Conception

I loved Pierre and for a very long time I was in love with Pierre. Probably a lot longer than is healthy. He was special at the time. He was a game changer and it's only now fifteen years later that I understand and have the maturity to realize that what we had was real and beautiful. It took time for me to get here, but it all occurred to me last night when I had a very deep conversation with my good friend Joanne.

I realized how harsh, dismissive and unrealistic I was to believe when relationships don't work out everything about them is a lie. Pierre did love me. He loved me whole heartedly. He did his best. As did I. But we weren't meant to be. What we had when we had it was real. I've been really hard on myself over the years thinking because I am no longer with any of my exes they never truly loved me. That couldn't be farther from the truth and it's an absolute unfair accessment. They all loved me. They all still do, but for whatever reason it just didn't work out.

Anyhow, I loved Pierre. I remember one day I went to the mall to buy him a gift. I ran into a friend who worked in the mall. He offered to let me use his discount. I remember going into his store to look around. He assisted me. I talked about Pierre and he talked about his current girlfriend. Now what I say next may sound extremely odd, but it's a truth that I've only come to know 24 hours ago. When he mentioned his girlfriend he referred to her as his queen. In that moment I knew that I loved him. Yeah, I was still with Pierre. He would eventually go on to be my first love, but in that moment in the winter of 2001, I knew that I loved the other guy. I didn't act on it. I tucked the thought away for later. He had been a long-time friend. I knew he'd always be in my life. I call that sweet little moment conception.

I guess chronicling all my poems is dredging up a lot of old feelings for men I haven't thought about in years. I still love Pierre, but I don't think about him often. But the other guy--my old friend--I didn't need old poems to bring him back to my remembrance. He's always on my mind. Just tucked away, like that thought from 2001.