Guilt

An unlikely friendship, Victor and mine's started in 2008 as cohorts at CSCC. Coincidentally, we crossed paths again at Ohio State and the rest is history. We cultivated a bond and had the loveliest of encounters. Always outgoing. Always ready to dish. My friend Victor was an awesome chatterbox who matched my motormouth. I miss him already. 

August 30, 2009

He said he would send me his resume. That was the last time I talked to my best friend. No different than times before, we'd go a few weeks without speaking, yet somehow this time was different. Somewhere in my heart I knew. A week ago I texted him, and he didn't respond. So unlike him. This confirmed it--the bad feeling I'd been harboring.

Last Thursday as I readied myself for a meeting I thought to google his name, but I was running late, so I didn't. And later that evening much like many others, I had a few moments to myself, so I googled, "Victor Isaranucheep."

October 11, 2014

Victor and I had a way with each other that I don't think either of us had with any other soul. We'd never walk away having discussed a situation without resolution. He had my answers and I had his. Our friendship was special. He was special. I remember after Phil broke up with me we met out for drinks. I walked into 16 Bit feeling worthless. Feeling empty. Feeling dead. And he gave me life. We talked about heavy shit that we just couldn't talk to anyone else about. No judgement. I guess this is the reason I feel so responsible. 

March 8, 2016

It's not normal to google someone's name after one unreciprocated text. It's just not. But I knew. I knew it in my heart. I didn't need to scramble after either. I knew the cause. I knew because he'd told me. He didn't tell anyone else, but he told me. And I have to live with that.

I haven't written a memorial post in a while, and this one isn't my best. I guess it's because I'm not sad. I've been crying nonstop since Thursday, but I'm not sad. I mean, I'm sure I will be sad--one day, but right now, I'm just mad. I'm very angry. I didn't even get to go to his service. Maybe I don't deserve the closure of a funeral, and I am willing to accept that too, but it's really fucked up. 

I am so sorry you felt alone, but you were wrong. You were not alone. I pray Yahweh welcomes your soul. I love you Victor, but I am really mad at you. 

Fellow Buckeye. Fellow writer. Fellow Ninja Turtle. I really love you Vic. And I am going to miss you forever. 

Love is a Hard Thing to Find in 2016

Two decades since I wrote those so-true words.
Although I was penning them, I don't think I heard.
And even if I did hear I don't think I had the courage.
To admit my perspective is this reason I couldn't cross that bridge.

But years have come and years have gone.
Tears have dropped and blood's been drawn.
And sweat? Profusely! Although out of order
Wishlist on men has somehow gotten shorter.

The art of settling without hating who I see in the mirror.
The notion of forgiving and admitting to having been a sinner.
A recipe for 33-no kids is what I'm baking.
A destiny for complacency is what I'm contemplating.

So far from that 13-year-old girl who was pregnant with a daughter.
Too deep to pretend to be comfortable wading in shallow water.
Still lost trying to be found so I dropped 16 mean lines.
Ringing true, in 2016 love is still hard to find.

How To Say It

I know I've taken up your early afternoon, but I wonder if something's there

Why would you stay so long, the brunch is gone--the rain has stopped

And I can't come off sentimental; don't want you to think I care

Pleasantries, but no high moments, your contentment has me shocked

No Luke warm, but it's not the right time to show my feeling are scorching hot

Just keep on catching up and the elephant in the room will be revealed

So, I just started this awkward poem and I just can't get a groove. Production copywriting does that. It drains creativity. I'm a machine. No love. No thought. I hate it. I'd love to write a poem, but I can't. Maybe my mind will be clearer after this vacation. A week of rest. 

I'm trying to figure out how to say I love you. I've said it before, but I don't think I've ever truly meant it. It was convenience and courtesy. It was going off a notion full of lies. You can't take away love, but if you realize you never knew that person to begin with, how could you love him? Anyhow, I am plagued with telling my friend I love him. But this is the thing, I don't even know if we're friends anymore. I don't even know what I mean, if anything at all. 

How do I start the conversation? With a, "Can I be honest?" The funny thing is, I don't even care if the feelings are mutual. I just don't want to leave word unspoken. The again we're in two different time zones. So there's that. 

 

Extension

Some are worth it. Some aren't. We need to pay better attention to where and with whom we're spending our time and energy. Going above and beyond is good in theory, but more times than not it's a waste of time.

Jobs give you a goal, but only award a bonuses to those who take the extra step? That concept is foreign. For free? Nah! Pay me. Business is not one sided. If I am completing a service I am getting paid for it and thumbs up don't count as commission.

I am being a bit scatter brained, but my point is I am done with the portion of my life where I over extend myself for other people. It has always gotten me no where. One way tickets and one sided feelings is bullshit.

People who want to be with you will show you. Things that Yahweh meant for you won't go unproven.

Stepping on egg shells, always wondering, feeling unworthy are not good signs. When something is real and warranted it should come easy. It's not about who called last. It's not about if a text goes unnoticed. Tit for tat is not real life. Either we are or we aren't.

Lately I'm finding myself walking away from long-time friendships without wincing. It's because they don't matter anymore. It's realistic to assume that the one-side friendships I have with people are the same. They've outgrown me and instead of noticing the cold-shoulder I've continued to keep communicating. There comes a time when well enough is left alone.

I met a guy in November. He's incredible and special. Sometimes we sit on the phone for hours. I haven't had conversations like these EVER. He's something out of a dream. Very attractive and very kind. TBH I didn't think there were really men like him out there. He speaks to my soul and he's just so god-damned lovely. Meeting him is one of the best things that's ever happened in my adult life. It's changed my perspective on what I should be expecting and accepting from men. Most importantly, it's made me realize that when Yahweh wants me to have something, I WILL have it.

A few months back I told a Tinder date that I am online because it's hard to meet black men. I live in an all-white neighborhood. My job is lily white and I hang in the Short North. So. Yeah. Then shortly after making that statement I was completely blindsided by this guy in November. Against all odds.

The point is Yahweh is always on time. Don't force life. Don't overextend your self. Just wait and be blessed. I don't know if this guys is for me, but he awakened my heart and for that I'm grateful.

5 Minutes of Musing

I don't know where you live. I don't know who you are.

All I can promise is I'll love you, but most days I'll take things too far

Temper goes through the roof at the drop of a hat

Say a lot of foolish things that I later wish I could take back

Passion is in abundance and support from me will never lack

You'll never feel like you're flailing because I'll always have your back 

Clean up messes before they're noticed. Cheer you up before you feel depressed

I may not always be up but I'll never lead you left

The reality is most love to see through rose colored lenses, but what you see is what u get

And once things are permanent you'll never experience regret

In no rush to move forward, desperation isn't my game 

Trying to honor my daddy's before I take on your name

Make one for myself. Pride isn't mine but I make those proud 

Who stand by me when no one else stayed around

And I'll stand my ground when I say I have no fears

When he's ready then I'm ready to spend the rest of my years. 

Can't Have One Without The Other

It's not the fear if flying, it's the fear of dying.

Leaving the world--unfinished business--and no one's crying 

In reality we need someone who helps us fly; gain new perspective 

Understand even when things seems bad, we have no clue from what we're being protected

And the things we're being subjected only make us stronger

So when we get him, the heart has already grown fonder

But what if we never reach our destination 

What if we miss our chance what if we miss our blessing?

Not sure that's possible but we have to step out on faith 

Hope the air catches our stride like breathes bait

And when turbulence hits it's more like growing pains

A necessary evil to build resistance. Now we see gains

Strange how point of view changes perception

What we think is the end He deems as conception

Troubled waters isn't the object, but the bridge over it is

Dying is fearful, but to fly is to live. 

My thoughts during my flight to the city of angel. 1-6-16

Conception

I loved Pierre and for a very long time I was in love with Pierre. Probably a lot longer than is healthy. He was special at the time. He was a game changer and it's only now fifteen years later that I understand and have the maturity to realize that what we had was real and beautiful. It took time for me to get here, but it all occurred to me last night when I had a very deep conversation with my good friend Joanne.

I realized how harsh, dismissive and unrealistic I was to believe when relationships don't work out everything about them is a lie. Pierre did love me. He loved me whole heartedly. He did his best. As did I. But we weren't meant to be. What we had when we had it was real. I've been really hard on myself over the years thinking because I am no longer with any of my exes they never truly loved me. That couldn't be farther from the truth and it's an absolute unfair accessment. They all loved me. They all still do, but for whatever reason it just didn't work out.

Anyhow, I loved Pierre. I remember one day I went to the mall to buy him a gift. I ran into a friend who worked in the mall. He offered to let me use his discount. I remember going into his store to look around. He assisted me. I talked about Pierre and he talked about his current girlfriend. Now what I say next may sound extremely odd, but it's a truth that I've only come to know 24 hours ago. When he mentioned his girlfriend he referred to her as his queen. In that moment I knew that I loved him. Yeah, I was still with Pierre. He would eventually go on to be my first love, but in that moment in the winter of 2001, I knew that I loved the other guy. I didn't act on it. I tucked the thought away for later. He had been a long-time friend. I knew he'd always be in my life. I call that sweet little moment conception.

I guess chronicling all my poems is dredging up a lot of old feelings for men I haven't thought about in years. I still love Pierre, but I don't think about him often. But the other guy--my old friend--I didn't need old poems to bring him back to my remembrance. He's always on my mind. Just tucked away, like that thought from 2001.

2001

Living in these moments that may have been one sided.
Hoping for an in love that seems to be unrequited.
I thought we were in love. That's all I'm saying.
The come true to my wishes. The answer to my praying.
Gotta' learn to leave the past in the past, no matter the last laugh.
Petty shit will eat you up inside. Plenty shit will make you mad.
Because at first glance it was nothing, just a smile in passing.
And the second chance turned into several more surpassing.
Shared stories about our past, hoping for a better future.
Forecasted to be sunny, but turned out to be another stormy suitor.
Hail. High winds. Heavy rains.
He pumped existence into my living then he became the bane.
Strange even violent how some things never work out.
Never on the same page, I'm nonchalant. He's devout.
Then I start to come around and my heart softens to him.
Then he says we should work on our friendship and once again the moment's ruined.

-For the cat to my mouse

Positivity, Positively

I have a philosophy that tells me no matter how bad things get, they will always turn out good in the end." -Charlie Brown

Prepared

I been reading my old journals
Checking to see where my head has been
And I been apologizing to some people
Some bridges I needed to mend
And I been eating more greens
Getting my body alkaline
Oh, I'm gonna be super fine
And I been letting
Been letting some old ideas go
I'm making room for my life to grow
I just wanna be prepared

I just wanna be, I just wanna be prepared
Getting myself ready for what's coming for me

I just wanna be, I just wanna be prepared
Prepared

Here me now

I been getting recipes off the internet
Most times they be banging
I realized they're only good when I put
My love spices all up in rices
I been
You know I been enjoying people who love each other
Husband and wife
Sister and brother
Father and mother
I let the queen inside
I let her shine
I been listening for God more
I been doing my chores

I just wanna be, I just wanna be prepared
Prepared

I've been getting myself together for what's coming to me

For when I see him at the end of the aisle

With that true heart and that real smile

Intentions pure

A love that will endure

I just want to be prepared

I'm getting myself together for what's coming to me

I just want to be prepare

-Jill Scott aka my spirit animal

That Moment When You Realize All Men Aren't The Same

Last October I met a guy. Last October I met a man--would be more accurate. For personal reasons I decided from our first date that I didn't want to be romantically involved with him and I was honest about it. But life being what it is, odd, we've continued to be friends. Drinks here. Dinner there. Texting once in a blue and one notorious phone conversation. Anyhow, he's a good person.

We went out to dinner last night and he casually mentioned that he wants to marry me. He elaborated and the conversation went into depth and there I realized something; men are either going to want you or they're not. It's not about money, clothes or education. It's not about loyalty or what makes sense. In the end, there is nothing a woman can or can't do to change a man's spirit.

Unfortunately, I've been through one tumultuous relationship after another, the last of which I actually got lost in. I continuously date African-American men who lead me to believe that these games have meaning and they don't. When a good man meets a good woman, it's simple. If those two people are in the right place, they'll vibe and get married. Obviously, I'm not in a good place and I've been clear about that from the beginning. I just wish the men I'd dated in the past would have given me the same truth and courtesy that I have given my friend.

Life is short and time is damn near nonexistent. In these bounds of limits it's best to keep it pushing. I've crushed on more guys than I'd like to admit and more times than not it never worked out for me. I am learning to take things at face value. Shoot my shot. Miss. Run down court. I'm 32 and I don't have the luxuries that I owned ten years ago.

Last night, my friend told me that's he's continued to contact me, almost a year later, because he hasn't met anyone like or better than me. He said when he does he'll probably stop reaching out. And that sums up my dating life. As stated, I've crushed on many men. The ones that I'm over have been trumped by men better than them. The ones that I still swoon over are different, better and maybe even the best type of men.

The reality is, the odds are stacked against me. Statistically black women in America don't ever marry. I've had dark moments in the last three years. Really dark moments. But this year is different. It's been a rebuilding year. I still get bad news, but it doesn't sting me like before. This is the first year since 2010 that hasn't been worse than the year before. I realize that's a blessing. He's keeping me.

It's not probable that my friendship will be cultivated beyond were it is now, but I've learned something valuable in the last day that I want to share. It's never a good time to give up.

Take Care

I wonder do you think of me. I wonder if your heart hurts. I hope you're happy. I hope someone is loving you. I really do. I don't know who you are. I don't know where you are, but I hope desperately that you can feel what's in my heart. Maybe it's too late for us. Maybe we never happened. I just hope you're taking care of yourself.

Stage Two: Life Is Interesting

So there are three stages of a break up. One: the stage when you're still in the relationship, but your know it's over aka MISERY. Two: the stage when it's definitively over, but you're still feeling regret aka MISERY. Three: the stage when you're as over it as you possibly can be and ready to move one. Today, I realized that I and my two best friends fill these three stages.

 Being gray is very dangerous. Or, it can be. Being gray is good when you can look back and see what black looked like. Being gray is good when you can look forward and see what you will be like in the future. When I get the hysterical phone calls from my bestie in Texas, man, it's insane. It's like word for word the things I was saying a year ago. And when I talk to my bestie in Greensboro, I remember that when I met her, she was at the lowest point in her life. She has a drug dealing baby daddy and no job. Now, she has an MBA and is at the top of her field and this all happened within two years of his imprisonment. Today, she and I also realized, that where relationships are concerned, we had to have already gone through the worst of it.

 The point is, things get better. Even when you're in the midst of it, it helps to have friends who give you perspective. One friend shows me how far I've come and the other gives me encouragement to get through where I am. Improvement. Hope. I've never had female friends like this in my life and I am certain I would never have had I not gone through my last relationship.

He knocked me off my high horse and I needed it. I've been rejected and I've done some pretty nasty rejecting, but nothing like this last time. For the first time, I had to seek out someone to be vulnerable to and it just happened to be these two beautiful ladies. I feel incredibly sad--most days, yet incredibly blessed. Humbled.

 My friend who is currently going through it decided to start a journal for the sole purpose of tracking the fluctuations in her misery. She's trying to convince herself; she's looking for a way out. My other friend is at the point of healing where she's finally willing to let her son see his father in prison. Life is crazy. Sometimes it doesn't look like there is a way out. I have to remind myself daily--and on weekends like this when I am alone hourly--that things get better and I will be happy again. Whatever happy is. What my ex and I had was special. For months, almost a year, I've tried to deny that. I tried to pretend like I was okay, unbothered and I think this prolonged me REALLY getting over it. It was special. And although it may not have been once-in-a-life-time kinda love, what we had was rare and we will never find it with anyone else. This isn't a bad thing. This means, love like that does exist. This means, that if I could have something so special with the wrong person, I probably can't fathom what it's going to be like with The One. Life is interesting like that...very grime facts have silver linings.

Time Stands Still

In an effort to talk about some fucked up shit without really talking about it, I am going to be mad passive and vague. Even still, it's obvious what this is about. For the last few weeks I have been trying to figure out if it's better to be treated badly or for one to pretend to love me. I can't figure it out. Because in the end the truth always comes out. And the little moments I thought would live forever, I'm finding out never really existed. The love I thought I shared--reciprocated, was truly unrequited. Anyhow, I am stuck. I am stuck on a forever that never was. I've had ample distractions and a host of support, but I still can't seem to shake the feeling of what's happening to me. It's so unreal. It's like a movie. Worse, it's like a book. It's embarrassing to have someone mean so much when I literally never did, don't and never will mean anything to him. I wish there was an easy way out. I wish I were brave enough to take the easy route. I've prayed and my prayers have been answered. I thank Yahweh for that. I do. But the reality is, there is not short cut from pain. I am in a very ugly place and unfortunately I'm not moving. Superpower.

A Thin Line Between Love and Date

Whether it's searching for a soulmate or looking to sing.

We're all tryna' live out our dreams.

Relocations can differ, final destinations can be deemed.

Still, all that has yet to be seen. 

Wishful thinking gets shot down, feelings dismissed it seems.

Can be a blow to one's self esteem.

Not persistent to resistance, don't wanna come off as a fiend.

But I still want to be on your team.

They say it won't come to those who search so I focus on the green.

Yet we all need a shoulder to lean.

Life ain't perfect, but I ain't either if u know what I mean.

Shit even I would have to wear cream.

And I ain't getting any younger, twice the age of this sixteen.

Guess I should be looking for a ring.

Til' then...

I'll stand online, play the role-read my lines, super swing. 

I just hope you know how to read in between.

-For JC

"But Watching Stars Without You? My Soul Cries!"

Close, too close it made time stand still

Looking back all of what transpired doesn't seem real

Effortless was silence, natural was our conversation

Unrealistic were ends to a means being contemplated 

Lies told so often that truth did not exist

Truth never spoken, eyes left an abyss

And I dreamed about him and he materialized 

Now I dream about him and I can't believe my eyes 

An eternal existence lying on precious moments

An acquired resistance and feelings when it's too late to show it

So I don't respond and I don't entertain

Yet I crave to hear him say my name

It's the only time Lindsay made sense, only time it sounded right

Because it was the only time Lindsay had finally gotten it right

Holding your ground is the law and it's the only time death makes sense

Because having life without an us is a false pretense

I thought the world would revolve without us...

A moment in the soul can last forever...the ride with you was worth the fall and all that other shit Whitney was talking' bout on Didn't We Almost Have It All.

For Jarhead

Slim by any Other Name Would be as Sweet

I once heard any plane Obama flies in is Air Force One. That shit had me thrown. 

Using their logic, any chair you sit in should be referred to as the throne. 

Could be the liquor talking, I do tend to give lip service--cupid's bow. 

Can't be that, because I'm truthful to a fault, even at the expense of a potential beau. 

What's semantics to a king? Even the common lyricist would catch the scent.

It ain't game. I write what I mean. I stand by what I sent. 

You inspire me on the daily. Your words have me fazed. 

And I'm twice the age of sweet 16, so I can't be going through a phase. 

Cause words are our bond, right? Well you should let them rain. 

Even when they ain't sweet don't bite your tongue, Slim it's your time to reign. 

Mary-Poppins these niggas. Let the world know how you feel. 

Give em that spoon full of Sugar, time for prescriptions to get filled. 

Or refilled, re-up! Let your voice be heard--vision seen. 

Been a while since a man like you has shown up on the scene. 

You are the truth-like church. Your voice is the peal. 

With you the medicine goes down. With you it's easy to take the red pill. 

For STS

Living My Life Like It's Golden

In your songs I find healing, I think you are the one 

I could be in my feelings, I could be a little bit gone 

I heard you on a feature, decided to download Demand More 

Your music has real meaning, for me it was a cure 

Writer's block for a minute, somehow you became my muse 

The structure to my sentence, the dazed to my confused 

Your words speak to my soul--for real they're mad uplifting 

Make me act out my goals. Make me act on forgiveness 

Been letting go of a lot of hate lately, yet life still is tough 

No matter how high I keep climbing frankly, my best is never enough 

Token around these corporate folk, so I throw on my poker face & shit 

In cubicle hell I'm equally yoked, your music provides that spaceship 

And sometimes I drift in the moment and wish I really did know him 

Usually keep my feelings to myself, they say silence is golden 

But what's the point of having love and not expressing appreciation? 

I just have to let you know, you are my inspiration 

For STS

Sometimes

As I grow older and wiser I realize how much I do not know love. I know nothing about it. For so long I have made this mistake of expecting or demanding others to love me the way I understand love. I have been confusing myself, because at best I barely get love. It's so mysterious. What I think love is, what I have called love, has left me empty. In reality, that's what hate does--not love. So what is love?

Love Jones

When I use to get sad, down, depressed, I'd drink and listen to my Sad Songs playlist on iTunes. You know the one. It includes songs like Am I Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers or anything Mary J from the 90s or prior to No More Drama before she got Kendu and happy. Now? I watch Love Jones. Even though I know things will never be the same and I can never take him back, it's good to watch a story similar to ours and see a happy ending. I wish it were that simple. I want to be like those girls in the movies...well I guess Ashanti sang it best.