Since when is asking a woman to be your girlfriend not leading her on? Men get less and less creative with the conniving ways in which that DECIDE to be jerks, every f'n day. Less than a month ago I had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend, and now a mere two weeks later he is acting like he never led me on, and to think- I thought we had something? Well, apparently we did not have a thing going on- unbeknown to me. This time around, I can't even be mad at him. Some people are just incapable of being loved. It's a sad but true fact.
I am making a conscious decision from here on forth NOT to date men who didn't have their fathers in their lives growing up, because honestly- the records are showing that these types of men aren't men at all. They don't know how to even recognize a real woman, so it's impossible from them to know how to treat what they can't know. I am in no way going to date men who have mother issues. If all you can say about your mother is, she didn't want to have a boy, so she named me the first boy name in the baby book because she didn't care, than- you are definitely not the man for me!
I can't promise a lot, but I can promise this- I am finished. Men amuse me at this point. They are so fucking predictable. The same shit he was spitting in the summer of 2007 is the same shit he was texting me last night. He hasn't grown as a person at all! He hasn't evolved, progressed or matured. I can not associate with a person like that, and a man like that is not worthy of my friendship.
I need a person who is man enough to admit he likes me. He doesn't let his friends dictate how he moves. He doesn't let his pride get in the way of what could be the most important relationship of his adult life. I can't even play this like Disappear. I didn't miss any of the signs! I didn't skip a beat. AJ's laughter, Faith's jealousy. The over abundance of blatant disrespect (putting his friend's hand on my butt, really? I we 12 now?) I over looked at Icon that night. I saw it all coming. Was this a set up or was this a set up? Luckily, I was wise enough to call a spade a spade, or a dog a dog. I was wise enough to not let my guard down, I didn't even waste a kiss on him. I am lucky that I have hating ass bitches for friends, because all I lost was $50 on a dinner and couple nights worth of time. It could have been so much worse. Thank God, those hating ass friends led me away from the rest of the shit I was going to do. I am sooooo happy! Fool me once, shame on Mustang! Fool me twice, shame on Lindsay.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday Came and Went, Thank You Yahshua
Praying is so under- rated. Even when one doesn't pray out loud. Even when one is too embarrassed to even ask Yahweh for Mercy, he saves. Man, I am not even trying to be on a super religion "trip" but I feel like a new person. Friday came and went, and I was sweating bullets- shitting bricks. Saturday came, and I didn't know what to do, really I felt like killing myself. I wasted money, three times over, then went it hit the fan, Yahweh came through. Now, it's a soft Sunday evening and I am sitting here with a celebratory Raspberry Sorbeto Martini watching NCAA tournaments, with a night full of blogging ahead. YAY
THE
He was high, I was drunk.
Blame it on the weed or the vodka, but he fulfilled my wants.
But, I wish he would fulfill my needs.
Diamond with a platinum band, bend to one knee.
But the 4 lines above are just a day dream.
Things are not always what they seem.
People judge people instead of judging themselves.
Expiration dating, we're spoiled before we leave the shelf.
Spoiled when he's in his parents' house-
they told him he is too good for a girl this loud,
for a girl this dark, girl from the ghetto.
Little does he know that us together, I'd be the one to settle.
But he won't give it a chance, so I just stick to Facebook.
See if he has any new tagged pics that I can get a look.
Or I make my profile on myspace public and hope that he visits my page.
He once told me he reads this blog regularly, so I try to keep him engaged.
Then maybe THAT night will come when we're both in sync.
To high to resist, to drunk to think.
Blame it on the weed or the vodka, but he fulfilled my wants.
But, I wish he would fulfill my needs.
Diamond with a platinum band, bend to one knee.
But the 4 lines above are just a day dream.
Things are not always what they seem.
People judge people instead of judging themselves.
Expiration dating, we're spoiled before we leave the shelf.
Spoiled when he's in his parents' house-
they told him he is too good for a girl this loud,
for a girl this dark, girl from the ghetto.
Little does he know that us together, I'd be the one to settle.
But he won't give it a chance, so I just stick to Facebook.
See if he has any new tagged pics that I can get a look.
Or I make my profile on myspace public and hope that he visits my page.
He once told me he reads this blog regularly, so I try to keep him engaged.
Then maybe THAT night will come when we're both in sync.
To high to resist, to drunk to think.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I Don't Know What To Think
I keep telling myself to be faithful and pray, but I am so nervous. It's crazy when you're fate is in the hands of another and you just have to wait for them to say yay or nay. This life changing decision, whether it be yay or nay has me going nuts. As if it's not enough to have this crazy tooth ache, finals weeks and start a new gig all in one week- I have this on my mind as well. I know at the end of the day Yahweh will take care of me. I guess that's more of a reason for me not to worry right now. But, every time I disobey him (even slightly) something like this happens. I sometimes wonder if it's punishment? I get myself into the darnedest situations... and just keep digging the ditch deeper.
If everything pans out the way I know it will (just fine), I am not going to make a lot of false promises to Yahweh. I will say, that I must ask him to bring me through everything and make me a better person. A lot of the bullshit I get myself into- I know is wrong. Even as I am doing it, I already feel regret and guilt, yet I can't help myself. All I can do is ask and hope that his will is my wish.
As of now, I am holding my breath and waiting for relief. I can not wait until Friday!
If everything pans out the way I know it will (just fine), I am not going to make a lot of false promises to Yahweh. I will say, that I must ask him to bring me through everything and make me a better person. A lot of the bullshit I get myself into- I know is wrong. Even as I am doing it, I already feel regret and guilt, yet I can't help myself. All I can do is ask and hope that his will is my wish.
As of now, I am holding my breath and waiting for relief. I can not wait until Friday!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Just Pray
I had a conversation with Alias a few months back that has sparked a lot of thought since. I called him while I was home (Cleveland) and he didn't answer... which unfortunately is usually the case. I gave him a couple hours (then out of desperation) and I called again, this time he actually answered! He said that the first time I called he was praying and by the time he finished, it slipped his mind to call him back. At that point, in a somewhat offensive tone I blurted out, "you pray?" and he returned my nastiness by replying, "I Muslim aren't I!"
I try not be judgemental, but when people don't have the same thought process as I do, I tend to think of them as heathens, so it always surprises me when such people have strong religious beliefs.
I went over his house that night a few hours later. He was preparing to go to bed and I was preparing to "coincidentally" fall asleep and he spoke out a checklist the last item being, now I have to pray. At that moment I really started thinking about prayer.
According to some ministers at the IDMR, prayer doesn't change anything. I've always taken that statement with face value. I believe that Yahweh has everything preordained, and my little thoughts are not going to change anything, so why should I pray- has always been my logic. But then after seeing Alias' devotion to his religion, I started to reconsider. The first though that popped into my head is the fact that it's been said that prayer doesn't change anything, yet at the beginning of each and every session we have a prayer. With that being said I consulted my mother about the subject.
She quoted a scripture which I believe to be II Thes. 2:3 (but don't quote me on that, however I am 100% sure it's in one of the Thessalonians) Pray without ceasing. She then went on to explain to simply, prayer does not change anything. But, if you prayer, and you're prayer comes to pass 1, whatever you prayed about must have already been in Yahweh purpose, pattern, and plan and 2 it must have also been in his purpose that you would pray to ask for those things... I just never thought of it that way.
After we had that conversation, I began ATTEMPTING to pray on the daily basis. It is a hard things to implement after years of absence. One night, I was so heavily laden with stress that I spoke to Yahweh out loud and I really felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Right now, I am really worried about a close friend. She just found out she is pregnant. When friends have babies, it always seems like out friendship ends. I guess I am kind of worried about myself too, all I can do is pray. Sometimes all one can do is let go and let Yah! I looked up the definition for pray and it said the following,
It seems most people pray to ask for something. The funny thing is, while prayer does help us to keep our sanity, prayer is all about Him. I don't know where this life is leading me, but I just want to be happy. I want my family to be in good health physically and most importantly spiritually. I want to meet a man who loves me and I him equally, because I am sick of situations like Alias where they mean everything and I nothing. I want to finish school and hopefully post grad as well. Ultimately, I want Yahweh to be pleased with my whole life and who I am. I believe that this all will come to pass, Halleluyah!
I try not be judgemental, but when people don't have the same thought process as I do, I tend to think of them as heathens, so it always surprises me when such people have strong religious beliefs.
I went over his house that night a few hours later. He was preparing to go to bed and I was preparing to "coincidentally" fall asleep and he spoke out a checklist the last item being, now I have to pray. At that moment I really started thinking about prayer.
According to some ministers at the IDMR, prayer doesn't change anything. I've always taken that statement with face value. I believe that Yahweh has everything preordained, and my little thoughts are not going to change anything, so why should I pray- has always been my logic. But then after seeing Alias' devotion to his religion, I started to reconsider. The first though that popped into my head is the fact that it's been said that prayer doesn't change anything, yet at the beginning of each and every session we have a prayer. With that being said I consulted my mother about the subject.
She quoted a scripture which I believe to be II Thes. 2:3 (but don't quote me on that, however I am 100% sure it's in one of the Thessalonians) Pray without ceasing. She then went on to explain to simply, prayer does not change anything. But, if you prayer, and you're prayer comes to pass 1, whatever you prayed about must have already been in Yahweh purpose, pattern, and plan and 2 it must have also been in his purpose that you would pray to ask for those things... I just never thought of it that way.
After we had that conversation, I began ATTEMPTING to pray on the daily basis. It is a hard things to implement after years of absence. One night, I was so heavily laden with stress that I spoke to Yahweh out loud and I really felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Right now, I am really worried about a close friend. She just found out she is pregnant. When friends have babies, it always seems like out friendship ends. I guess I am kind of worried about myself too, all I can do is pray. Sometimes all one can do is let go and let Yah! I looked up the definition for pray and it said the following,
to offer devout petition, praise, thanks, etc
It seems most people pray to ask for something. The funny thing is, while prayer does help us to keep our sanity, prayer is all about Him. I don't know where this life is leading me, but I just want to be happy. I want my family to be in good health physically and most importantly spiritually. I want to meet a man who loves me and I him equally, because I am sick of situations like Alias where they mean everything and I nothing. I want to finish school and hopefully post grad as well. Ultimately, I want Yahweh to be pleased with my whole life and who I am. I believe that this all will come to pass, Halleluyah!
"The name shall endure forever. The name shall continue as long as the sun will. Men shall be blessed in him. All nations shall call him blessed. In your name, I pray."
~Beyonce, Jay- Z Pray
Friday, March 13, 2009
Somethings Just Aren't Meant To Be
There will always be those women who are prettier and put together better than I am and there will always be those men who follow them. Those men usually think that a girl like me isn't good enough, but that's not true. In reality, I am good enough, maybe even better, but so many times my confidence is so weak that I only allow myself to see a delusion as reality.
No one is prettier than the next person. Contrary to the quite disturbing blog post Darryl Dunning insisted I read early this morning (3am), light skin has nothing to do with it. (Side note: Darryl has to be the biggest idiot I have ever met since living in Columbus!) Body type also has nothing to do with it. The amount of degrees (or lack of for that matter) all have nothing to do with how beautiful a person is. Just like any lottery winner will confess, it's all about consistency and being in the right place at the right time.
I am a firm believer in predestination. Every second is accounted for and though I sometimes entertain the thought, there is no such thing as coincidence. Everything is about fate. If I happen to have a clear mind on a pretty day and run into a man who also is light on his feet at that same time, it will be love at first sight. But, if I were to meet that same man the day before and it was raining, or I someone has just cut me off in traffic earlier or he has just lost a bet on the Cavs... we might not have even noticed one another.
I've noticed plenty of men. Many of them have gone on to play at the professional level, some have received multiple degrees and lots of them are now loving husbands and devoted fathers(basically, they're all successful). My judgement is not bad, it never was and never will be. For some reason, what people think of me has always been far from the truth. Ugly, conceited, ungrateful, mean... these are all terms I've heard more than once, but never once have I looked at myself that way. I guess I'm just happy with the life that Yahweh has given me. I'm not light skinned and my hair isn't down my back, but I have a nice figure and a beautiful smile. There is always give and take, no one has everything... except for those who are smart enough to realize that what they have been given is divine.
So, just as every moments is planned, that is true of the way I look and the way I act. My life has already been written, I just haven't read the script in it's entirety yet. The men who I like, and have tried to be with, that don't show mutual feelings are just going to have to be a part of my past, because I am sick of playing the fool. If I am not good enough? I guess that's just the way it's going to have to be. What's meant to happen will happen.
No one is prettier than the next person. Contrary to the quite disturbing blog post Darryl Dunning insisted I read early this morning (3am), light skin has nothing to do with it. (Side note: Darryl has to be the biggest idiot I have ever met since living in Columbus!) Body type also has nothing to do with it. The amount of degrees (or lack of for that matter) all have nothing to do with how beautiful a person is. Just like any lottery winner will confess, it's all about consistency and being in the right place at the right time.
I am a firm believer in predestination. Every second is accounted for and though I sometimes entertain the thought, there is no such thing as coincidence. Everything is about fate. If I happen to have a clear mind on a pretty day and run into a man who also is light on his feet at that same time, it will be love at first sight. But, if I were to meet that same man the day before and it was raining, or I someone has just cut me off in traffic earlier or he has just lost a bet on the Cavs... we might not have even noticed one another.
I've noticed plenty of men. Many of them have gone on to play at the professional level, some have received multiple degrees and lots of them are now loving husbands and devoted fathers(basically, they're all successful). My judgement is not bad, it never was and never will be. For some reason, what people think of me has always been far from the truth. Ugly, conceited, ungrateful, mean... these are all terms I've heard more than once, but never once have I looked at myself that way. I guess I'm just happy with the life that Yahweh has given me. I'm not light skinned and my hair isn't down my back, but I have a nice figure and a beautiful smile. There is always give and take, no one has everything... except for those who are smart enough to realize that what they have been given is divine.
So, just as every moments is planned, that is true of the way I look and the way I act. My life has already been written, I just haven't read the script in it's entirety yet. The men who I like, and have tried to be with, that don't show mutual feelings are just going to have to be a part of my past, because I am sick of playing the fool. If I am not good enough? I guess that's just the way it's going to have to be. What's meant to happen will happen.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Frontin' (A Poem I Just Wrote A Couple Of Minutes Ago)
"Out of sight out of mind"- sounds good in theory
But if you could live inside my mind and witness the thoughts I'm hearing
If you could live inside my heart, you'd have company because that's where he resides
But if you could mimic the face that underneath my feelings hide
you'd win an Oscar, you'd win at poker, you'd be the best model for sculptors
The stories I pretend don't exist would win Pulitzers for authors
Win innocent verdicts for the guilty without representation
Have a man believing, "You are the father" without having had relations
It's really, "out of sight so I won't talk about it," now it's bottled up and I'm weary
And my playing like I have allergies every time your name comes up and my eyes get teary
Or laughing out loud while I'm falling apart inside
Wishing that instead of bottling up my pride wouldn't stand in the way of letting me confide
Like Writer's block hates on my Faulkner
Stunts my young Alice Walker
The life in my poems is killed by emasculation
The stories of my life ended by political assassinations
But if you could live inside my mind and witness the thoughts I'm hearing
If you could live inside my heart, you'd have company because that's where he resides
But if you could mimic the face that underneath my feelings hide
you'd win an Oscar, you'd win at poker, you'd be the best model for sculptors
The stories I pretend don't exist would win Pulitzers for authors
Win innocent verdicts for the guilty without representation
Have a man believing, "You are the father" without having had relations
It's really, "out of sight so I won't talk about it," now it's bottled up and I'm weary
And my playing like I have allergies every time your name comes up and my eyes get teary
Or laughing out loud while I'm falling apart inside
Wishing that instead of bottling up my pride wouldn't stand in the way of letting me confide
Like Writer's block hates on my Faulkner
Stunts my young Alice Walker
The life in my poems is killed by emasculation
The stories of my life ended by political assassinations
Just Trying To Keep My Head Above h2o
Every time I tell someone I can't swim, the first thing they ask me is, "well, can't you at least float," and of course I tell them, "hell naw!"
I have had many frustrations in recent months, or years rather but today, for the first time in a long time I am finally realizing a way to cope with it all. Instead of obsessing over the past, I am going to move on.
There are so many guys I have given affection to tirelessly and finally, I am tired of it. It's crazy how judgemental Black men and more specifically educated Black men have become in these latter days. Many of them walk around with a chip on their shoulders feeling that they are too good for me. Am I not worthy? Even if I weren't, I don't think it's fair for people to judge before they even get a chance to really know me. One can see someone in a club, or even GO to the club with someone and know nothing of their character! One can even call someone their closest friend, but just because someone is their for you, does not mean they count on you to be there for them...
Out of all the people I have befriended over the years, I can not say with confidence that I trust more than two of them. Out of all the people that may have judged me, thought they knew me, etc. I can honestly say none of them were any the wiser...
Erin and I had a conversation yesterday about our childhood. I guess because she and Antone are considering marriage, she decided to tell him a few things about how we grew up. After telling him a few vague details, Antone told her that a lot of things that confused him about her personality now all make sense. That same Ah ha moment came with Emeri of Elise years ago, and I hope that one day I will meet a man who I can tell a few secrets to as well- without having to brace myself for judgement.
From the outside looking in it might seem that my life is really sad, bitter, or unsuccessful, but I have come a long way. East Cleveland. Enough said. My friend Donte says that I complain too much? He says there are some people out there who don't even have a pot to piss in. I replied, really? Funny choice of words!
If I were to tell you a story, you wouldn't even believe me. I know you wouldn't, because I lived it and sometimes- I just can't believe that all the stuff that happened to me- really happened. At this point it's not even the event itself but the memory of it. That's why many times it's best to move on and let shit go, because if you don't, you'll drown in your sorrow and pain. So, while I physically don't know how to swim, figuratively I'm afloat and breathing easy.
I have had many frustrations in recent months, or years rather but today, for the first time in a long time I am finally realizing a way to cope with it all. Instead of obsessing over the past, I am going to move on.
There are so many guys I have given affection to tirelessly and finally, I am tired of it. It's crazy how judgemental Black men and more specifically educated Black men have become in these latter days. Many of them walk around with a chip on their shoulders feeling that they are too good for me. Am I not worthy? Even if I weren't, I don't think it's fair for people to judge before they even get a chance to really know me. One can see someone in a club, or even GO to the club with someone and know nothing of their character! One can even call someone their closest friend, but just because someone is their for you, does not mean they count on you to be there for them...
Out of all the people I have befriended over the years, I can not say with confidence that I trust more than two of them. Out of all the people that may have judged me, thought they knew me, etc. I can honestly say none of them were any the wiser...
Erin and I had a conversation yesterday about our childhood. I guess because she and Antone are considering marriage, she decided to tell him a few things about how we grew up. After telling him a few vague details, Antone told her that a lot of things that confused him about her personality now all make sense. That same Ah ha moment came with Emeri of Elise years ago, and I hope that one day I will meet a man who I can tell a few secrets to as well- without having to brace myself for judgement.
From the outside looking in it might seem that my life is really sad, bitter, or unsuccessful, but I have come a long way. East Cleveland. Enough said. My friend Donte says that I complain too much? He says there are some people out there who don't even have a pot to piss in. I replied, really? Funny choice of words!
If I were to tell you a story, you wouldn't even believe me. I know you wouldn't, because I lived it and sometimes- I just can't believe that all the stuff that happened to me- really happened. At this point it's not even the event itself but the memory of it. That's why many times it's best to move on and let shit go, because if you don't, you'll drown in your sorrow and pain. So, while I physically don't know how to swim, figuratively I'm afloat and breathing easy.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Love People MORE Than People Hate Me
This was my new years resolution in 2008. I don't know how well that went, but I need to start applying it to my everyday life. Being positive, steering away from being condescending and trying to have a positive impact on the world is my goal. I want to make a difference in this world.
So, I have been thinking long and hard about an idea I got about six months ago. I want to start a website. I am not going to disclose all the details so early- but once the project comes to fruition there will be no worries and I can finally talk about it on here. I just want to find a way to reach people, change lives and prosper as an individual.
I am not too sure what is going on in my life anymore. I am doing well in school, and somehow Yahweh is providing financially for me, but I have so much emptiness in my heart. I guess I am kind of scared that I will never talk to Alias again. I also found out that Maize & Blue's "wife" is having twins and he just signed a $1.45 million contract... it could have been me! These men in my past life, I hope they are really happy, because if they aren't- they could have had a woman in their life that would have done anything! There is no limit to what I would have done to make Maize & Blue happy. I am just sick and tired of being the one ALWAYS giving. I am SOOOO tired!
Buying gifts, giving advice, lending a shoulder, it never ends. I am always on the other end of good things. I am always the one who is devoting time and effort to others and I am so upset that when I need support I can never find a soul to reciprocate. I could sit her and blame it on everyone else, but I know it's me. I know I have problems, I know I have issues... I just can't figure out how to sort them out. I love buying gifts, giving advice and lending my shoulder. I don't want to get to the point, and be so upset with counterparts that I start resenting my own good heart. When bitches mean mug me, I want to smile at them in return and have them wondering why they don't like me. When men do me dirty, I want to treat them like Kings and hopefully awaken awareness in them on how to treat a woman, so that maybe they can treat the next lady better. I just want to make a difference, but I am really running out of energy!
So, I have been thinking long and hard about an idea I got about six months ago. I want to start a website. I am not going to disclose all the details so early- but once the project comes to fruition there will be no worries and I can finally talk about it on here. I just want to find a way to reach people, change lives and prosper as an individual.
I am not too sure what is going on in my life anymore. I am doing well in school, and somehow Yahweh is providing financially for me, but I have so much emptiness in my heart. I guess I am kind of scared that I will never talk to Alias again. I also found out that Maize & Blue's "wife" is having twins and he just signed a $1.45 million contract... it could have been me! These men in my past life, I hope they are really happy, because if they aren't- they could have had a woman in their life that would have done anything! There is no limit to what I would have done to make Maize & Blue happy. I am just sick and tired of being the one ALWAYS giving. I am SOOOO tired!
Buying gifts, giving advice, lending a shoulder, it never ends. I am always on the other end of good things. I am always the one who is devoting time and effort to others and I am so upset that when I need support I can never find a soul to reciprocate. I could sit her and blame it on everyone else, but I know it's me. I know I have problems, I know I have issues... I just can't figure out how to sort them out. I love buying gifts, giving advice and lending my shoulder. I don't want to get to the point, and be so upset with counterparts that I start resenting my own good heart. When bitches mean mug me, I want to smile at them in return and have them wondering why they don't like me. When men do me dirty, I want to treat them like Kings and hopefully awaken awareness in them on how to treat a woman, so that maybe they can treat the next lady better. I just want to make a difference, but I am really running out of energy!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Disappear
"When I think about it, I know that I was never there, or even cared.
The more I think about it, the less that I was able to share- with you.
I try to reach you- I, can almost feel you, you're nearly hear... and then
You disappear...
I missed ALL THE SIGNS, one at a time- you were ready." Beyonce Disappear
I love this song, but every time I listen to it- it makes me think of him. By the time the chorus drops, I am in tears. It never fails, especially on nights like this when I've already been drinking. Songs are so ironic. Sometimes they're so vague that it seems that anyone within ear shot could relate. But every once in a while, there comes along a song like this one that makes me think Beyonce's writers are sitting on a stool sitting inside my mind.
Every time I think about our relationship, I see soooo clearly that he never gave a fuck about me. I think about how much I was going through back then (which is still to blame for my unhappiness now) and I think about nights I spent crying myself to sleep. Now, when cry myself to sleep, I wish I had a friend or a boyfriend to vent to, but even when I did- I never told him shit. I couldn't trust him enough to tell him anything.
I could put this song on repeat and never tire of it. Word for word, the story of my life... or my relationships at least.
"And she claim she only with me for the currency. YOU CUT ME DEEP BITCH, CUT ME LIKE A SURGERY!" ~Kanye West Bitter Sweet
The more I think about it, the less that I was able to share- with you.
I try to reach you- I, can almost feel you, you're nearly hear... and then
You disappear...
I missed ALL THE SIGNS, one at a time- you were ready." Beyonce Disappear
I love this song, but every time I listen to it- it makes me think of him. By the time the chorus drops, I am in tears. It never fails, especially on nights like this when I've already been drinking. Songs are so ironic. Sometimes they're so vague that it seems that anyone within ear shot could relate. But every once in a while, there comes along a song like this one that makes me think Beyonce's writers are sitting on a stool sitting inside my mind.
Every time I think about our relationship, I see soooo clearly that he never gave a fuck about me. I think about how much I was going through back then (which is still to blame for my unhappiness now) and I think about nights I spent crying myself to sleep. Now, when cry myself to sleep, I wish I had a friend or a boyfriend to vent to, but even when I did- I never told him shit. I couldn't trust him enough to tell him anything.
I could put this song on repeat and never tire of it. Word for word, the story of my life... or my relationships at least.
"And she claim she only with me for the currency. YOU CUT ME DEEP BITCH, CUT ME LIKE A SURGERY!" ~Kanye West Bitter Sweet
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Ready For The World
I'm bored with transition. I just want to graduate, get a decent job, find a man who I adore and in turn sincerely loves me and be happy. I don't need to be rich. I don't HAVE to go to grad or law school. I don't even prefer a man who is drop dead gorgeous & fit. I just want a respectable nice looking young man who is confident and inspiring.
I have been through a lot in life, much of which I have not included in this blog, but I realize that the major events of my life have yet to come. I haven't yet graduated. I haven't yet been married. I haven't yet had a child. I haven't yet become aware of the spirit. Only two of the four have been promised to me, but I can't help but feel optimistic about the other two as if they had been promised to me as well. That sad truth is, I am so impatient that I'd rather suffer than wait on the good things that are sure to come to me...
Rather than wait on a good man, I continue to waste my time and worth with men who are beneath me! Drug dealers, cheaters, dogs and such are the types of men I should be steering clear of. These are the exact types of people who will end up ruining my life. I must admit that I am quite lucky that I haven't gotten caught up yet! I am not ungrateful though- I do have enough sense to count my blessings. Though I am deeply in like (maybe even love) with Alias, he continues to shake me off. I guess he's just not that into me, lol. But honestly, I hope that he strings me along just long enough for me to get the hell out of Ohio.
It's funny, that EVEN knowing all this, if given the chance I would bow at that man's feet. But in reality I know that he is just a distraction. Yahweh created our relationship, he made me fall, he made me want this man with so much passion so that I can don't think of any other man. Yahweh set it up so that he is in Cleveland and I am stuck here. He set it up for Alias not to realize what a great woman I am. I truly believe he did all of this so that during these next six months I will be too preoccupied to get in trouble with any OTHER men. If that isn't the reason for Alias and I, I am not sooner convinced that I am Caucasian.
Either way, I just am ready for my life to make some major turns. I just want to make someone happy. I just want to be happy.
I have been through a lot in life, much of which I have not included in this blog, but I realize that the major events of my life have yet to come. I haven't yet graduated. I haven't yet been married. I haven't yet had a child. I haven't yet become aware of the spirit. Only two of the four have been promised to me, but I can't help but feel optimistic about the other two as if they had been promised to me as well. That sad truth is, I am so impatient that I'd rather suffer than wait on the good things that are sure to come to me...
Rather than wait on a good man, I continue to waste my time and worth with men who are beneath me! Drug dealers, cheaters, dogs and such are the types of men I should be steering clear of. These are the exact types of people who will end up ruining my life. I must admit that I am quite lucky that I haven't gotten caught up yet! I am not ungrateful though- I do have enough sense to count my blessings. Though I am deeply in like (maybe even love) with Alias, he continues to shake me off. I guess he's just not that into me, lol. But honestly, I hope that he strings me along just long enough for me to get the hell out of Ohio.
It's funny, that EVEN knowing all this, if given the chance I would bow at that man's feet. But in reality I know that he is just a distraction. Yahweh created our relationship, he made me fall, he made me want this man with so much passion so that I can don't think of any other man. Yahweh set it up so that he is in Cleveland and I am stuck here. He set it up for Alias not to realize what a great woman I am. I truly believe he did all of this so that during these next six months I will be too preoccupied to get in trouble with any OTHER men. If that isn't the reason for Alias and I, I am not sooner convinced that I am Caucasian.
Either way, I just am ready for my life to make some major turns. I just want to make someone happy. I just want to be happy.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Thank Yahweh for March 18, 1974
Death by fire is my worse fear, setting Yahweh aside,
But I'd walk through fire if ever you were on the other side.
I just want to lay close to you, bury my face in your chest,
Feel the pressure of your chin on the top my head- the mist from your breathe.
Have your snoring wake me up in the middle of the night from that real deep sleep,
So I can turn over and watch you dreaming right beside me.
Because I can keep my eyes open and as long as you're there it's still a dream.
Words can not express just how much you mean...
Words can not express how deep I am, that's why I never say, "I love you."
Those words do no justice for what I feel for you.
Everything I say is so sincere, ask the Bailiff if I've been sworn,
Even if it ends bless the day I met you- bless the day you were born.
~Alias
But I'd walk through fire if ever you were on the other side.
I just want to lay close to you, bury my face in your chest,
Feel the pressure of your chin on the top my head- the mist from your breathe.
Have your snoring wake me up in the middle of the night from that real deep sleep,
So I can turn over and watch you dreaming right beside me.
Because I can keep my eyes open and as long as you're there it's still a dream.
Words can not express just how much you mean...
Words can not express how deep I am, that's why I never say, "I love you."
Those words do no justice for what I feel for you.
Everything I say is so sincere, ask the Bailiff if I've been sworn,
Even if it ends bless the day I met you- bless the day you were born.
~Alias
Monday, February 02, 2009
Too Much On My Mind
A lot has gone down in this last month. Everything is on the up and up, or atleast that is the way I like to view things. I finally got my computer fixed and high speed internet for the first time in history... so hopefully I will be able to start writing in the blog with the frequency that I did 2-3 years ago.
I am starting to buckle down on what is important in life. I need to stay out of the club and limit my drinking- if not eliminate it all together. My eating habits are better now a days, but I definitely need to impliment a work out plan ASAP.
Where relationship are involved I am on the fence. I don't know whether I should run or stay for awhile. Alias is Alias as usual. Unfortunately, nothing has changed there. I know what I need to do; I need to move on. Then there is The Forgiver, I don't know what to say about him. One day we're up the next day we're down. I either need stability, or I need to move on from both of these men. I am really considering Grad. School & if I got through with it, I can not be distracted by the trivial games men tend to play. Lindsay is all work no play. I am needing to grab an internship, a job and a plan for my future.
I may never find a real relation, get married or even fall in love. I may never have babies. I am starting to realize the things that I looked forward to are not promised and the way my life is going I will not be able to depend on them happening, so I have to depend on something else; myself. There is probably never going to be a financially stable man to couple with me and make me a better woman. Most men are equally paper chasers/ gold diggers as women are now-a-days so I have to concluded that I must prepare myself for buying a home, a car and paying off these student loans by the time I am 30. I am going to have to make sure I do what is right now, while I am 25, to prepare myself for my future. Many times- I can not even even count on a man to send me a pic on the phone!
I am starting to buckle down on what is important in life. I need to stay out of the club and limit my drinking- if not eliminate it all together. My eating habits are better now a days, but I definitely need to impliment a work out plan ASAP.
Where relationship are involved I am on the fence. I don't know whether I should run or stay for awhile. Alias is Alias as usual. Unfortunately, nothing has changed there. I know what I need to do; I need to move on. Then there is The Forgiver, I don't know what to say about him. One day we're up the next day we're down. I either need stability, or I need to move on from both of these men. I am really considering Grad. School & if I got through with it, I can not be distracted by the trivial games men tend to play. Lindsay is all work no play. I am needing to grab an internship, a job and a plan for my future.
I may never find a real relation, get married or even fall in love. I may never have babies. I am starting to realize the things that I looked forward to are not promised and the way my life is going I will not be able to depend on them happening, so I have to depend on something else; myself. There is probably never going to be a financially stable man to couple with me and make me a better woman. Most men are equally paper chasers/ gold diggers as women are now-a-days so I have to concluded that I must prepare myself for buying a home, a car and paying off these student loans by the time I am 30. I am going to have to make sure I do what is right now, while I am 25, to prepare myself for my future. Many times- I can not even even count on a man to send me a pic on the phone!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
ALIas
People have aliases for many different reasons. The most obvious reason being that they're trying to hide something. I'm sad to say that I am just now realizing that the person I thought I knew, the person I feel I am falling in love with is hiding who he really is from me. I am not sure why he is doing and I am not sure why I even care anymore, but I can't help it. I can't help the calling. I can't help the intent of me driving to Cleveland. I am finding myself doing all this dumb shit and I have no justification because it seems these feelings are one sided. Hopefully he will shape up or I will fall off. I can't do this anymore.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Fools Rush In- Another Poem I Wrote
I like to think that I'm a smart girl- but, not exactly vain
Yet, I find myself doing a lot of silly things that I justify in Love's name
And I listen to John Legend everyday so I understand, "Love Me Quickly"
I guess that's why I text, "I miss you!" so much, in the hopes that you miss me
But how could you miss something you don't care about? I know, it's the sad truth
And how can I claim to love something when I don't have any proof?...
I can't plead my case, yet I'm still guilty until all is proven
And we're way pass, "Hi!" so my chances are already ruined
Somehow there are still these equations I wish you would solve
What do I have to do to make you want to get involved?
What words do I have to spit to make you want to call?
What I got to do to get in your heart is what I need to know, above all?
I don't know where it is you're going, all I know is that I want to follow
Everybody has a yesterday, but not everyone has a tomorrow
I guess that's why I have a sense of urgency- always on my toes
There could be better men- but I don't want to know
And even if I did, they wouldn't even matter
You're all I see, you're the one I'd rather...
be with. But feelings aren't mutual and it's so depressing
Still I don't want to give up and let it go- I ain't tryna turn this into a lesson
Tryna turn it into forever- you're thinking more like never- compromise for right now
I pray you could be the one to "stand still" with me for a while
I can't force you to love BUT I can hate to think of us as just friends
Guess I'm not so smart after all, because fools rush in
Alias 11-11-08
Yet, I find myself doing a lot of silly things that I justify in Love's name
And I listen to John Legend everyday so I understand, "Love Me Quickly"
I guess that's why I text, "I miss you!" so much, in the hopes that you miss me
But how could you miss something you don't care about? I know, it's the sad truth
And how can I claim to love something when I don't have any proof?...
I can't plead my case, yet I'm still guilty until all is proven
And we're way pass, "Hi!" so my chances are already ruined
Somehow there are still these equations I wish you would solve
What do I have to do to make you want to get involved?
What words do I have to spit to make you want to call?
What I got to do to get in your heart is what I need to know, above all?
I don't know where it is you're going, all I know is that I want to follow
Everybody has a yesterday, but not everyone has a tomorrow
I guess that's why I have a sense of urgency- always on my toes
There could be better men- but I don't want to know
And even if I did, they wouldn't even matter
You're all I see, you're the one I'd rather...
be with. But feelings aren't mutual and it's so depressing
Still I don't want to give up and let it go- I ain't tryna turn this into a lesson
Tryna turn it into forever- you're thinking more like never- compromise for right now
I pray you could be the one to "stand still" with me for a while
I can't force you to love BUT I can hate to think of us as just friends
Guess I'm not so smart after all, because fools rush in
Alias 11-11-08
A New Poem Of Mines I'm FEELINGS!
The most dangerous thing on Earth you could do is wear your heart on your sleeve
It's like handing out loyalty in a room full of thieves
Or bringing your luxury car to the ghetto and leaving the keys... in the ignition
Once you've given your heart away, it comes back in terrible condition
People don't care anymore, so it's hard to convince them you're sincere
And it's hard to take any words spoken to you and hold them dear
So if you are that last good lover you become a hypocrite
And expect someone to put up with you when you're not willing to put up with their shit?
Getting no where fast someone throws in the towel
Unwilling to sacrifice the time it takes to learn someone, no one stays for a while
And we don't even consider the time that we've already invested
Nothing is worthy without challenge- yet we leave the first sign of being tested
If at anytime that person made an impression, there presence will always stand
It might creep out of your heart in the middle of an argument with another man
Because love is like a computer; there is always a hard drive recording
And the things you put in the trash can... pops up in the "mourning"
You can't just throw love away if it meant something to at least one of the parties
Closure will never be conceivable- it's not a gift of parting
So if you're not ready to endure pain- never accept the pleasure
Because the bad times will have you bitterly remembering the good times forever
Take care of yourself on every level that could ever matter
The future is determined by what is done now and all that counts is the latter
If you wanna play buy a video game, if you wanna pretend be an actor
But to play with someone Else's heart, then to pretend that they aren't a factor?
DANGEROUS game to play... yet and still it is not the most dangerous thing on Earth
The most dangerous thing to do is give your heart away to them first.
Written 11-11-08
It's like handing out loyalty in a room full of thieves
Or bringing your luxury car to the ghetto and leaving the keys... in the ignition
Once you've given your heart away, it comes back in terrible condition
People don't care anymore, so it's hard to convince them you're sincere
And it's hard to take any words spoken to you and hold them dear
So if you are that last good lover you become a hypocrite
And expect someone to put up with you when you're not willing to put up with their shit?
Getting no where fast someone throws in the towel
Unwilling to sacrifice the time it takes to learn someone, no one stays for a while
And we don't even consider the time that we've already invested
Nothing is worthy without challenge- yet we leave the first sign of being tested
If at anytime that person made an impression, there presence will always stand
It might creep out of your heart in the middle of an argument with another man
Because love is like a computer; there is always a hard drive recording
And the things you put in the trash can... pops up in the "mourning"
You can't just throw love away if it meant something to at least one of the parties
Closure will never be conceivable- it's not a gift of parting
So if you're not ready to endure pain- never accept the pleasure
Because the bad times will have you bitterly remembering the good times forever
Take care of yourself on every level that could ever matter
The future is determined by what is done now and all that counts is the latter
If you wanna play buy a video game, if you wanna pretend be an actor
But to play with someone Else's heart, then to pretend that they aren't a factor?
DANGEROUS game to play... yet and still it is not the most dangerous thing on Earth
The most dangerous thing to do is give your heart away to them first.
Written 11-11-08
Darn I've Been Gone For A While
So Lindsay's Lil' Lady (my computer) has Tourettes! I guess that partially the reason I've stayed away so long. The other factor to blame is stress! I've never been so stressed in my adult life. I mean, my hair has been falling out, skipping periods... just the weirdest shit ever. But, things are on their way back up.... I hope. Well, I am in this damn computer lab and I have to pee SOOOOOO bad, so this will have to be a little short, but I am am going to add a couple of poems I wrote...
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Sitting Here Thinking
Ice VIP 8-31-08
I have absolutely nothing to do. I guess that means that I should be writing, but I have no inspiration. School has been out for two weeks and I have a little over 3 weeks before autumn quarter starts, but I've been super idle. Well, I have picked up a few books. Just last week I read "Leslie," "Sweet St. Louis," (which made me think of Bradley) and "The Last Street Novel." But I am still super bored (no offense to Mr. Tyree).
Upside down at Ice 8-31-08
I went out a couple of time this last weekend. The first night was a bust, but the second night was eventful. I have been pursuing this guy I've seen out over the last year or so. I always thought he was nice looks and he seems to be my type, but I never thought to ask him out. Anyhow, Sala and I went to Bon Vie a few weeks ago and after we finished eating, we did a little window shopping around Easton. When we came out of Aldo, I saw him. I immediately told her to peep him and he smiled at us as we walked past one another. Sala then told me that I should ask for his number if we ran into him again while in the mall- which of course we did... but I punked. From that night I decided that I wasn't going to go out until First Fridays this coming weekend because I knew he was going to be there. I didn't stick to my word because there were a ton of White Parties going on for Labor Day and you know how I feel about wearing white. I went to Cove Saturday (though Sala and I never made it in) and Ice & Cove... I mean ICON on Saturday. Sunday night went pretty good because AJ let Allaina and I skip the line at Ice but once we got inside we were damn near the only ones there. We asked if we could come back and went to Icon. When we got to Icon my Samuel happened to be sitting outside and he let us in for free. We stayed there shortly and went back to Ice.
In my apt. 8-30-08
I saw quite a few Delphi-ites at Ice. Darry (whom I actually spoke to AND hugged, lol), along with Trent, Daniel and EVEN Quanus. Allaina and I sneaked into the CLOSED front VIP section so that we could take some pretty pics. After an hour of sheer boredom we went decided to hit Icon again. This time it wasn't so easy getting back in b/c Sam left and Wali was no where to be found... but the ever so friendly bouncers let us back in after we chatter for 5 minutes or so. As soon as I walked in I saw him.
Allaina & I Ice VIP 8-31-08
After shenaniganning around for about 30 mins I finally mustered up the guts to approach him. I introduced myself and was about 2 questions in (his name is Shawn and he is 30) when I realized he had a slight accent, so I asked where he is from. He immediately put up his fist and said, "The mother land..." but I think he then read the disgust on my face. I know it is really wrong and racist, but anyone who knows me well know I don't fuck with the Africans. I was so fricking disappointed. Weeks of swooning over this guys went down the drain in vain in 30 seconds flat. I did get his number just for shits and giggles (as Reese would say), but I am not sure what I am going to do.
Mister Nice Guy & I walking outside of Icon
Under the pic I painted
So, now that I am sitting in my apartment alone I am starting to think, why am I passing up (what could be) a good man because of where his mother birthed him? So... maybe I will give it a try and call him a little later... you never know.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Healing
I talked to Erin after class on Wednesday. I told her that I thought I would feel better after Mook's funeral, but I feel worse. She told me to take it easy and explained that I probably just need some time to heal. It's funny that one can get burned, cut, or injured physically and recognize that it will take time to get better But then when confronted with spiritual ailments it is so easy to forget that healing applies there as well. Emotional bruises run deep, so it is only natural that I am still hurting.
These last couple of years has taught we so much about life. The things we do while we are here will determine the things we are privileged to when we leave this Earth. There is no physical thing that is worth the loss of a soul. I am trying real hard to let go of the negativity in my past. If someone hurt me, it was Yahweh putting them up to it, so instead of bitching about what they had no control of, I am starting to search for a meaning in my pain. What is it that Yahweh wants me to see?
I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night and out of the blue he tells me that Charger It To The Game to him to tell me, "hi." That shocked me. It is as if he is taunting me. When I write him an e-mail, he doesn't reply. When I requested him on Facebook and Myspace he didn't acknowledge me. Once he finds that I am still keeping in tough with a friend that he is keeping in touch with also, he decides to play telephone and send me a message? I am not sure what was behind that, but I am starting to realize that maybe he was never my friend. Those 14 years that I fought so hard over for the last 7 years were not what I thought they were. He, so easily walked away from a friendship with a person who held him in the highest esteem... that simply means he didn't need our friendship. I needed his. It feels so good to use past tense. Nothing is forever, no matter how hard I try to convince myself. It hurt me so much when he walked out of my life but I can finally say, I am healing. I won't lie and say that he is completely out of my system, but I do realize that maybe all of which I thought I knew about him is a lie. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step.
Whatever I have to sacrifice to have self worth... I am welling to let it go. They say, "Go hard or go home." Well, I go hard and I love harder. Nothing else matters in my life right now aside from the ones I love and the ones who really love me.
These last couple of years has taught we so much about life. The things we do while we are here will determine the things we are privileged to when we leave this Earth. There is no physical thing that is worth the loss of a soul. I am trying real hard to let go of the negativity in my past. If someone hurt me, it was Yahweh putting them up to it, so instead of bitching about what they had no control of, I am starting to search for a meaning in my pain. What is it that Yahweh wants me to see?
I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night and out of the blue he tells me that Charger It To The Game to him to tell me, "hi." That shocked me. It is as if he is taunting me. When I write him an e-mail, he doesn't reply. When I requested him on Facebook and Myspace he didn't acknowledge me. Once he finds that I am still keeping in tough with a friend that he is keeping in touch with also, he decides to play telephone and send me a message? I am not sure what was behind that, but I am starting to realize that maybe he was never my friend. Those 14 years that I fought so hard over for the last 7 years were not what I thought they were. He, so easily walked away from a friendship with a person who held him in the highest esteem... that simply means he didn't need our friendship. I needed his. It feels so good to use past tense. Nothing is forever, no matter how hard I try to convince myself. It hurt me so much when he walked out of my life but I can finally say, I am healing. I won't lie and say that he is completely out of my system, but I do realize that maybe all of which I thought I knew about him is a lie. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step.
Whatever I have to sacrifice to have self worth... I am welling to let it go. They say, "Go hard or go home." Well, I go hard and I love harder. Nothing else matters in my life right now aside from the ones I love and the ones who really love me.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Scared...
Mook's death is making me so uneasy. A week ago, at this very moment he was still alive. I don't think I'll ever forget the phone call I received last Tuesday @ 10:30 pm telling me that he died. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep last night either. I don't know if it's because his death is so heavy on my heart or because it was the day of the funeral. Mook didn't even look like himself, he really looked DEAD- which seems like a dumb statement, but that funeral home did not do a good job on his body. It was the saddest funeral I've ever been to and I can't help but cry right now thinking about the testimony of the young boy. I remember last summer Mook telling me that he fathers a lot of children. Of course he has Malaya, but he told me how he provides for so many young brothers around his neighborhood who have never met their real fathers. When that boy got up yesterday, all he could say is, "Man, that's my dad. I mean I got a dad. My dad was in jail most of my life and that's my father but, Mook was my dad. He was a dad to us. He did everything for us and I will never have that again. Man, that's my dad!" Hearing that just broke my heart.
Anyhow, every 15 minutes I am thinking about Mook and some memory of him. I remember when he first came to Versamount's line last summer. He came around the time Jimeka was hating on me and I fell out with her and Darry. After that, Miss Val and Angel started acting funny and when Angel left our line and Mook came, Miss Val asked to switch places on the line so that she didn't have to work next to me... and at the time I was pissed, but if she hadn't have done that, I would have never gotten the chance to know Mook. I remember the first real conversation we had. Everyone was wondering about the scare on his hairline, but no one (except me) was bold enough to ask him. He then told me that he'd been shot in the head and he went on to tell me the whole crazy story. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I remember Mook's first week he wore nothing but Dickies, so behind his back I gave him the nicknames "Yay E Yay, " and "West Siiiiide!" Sala, Baron and I would clown his Dickies on the low. It wasn't until the day he was laid off after we'd all exchanged hugs and numbers that he walked off and screamed back at us, "West Siiiide!" We hadn't realized but, the whole time he knew we were talking about him. We all look at each other and busted out in laughter.
I remember talking about Chipotle; what we take on our burritos and how frequently we ate there. Mook told Sala and I about one time when he ate two burritos in one day (which I can not fathom because I can barely eat one burrito without feeling the urge to vomit). I remember Mook and Baron teaming up on me all the time, and one time in particular they argued to the death that Beyonce was not the leading lady in Case's video for Happily Ever After. I bet the both of them... I youtubed the video that same night and recorded it on my camera phone. I will never forget the look on Mook's face when he lost the bet and had to buy me BW3 for lunch... and Baron bought me Grinders the next day, lol.I keep thinking about him asking for advice about the situation with his jump off being pregnant. He told me about how the jump off enrolled her son in the same daycare Malaya is in and that's how his wifey found out about the pregnancy. And unlike most men I know, he made the comment that he still had love for the girl and that he is really close with her 3 years old son. He even said, "I mean, I seriously doubt the baby is mine, but I will give her money to take care of it regardless." That showed how much of a stand up guy he was. He also confessed that is was stupid of him to cheat on his girl and that he loved her and had plans to marry her soon. I keep thinking about how he was supposed to come over for dinner once we found out we shared a love for Margarita Pizza. I also remember his second day when he didn't being his lunch and I shared the chili Erin made with him. I remember him telling me about his old school and other cars, the way he"stepped out" when he rarely hit the club.
Mook's funeral really was crazy. I have never seen so many grown men crying... many of which I know (it's a small world). Me and Sala were so confused when the funeral procession drove WAY from the far east side to Brittany Hills neighborhood. That was some straight Notorious BIG stuff how they drove the hearse through Mook's hood one more time. I have never seen that done before.
Mook,
You were my wing man on the line. You were SO silly, you kept it real on a level that I have never before or since seen a Columbus nigga do. You were a wonderful father to your daughter and even bigger Dad to countless fatherless children in CO. You were a very sweet guy that did not deserve the hand he was dealt and I will never forget you. You are more than my friend, you are my brother... you are my angel. I will never forget the last time I saw you (at Ice) and I will never forget the first time I saw you (at Delphi). It was a pleasure having met your acquaintance, I love you homie.
Rest In Peace Jesse "MOOK" Lanier July 8, 1977 ~ August 19, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)