Disappear

"When I think about it, I know that I was never there, or even cared.
The more I think about it, the less that I was able to share- with you.
I try to reach you- I, can almost feel you, you're nearly hear... and then
You disappear...

I missed ALL THE SIGNS, one at a time- you were ready." Beyonce Disappear

I love this song, but every time I listen to it- it makes me think of him. By the time the chorus drops, I am in tears. It never fails, especially on nights like this when I've already been drinking. Songs are so ironic. Sometimes they're so vague that it seems that anyone within ear shot could relate. But every once in a while, there comes along a song like this one that makes me think Beyonce's writers are sitting on a stool sitting inside my mind.

Every time I think about our relationship, I see soooo clearly that he never gave a fuck about me. I think about how much I was going through back then (which is still to blame for my unhappiness now) and I think about nights I spent crying myself to sleep. Now, when cry myself to sleep, I wish I had a friend or a boyfriend to vent to, but even when I did- I never told him shit. I couldn't trust him enough to tell him anything.

I could put this song on repeat and never tire of it. Word for word, the story of my life... or my relationships at least.


"And she claim she only with me for the currency. YOU CUT ME DEEP BITCH, CUT ME LIKE A SURGERY!" ~Kanye West Bitter Sweet

Ready For The World

I'm bored with transition. I just want to graduate, get a decent job, find a man who I adore and in turn sincerely loves me and be happy. I don't need to be rich. I don't HAVE to go to grad or law school. I don't even prefer a man who is drop dead gorgeous & fit. I just want a respectable nice looking young man who is confident and inspiring.

I have been through a lot in life, much of which I have not included in this blog, but I realize that the major events of my life have yet to come. I haven't yet graduated. I haven't yet been married. I haven't yet had a child. I haven't yet become aware of the spirit. Only two of the four have been promised to me, but I can't help but feel optimistic about the other two as if they had been promised to me as well. That sad truth is, I am so impatient that I'd rather suffer than wait on the good things that are sure to come to me...

Rather than wait on a good man, I continue to waste my time and worth with men who are beneath me! Drug dealers, cheaters, dogs and such are the types of men I should be steering clear of. These are the exact types of people who will end up ruining my life. I must admit that I am quite lucky that I haven't gotten caught up yet! I am not ungrateful though- I do have enough sense to count my blessings. Though I am deeply in like (maybe even love) with Alias, he continues to shake me off. I guess he's just not that into me, lol. But honestly, I hope that he strings me along just long enough for me to get the hell out of Ohio.

It's funny, that EVEN knowing all this, if given the chance I would bow at that man's feet. But in reality I know that he is just a distraction. Yahweh created our relationship, he made me fall, he made me want this man with so much passion so that I can don't think of any other man. Yahweh set it up so that he is in Cleveland and I am stuck here. He set it up for Alias not to realize what a great woman I am. I truly believe he did all of this so that during these next six months I will be too preoccupied to get in trouble with any OTHER men. If that isn't the reason for Alias and I, I am not sooner convinced that I am Caucasian.

Either way, I just am ready for my life to make some major turns. I just want to make someone happy. I just want to be happy.

Thank Yahweh for March 18, 1974

Death by fire is my worse fear, setting Yahweh aside,
But I'd walk through fire if ever you were on the other side.
I just want to lay close to you, bury my face in your chest,
Feel the pressure of your chin on the top my head- the mist from your breathe.
Have your snoring wake me up in the middle of the night from that real deep sleep,
So I can turn over and watch you dreaming right beside me.
Because I can keep my eyes open and as long as you're there it's still a dream.
Words can not express just how much you mean...
Words can not express how deep I am, that's why I never say, "I love you."
Those words do no justice for what I feel for you.
Everything I say is so sincere, ask the Bailiff if I've been sworn,
Even if it ends bless the day I met you- bless the day you were born.

~Alias

Too Much On My Mind

A lot has gone down in this last month. Everything is on the up and up, or atleast that is the way I like to view things. I finally got my computer fixed and high speed internet for the first time in history... so hopefully I will be able to start writing in the blog with the frequency that I did 2-3 years ago.

I am starting to buckle down on what is important in life. I need to stay out of the club and limit my drinking- if not eliminate it all together. My eating habits are better now a days, but I definitely need to impliment a work out plan ASAP.

Where relationship are involved I am on the fence. I don't know whether I should run or stay for awhile. Alias is Alias as usual. Unfortunately, nothing has changed there. I know what I need to do; I need to move on. Then there is The Forgiver, I don't know what to say about him. One day we're up the next day we're down. I either need stability, or I need to move on from both of these men. I am really considering Grad. School & if I got through with it, I can not be distracted by the trivial games men tend to play. Lindsay is all work no play. I am needing to grab an internship, a job and a plan for my future.

I may never find a real relation, get married or even fall in love. I may never have babies. I am starting to realize the things that I looked forward to are not promised and the way my life is going I will not be able to depend on them happening, so I have to depend on something else; myself. There is probably never going to be a financially stable man to couple with me and make me a better woman. Most men are equally paper chasers/ gold diggers as women are now-a-days so I have to concluded that I must prepare myself for buying a home, a car and paying off these student loans by the time I am 30. I am going to have to make sure I do what is right now, while I am 25, to prepare myself for my future. Many times- I can not even even count on a man to send me a pic on the phone!

ALIas

People have aliases for many different reasons. The most obvious reason being that they're trying to hide something. I'm sad to say that I am just now realizing that the person I thought I knew, the person I feel I am falling in love with is hiding who he really is from me. I am not sure why he is doing and I am not sure why I even care anymore, but I can't help it. I can't help the calling. I can't help the intent of me driving to Cleveland. I am finding myself doing all this dumb shit and I have no justification because it seems these feelings are one sided. Hopefully he will shape up or I will fall off. I can't do this anymore.

Fools Rush In- Another Poem I Wrote

I like to think that I'm a smart girl- but, not exactly vain
Yet, I find myself doing a lot of silly things that I justify in Love's name
And I listen to John Legend everyday so I understand, "Love Me Quickly"
I guess that's why I text, "I miss you!" so much, in the hopes that you miss me
But how could you miss something you don't care about? I know, it's the sad truth
And how can I claim to love something when I don't have any proof?...
I can't plead my case, yet I'm still guilty until all is proven
And we're way pass, "Hi!" so my chances are already ruined
Somehow there are still these equations I wish you would solve
What do I have to do to make you want to get involved?
What words do I have to spit to make you want to call?
What I got to do to get in your heart is what I need to know, above all?
I don't know where it is you're going, all I know is that I want to follow
Everybody has a yesterday, but not everyone has a tomorrow
I guess that's why I have a sense of urgency- always on my toes
There could be better men- but I don't want to know
And even if I did, they wouldn't even matter
You're all I see, you're the one I'd rather...
be with. But feelings aren't mutual and it's so depressing
Still I don't want to give up and let it go- I ain't tryna turn this into a lesson
Tryna turn it into forever- you're thinking more like never- compromise for right now
I pray you could be the one to "stand still" with me for a while
I can't force you to love BUT I can hate to think of us as just friends
Guess I'm not so smart after all, because fools rush in

Alias 11-11-08

A New Poem Of Mines I'm FEELINGS!

The most dangerous thing on Earth you could do is wear your heart on your sleeve
It's like handing out loyalty in a room full of thieves
Or bringing your luxury car to the ghetto and leaving the keys... in the ignition
Once you've given your heart away, it comes back in terrible condition
People don't care anymore, so it's hard to convince them you're sincere
And it's hard to take any words spoken to you and hold them dear
So if you are that last good lover you become a hypocrite
And expect someone to put up with you when you're not willing to put up with their shit?
Getting no where fast someone throws in the towel
Unwilling to sacrifice the time it takes to learn someone, no one stays for a while
And we don't even consider the time that we've already invested
Nothing is worthy without challenge- yet we leave the first sign of being tested
If at anytime that person made an impression, there presence will always stand
It might creep out of your heart in the middle of an argument with another man
Because love is like a computer; there is always a hard drive recording
And the things you put in the trash can... pops up in the "mourning"
You can't just throw love away if it meant something to at least one of the parties
Closure will never be conceivable- it's not a gift of parting
So if you're not ready to endure pain- never accept the pleasure
Because the bad times will have you bitterly remembering the good times forever
Take care of yourself on every level that could ever matter
The future is determined by what is done now and all that counts is the latter
If you wanna play buy a video game, if you wanna pretend be an actor
But to play with someone Else's heart, then to pretend that they aren't a factor?
DANGEROUS game to play... yet and still it is not the most dangerous thing on Earth
The most dangerous thing to do is give your heart away to them first.

Written 11-11-08

Darn I've Been Gone For A While

So Lindsay's Lil' Lady (my computer) has Tourettes! I guess that partially the reason I've stayed away so long. The other factor to blame is stress! I've never been so stressed in my adult life. I mean, my hair has been falling out, skipping periods... just the weirdest shit ever. But, things are on their way back up.... I hope. Well, I am in this damn computer lab and I have to pee SOOOOOO bad, so this will have to be a little short, but I am am going to add a couple of poems I wrote...

Sitting Here Thinking

Ice VIP 8-31-08

I have absolutely nothing to do. I guess that means that I should be writing, but I have no inspiration. School has been out for two weeks and I have a little over 3 weeks before autumn quarter starts, but I've been super idle. Well, I have picked up a few books. Just last week I read "Leslie," "Sweet St. Louis," (which made me think of Bradley) and "The Last Street Novel." But I am still super bored (no offense to Mr. Tyree).

Upside down at Ice 8-31-08

I went out a couple of time this last weekend. The first night was a bust, but the second night was eventful. I have been pursuing this guy I've seen out over the last year or so. I always thought he was nice looks and he seems to be my type, but I never thought to ask him out. Anyhow, Sala and I went to Bon Vie a few weeks ago and after we finished eating, we did a little window shopping around Easton. When we came out of Aldo, I saw him. I immediately told her to peep him and he smiled at us as we walked past one another. Sala then told me that I should ask for his number if we ran into him again while in the mall- which of course we did... but I punked. From that night I decided that I wasn't going to go out until First Fridays this coming weekend because I knew he was going to be there. I didn't stick to my word because there were a ton of White Parties going on for Labor Day and you know how I feel about wearing white. I went to Cove Saturday (though Sala and I never made it in) and Ice & Cove... I mean ICON on Saturday. Sunday night went pretty good because AJ let Allaina and I skip the line at Ice but once we got inside we were damn near the only ones there. We asked if we could come back and went to Icon. When we got to Icon my Samuel happened to be sitting outside and he let us in for free. We stayed there shortly and went back to Ice.

In my apt. 8-30-08

I saw quite a few Delphi-ites at Ice. Darry (whom I actually spoke to AND hugged, lol), along with Trent, Daniel and EVEN Quanus. Allaina and I sneaked into the CLOSED front VIP section so that we could take some pretty pics. After an hour of sheer boredom we went decided to hit Icon again. This time it wasn't so easy getting back in b/c Sam left and Wali was no where to be found... but the ever so friendly bouncers let us back in after we chatter for 5 minutes or so. As soon as I walked in I saw him.

Allaina & I Ice VIP 8-31-08

After shenaniganning around for about 30 mins I finally mustered up the guts to approach him. I introduced myself and was about 2 questions in (his name is Shawn and he is 30) when I realized he had a slight accent, so I asked where he is from. He immediately put up his fist and said, "The mother land..." but I think he then read the disgust on my face. I know it is really wrong and racist, but anyone who knows me well know I don't fuck with the Africans. I was so fricking disappointed. Weeks of swooning over this guys went down the drain in vain in 30 seconds flat. I did get his number just for shits and giggles (as Reese would say), but I am not sure what I am going to do.

Mister Nice Guy & I walking outside of Icon

Last night I finally talked to Sala last night and told her how I FINALLY saw her... but then I had to break the news to her. When I said, he is African the pitch of her laughter almost deafened me! We both share the same views on African men (after crazy experiences), but she told me I should give it a chance.

Under the pic I painted

So, now that I am sitting in my apartment alone I am starting to think, why am I passing up (what could be) a good man because of where his mother birthed him? So... maybe I will give it a try and call him a little later... you never know.

Healing

I talked to Erin after class on Wednesday. I told her that I thought I would feel better after Mook's funeral, but I feel worse. She told me to take it easy and explained that I probably just need some time to heal. It's funny that one can get burned, cut, or injured physically and recognize that it will take time to get better But then when confronted with spiritual ailments it is so easy to forget that healing applies there as well. Emotional bruises run deep, so it is only natural that I am still hurting.

These last couple of years has taught we so much about life. The things we do while we are here will determine the things we are privileged to when we leave this Earth. There is no physical thing that is worth the loss of a soul. I am trying real hard to let go of the negativity in my past. If someone hurt me, it was Yahweh putting them up to it, so instead of bitching about what they had no control of, I am starting to search for a meaning in my pain. What is it that Yahweh wants me to see?

I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night and out of the blue he tells me that Charger It To The Game to him to tell me, "hi." That shocked me. It is as if he is taunting me. When I write him an e-mail, he doesn't reply. When I requested him on Facebook and Myspace he didn't acknowledge me. Once he finds that I am still keeping in tough with a friend that he is keeping in touch with also, he decides to play telephone and send me a message? I am not sure what was behind that, but I am starting to realize that maybe he was never my friend. Those 14 years that I fought so hard over for the last 7 years were not what I thought they were. He, so easily walked away from a friendship with a person who held him in the highest esteem... that simply means he didn't need our friendship. I needed his. It feels so good to use past tense. Nothing is forever, no matter how hard I try to convince myself. It hurt me so much when he walked out of my life but I can finally say, I am healing. I won't lie and say that he is completely out of my system, but I do realize that maybe all of which I thought I knew about him is a lie. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step.

Whatever I have to sacrifice to have self worth... I am welling to let it go. They say, "Go hard or go home." Well, I go hard and I love harder. Nothing else matters in my life right now aside from the ones I love and the ones who really love me.

Scared...

Mook's death is making me so uneasy. A week ago, at this very moment he was still alive. I don't think I'll ever forget the phone call I received last Tuesday @ 10:30 pm telling me that he died. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep last night either. I don't know if it's because his death is so heavy on my heart or because it was the day of the funeral. Mook didn't even look like himself, he really looked DEAD- which seems like a dumb statement, but that funeral home did not do a good job on his body. It was the saddest funeral I've ever been to and I can't help but cry right now thinking about the testimony of the young boy. I remember last summer Mook telling me that he fathers a lot of children. Of course he has Malaya, but he told me how he provides for so many young brothers around his neighborhood who have never met their real fathers. When that boy got up yesterday, all he could say is, "Man, that's my dad. I mean I got a dad. My dad was in jail most of my life and that's my father but, Mook was my dad. He was a dad to us. He did everything for us and I will never have that again. Man, that's my dad!" Hearing that just broke my heart.
Anyhow, every 15 minutes I am thinking about Mook and some memory of him. I remember when he first came to Versamount's line last summer. He came around the time Jimeka was hating on me and I fell out with her and Darry. After that, Miss Val and Angel started acting funny and when Angel left our line and Mook came, Miss Val asked to switch places on the line so that she didn't have to work next to me... and at the time I was pissed, but if she hadn't have done that, I would have never gotten the chance to know Mook. I remember the first real conversation we had. Everyone was wondering about the scare on his hairline, but no one (except me) was bold enough to ask him. He then told me that he'd been shot in the head and he went on to tell me the whole crazy story. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I remember Mook's first week he wore nothing but Dickies, so behind his back I gave him the nicknames "Yay E Yay, " and "West Siiiiide!" Sala, Baron and I would clown his Dickies on the low. It wasn't until the day he was laid off after we'd all exchanged hugs and numbers that he walked off and screamed back at us, "West Siiiide!" We hadn't realized but, the whole time he knew we were talking about him. We all look at each other and busted out in laughter.
I remember talking about Chipotle; what we take on our burritos and how frequently we ate there. Mook told Sala and I about one time when he ate two burritos in one day (which I can not fathom because I can barely eat one burrito without feeling the urge to vomit). I remember Mook and Baron teaming up on me all the time, and one time in particular they argued to the death that Beyonce was not the leading lady in Case's video for Happily Ever After. I bet the both of them... I youtubed the video that same night and recorded it on my camera phone. I will never forget the look on Mook's face when he lost the bet and had to buy me BW3 for lunch... and Baron bought me Grinders the next day, lol.

I keep thinking about him asking for advice about the situation with his jump off being pregnant. He told me about how the jump off enrolled her son in the same daycare Malaya is in and that's how his wifey found out about the pregnancy. And unlike most men I know, he made the comment that he still had love for the girl and that he is really close with her 3 years old son. He even said, "I mean, I seriously doubt the baby is mine, but I will give her money to take care of it regardless." That showed how much of a stand up guy he was. He also confessed that is was stupid of him to cheat on his girl and that he loved her and had plans to marry her soon. I keep thinking about how he was supposed to come over for dinner once we found out we shared a love for Margarita Pizza. I also remember his second day when he didn't being his lunch and I shared the chili Erin made with him. I remember him telling me about his old school and other cars, the way he"stepped out" when he rarely hit the club.

Mook's funeral really was crazy. I have never seen so many grown men crying... many of which I know (it's a small world). Me and Sala were so confused when the funeral procession drove WAY from the far east side to Brittany Hills neighborhood. That was some straight Notorious BIG stuff how they drove the hearse through Mook's hood one more time. I have never seen that done before.

Mook,

You were my wing man on the line. You were SO silly, you kept it real on a level that I have never before or since seen a Columbus nigga do. You were a wonderful father to your daughter and even bigger Dad to countless fatherless children in CO. You were a very sweet guy that did not deserve the hand he was dealt and I will never forget you. You are more than my friend, you are my brother... you are my angel. I will never forget the last time I saw you (at Ice) and I will never forget the first time I saw you (at Delphi). It was a pleasure having met your acquaintance, I love you homie.

Rest In Peace Jesse "MOOK" Lanier July 8, 1977 ~ August 19, 2008

Sick

I met Mook a year ago and I never thought I would be saying goodbye so soon. My Mook-a-licious is gone, and I'm not doing well. Today was his funeral and I thought I would feel better afterward but I feel worse. He was such a good man. I can't really concentrate right now, so I will write something more a little later.

Masochism

I e-mailed him on Myspace. I couldn't help it even though it was two weeks after the fact. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself... dragging my heart through the mud- it's been seven years.

It took him a couple days to read my message and a couple more to reply, but he did reply... out of politeness. I have to give him that much credit, he never gave me the courtesy of knowing why he ended our friendship, but over the years he has been very forth giving with the "Thanks yous." Unfortunately, there are not enough thank- yous in the world that will ever amount to what his friendship meant to me. I've been going over and over what I could have possibly done wrong and I can't figure it out. He was my air. A person who wishes to live... there is nothing they won't do to inhale.

Charge It To The Game is the reason for Maize & Blue. He is the reason for 5th Ave, Polaris, Boston, Big Time, Aby, and Alias. He is not money but he is the root of all evil... to all the things and men that have gone wrong in my life over the past 7 years. It's hard to admit, but Charge It To The Game is the reason for 1550, 50, and Cope as well. He is the first to all my seconds.

I will NEVER love another human being the way I love Charge It To The Game. There is a certain portion of my heart that will always be reserved for him... that will always beat for him... correction... that DID beat for him. When he walked out of my life, a part of me died. They say, "You don't know a good thing 'til it's gone," but that's a lie. I knew all along. I have always known his worth... ALWAYS!

Anyhow, I am sitting here @ 1 am writing in this bullshit blog about a man who doesn't care about me at all. Ironic and funnily, he still means the world to me. I know the outcome of every e-mail, every friend request... every everything, yet- I keep trying. Why? I am crazy I guess. Self infliction is the worse pain.

The Takeover

As I did a bit of deep thinking yesterday afternoon, I realized that I do not have control over my life. I am always wondering what my mother would say if she found out I did this, or what kind of car should I buy so that my father will approve. It's a bit exhausting. I am an adult and I finally need to move forward in the direction I want to take me life.

As of late I have also been thinking about the men in my life both past and present... and more than anyone I am thinking of the men who would never give me a chance. Right now, I want to do whatever I have to do to make sure that they look back in regret.

I let Alias go. I am starting to think the whole relationship with him was a waste of my time. It's funny how blind one can be when they are in the midst of something. You don't recognize when someone is playing you for a fool. Being naive is the worse state to be in... or maybe it's a close second to denial. Here lately it seems like I have been going through both. Leading MYSELF on! But I promise, I will never do this to myself again. I'd rather be alone than to go through heart break again. It's imperative for my to focus right now anyhow.

Kicking bad habit it ALL I'm about right now. Bad eating habits and bad habits when it comes to men. I never date men who are out of my league, I date men who are attainable. I need to find someone is so big, so great that he could takeover the world, or at least take over my heart and make me believe again after all the bullshit I've been through...

Conscious

As I sit here on a lonely Friday night drinking Chocolate Martini #3, I wonder why I am not tipsy yet? I am so conscious of my surroundings. I just had one of the most stimulating conversations of my life with friend and great intellectual Wali. He, as am I, is poet and aspiring writer. We spoke a lot about consistency where writing is concerned and I realized that I haven't written in this blog in nearly a month- so here it goes.

Not much had been going on, just school and the inevitable job search I knew was coming. Unemployment has yet to file an extension on my funds and Delphi's TRA program denied me, so I am left to... WORK! I have an interview with Citi Card on Tuesday night, which might turn out to be for the best. No one likes a sitting duck, so maybe getting a job is the best thing for me to do at this point.

The occurrences of this week passed is making me realize that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is left to chance. Yahweh has a predetermined plan that is playing our right in front of our eyes- whether we acknowledge it or not! Lisa played me out on Friday- for the millionth and last time! I finally realize that dirty individuals have no place in my life. We were supposed to go to Donte Whitner's birthday bash in Cleveland, which I had to pull strings to get us into, then the bitch cancels on my like she always does. It's not even the fact that she cancelled on me, but it's the fact that she made up a bogus lie about having a flat tire. Be a woman, it's not that hard! Faking your whole like is not healthy! Lisa is a cool person, don't get me wrong, but I am starting to realize that I can not expect a person to have respect for me when they don't even have respect for them self. Honestly, I don't have respect for her at all, so how could I possibly be so self absorbed to think she would give me the courtesy? She is a 24 year old girl. She is a mother by default and stays with a niggas who blatantly disrespects her and cares nothing about her. She claims to have so much love for her son, yet, every chance she gets she is at the club?!?! Don't misunderstand, I can't judge her by any means- I just now realize that people will only be what Yahweh made them to be. If a person has never had a real friend, if a person has never experienced real love... how can we ask that of them?

By missing out on Donte's party I ended up going out Friday night to see Sam at the bar. I think that he has feelings for me, but it also seems like he is so stuck on not moving forward that we will never get past the proverbial hi- drink- bye denominator. It kind of sucks because he is a really handsome business minded individual who I think could teach me a lot, and in turn- I know I could show him new things. But, what's meant to be will be.

Another result of me not being in Cleveland on Friday meant that I was in Columbus on Saturday and available to go out on the town. What's funny about my recent hiatus from this Blogger is the fact that I have forgotten many of my blog "code names." Anyhow, I was so thirsty to go out Saturday night, but no one was down. But after Erin left from having dinner at my apartment, I wound down with my bootleg Sex and The City The Movie DVD and Mykl called. He said he could get us in at the Mid Month Mixer, so I promptly hopped in the shower and went to his house. He, Donny and I arrived a little after one, and I had what I will describe as the time of my life. Last Thursday I did a random visit to a White salon and got my hair cut and dyed, and I had on my favorite pair of Betsey Johnson's, so I was good to go. I saw a lot of old familiar faces, one of which I still hold dear to my heart...

Well, I know he has a blog code name which I have since forgotten, so he is therefore going to remain nameless. Since leaving home in 2001 I always have this sense of displacement... For instance, I will see someone is Cleveland that looks just like someone I know from Columbus or vice versa. Anyhow, I decided to break free from Mykl and Donny and went solo. As I walked through Karma I looked up, and saw his face... that beautiful face. With my new hair cut he obviously did not recognize me, but neither did I him. I initially thought to myself, "he looks just like _ _ _ _ _!" But then I rationalized, "he is in Cleveland," but as I looked closer, it was HIM :-) HIM! So, I approached his table, we hugged, and I decided to keep it moving. Why cry over spilled milk? He never would give me a chance anyway!

Well, after the night was over and the club scene was filing out, again, we ran into one another. We conversed for a hot second, but our conversation was interrupted when he was involved in a little altercation- so the talk ended. He seemed so interested, but I think it was the Goose. Why are men so forward with their feelings when liquor is factored into the situation? Sheesh, I am on Chocolate Martini #4 and my feelings have never been so lucid. Not just by the fact that I've been snapped back into reality by the sounds of my neighbor getting beat up by her boyfriend, but just in general I am still so conscious about what I feel.

I feel alone. There is never anyone to talk to. I feel elated that I have made it this far in life without a major break down. I feel grateful that Yahweh has kept me in the midst of it all. I am so conscious of my feelings. I feel heartbroken, because once again I prematurely gave my heart to a man, Alias, who does not give a damn about me... just like Charge It To The Game, just like Big Time, just like Aby, just like Polaris, just like... THEM ALL. Fake friends are worse than real enemies. I just want to be happy. No, that is a lie! I want to be happy and be conscious of the fact that I am happy. Sometimes, you feel a way and you aren't aware of it until it's passed. I want to know, I want to know now!

Uncertainty

It's crazy when you're so certain about what feelings you have for a person, but then what they feel is so frickin' vague. This shit is driving me crazy! I am just walking the line on uncertain grounds. But it feels good to have feelings for someone again.

Love Is Crazy

I've never been IN love. I have loved really deeply and at times, too hard, but I can never remember being IN actual love... I kind of think that's what is missing from my life. A real companion; someone who has struck a feeling in me that is foreign... an untapped resource. The state of being IN!

I'm sitting here in my apartment alone. The only phone calls I received today were about business; not ONE personal phone call- not ONE personal text! My day consisted of going to class and leaving the house only once more for food. I'd say my life is becoming tragic. Even so, I could have received a million calls and texts. but if they weren't from the one man I'm thinking of, I would have felt just the same. It's starting to make me wonder if I am indeed IN love?

In previous posts I refrained from giving this man an official code name, but I am pretty sure he is concrete in my life right now, so I will... Alias.

The first time I went to visit Alias, the first thought that came to my mind is I'm never coming to see him again. In the light of day, he looked old and ummmm unattractive. But now, he is so beautiful to me. I really don't see how I couldn't recognize how cute he was before. Even his flaws, they're like- the best part of him. And the rest of his is wonderful as well. His skin. His smile. His walk. They're all amazing. And for all who know me slightly, I HATE KISSING, but his lips changed me. His conversation- he actually talks about himself, he's not all super secretive, I don't have to beat him to uncover information, when I ask, he tells. I am not going to lie and say that he offers up every detail on a platter, but he's never made me feel like I was being a FBI agent.

A week after I met him, he came to visit me down in Columbus. When I asked Romero (a fool I have known damn near my ENTIRE life) to visit, it was like I had to beg, it was like he was doing me a favor, but Alias called ME! He suggested coming to see ME! He came to be with ME! There was nothing else. We saw a movie, we ate and we laid- and the next morning, I didn't want to see him go. And the next night, I didn't want to change my sheets the way I usually do when someone other than me has slept in my bed. Though he was gone, I wanted his scent to stay with me. The week after next I saw him again and I couldn't hold my feelings back, but he hasn't called since!

Love is crazy like that.... when you play ALL your cards right... it reneges.

I've Been Doing Some DEEP Thinking Lately

Most men are crazy, and those that aren't are borderline. There were time when I didn't know what to expect from a man, but now they have become so predictable! I know that they are shitting and there is only a matter of time before they flip out. For me, it's always somewhere around when I deny them sex. Every nigga claims to be different but they are ALL the same, if things don't go their way- they bail. It doesn't matter if they're a number on draft pick in the NBA or balding with a missing eye! Every dude has the same thing on his mind.

As I get older (and wiser- thank Yahweh), I am starting to sift through these same niggas who use to plague me. Now that I know what is going to happen, I can "wait for it!" Now that I have gotten to the point that I am finally immune to all this restless bullshit, men are coming out of the wood work. I use to go out with the sole purpose of meeting someone or running into someone (A.M.), but I got past that. Now, I have just been chilling with my family, a lot. When I am not doing that, I've been hanging around close friends. Now when I am at a concert with my sisters or shooting pool with my Kumar, men want to step up to the plate... and I am so over it!

Anyhow, I am not on any pessimist shit, but I am so done with BULL shit!

It's Been A While

I haven't written in this blog for weeks. Why? A little bit of Writer's Block is a big contribution. Recently I've been hit with surprising information. A former close friend from college had a baby and got married last week. Even though we've only been on "hi" bye" terms for the past two years, it seems so weird that I knew nothing about the pregnancy. I can remember nights spent in the dorms talking about the day when we would have kids and get married; now she has that.

Lately, I am trying to get focused on my career and my life. I want to get rid of a lot of baggage I've picked up in the last 8 yrs. I want to have the same carefree attitude I had back in high school... things were so simple then, and they are JUST as simple now, I just seem to find a way to complicate things.

I don't have a lot to say in this post, I think I have too much on my mind and I need to sort through it up there first. Maybe next time around I'll have something more uplifting to talk about- or atleast more sound.

New Friends, THE 30 Somethings

I have been tying a lot of loose ends lately. Ridding myself of fake friends and even making some new friends (that I hope I won't have to cut off anytime soon). Most of this started 2 weeks ago when Kumar and I went out to a pool hall to shoot the breeze. While Ku was racking up, I ventured off to get us another round of drinks and order of wings. While waiting on an infamous "White Russian" I sparked up conversation with a guy at the bar. That resulted in Kumar and I leaving "Jillian's" and tagging around town after my new friend. He got Kumar into a couple of strip clubs and bought him a lap dance so he could be distracted enough to have me one on one. I must say that ghetto strip clubs on St. Clair are usually not my cup of tea, but good times arose. We actually traded a lot of information, but I decided to call it quits for the night when he attempted to kiss me on the lips :-/ lol. On the way home (I let Kumar drive, against my better judgement) a guy stopped to us in at a red light started blowing me kisses. Seeing that I am a sucker for nice cars, and he was sitting on a nasty Charger, I had to oblige him! He has turned out to be a pretty cool guy.

Needless to say, I felt like I hit the jack pot when I met both of these guys. My friend from Jillian's was in a Lexus and had on pretty nice jewels, so I know he isn't starving. This past weekend when I went back to Cleveland for mother's day, we linked up again. This time he was sitting on an '08 Escalade, which made me smile.... until he put on a porno while I was sitting there talking to him. That was the most disrespectful shit EVER! I didn't trip though, I just kindly got out the truck and walked to my car. He later called me asking why I was upset... I told him that a 35 year old man should know why I was upset & if he needed to ask the question- he obviously can' t handle a woman like me!

After the eventful Friday night I decided to see what my St. Clair cutey was up to. He immediately informed me (via text) that it was his 34th birthday. Then, much to my surprise... he asked me if I wanted to GET A ROOM! lol, men in Cleveland are a better bread than any I know, but -all in the same breath, they are straight forward fools. Again I didn't trip, I just told him I wasn't interested and he apologized. Both of these fool hit me on Saturday, but I was more concerned with LE BRON @ The House of Blues, so I me Saturday night was already booked.

Saturday morning I ended up going to Beachwood to see if I could spend the gift certificate I received for my birthday last week. The mall was packed-ola! I started running into familiar faces left and right. First there was Anthony "Boo" Jones, a boy I was very much "in like" with for the better half of my high school era. Seems that a cute young boy turned into a fine young man. We traded a few pleasantries, but not our info. Ironically today is his 24th, I wish I could have remembered then... I then ran into a man who use to shop in Next when I worked there. Unfortunately he was there with his girl, so I couldn't stalk him the way I wanted to. I'm thinking he is about 36 by now, but he still didn't have a ring on his finger and neither did the girl who accompanied him :-)

After no luck at Arden B, I grabbed a bite and decided to hit Richmond so I could find my mom a gift. As I preceded to leave the parking lot I notice a BEAUTIFUL BENZ with some BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN tailing me. Of course I automatically remember them from when they were checking me out inside the mall, but I played the role. It is my belief that the really followed me out, because when I went to turned off of Cedar onto Richmond Rd. I promise he made the most awkward change of lanes. Anywho, he caught me at a red light and we exchanged numbers :-) we had a quick phone conversation and that was that. I went to Richmond and found my mommy some flyy earrings.

The House of Blues was the sheezy. Talon and I paid way too much to get in, but my only connect (Steph Floss) showed me no love. I immediately ran into "Shorty Doo Wop" as Talon likes to call him, lol. Then, for the second time in on afternoon I ran into Boo again. He kept giving me the cutest stares all night... he even ran his fingers throw my hair a couple times! Good shit. I saw LeBrizzle James and immediately considered tackling his ass, but used my better judgement. The night was wonderful!

After 3 Long Islands Saturday night, it was a bitch getting up Sunday morning. After I got out of bible school I had a voice message from Mr Benz... who will most likely become a staple on this blog- so a code name is soon to come. Anywho, I went out to his home- which is on "Big Time" level... SIDENOTE, I miss "Big Time" but fuck it, he was dope money Mr Benz is legit. I chilled with him for a few hours, we watched "Happy Feet" and talked. He is 33 and has 3 daughters 2, 4, and 8(not sure how many baby mamas though). I use to feel funny about men with children, but in my recent wisdom I am finding that it's not the kids that mess up the relationship, but the exs. All and all it was a nice visit. He is super down to Earth and seems to have his business together, oh and did I forget to mention that he just might be rolling in the dough. None of that really mattered after he said he would visit me here. It could all be game, but I hate men that act like they can't travel. "Shorty Doo Wop" acted like he was doing me a favor by coming from Cleveland to Columbus to be with me. There is nothing more refreshing than a man who has no limits. It has nothing to do with the money because "Big Time" would much rather send me a plane ticket then come visit me in my own element. 30 something men is apparently my new thing. The first two I met kinda ended up being a bust, but 3 is a charm! I was a countdown Dre 35, Ray 34 no this 33 year old stunner! Lol. Hopefully this is better than my experiences with these 20 something jerks!