ALIas The Lion

Incredibly gracious, he smiled on me
His kind heart and warm ways flow so effortlessly
I find myself posing and it's almost exhausting
What earning his love is costing
It's a tale of the fittest, I must be strong
Or I'm left to envy the next girl on his arm
Because he was the king from the day I met him
No one could reach the pedestal on which I set him
And maybe it's a joke, but I'm not laughing
There may be many questions, but I'm not asking
Just wait for what is given and he always delivers
Just the thought of him on my mind and my body shivers

It's over and I still smile, glad that I was granted
There were many questions and he was the answer
I use to regret men, but I am so happy he happened
Broken hearted and still grateful amongst the pieces, shattered
Memories of mere moments I will never forget
Someone so special away from me I will always relent

Done

If this doesn't work out I promise with everything in me that I am done with love. I can not feel like this again. It's not worth it. I'd rather be alone always, that with someone for a moment that causes me so much pain that I can get through the rest of the time. It's sad but true. I've convinced myself before that things will be different this time, but they won't. The only difference is it will be worse. I am not sure about what lesson Yahweh wants me to learn. I am not sure what the purpose is in all of this, but I do know that he is the only one I have ever trusted and apparently he preordained all of which I am going through and have gone through in the past. Happiness is a choice and he made it that way. From this year forth I choose to be happy and I see that love has no place in my life. Love has never had a place in my life and most likely it never will. No one has ever loved me. I am not sure why, I guess He wants me to know that I shouldn't get comfortable here, but sometimes I feel like that cruel adjective that was mentioned about Yahweh in Scandinavian 548 was true. Either which was around, I'm done. Good day.

B.S. aka BULL SHIT (*Baron Voice)

I thought I would be sadder, but the sad truth is I'm immune
To being hurt be men after they do the things they do
About a year ago I gave up on love, then Tuesday I decided to leap
Rookie error to bet on someone I only knew one week

People don't believe me when I give them numbers, but my heart knows every digit
Every heartache, every heartbreak, that turned from too-good-to-be-true to unrealistic
That's why I move so slow, not in a rush to be let down
And the one time I change my mind, I wink and he's not around

Trust, Loyalty, What Does It All Mean? S. of C.

I'm having trouble seeing clearly. The best way I can describe it is blurred tunnel vision; it's a very narrow path.

The people I once knew cared about me are gone with the wind. I'm not so sure about them anymore.

I think about J.D. a lot and I wonder what could have been...what would have been? How is it someone so special, honest... someone so perfect, maybe the only person who has ever genuinely loved me for no reason at all, had to die? I know that I have so much to be grateful for, and I hate complaining (even through my thoughts), but some things in my life are astronomically unfair. There are questions that I have, thoughts that I push to the back of my mind because I am too afraid to learn what they really mean. I think that even if they were explained to me in great detail, I still would not understand.

I can't remember the last time I met someone who cared about me. It seems most people don't care about anything at all. So, who am I to believe that I could get a rise out of anyone?

Jason Dorsey taught me everything I need to know about life; never let my guard down. The people I am most loyal to are the ones who I should trust the least. When someone has proven one's self time and time again, though it may seem unnatural, the next time will be THE time that person let's me down. Jason taught me to love the things about people that can not be bought, earned, or changed. In the short run, that lesson is a gift and a curse, because when you learn to love the little things, it's hard to let a person go...even the jerks. J. taught me to have multiple perspectives. I just wish I had acknowledged these lessons before it were too late.

On the outside I am steel, but where it counts? I am becoming a cold, unmoved individual. In my life, I do not have a soul that I trust. Everyone is going in their own separate directions.

BJ....CM...KP...RR... these women changed my life. I will always wonder, what could have been. A chain of events, where if anything would have changed, EVERYTHING would have changed...everything would be different.

I could have all these things, but what does it mean when I'm gone? What is trust and loyalty worth if he's dead? I guess I'll never know.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to TRUST NO ONE but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together."
~Marilyn Monroe

Reminiscing

Since Charge-It-To-The-Game no one else has ever meant much to me. He is the reason that all of my friendships are disposable. He is the reason why I believe everyone is phony. I spent so much time bottling up my true feelings for him, and I waited too long to tell him the truth about how I felt. Timing is a bitch. For the rest of my life I will wonder what could have been. I know this is some high school, junior high, Caledonia type shit, but there will always be a place in my heart for him. Eight years is not too late. Forever is not too late. I started writing poems about that kid in '96. Ninety six! I wrote poems about him for over five years before I gave one to him. And when I did, he tossed me to the lions. I guess that's the way love goes.

Love is a Very Hard Thing to Find in 1996

Love is a very hard thing to find in 1996
So many player haters always tripping, trying to make a conflict
In relationships all I look for is trust, honesty, respect, and nothing less
But if I didn't sleep until I found this, I wouldn't get any rest
I know no one is perfect and that's always been then same
The present is now, the future will come, and my past will never changed
I'm searching for my destination, which is someone who loves me
I want a real man who satisfies my needs
I'm gone tell you something that's very true
From much experience, you should have know I knew
Broken hearts are hard to fix
Love is a very hard thing to find in 1996

I OBVIOUSLY wrote this in 1996, 13 years ago. All of which I said is still current.Thirteen years ago, I was half my age. I wrote this poem for one of my classmates who was about 6 months pregnant at the time. Man, I was 13, a baby, knowing nothing about love... and I still don't. Crazy huh?

A Couple Lines For Alias

He made me love things that I once hated, completely changed my view.
And even though my heart is heavy, I admit I was a better woman once it was through.
Now I always look for an upside to every down story, always looking for meaning.
And I always felt like half of me was dying every time I watched him leaving.
I want to tell him how I feel, but now he's way too busy.
I want him to be my soul mate, but now he's too good for Lindsay.
All the while I know it will never happen and still I stay persistent.
Once someone is in your heart, that love is never ending.

Everything of Is a Version of Something Else

Whether is was last year, five years ago, or a decade, I've been here before. I've heard the same lines, I have heard the same lies. I put up with it because I have nothing better to do. I put up with not-much-at-all because a little is more than nothing at all. Random text messages and less frequent phone calls are the glue that continue to give me false hope.

Now that Erin is married, people are looking for my next move. My mom asked me if I have a boyfriend, and I wanted to tell her that the unrealistic 1969 antics that she pressures me to follow wouldn't get be a friends let along a caller. Instead, I just told her, "No." I know who I want and I know what I want, but I am having trouble getting there.

A lot of women say that all men are dogs. I don't agree with their angle, but I do believe that all men are the same. Every man is looking to get ahead without any consideration to their counterparts. The man I am dealing with doesn't even seem to have the natural affection that "Allah" gave him. I would blame it on being unevenly yoked, but the three men from the I.D.M.R. that I've dated were worse.

I don't want much. I just want to make love and have my husbands babies. Ten years from I hope to be that version of myself. If I am anywhere in the process, I'll be happy.

WARM-UP

So, today is the day that I turn in my first completed draft for the MLK Day Event. This will be my first byline and therefore the launch of my writing career. I am a little nervous, and in hopes of calming myself down, I decided to jump on here and relinquish some obscure thoughts that might hault my creativity.

Nothing much has been going on lately. It had been eight months since I'd seen Alias, but I broke down. I saw him last Monday and Tuesday while I was in Cleveland. I sometimes wish that I could have met a person at a different time in life. Alias seems so jaded. It never seems like he cares about anything or anybody. Or maybe it's that he just doesn't care about me? I wonder if we had met when he was 30 or 25 and I was still the same age I am now, would it have worked? It's my personal belief that we would have been perfect for each others. It's actually my belief that we are perfect for each other now, but he is in Cleveland and I am here. In a world where time is only an allusion, does bad timing exist?

Love is a tricky, sticky thing. It confuses you and leads you down a path that isn't a path at all. It's a dead end. Love traps you and won't let you go. No matter how long it's been or how much you try to move on, escaping it is impossible. Alias as a person is perfect for me, everything about him. When I smile at him he smiles back, no reservations. When I ask him a question he answers it, no snide comments. I may never know what our relationship means. He may add to a list of others like Charge-It-To-The-Game, 50, Big Time, Candle Light, Esco Bar, and BBD, and I will never know. He may never believe or know just how much he means to me. Ten years from now, I may wonder where he is. I don't know. For right now I don't want it to end.

It's nice to see good guys and wish they were mines. But there are always going to be dividing factors. They're going to hate my upbringing, complexion, attitude... something.

I just want to move and start over. I want to pack up and leave no forwarding address. I've had my cell phone number for 8 years, but I am not going to make it to 9. I want a new number. I want to shut down my Facebook, Myspace, Black Planet, Hotmail, and Twitter. I don't want to take anything I had in my old life to my new existence. My family is my only asset. Everything else is a liability. Loose friendships and even looser relationships have done nothing but drag me down for the last twenty years. Since I was old enough to know what a friend is, I've been disappointed and mistreated. Since I was old enough to get into a relationship, I've been cheated on and disregarded. Now, all I feel is resentment for all the above. I want to go somewhere with a clear mind and fresh heart. I want to ride pass a street that doesn't have some sort of negative attachment. I want to dine in a restaurant where the food doesn't remind me. And at night I want to lay my head in an environment that will let me dream. Everything will start with this script. I'm ready.

Complicated

I am starting to think that men and relationship, maybe even friendships at times, are too complicated for me. I feel like I am always putting on a front for someone to like me. I can't remember the last time I was just myself! I bend over backwards to be nice to my ex just to prove that I am not bitter. I hang around girls I think are complete idiots, just to prove that I am have the ability to be cordial with females instead of falling out with them. I date men that I am not even interested in for the sake of having something to do and I am tired of it. The men I like never like me. It's always something. I don't know if they think I'm not good enough, or not pretty enough, or what? They never even give me a chance. I am exhausted. I keep thinking about NYC and how much I hate Columbus. I am miserable here. I just want to go. I always think about how different my life would have been if I hadn't left Cleveland. I am so glad I left there when I did. I hope that a year from now I am saying the same thing about Columbus.

I can not wait to start over. Most people wouldn't go to the city where they don't know anyone, but I prefer it that way. I want to go into a club where no one knows my name. I want to recreate myself without "so-called" friends hating on my self improvement. I want to go to a city where all the men are not self absorbed to the point where they can't recognize a good woman life me.

I'm pretty and intelligent. I have a degree and a drive to be better than what even my mother expects. I am strong and I encourage/push my friends to go to the next level. I am sound in my religion. What more could a man ask for? If nothing else has become so obviously apparent in these last eight years, there is no one in Columbus for me and I can't wait to move on.

Disrespected

Have you ever felt like you've met THE ONE only to find that you've met ANOTHER ONE? Well, that is where I am right now. I found someone who I mesh so well with. We like the same things, favor the same movies, finish each others lines, and we're both members of the IDMR. Perfect. Until tonight.

The fuckery that men put women through is lethal. They tell us what we want to hear and never bother to show their true feelings until we're emotionally attached. Every single time I go through this I tell myself it's going to be the last time, but it never is. If you disrespect men and treat them like they treat you, you're a bitch. If you do your best to make things work, you get bitched. So what is a woman to do?

For the longest time I blamed myself. I though maybe I was too skinny, then I got thick. I came to OSU to find out I was not light enough. I grew my hair out, cut it and it never mattered. I changed my attitude, got my priorities in order, and still that was not enough. I am starting to realize that it is not me, it's them. It's black men and the inferiority complex. Black men are to uncomfortable in their own flesh that they will do any and everything to knock those around them who are happy with what Yahweh has given them. 

Anyhow, my friend told me to "suck [his] dick" earlier. I don't even know what to say to that. So I erased him off my friend's list and deleted his number out of my phone. I refuse to be disrespected on my own watch. This is why I can not take men seriously. This is why I want to get the hell out of Ohio and start over. I am pretty much done with chasing and changing. Calling, texting with no response is a thing of the past. Say good bye to Lindsay, because the old me is back.

The Last Time I Saw Him

He reminded my of a breath of fresh air.

No one or nothing could have stopped me from being there.

When he talked I listened with no interruptions.

And when he gave me advice there were no corruptions.

I can honestly says I loved everything about him, even his flaws.

The things he did that bothered me made me smile most of all.

That night was a pivotal moment in my life.

I wish I could get back to that feeling-oh-so-right.

But he left.

The last time I saw him his eyes shined so bright.

He took his gloves off and placed his left hand on my thigh.

We watched the millennium together, fireworks sparked.

Literally and physically as we sat there parked.

It was a Camry. He was a Maybach. I drove a Probe.

I drove away and the night was cold.

I drove away and I will always regret.

After I drove away what came next.

He left me.

R.I.P. Jason Robert Dorsey

You will never know just how much you mean to me. There is not a day that passes when I don't think of you. I am eternally grateful to Yahweh for bringing you into my life. I will never forget January 1, 2001. 

Who Can Be Against Me?

After graduating last week without so much as a celebratory text, call, tweet, or note on Facebook from any one of my so-called friends, I feel uplifted. Progression is fine to my "friends" as long as I am not progressing pass them. I left Cleveland to find a better life. I have gone through hell and high water to keep in touch with my loved ones at home. The sad truth is, the only ones who give me reciprocity are my immediate family members and that's fine.

I even had an old friend from home move to Columbus a few years ago. We grew closer than we ever had been when we were in E.C. Then she got pregnant. All of a sudden she is giving me the cold shoulder. I went out of my way to take her out in her birthday. A week later on my birthday, I didn't even get a call. I went out of my way to MAKE her a fabulous baby shower gift (and let's not forget I haven't had a job since December of 2007). The bitch couldn't even do so much as to take a picture of my gift like she had with the other ladies at the shower. Furthermore, she did not even bother to show up at my graduation. I realized something then and there, she can not be a friend to me because I am happy and she is not.

I have plenty of female friends who are mothers. yet I seem to never stay friends with women who were childless when our friendships started. As soon as they get pregnant and unhappy, they write me off.

Right here and now I am making a pledge to myself. I will never be a babies mother. I will never birth a child into an unhappy marriage. I am going to do everything within my power to be a happy woman and when my power fails I will not hesitate to call on Yahshua. Yahshua was there when I was born and he is here now. He is my all in all. And when none of my so-called friends on Earth felt a need to attend my graduation, he orchestrated it!

A year ago I told myself I would work for McGraw-Hill and finish at Ohio State. I did it. Two years ago I said I would live in NYC; I am still going to do it. I will make the sacrifices necessary to get into City College and get my MFA in Creative Writing. No one will hold that it took me eight years to graduate over my head. And if they do I won't mind. The men who looked over me will never forget my face, and the women who couldn't not welcome my happiness will have more of a reason to be envious. You read it first here. When it comes to past I hope you are one of the people who enjoy my success with me. Yahshua is my foundation, rest, and everything. Yahshua is my Elohim. If he be for me...

Hungry

I have am so hungry for love, but not any love. I want a specific love. A man that believes in whom I believe in. A man who is fit and cute. A man who whole heartily loves me and would never leave me. He doesn't have to be rich (though that would be a perk). He doesn't have to be popular (I'd actually prefer him not to be). He just has to be a Yahweh fearing man who loves me and what we have together. Am I asking for too much? I think not.

I had a revelation as I laid on the couch this morning. Yahweh provides everything I need. He has gotten me through hell and high water. He will bring me a man that makes me happy and makes me see his purpose even clearer. I am sure of it. So, I am sitting on His promise. I love Yahweh so much. I love him so much that my unhappiness is happy.

Inspired by Lauryn

I had to walk away and close my ears
Because love wouldn't do that; love doesn't bring tears
And when he called I sent him to voicemail even when he blocked to private
Because love doesn't move that way; love doesn't act childish
When friends turned against me and chose his side, I gave them space
Because love isn't like that; love isn't two faced
After a while I forgot about the bad things, and wanted to forgive
Because love always does that; love wants to be friends
Then he crossed the line and found a way back into my heart
Because love always does that, love knows how to play its part
Break up to make up became the story of our relationship
Because love just renews itself; love won't let you split
By the end it was shame on me for giving him a second chance
Just because love is perfect does not mean it will be a perfect romance.

Men Who Are Taken

Lately, I have been bombarded by men who are taken. Some of these men are in relationships, many are affianced, and the rest are married. I am not "the other woman" type, but at the same time I will not enforce someone else's relationship. I try ignore the men who are married and hope that their marriages get better. When I am approached by men in relationships, I am just thankful that I am not committed to a cheating man. But when it comes to the men who are in relationships and make advances towards me, I must admit I have the tendency to flirt.

I met a boy when I was a girl. I thought he was everything. He befriended me and sent me letters. One summer I got into a relationship with someone else; by then he was a man. He didn't approve of my relationship, but we continued to talk. I broke up with the man I was seeing when I was 20. We talked a lot and he mentioned marriage, but I was still too young. We lost contact and the next time I heard his name come up in conversation he had married another woman. It hadn't even been a year. I wished the best for him, but deep down inside I was sad.

Time came and went and so did his marriage. I thought that maybe Yahweh had thrown me a bone. We got back in contact and talked quite frequently. I visited him several times and every time he moved around the country our friendship got closer. He flew me down to visit him last spring and after he dropped me off at the airport, I never talked to him again. I am not quite sure what happened. Well, I wasn't sure until he myspaced me last week to say that he had married again and now has a step son. I am happy for him.

I started thinking about prayer and how much I have asked Yahweh to bring me someone who is successful but shares my religion. For a long time, even though there was no chemistry, I thought that he was that man. He has a degree and is making six figures. He is nice looking overall and doesn't have any kids. But it wasn't him. This spring, I met another man from the Institute. He seems to be another Mr. Everything. He has a degree and a successful career. He has never been married and doesn't have any children, but he is engaged to an older woman who has a son. I want to be happy for him and wish him the best. But honestly, I wonder what could have been if I would have met him a year ago. Two years ago. Three years ago. Will Yahweh throw me another bone with a taken man?

Wanna Be Loved

Don't feel no pity for me cause I'm going through a couple thangs
Life means change; that's the way it goes
All my life I had a constant burning & strong deep desire an aching ambiguous yearning
For something better, for something BIGGER, for something wider, for something higher
And got some regrets cause I ain't seemed to find it yet
I been searching round the world never knowing what to expect
I get sad YUP I BE MAD
Cause I'm out here on the grind making mine and I still can't seem to find
What I'm looking for, open so many doors
Forreal y'all...I JUST WANNA BE LOVED!

~Jill Scott

Thoughts

My English 533 professor told our class last quarter that most of the great writers were insomniacs. Well, hopefully the same is said about me oneday. Hopefully I will be the greatest.

I had a good conversation with Emeri and Elise today. I love when of conversations get religious and all the timidness falls away. Yahweh is amazing.

I am so over Maize and Blue that I am going to send him all of his so-called prized possesions. Back when we were dating he never had money. I would always buy him gifts, and since he could not return the favor he would give me game jerseys and championship rings. That meant a lot when I thought that I meant a lot, but now I know that I never did mean anything to him. That is fine, but it is nice to finally know the truth. I was going to post a lot more, but I think I am done for the night.

Forgiveness

Many things will make you cry, but most things aren't worth the stress.
A lot of so-called friends will disappoint; only a few will stand the test.
Even when life is at it's height in 60 seconds it can turn to mess.
Just drop to you knees where ever you stand and Yahweh will do the rest.
Enemies will scrap your surface, but the cut comes deepest from your BFF
All your stock will plummet as soon as you decide to invest
People will suck you dry until you have nothing left.
And when you need them the most-they'll laugh in your face at best.
Lovers will deceive you and lie to the death.
With 3 hail Marys and a priest in a booth, they still won't confess.
Then you get to the point where cold blood pumps through your chest.
But the best thing you could ever do is forgive and forget.

In The Case Of Love

Anything goes. There is no losing of pride, no limits or bounds. Getting on one's knees and sacrificying it all is a small price to pay to gain affection, but when one is left empty handed is there a such thing a recovery? I don't believe so. I had to so much to lose and I lost it all. That's how I feel everytime I think about my love life-or lack of rather. I gave so much and was handed shit in return. Now, when it's time to move on I can. Why? Maybe I am too scared. Maybe I am too scarred. Maybe I no longer have the ability to love. Maybe, I don't have enough money to put gas in my car and on this soft Wednesday evening when I could be in bible school getting reassurance I am instead at home making and tossing back cocktails. May it's because I was never good enough for the Jason Moores or Sean Coffeys or Terence Dials or Tyler Iboms. Maybe I'm not good enough for anyone. So, rather than have a man suffer through what is LINDSAY, Yahweh has decided to spare them all. I'll always be too dark, too short, too thick. It will always be a problem that it took me to get my degree 8 years instead of 8. My upbringing is fine, but growing up in East Cleveland will always raise an issue for someone. Not enough lovers or too many lovers? Too sensitive or as Romero once said not ladylike enough. Lindsay will never quite make the cut. Before, I coped with it, but now I don't knw how I feel anymore. It's just one of those nights. Depression mixed with liquor is a bitch... kind of like Black mixed with ugly. Or Black mixed with fat. Or the combination of all three. Stressed the fuck out right now. And through it all, all I can think about is if the longest sentence in this sentence is longer than 35 words. Because I'm an English major and no good sentence should be more than 35 words. Actually the best are only 25. And any number under 10 has to be spelled out. So if sentences were only good if they were nine words or less then I would always be spelling out nine intead of cutting to the chase and typing/writing 9. The rule of 9. It's the same in American Sign Language. Nine is that breaking point. So what does that mean? If nine the real perfect number instead of sever or eight? Or have I just had one too many? In the case of love there is no such thing as too many. OUT!