Guilt

An unlikely friendship, Victor and mine's started in 2008 as cohorts at CSCC. Coincidentally, we crossed paths again at Ohio State and the rest is history. We cultivated a bond and had the loveliest of encounters. Always outgoing. Always ready to dish. My friend Victor was an awesome chatterbox who matched my motormouth. I miss him already. 

August 30, 2009

He said he would send me his resume. That was the last time I talked to my best friend. No different than times before, we'd go a few weeks without speaking, yet somehow this time was different. Somewhere in my heart I knew. A week ago I texted him, and he didn't respond. So unlike him. This confirmed it--the bad feeling I'd been harboring.

Last Thursday as I readied myself for a meeting I thought to google his name, but I was running late, so I didn't. And later that evening much like many others, I had a few moments to myself, so I googled, "Victor Isaranucheep."

October 11, 2014

Victor and I had a way with each other that I don't think either of us had with any other soul. We'd never walk away having discussed a situation without resolution. He had my answers and I had his. Our friendship was special. He was special. I remember after Phil broke up with me we met out for drinks. I walked into 16 Bit feeling worthless. Feeling empty. Feeling dead. And he gave me life. We talked about heavy shit that we just couldn't talk to anyone else about. No judgement. I guess this is the reason I feel so responsible. 

March 8, 2016

It's not normal to google someone's name after one unreciprocated text. It's just not. But I knew. I knew it in my heart. I didn't need to scramble after either. I knew the cause. I knew because he'd told me. He didn't tell anyone else, but he told me. And I have to live with that.

I haven't written a memorial post in a while, and this one isn't my best. I guess it's because I'm not sad. I've been crying nonstop since Thursday, but I'm not sad. I mean, I'm sure I will be sad--one day, but right now, I'm just mad. I'm very angry. I didn't even get to go to his service. Maybe I don't deserve the closure of a funeral, and I am willing to accept that too, but it's really fucked up. 

I am so sorry you felt alone, but you were wrong. You were not alone. I pray Yahweh welcomes your soul. I love you Victor, but I am really mad at you. 

Fellow Buckeye. Fellow writer. Fellow Ninja Turtle. I really love you Vic. And I am going to miss you forever.