When it rains, it pours!

Right now, I am just trying to get a handle on life, but everytime I think I've made a little progression- everything falls apart. When I get up- more problems are added to my list. I guess, this is just at a point in my life when everything that I use to be able to count on, is not there anymore. All my constants are washed away. I have definitely hit rock bottom. I keep telling myself that 2007 will finally be the year that I won't look back in regret. But the way I am going, I am not sure that its possible- shit, it's already April, 2006 is a third gone!

I am putting alot of effort into being happy, but I am way too drained. I have given people way too much of me. I am just really realizing how much of a friend I have been to people who have not been there for me in the slightest, like... making two hour trips then sitting in an abortion clinic for five hours only to drive another two hours back to CO- but when all I need is for a person to lend an ear, I get sent to voicemail? I am just sick and tired of being there for people when they are not there for me, ever! I don't care if what comforts you is sitting on a couch talking to the weeeee hours of the morning or going to open gym, if that's what you needed me to do, I was always there!

What people need to realize is that no one is the same, everyone greives differently & everyone handles their depression differently. LINDSAY likes to go out when she is upset. So, if I ask you to go to the fucking club, you do it, because you are my friend, and you don't want to see me hurting.... plain & simply! I do not need your suggestions, i.e. "Why don't we just play some games?", "Do you want to just go to BlockBusters instead?", or even "Let's just cook & talk."... No BITCH! I know how to handle my pain. When you wanted to have the abortion- did I say, "Why don't you have the baby?", "Why don't you just get the DNA test?" No, I didn't! I didn't judge you- I supported your decisions. I was there for you!

Out of everything I am going through right now, the last thing I need is to lose support from people I thought I could count on. I just don't understand why people can not be there for me the way I have ALWAYS been there for them!

I am just having difficulty living right now!