I talked to Erin after class on Wednesday. I told her that I thought I would feel better after Mook's funeral, but I feel worse. She told me to take it easy and explained that I probably just need some time to heal. It's funny that one can get burned, cut, or injured physically and recognize that it will take time to get better But then when confronted with spiritual ailments it is so easy to forget that healing applies there as well. Emotional bruises run deep, so it is only natural that I am still hurting.
These last couple of years has taught we so much about life. The things we do while we are here will determine the things we are privileged to when we leave this Earth. There is no physical thing that is worth the loss of a soul. I am trying real hard to let go of the negativity in my past. If someone hurt me, it was Yahweh putting them up to it, so instead of bitching about what they had no control of, I am starting to search for a meaning in my pain. What is it that Yahweh wants me to see?
I was talking to an old friend from high school the other night and out of the blue he tells me that Charger It To The Game to him to tell me, "hi." That shocked me. It is as if he is taunting me. When I write him an e-mail, he doesn't reply. When I requested him on Facebook and Myspace he didn't acknowledge me. Once he finds that I am still keeping in tough with a friend that he is keeping in touch with also, he decides to play telephone and send me a message? I am not sure what was behind that, but I am starting to realize that maybe he was never my friend. Those 14 years that I fought so hard over for the last 7 years were not what I thought they were. He, so easily walked away from a friendship with a person who held him in the highest esteem... that simply means he didn't need our friendship. I needed his. It feels so good to use past tense. Nothing is forever, no matter how hard I try to convince myself. It hurt me so much when he walked out of my life but I can finally say, I am healing. I won't lie and say that he is completely out of my system, but I do realize that maybe all of which I thought I knew about him is a lie. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step.
Whatever I have to sacrifice to have self worth... I am welling to let it go. They say, "Go hard or go home." Well, I go hard and I love harder. Nothing else matters in my life right now aside from the ones I love and the ones who really love me.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Scared...
Mook's death is making me so uneasy. A week ago, at this very moment he was still alive. I don't think I'll ever forget the phone call I received last Tuesday @ 10:30 pm telling me that he died. I didn't sleep that night. I didn't sleep last night either. I don't know if it's because his death is so heavy on my heart or because it was the day of the funeral. Mook didn't even look like himself, he really looked DEAD- which seems like a dumb statement, but that funeral home did not do a good job on his body. It was the saddest funeral I've ever been to and I can't help but cry right now thinking about the testimony of the young boy. I remember last summer Mook telling me that he fathers a lot of children. Of course he has Malaya, but he told me how he provides for so many young brothers around his neighborhood who have never met their real fathers. When that boy got up yesterday, all he could say is, "Man, that's my dad. I mean I got a dad. My dad was in jail most of my life and that's my father but, Mook was my dad. He was a dad to us. He did everything for us and I will never have that again. Man, that's my dad!" Hearing that just broke my heart.
Anyhow, every 15 minutes I am thinking about Mook and some memory of him. I remember when he first came to Versamount's line last summer. He came around the time Jimeka was hating on me and I fell out with her and Darry. After that, Miss Val and Angel started acting funny and when Angel left our line and Mook came, Miss Val asked to switch places on the line so that she didn't have to work next to me... and at the time I was pissed, but if she hadn't have done that, I would have never gotten the chance to know Mook. I remember the first real conversation we had. Everyone was wondering about the scare on his hairline, but no one (except me) was bold enough to ask him. He then told me that he'd been shot in the head and he went on to tell me the whole crazy story. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I remember Mook's first week he wore nothing but Dickies, so behind his back I gave him the nicknames "Yay E Yay, " and "West Siiiiide!" Sala, Baron and I would clown his Dickies on the low. It wasn't until the day he was laid off after we'd all exchanged hugs and numbers that he walked off and screamed back at us, "West Siiiide!" We hadn't realized but, the whole time he knew we were talking about him. We all look at each other and busted out in laughter.
I remember talking about Chipotle; what we take on our burritos and how frequently we ate there. Mook told Sala and I about one time when he ate two burritos in one day (which I can not fathom because I can barely eat one burrito without feeling the urge to vomit). I remember Mook and Baron teaming up on me all the time, and one time in particular they argued to the death that Beyonce was not the leading lady in Case's video for Happily Ever After. I bet the both of them... I youtubed the video that same night and recorded it on my camera phone. I will never forget the look on Mook's face when he lost the bet and had to buy me BW3 for lunch... and Baron bought me Grinders the next day, lol.I keep thinking about him asking for advice about the situation with his jump off being pregnant. He told me about how the jump off enrolled her son in the same daycare Malaya is in and that's how his wifey found out about the pregnancy. And unlike most men I know, he made the comment that he still had love for the girl and that he is really close with her 3 years old son. He even said, "I mean, I seriously doubt the baby is mine, but I will give her money to take care of it regardless." That showed how much of a stand up guy he was. He also confessed that is was stupid of him to cheat on his girl and that he loved her and had plans to marry her soon. I keep thinking about how he was supposed to come over for dinner once we found out we shared a love for Margarita Pizza. I also remember his second day when he didn't being his lunch and I shared the chili Erin made with him. I remember him telling me about his old school and other cars, the way he"stepped out" when he rarely hit the club.
Mook's funeral really was crazy. I have never seen so many grown men crying... many of which I know (it's a small world). Me and Sala were so confused when the funeral procession drove WAY from the far east side to Brittany Hills neighborhood. That was some straight Notorious BIG stuff how they drove the hearse through Mook's hood one more time. I have never seen that done before.
Mook,
You were my wing man on the line. You were SO silly, you kept it real on a level that I have never before or since seen a Columbus nigga do. You were a wonderful father to your daughter and even bigger Dad to countless fatherless children in CO. You were a very sweet guy that did not deserve the hand he was dealt and I will never forget you. You are more than my friend, you are my brother... you are my angel. I will never forget the last time I saw you (at Ice) and I will never forget the first time I saw you (at Delphi). It was a pleasure having met your acquaintance, I love you homie.
Rest In Peace Jesse "MOOK" Lanier July 8, 1977 ~ August 19, 2008 Monday, August 25, 2008
Sick
I met Mook a year ago and I never thought I would be saying goodbye so soon. My Mook-a-licious is gone, and I'm not doing well. Today was his funeral and I thought I would feel better afterward but I feel worse. He was such a good man. I can't really concentrate right now, so I will write something more a little later.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Masochism
I e-mailed him on Myspace. I couldn't help it even though it was two weeks after the fact. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself... dragging my heart through the mud- it's been seven years.
It took him a couple days to read my message and a couple more to reply, but he did reply... out of politeness. I have to give him that much credit, he never gave me the courtesy of knowing why he ended our friendship, but over the years he has been very forth giving with the "Thanks yous." Unfortunately, there are not enough thank- yous in the world that will ever amount to what his friendship meant to me. I've been going over and over what I could have possibly done wrong and I can't figure it out. He was my air. A person who wishes to live... there is nothing they won't do to inhale.
Charge It To The Game is the reason for Maize & Blue. He is the reason for 5th Ave, Polaris, Boston, Big Time, Aby, and Alias. He is not money but he is the root of all evil... to all the things and men that have gone wrong in my life over the past 7 years. It's hard to admit, but Charge It To The Game is the reason for 1550, 50, and Cope as well. He is the first to all my seconds.
I will NEVER love another human being the way I love Charge It To The Game. There is a certain portion of my heart that will always be reserved for him... that will always beat for him... correction... that DID beat for him. When he walked out of my life, a part of me died. They say, "You don't know a good thing 'til it's gone," but that's a lie. I knew all along. I have always known his worth... ALWAYS!
Anyhow, I am sitting here @ 1 am writing in this bullshit blog about a man who doesn't care about me at all. Ironic and funnily, he still means the world to me. I know the outcome of every e-mail, every friend request... every everything, yet- I keep trying. Why? I am crazy I guess. Self infliction is the worse pain.
It took him a couple days to read my message and a couple more to reply, but he did reply... out of politeness. I have to give him that much credit, he never gave me the courtesy of knowing why he ended our friendship, but over the years he has been very forth giving with the "Thanks yous." Unfortunately, there are not enough thank- yous in the world that will ever amount to what his friendship meant to me. I've been going over and over what I could have possibly done wrong and I can't figure it out. He was my air. A person who wishes to live... there is nothing they won't do to inhale.
Charge It To The Game is the reason for Maize & Blue. He is the reason for 5th Ave, Polaris, Boston, Big Time, Aby, and Alias. He is not money but he is the root of all evil... to all the things and men that have gone wrong in my life over the past 7 years. It's hard to admit, but Charge It To The Game is the reason for 1550, 50, and Cope as well. He is the first to all my seconds.
I will NEVER love another human being the way I love Charge It To The Game. There is a certain portion of my heart that will always be reserved for him... that will always beat for him... correction... that DID beat for him. When he walked out of my life, a part of me died. They say, "You don't know a good thing 'til it's gone," but that's a lie. I knew all along. I have always known his worth... ALWAYS!
Anyhow, I am sitting here @ 1 am writing in this bullshit blog about a man who doesn't care about me at all. Ironic and funnily, he still means the world to me. I know the outcome of every e-mail, every friend request... every everything, yet- I keep trying. Why? I am crazy I guess. Self infliction is the worse pain.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Takeover
As I did a bit of deep thinking yesterday afternoon, I realized that I do not have control over my life. I am always wondering what my mother would say if she found out I did this, or what kind of car should I buy so that my father will approve. It's a bit exhausting. I am an adult and I finally need to move forward in the direction I want to take me life.
As of late I have also been thinking about the men in my life both past and present... and more than anyone I am thinking of the men who would never give me a chance. Right now, I want to do whatever I have to do to make sure that they look back in regret.
I let Alias go. I am starting to think the whole relationship with him was a waste of my time. It's funny how blind one can be when they are in the midst of something. You don't recognize when someone is playing you for a fool. Being naive is the worse state to be in... or maybe it's a close second to denial. Here lately it seems like I have been going through both. Leading MYSELF on! But I promise, I will never do this to myself again. I'd rather be alone than to go through heart break again. It's imperative for my to focus right now anyhow.
Kicking bad habit it ALL I'm about right now. Bad eating habits and bad habits when it comes to men. I never date men who are out of my league, I date men who are attainable. I need to find someone is so big, so great that he could takeover the world, or at least take over my heart and make me believe again after all the bullshit I've been through...
As of late I have also been thinking about the men in my life both past and present... and more than anyone I am thinking of the men who would never give me a chance. Right now, I want to do whatever I have to do to make sure that they look back in regret.
I let Alias go. I am starting to think the whole relationship with him was a waste of my time. It's funny how blind one can be when they are in the midst of something. You don't recognize when someone is playing you for a fool. Being naive is the worse state to be in... or maybe it's a close second to denial. Here lately it seems like I have been going through both. Leading MYSELF on! But I promise, I will never do this to myself again. I'd rather be alone than to go through heart break again. It's imperative for my to focus right now anyhow.
Kicking bad habit it ALL I'm about right now. Bad eating habits and bad habits when it comes to men. I never date men who are out of my league, I date men who are attainable. I need to find someone is so big, so great that he could takeover the world, or at least take over my heart and make me believe again after all the bullshit I've been through...
Friday, July 25, 2008
Conscious
As I sit here on a lonely Friday night drinking Chocolate Martini #3, I wonder why I am not tipsy yet? I am so conscious of my surroundings. I just had one of the most stimulating conversations of my life with friend and great intellectual Wali. He, as am I, is poet and aspiring writer. We spoke a lot about consistency where writing is concerned and I realized that I haven't written in this blog in nearly a month- so here it goes.
Not much had been going on, just school and the inevitable job search I knew was coming. Unemployment has yet to file an extension on my funds and Delphi's TRA program denied me, so I am left to... WORK! I have an interview with Citi Card on Tuesday night, which might turn out to be for the best. No one likes a sitting duck, so maybe getting a job is the best thing for me to do at this point.
The occurrences of this week passed is making me realize that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is left to chance. Yahweh has a predetermined plan that is playing our right in front of our eyes- whether we acknowledge it or not! Lisa played me out on Friday- for the millionth and last time! I finally realize that dirty individuals have no place in my life. We were supposed to go to Donte Whitner's birthday bash in Cleveland, which I had to pull strings to get us into, then the bitch cancels on my like she always does. It's not even the fact that she cancelled on me, but it's the fact that she made up a bogus lie about having a flat tire. Be a woman, it's not that hard! Faking your whole like is not healthy! Lisa is a cool person, don't get me wrong, but I am starting to realize that I can not expect a person to have respect for me when they don't even have respect for them self. Honestly, I don't have respect for her at all, so how could I possibly be so self absorbed to think she would give me the courtesy? She is a 24 year old girl. She is a mother by default and stays with a niggas who blatantly disrespects her and cares nothing about her. She claims to have so much love for her son, yet, every chance she gets she is at the club?!?! Don't misunderstand, I can't judge her by any means- I just now realize that people will only be what Yahweh made them to be. If a person has never had a real friend, if a person has never experienced real love... how can we ask that of them?
By missing out on Donte's party I ended up going out Friday night to see Sam at the bar. I think that he has feelings for me, but it also seems like he is so stuck on not moving forward that we will never get past the proverbial hi- drink- bye denominator. It kind of sucks because he is a really handsome business minded individual who I think could teach me a lot, and in turn- I know I could show him new things. But, what's meant to be will be.
Another result of me not being in Cleveland on Friday meant that I was in Columbus on Saturday and available to go out on the town. What's funny about my recent hiatus from this Blogger is the fact that I have forgotten many of my blog "code names." Anyhow, I was so thirsty to go out Saturday night, but no one was down. But after Erin left from having dinner at my apartment, I wound down with my bootleg Sex and The City The Movie DVD and Mykl called. He said he could get us in at the Mid Month Mixer, so I promptly hopped in the shower and went to his house. He, Donny and I arrived a little after one, and I had what I will describe as the time of my life. Last Thursday I did a random visit to a White salon and got my hair cut and dyed, and I had on my favorite pair of Betsey Johnson's, so I was good to go. I saw a lot of old familiar faces, one of which I still hold dear to my heart...
Well, I know he has a blog code name which I have since forgotten, so he is therefore going to remain nameless. Since leaving home in 2001 I always have this sense of displacement... For instance, I will see someone is Cleveland that looks just like someone I know from Columbus or vice versa. Anyhow, I decided to break free from Mykl and Donny and went solo. As I walked through Karma I looked up, and saw his face... that beautiful face. With my new hair cut he obviously did not recognize me, but neither did I him. I initially thought to myself, "he looks just like _ _ _ _ _!" But then I rationalized, "he is in Cleveland," but as I looked closer, it was HIM :-) HIM! So, I approached his table, we hugged, and I decided to keep it moving. Why cry over spilled milk? He never would give me a chance anyway!
Well, after the night was over and the club scene was filing out, again, we ran into one another. We conversed for a hot second, but our conversation was interrupted when he was involved in a little altercation- so the talk ended. He seemed so interested, but I think it was the Goose. Why are men so forward with their feelings when liquor is factored into the situation? Sheesh, I am on Chocolate Martini #4 and my feelings have never been so lucid. Not just by the fact that I've been snapped back into reality by the sounds of my neighbor getting beat up by her boyfriend, but just in general I am still so conscious about what I feel.
I feel alone. There is never anyone to talk to. I feel elated that I have made it this far in life without a major break down. I feel grateful that Yahweh has kept me in the midst of it all. I am so conscious of my feelings. I feel heartbroken, because once again I prematurely gave my heart to a man, Alias, who does not give a damn about me... just like Charge It To The Game, just like Big Time, just like Aby, just like Polaris, just like... THEM ALL. Fake friends are worse than real enemies. I just want to be happy. No, that is a lie! I want to be happy and be conscious of the fact that I am happy. Sometimes, you feel a way and you aren't aware of it until it's passed. I want to know, I want to know now!
Not much had been going on, just school and the inevitable job search I knew was coming. Unemployment has yet to file an extension on my funds and Delphi's TRA program denied me, so I am left to... WORK! I have an interview with Citi Card on Tuesday night, which might turn out to be for the best. No one likes a sitting duck, so maybe getting a job is the best thing for me to do at this point.
The occurrences of this week passed is making me realize that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is left to chance. Yahweh has a predetermined plan that is playing our right in front of our eyes- whether we acknowledge it or not! Lisa played me out on Friday- for the millionth and last time! I finally realize that dirty individuals have no place in my life. We were supposed to go to Donte Whitner's birthday bash in Cleveland, which I had to pull strings to get us into, then the bitch cancels on my like she always does. It's not even the fact that she cancelled on me, but it's the fact that she made up a bogus lie about having a flat tire. Be a woman, it's not that hard! Faking your whole like is not healthy! Lisa is a cool person, don't get me wrong, but I am starting to realize that I can not expect a person to have respect for me when they don't even have respect for them self. Honestly, I don't have respect for her at all, so how could I possibly be so self absorbed to think she would give me the courtesy? She is a 24 year old girl. She is a mother by default and stays with a niggas who blatantly disrespects her and cares nothing about her. She claims to have so much love for her son, yet, every chance she gets she is at the club?!?! Don't misunderstand, I can't judge her by any means- I just now realize that people will only be what Yahweh made them to be. If a person has never had a real friend, if a person has never experienced real love... how can we ask that of them?
By missing out on Donte's party I ended up going out Friday night to see Sam at the bar. I think that he has feelings for me, but it also seems like he is so stuck on not moving forward that we will never get past the proverbial hi- drink- bye denominator. It kind of sucks because he is a really handsome business minded individual who I think could teach me a lot, and in turn- I know I could show him new things. But, what's meant to be will be.
Another result of me not being in Cleveland on Friday meant that I was in Columbus on Saturday and available to go out on the town. What's funny about my recent hiatus from this Blogger is the fact that I have forgotten many of my blog "code names." Anyhow, I was so thirsty to go out Saturday night, but no one was down. But after Erin left from having dinner at my apartment, I wound down with my bootleg Sex and The City The Movie DVD and Mykl called. He said he could get us in at the Mid Month Mixer, so I promptly hopped in the shower and went to his house. He, Donny and I arrived a little after one, and I had what I will describe as the time of my life. Last Thursday I did a random visit to a White salon and got my hair cut and dyed, and I had on my favorite pair of Betsey Johnson's, so I was good to go. I saw a lot of old familiar faces, one of which I still hold dear to my heart...
Well, I know he has a blog code name which I have since forgotten, so he is therefore going to remain nameless. Since leaving home in 2001 I always have this sense of displacement... For instance, I will see someone is Cleveland that looks just like someone I know from Columbus or vice versa. Anyhow, I decided to break free from Mykl and Donny and went solo. As I walked through Karma I looked up, and saw his face... that beautiful face. With my new hair cut he obviously did not recognize me, but neither did I him. I initially thought to myself, "he looks just like _ _ _ _ _!" But then I rationalized, "he is in Cleveland," but as I looked closer, it was HIM :-) HIM! So, I approached his table, we hugged, and I decided to keep it moving. Why cry over spilled milk? He never would give me a chance anyway!
Well, after the night was over and the club scene was filing out, again, we ran into one another. We conversed for a hot second, but our conversation was interrupted when he was involved in a little altercation- so the talk ended. He seemed so interested, but I think it was the Goose. Why are men so forward with their feelings when liquor is factored into the situation? Sheesh, I am on Chocolate Martini #4 and my feelings have never been so lucid. Not just by the fact that I've been snapped back into reality by the sounds of my neighbor getting beat up by her boyfriend, but just in general I am still so conscious about what I feel.
I feel alone. There is never anyone to talk to. I feel elated that I have made it this far in life without a major break down. I feel grateful that Yahweh has kept me in the midst of it all. I am so conscious of my feelings. I feel heartbroken, because once again I prematurely gave my heart to a man, Alias, who does not give a damn about me... just like Charge It To The Game, just like Big Time, just like Aby, just like Polaris, just like... THEM ALL. Fake friends are worse than real enemies. I just want to be happy. No, that is a lie! I want to be happy and be conscious of the fact that I am happy. Sometimes, you feel a way and you aren't aware of it until it's passed. I want to know, I want to know now!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Uncertainty
It's crazy when you're so certain about what feelings you have for a person, but then what they feel is so frickin' vague. This shit is driving me crazy! I am just walking the line on uncertain grounds. But it feels good to have feelings for someone again.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Love Is Crazy
I've never been IN love. I have loved really deeply and at times, too hard, but I can never remember being IN actual love... I kind of think that's what is missing from my life. A real companion; someone who has struck a feeling in me that is foreign... an untapped resource. The state of being IN!
I'm sitting here in my apartment alone. The only phone calls I received today were about business; not ONE personal phone call- not ONE personal text! My day consisted of going to class and leaving the house only once more for food. I'd say my life is becoming tragic. Even so, I could have received a million calls and texts. but if they weren't from the one man I'm thinking of, I would have felt just the same. It's starting to make me wonder if I am indeed IN love?
In previous posts I refrained from giving this man an official code name, but I am pretty sure he is concrete in my life right now, so I will... Alias.
The first time I went to visit Alias, the first thought that came to my mind is I'm never coming to see him again. In the light of day, he looked old and ummmm unattractive. But now, he is so beautiful to me. I really don't see how I couldn't recognize how cute he was before. Even his flaws, they're like- the best part of him. And the rest of his is wonderful as well. His skin. His smile. His walk. They're all amazing. And for all who know me slightly, I HATE KISSING, but his lips changed me. His conversation- he actually talks about himself, he's not all super secretive, I don't have to beat him to uncover information, when I ask, he tells. I am not going to lie and say that he offers up every detail on a platter, but he's never made me feel like I was being a FBI agent.
A week after I met him, he came to visit me down in Columbus. When I asked Romero (a fool I have known damn near my ENTIRE life) to visit, it was like I had to beg, it was like he was doing me a favor, but Alias called ME! He suggested coming to see ME! He came to be with ME! There was nothing else. We saw a movie, we ate and we laid- and the next morning, I didn't want to see him go. And the next night, I didn't want to change my sheets the way I usually do when someone other than me has slept in my bed. Though he was gone, I wanted his scent to stay with me. The week after next I saw him again and I couldn't hold my feelings back, but he hasn't called since!
Love is crazy like that.... when you play ALL your cards right... it reneges.
I'm sitting here in my apartment alone. The only phone calls I received today were about business; not ONE personal phone call- not ONE personal text! My day consisted of going to class and leaving the house only once more for food. I'd say my life is becoming tragic. Even so, I could have received a million calls and texts. but if they weren't from the one man I'm thinking of, I would have felt just the same. It's starting to make me wonder if I am indeed IN love?
In previous posts I refrained from giving this man an official code name, but I am pretty sure he is concrete in my life right now, so I will... Alias.
The first time I went to visit Alias, the first thought that came to my mind is I'm never coming to see him again. In the light of day, he looked old and ummmm unattractive. But now, he is so beautiful to me. I really don't see how I couldn't recognize how cute he was before. Even his flaws, they're like- the best part of him. And the rest of his is wonderful as well. His skin. His smile. His walk. They're all amazing. And for all who know me slightly, I HATE KISSING, but his lips changed me. His conversation- he actually talks about himself, he's not all super secretive, I don't have to beat him to uncover information, when I ask, he tells. I am not going to lie and say that he offers up every detail on a platter, but he's never made me feel like I was being a FBI agent.
A week after I met him, he came to visit me down in Columbus. When I asked Romero (a fool I have known damn near my ENTIRE life) to visit, it was like I had to beg, it was like he was doing me a favor, but Alias called ME! He suggested coming to see ME! He came to be with ME! There was nothing else. We saw a movie, we ate and we laid- and the next morning, I didn't want to see him go. And the next night, I didn't want to change my sheets the way I usually do when someone other than me has slept in my bed. Though he was gone, I wanted his scent to stay with me. The week after next I saw him again and I couldn't hold my feelings back, but he hasn't called since!
Love is crazy like that.... when you play ALL your cards right... it reneges.
Monday, June 09, 2008
I've Been Doing Some DEEP Thinking Lately
Most men are crazy, and those that aren't are borderline. There were time when I didn't know what to expect from a man, but now they have become so predictable! I know that they are shitting and there is only a matter of time before they flip out. For me, it's always somewhere around when I deny them sex. Every nigga claims to be different but they are ALL the same, if things don't go their way- they bail. It doesn't matter if they're a number on draft pick in the NBA or balding with a missing eye! Every dude has the same thing on his mind.
As I get older (and wiser- thank Yahweh), I am starting to sift through these same niggas who use to plague me. Now that I know what is going to happen, I can "wait for it!" Now that I have gotten to the point that I am finally immune to all this restless bullshit, men are coming out of the wood work. I use to go out with the sole purpose of meeting someone or running into someone (A.M.), but I got past that. Now, I have just been chilling with my family, a lot. When I am not doing that, I've been hanging around close friends. Now when I am at a concert with my sisters or shooting pool with my Kumar, men want to step up to the plate... and I am so over it!
Anyhow, I am not on any pessimist shit, but I am so done with BULL shit!
As I get older (and wiser- thank Yahweh), I am starting to sift through these same niggas who use to plague me. Now that I know what is going to happen, I can "wait for it!" Now that I have gotten to the point that I am finally immune to all this restless bullshit, men are coming out of the wood work. I use to go out with the sole purpose of meeting someone or running into someone (A.M.), but I got past that. Now, I have just been chilling with my family, a lot. When I am not doing that, I've been hanging around close friends. Now when I am at a concert with my sisters or shooting pool with my Kumar, men want to step up to the plate... and I am so over it!
Anyhow, I am not on any pessimist shit, but I am so done with BULL shit!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
It's Been A While
I haven't written in this blog for weeks. Why? A little bit of Writer's Block is a big contribution. Recently I've been hit with surprising information. A former close friend from college had a baby and got married last week. Even though we've only been on "hi" bye" terms for the past two years, it seems so weird that I knew nothing about the pregnancy. I can remember nights spent in the dorms talking about the day when we would have kids and get married; now she has that.
Lately, I am trying to get focused on my career and my life. I want to get rid of a lot of baggage I've picked up in the last 8 yrs. I want to have the same carefree attitude I had back in high school... things were so simple then, and they are JUST as simple now, I just seem to find a way to complicate things.
I don't have a lot to say in this post, I think I have too much on my mind and I need to sort through it up there first. Maybe next time around I'll have something more uplifting to talk about- or atleast more sound.
Lately, I am trying to get focused on my career and my life. I want to get rid of a lot of baggage I've picked up in the last 8 yrs. I want to have the same carefree attitude I had back in high school... things were so simple then, and they are JUST as simple now, I just seem to find a way to complicate things.
I don't have a lot to say in this post, I think I have too much on my mind and I need to sort through it up there first. Maybe next time around I'll have something more uplifting to talk about- or atleast more sound.
Monday, May 12, 2008
New Friends, THE 30 Somethings
I have been tying a lot of loose ends lately. Ridding myself of fake friends and even making some new friends (that I hope I won't have to cut off anytime soon). Most of this started 2 weeks ago when Kumar and I went out to a pool hall to shoot the breeze. While Ku was racking up, I ventured off to get us another round of drinks and order of wings. While waiting on an infamous "White Russian" I sparked up conversation with a guy at the bar. That resulted in Kumar and I leaving "Jillian's" and tagging around town after my new friend. He got Kumar into a couple of strip clubs and bought him a lap dance so he could be distracted enough to have me one on one. I must say that ghetto strip clubs on St. Clair are usually not my cup of tea, but good times arose. We actually traded a lot of information, but I decided to call it quits for the night when he attempted to kiss me on the lips :-/ lol. On the way home (I let Kumar drive, against my better judgement) a guy stopped to us in at a red light started blowing me kisses. Seeing that I am a sucker for nice cars, and he was sitting on a nasty Charger, I had to oblige him! He has turned out to be a pretty cool guy.
Needless to say, I felt like I hit the jack pot when I met both of these guys. My friend from Jillian's was in a Lexus and had on pretty nice jewels, so I know he isn't starving. This past weekend when I went back to Cleveland for mother's day, we linked up again. This time he was sitting on an '08 Escalade, which made me smile.... until he put on a porno while I was sitting there talking to him. That was the most disrespectful shit EVER! I didn't trip though, I just kindly got out the truck and walked to my car. He later called me asking why I was upset... I told him that a 35 year old man should know why I was upset & if he needed to ask the question- he obviously can' t handle a woman like me!
After the eventful Friday night I decided to see what my St. Clair cutey was up to. He immediately informed me (via text) that it was his 34th birthday. Then, much to my surprise... he asked me if I wanted to GET A ROOM! lol, men in Cleveland are a better bread than any I know, but -all in the same breath, they are straight forward fools. Again I didn't trip, I just told him I wasn't interested and he apologized. Both of these fool hit me on Saturday, but I was more concerned with LE BRON @ The House of Blues, so I me Saturday night was already booked.
Saturday morning I ended up going to Beachwood to see if I could spend the gift certificate I received for my birthday last week. The mall was packed-ola! I started running into familiar faces left and right. First there was Anthony "Boo" Jones, a boy I was very much "in like" with for the better half of my high school era. Seems that a cute young boy turned into a fine young man. We traded a few pleasantries, but not our info. Ironically today is his 24th, I wish I could have remembered then... I then ran into a man who use to shop in Next when I worked there. Unfortunately he was there with his girl, so I couldn't stalk him the way I wanted to. I'm thinking he is about 36 by now, but he still didn't have a ring on his finger and neither did the girl who accompanied him :-)
After no luck at Arden B, I grabbed a bite and decided to hit Richmond so I could find my mom a gift. As I preceded to leave the parking lot I notice a BEAUTIFUL BENZ with some BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN tailing me. Of course I automatically remember them from when they were checking me out inside the mall, but I played the role. It is my belief that the really followed me out, because when I went to turned off of Cedar onto Richmond Rd. I promise he made the most awkward change of lanes. Anywho, he caught me at a red light and we exchanged numbers :-) we had a quick phone conversation and that was that. I went to Richmond and found my mommy some flyy earrings.
The House of Blues was the sheezy. Talon and I paid way too much to get in, but my only connect (Steph Floss) showed me no love. I immediately ran into "Shorty Doo Wop" as Talon likes to call him, lol. Then, for the second time in on afternoon I ran into Boo again. He kept giving me the cutest stares all night... he even ran his fingers throw my hair a couple times! Good shit. I saw LeBrizzle James and immediately considered tackling his ass, but used my better judgement. The night was wonderful!
After 3 Long Islands Saturday night, it was a bitch getting up Sunday morning. After I got out of bible school I had a voice message from Mr Benz... who will most likely become a staple on this blog- so a code name is soon to come. Anywho, I went out to his home- which is on "Big Time" level... SIDENOTE, I miss "Big Time" but fuck it, he was dope money Mr Benz is legit. I chilled with him for a few hours, we watched "Happy Feet" and talked. He is 33 and has 3 daughters 2, 4, and 8(not sure how many baby mamas though). I use to feel funny about men with children, but in my recent wisdom I am finding that it's not the kids that mess up the relationship, but the exs. All and all it was a nice visit. He is super down to Earth and seems to have his business together, oh and did I forget to mention that he just might be rolling in the dough. None of that really mattered after he said he would visit me here. It could all be game, but I hate men that act like they can't travel. "Shorty Doo Wop" acted like he was doing me a favor by coming from Cleveland to Columbus to be with me. There is nothing more refreshing than a man who has no limits. It has nothing to do with the money because "Big Time" would much rather send me a plane ticket then come visit me in my own element. 30 something men is apparently my new thing. The first two I met kinda ended up being a bust, but 3 is a charm! I was a countdown Dre 35, Ray 34 no this 33 year old stunner! Lol. Hopefully this is better than my experiences with these 20 something jerks!
Needless to say, I felt like I hit the jack pot when I met both of these guys. My friend from Jillian's was in a Lexus and had on pretty nice jewels, so I know he isn't starving. This past weekend when I went back to Cleveland for mother's day, we linked up again. This time he was sitting on an '08 Escalade, which made me smile.... until he put on a porno while I was sitting there talking to him. That was the most disrespectful shit EVER! I didn't trip though, I just kindly got out the truck and walked to my car. He later called me asking why I was upset... I told him that a 35 year old man should know why I was upset & if he needed to ask the question- he obviously can' t handle a woman like me!
After the eventful Friday night I decided to see what my St. Clair cutey was up to. He immediately informed me (via text) that it was his 34th birthday. Then, much to my surprise... he asked me if I wanted to GET A ROOM! lol, men in Cleveland are a better bread than any I know, but -all in the same breath, they are straight forward fools. Again I didn't trip, I just told him I wasn't interested and he apologized. Both of these fool hit me on Saturday, but I was more concerned with LE BRON @ The House of Blues, so I me Saturday night was already booked.
Saturday morning I ended up going to Beachwood to see if I could spend the gift certificate I received for my birthday last week. The mall was packed-ola! I started running into familiar faces left and right. First there was Anthony "Boo" Jones, a boy I was very much "in like" with for the better half of my high school era. Seems that a cute young boy turned into a fine young man. We traded a few pleasantries, but not our info. Ironically today is his 24th, I wish I could have remembered then... I then ran into a man who use to shop in Next when I worked there. Unfortunately he was there with his girl, so I couldn't stalk him the way I wanted to. I'm thinking he is about 36 by now, but he still didn't have a ring on his finger and neither did the girl who accompanied him :-)
After no luck at Arden B, I grabbed a bite and decided to hit Richmond so I could find my mom a gift. As I preceded to leave the parking lot I notice a BEAUTIFUL BENZ with some BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN tailing me. Of course I automatically remember them from when they were checking me out inside the mall, but I played the role. It is my belief that the really followed me out, because when I went to turned off of Cedar onto Richmond Rd. I promise he made the most awkward change of lanes. Anywho, he caught me at a red light and we exchanged numbers :-) we had a quick phone conversation and that was that. I went to Richmond and found my mommy some flyy earrings.
The House of Blues was the sheezy. Talon and I paid way too much to get in, but my only connect (Steph Floss) showed me no love. I immediately ran into "Shorty Doo Wop" as Talon likes to call him, lol. Then, for the second time in on afternoon I ran into Boo again. He kept giving me the cutest stares all night... he even ran his fingers throw my hair a couple times! Good shit. I saw LeBrizzle James and immediately considered tackling his ass, but used my better judgement. The night was wonderful!
After 3 Long Islands Saturday night, it was a bitch getting up Sunday morning. After I got out of bible school I had a voice message from Mr Benz... who will most likely become a staple on this blog- so a code name is soon to come. Anywho, I went out to his home- which is on "Big Time" level... SIDENOTE, I miss "Big Time" but fuck it, he was dope money Mr Benz is legit. I chilled with him for a few hours, we watched "Happy Feet" and talked. He is 33 and has 3 daughters 2, 4, and 8(not sure how many baby mamas though). I use to feel funny about men with children, but in my recent wisdom I am finding that it's not the kids that mess up the relationship, but the exs. All and all it was a nice visit. He is super down to Earth and seems to have his business together, oh and did I forget to mention that he just might be rolling in the dough. None of that really mattered after he said he would visit me here. It could all be game, but I hate men that act like they can't travel. "Shorty Doo Wop" acted like he was doing me a favor by coming from Cleveland to Columbus to be with me. There is nothing more refreshing than a man who has no limits. It has nothing to do with the money because "Big Time" would much rather send me a plane ticket then come visit me in my own element. 30 something men is apparently my new thing. The first two I met kinda ended up being a bust, but 3 is a charm! I was a countdown Dre 35, Ray 34 no this 33 year old stunner! Lol. Hopefully this is better than my experiences with these 20 something jerks!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Niggas
A negro will always be a negro. They don't change (especially over night). They offer fake apologies and tell you what you want to hear, all the while having no intention to compromise! I am disgusted in a major way. Anywho, ERASED!!! The Mint Chocolate has SOOOOO much memory space in its phone book right now! Re- up time! Fuck these weak ass CLEVELAND niggas!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Arguing
It seems that no one likes to admit they're an arguer. Recently, I had a conversation with my Heights Boy (who will now be referred to as "Pretty Brown Eye"). He basically said that he is not the type to argue with a girl. I kind of had the same discussion with Ugly Mitch last year. Any who, I just don't see how anyone can truly say they care about someone, but won't argue in order to save the relationship. I would never let a man walk away from me if I really cared about him.... at least not without a fight. And to tell the truth, I would never be with a guy who is not worth fighting for!
I guess what I am trying to say is, I want a man who thinks I'm worth fighting for. I want a man who is willing to step outside of his box and compromise. No one wants to waste time arguing. No one wants to fight... well, let me rephrase that. The war in Iraq! It's not that we're in Iraq, it's the fact that we're in Iraq for no reason. If we were in Iraq and we knew what we were fighting for, it wouldn't be an issue. But that's not the case. In a relationship, one you really care about- you don't mind fighting. I hate when men don't care to argue or make their case... but then claim they care. Those are contradictory statements.
Life can sometimes be sickening and men are not as dull as they seem. They try to come off like they're oblivious, but they play us like flutes! They don't apologize, not really. They say things like, "I'm sorry you took what I said this way." or "I'm sorry you were hurt." It's basically like saying, "Your point of view is fucked up, I'm sorry your opinion is leading you to be upset but you need to start seeing the world through my eyes, so then we won't have an issue!" It's so belittling, condescending, infuriating! I don't feed too much into things- I just see them like they are. It's over, I am just looking for someone who is into me as much as I am into them. Nothing else really matters.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I want a man who thinks I'm worth fighting for. I want a man who is willing to step outside of his box and compromise. No one wants to waste time arguing. No one wants to fight... well, let me rephrase that. The war in Iraq! It's not that we're in Iraq, it's the fact that we're in Iraq for no reason. If we were in Iraq and we knew what we were fighting for, it wouldn't be an issue. But that's not the case. In a relationship, one you really care about- you don't mind fighting. I hate when men don't care to argue or make their case... but then claim they care. Those are contradictory statements.
Life can sometimes be sickening and men are not as dull as they seem. They try to come off like they're oblivious, but they play us like flutes! They don't apologize, not really. They say things like, "I'm sorry you took what I said this way." or "I'm sorry you were hurt." It's basically like saying, "Your point of view is fucked up, I'm sorry your opinion is leading you to be upset but you need to start seeing the world through my eyes, so then we won't have an issue!" It's so belittling, condescending, infuriating! I don't feed too much into things- I just see them like they are. It's over, I am just looking for someone who is into me as much as I am into them. Nothing else really matters.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
CANCELLED
So, yea... you know your girl L.J., always waiting until the last minute to do everything. Procrastination can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. On a good day I leave for my one o'clock class around 12:30, but of course 12:30 came and left, yet I was still finishing up my homework! So I hear my text message alert go off, and of course I ignore it. Jumping up and throwing on some clothes, I head for the door. As I am approaching my car- keys in hand, I decide to check that text. THANK YAHWEH I did, because it was a chick from my class informing me that it's been CANCELLED! YAY! As I briskly walked back into my cribbo, I started to think about some things. Procrastination is generally treated as a negative trait...but what if the things we automatically and sometimes prejudicely assume have negative connotation, aren't so bad after all?
If I had a nickel for every occasion a man turned me down and I looked back in retrospect and gave praise for it, I'd be...Bill Gates! The funny thing is, sometimes we really just don't know what we want in life. We bitch over trivial things, but when the big factors occur in our lives-we don't know how to handle it. Life is so simple, it's just the fact that we're so set on making it difficult and end up wasting so much time complaining, we don't have time to stop and smell the flowers. We need to learn to let things GO! Unanswered phone call? Just say, "Fuck him!" No response to that text? Just say, "Fuck him!" Does he throw up an away message when you i.m. him? Just say, "Fuck him!" CANCEL that person out! Before you know it, he'll be the one calling-texting-iming you. And you'll be... on another broadcast channel, watching another PRIME TIME man, and all the while his show is being CANCELLED!
"Some luck lies in not getting what you want but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see it's what you would have wanted had you known."
~Garrison Keillor
If I had a nickel for every occasion a man turned me down and I looked back in retrospect and gave praise for it, I'd be...Bill Gates! The funny thing is, sometimes we really just don't know what we want in life. We bitch over trivial things, but when the big factors occur in our lives-we don't know how to handle it. Life is so simple, it's just the fact that we're so set on making it difficult and end up wasting so much time complaining, we don't have time to stop and smell the flowers. We need to learn to let things GO! Unanswered phone call? Just say, "Fuck him!" No response to that text? Just say, "Fuck him!" Does he throw up an away message when you i.m. him? Just say, "Fuck him!" CANCEL that person out! Before you know it, he'll be the one calling-texting-iming you. And you'll be... on another broadcast channel, watching another PRIME TIME man, and all the while his show is being CANCELLED!
"Some luck lies in not getting what you want but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see it's what you would have wanted had you known."
~Garrison Keillor
Monday, April 21, 2008
Good Advice
Conversing with Mustang a couple weeks ago made me realize a lot about myself. We've been dating for the past year, the last 6 months of which have been OFF. The conversation took place late night, after I left from celebrating Mykl's birthday at The Black Horse. After having a couple drinks which allowed me to muster up enough courage to hit him up, I stopped by and we chatted for a couple of hours. The good conversation reminded me of how much fun I use to have with him last summer. Sometimes, a good thing is missed as soon as it's gone, but then there are the other occasions when the realization of having missed something or someone all along doesn't creep up until you have them back. It's kind of similar to when a person doesn't realize how heavy their cravings are until they start eating, then after eating half a cow- one might say, "I didn't even realize I was that hungry!" That's how I was feeling while I was chilling with Mustang, but instead of expressing how hungry I was unaware... I said, "I really like you."After a pregnant pause, Mustang gave me an infuriating yet valid response. He asked me, "How could you possibly say you like me when we haven't talked in 6 months?" It would have been nice if he would have left it at that, but over the last two weeks, I just feel like I am in the dog house. It seems that he is trying to convince me to hate him. Sadly, this isn't an unfamiliar territory for me.
Why do men always zero in on the negative aspects of a situation? I once confided in Big Time, only for him to turn around and scold me for complaining! It's very seldom to run into a nigga who can realize, a woman only confides in people she feels she can trust. Her complaints shouldn't be magnified, but her efforts to be vulnerable enough to reveal shit that she normally wouldn't tell a soul should be appreciated. He should rejoice in the fact that she trusts him. Any other time men are complaining about NOT HAVING trust from a woman. But when a woman hands her trust out on a silver platter what does he do?
Then there is another nigga I am cool with who complains about the time I try to spend with him. Since he lives in Cleveland and my parents live in Cleveland he feels as if he shouldn't give me any of his time because I am not visiting Cleveland exclusively for him. He pitched his ridiculous OPINION at me for nearly 30 minutes, but then when he came to visit me in Columbus, with the claim of being here exclusively for me, he ditches me for his friend. COME ON! Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E? To believe I dropped my plans on a beautiful Friday night for a nigga who hit me with the LIE that he was going to be in town for ONE NIGHT ONLY! Someone, a man especially, who is going to be in town for one night ONLY, does not pack for three days. The TRUTH is that he only PLANNED to spend one night with me. The TRUTH is that he was going to spend the other two days with his needy friend. The TRUTH is he is not man enough to call a spade a spade! Just keep it real, you want to bitch about me not being exclusive to you, but then you want to try and make me feel bad ALL THE WHILE you are doing the same thing? I may have a baby face, but I was not born yesterday. The anger didn't even hit me until he insulted me by coming back to my apt in the middle of the night when he knew I was drunk! WTF is that? He tried to disguise the whole ordeal with "concern" but on arrival tried to force me to kiss him? He didn't try to force me to talk to him. He didn't try to force comfort on me, he tried to kiss me, lol. COME ON! Niggas kill me! He couldn't appreciate that while I could spend all of my time in Cleveland with my family, I choose to try and get up with him. It took this whole bullshit weekend to confirm what I already knew. Niggas want to have their cake and eat it too. He's just like Big Time!
At the end of the night, I think about Mustang. I think about Big Time. I think about... did I ever give him a code name? Anyhow, I think about "him" too. I really start to ask myself, "Why do I like these guys?" They see right through me and CHOOSE to pick at the negative things. They choose to recognize my vulnerability and dub it NEGATIVITY when they are the ones being negative. These men, that I claim to like see me as a monster, so what should I view them as? I tell you what, I am done begging for acceptance. Last night I started erasing phones numbers and it was so liberating. The advice Mustang gave hurt me at the time, but after I had a moment to consider what he was saying, it all makes sense. How can I say I like him when I haven't talked to him in six month? I can't. Why do I like these niggas who are so unfair to me? I don't. I'm like Torvald in A Doll's House, "I've never loved them. I only thought it amusing to be in love with them." They like it, I LOVE IT! I'm done with arguing. I'm done with pleading my case. I just want a guy who is man enough to appreciate a real woman!
Why do men always zero in on the negative aspects of a situation? I once confided in Big Time, only for him to turn around and scold me for complaining! It's very seldom to run into a nigga who can realize, a woman only confides in people she feels she can trust. Her complaints shouldn't be magnified, but her efforts to be vulnerable enough to reveal shit that she normally wouldn't tell a soul should be appreciated. He should rejoice in the fact that she trusts him. Any other time men are complaining about NOT HAVING trust from a woman. But when a woman hands her trust out on a silver platter what does he do?
Then there is another nigga I am cool with who complains about the time I try to spend with him. Since he lives in Cleveland and my parents live in Cleveland he feels as if he shouldn't give me any of his time because I am not visiting Cleveland exclusively for him. He pitched his ridiculous OPINION at me for nearly 30 minutes, but then when he came to visit me in Columbus, with the claim of being here exclusively for me, he ditches me for his friend. COME ON! Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E? To believe I dropped my plans on a beautiful Friday night for a nigga who hit me with the LIE that he was going to be in town for ONE NIGHT ONLY! Someone, a man especially, who is going to be in town for one night ONLY, does not pack for three days. The TRUTH is that he only PLANNED to spend one night with me. The TRUTH is that he was going to spend the other two days with his needy friend. The TRUTH is he is not man enough to call a spade a spade! Just keep it real, you want to bitch about me not being exclusive to you, but then you want to try and make me feel bad ALL THE WHILE you are doing the same thing? I may have a baby face, but I was not born yesterday. The anger didn't even hit me until he insulted me by coming back to my apt in the middle of the night when he knew I was drunk! WTF is that? He tried to disguise the whole ordeal with "concern" but on arrival tried to force me to kiss him? He didn't try to force me to talk to him. He didn't try to force comfort on me, he tried to kiss me, lol. COME ON! Niggas kill me! He couldn't appreciate that while I could spend all of my time in Cleveland with my family, I choose to try and get up with him. It took this whole bullshit weekend to confirm what I already knew. Niggas want to have their cake and eat it too. He's just like Big Time!
At the end of the night, I think about Mustang. I think about Big Time. I think about... did I ever give him a code name? Anyhow, I think about "him" too. I really start to ask myself, "Why do I like these guys?" They see right through me and CHOOSE to pick at the negative things. They choose to recognize my vulnerability and dub it NEGATIVITY when they are the ones being negative. These men, that I claim to like see me as a monster, so what should I view them as? I tell you what, I am done begging for acceptance. Last night I started erasing phones numbers and it was so liberating. The advice Mustang gave hurt me at the time, but after I had a moment to consider what he was saying, it all makes sense. How can I say I like him when I haven't talked to him in six month? I can't. Why do I like these niggas who are so unfair to me? I don't. I'm like Torvald in A Doll's House, "I've never loved them. I only thought it amusing to be in love with them." They like it, I LOVE IT! I'm done with arguing. I'm done with pleading my case. I just want a guy who is man enough to appreciate a real woman!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Random
So, I am just sitting here on this Sunday morning washing sheets. I really should be in bible school, but I woke up LATE as ever! I have been doing a lot of thinking as of late. Where is my life headed and who do I want to spend it with? Out of desperation I think that a lot of my decision making toward men is completely fabricated. Do I really have love for these dudes, probably not! So, why am I being so persistent. Why am I trying to make something out of nothing? Why haven't I just moved on?
I was listening to this Jamie Foxx song last night and it made me realize that love should not be forced. I should be easy going. Of course anything worth having has a certain amount of work included, but should so much work be necessary so early? This is the time when thing are supposed to be flowing, I'm young. I will be 25 in two weeks and I am putting so much stress on things that shouldn't hold any importance in my life. Why is that? I think I have gotten to the point that I let other people put a value on my life. I let other people get in my ear and alter what I have always loved about myself; INDEPENDENCE! The funny thing about these people who have so much negative shit to say about me and my life is, they're unhappy with there own lives. A couple of weeks ago I had a friend tell me I have a negative demeanor! Instead of taking it in I should have stopped him in his tracks and said, "No my demeanor is not negative, you're just a JERK!" But, I didn't do that, I let him win that battle. People who judge other people's lives are simply unhappy with their own. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to point out the negative. Take one to know one, remember that saying? When on is happy, all they can focus on is the beauty in things. They don't have time... no let me rephrase that, they don't waste the time to be negative.
I have just been having a lot of RANDOM thoughts. All I am know is I am growing everyday. Others might not approve, but I love the woman I am and I love the woman I am becoming. These niggas are going to look back in regret, but me, I'm going to look forward. I will never stop and say, "damn I really fucked that up," or "why didn't I get with him when I had the chance!." The most I will do is think, "what the fuck was I thinking when I tried to holler at him." Self sufficiency is key.
I was listening to this Jamie Foxx song last night and it made me realize that love should not be forced. I should be easy going. Of course anything worth having has a certain amount of work included, but should so much work be necessary so early? This is the time when thing are supposed to be flowing, I'm young. I will be 25 in two weeks and I am putting so much stress on things that shouldn't hold any importance in my life. Why is that? I think I have gotten to the point that I let other people put a value on my life. I let other people get in my ear and alter what I have always loved about myself; INDEPENDENCE! The funny thing about these people who have so much negative shit to say about me and my life is, they're unhappy with there own lives. A couple of weeks ago I had a friend tell me I have a negative demeanor! Instead of taking it in I should have stopped him in his tracks and said, "No my demeanor is not negative, you're just a JERK!" But, I didn't do that, I let him win that battle. People who judge other people's lives are simply unhappy with their own. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to point out the negative. Take one to know one, remember that saying? When on is happy, all they can focus on is the beauty in things. They don't have time... no let me rephrase that, they don't waste the time to be negative.
I have just been having a lot of RANDOM thoughts. All I am know is I am growing everyday. Others might not approve, but I love the woman I am and I love the woman I am becoming. These niggas are going to look back in regret, but me, I'm going to look forward. I will never stop and say, "damn I really fucked that up," or "why didn't I get with him when I had the chance!." The most I will do is think, "what the fuck was I thinking when I tried to holler at him." Self sufficiency is key.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
WITH "FRIENDS" LIKE THESE... Who Needs Enemies?
Here recently I've been going through drama with Charisse as a result of her MALICIOUSLY stealing MY baby name. I tried to approach the situation like an adult, but when on a playground- do as the children do. Its crazy to think that I am damn near 25 and my friends STILL don't have minds of their own. Its all so exhausting! What started out as something that should have been left between Charisse and I, has now been blown completely out of proportion. Now, all these bitches who shouldn't have anything to do with it in the first place are throwing their two cents into the mix. Then, they all want to make the claim, "I'M NOT TAKING SIDE?" BULLSHIT! If there are two friends feuding and one wants to STAY OUT OF IT, they simply refrain from giving an opinion at all. If you find yourself calling one friend and agreeing with her only to turn around and call the opposing friend and agree with everything she has to say ALSO- that is not "staying out of it!" In fact, there is a term for that.... it's called PLAYING BOTH SIDES better known as BEING TWO FACED. I swear the definition people have for "not choosing sides" is ridiculous! Furthermore, peoples' definition of being a friend is even worse!
I can tell you one thing, FRIENDS are over rated. I don't want to have to compete with my friends. I want my friends to be happy for me the way I am always happy for them. I don't want to feel awkward around my girl because her HUSBAND is hitting me. How am I going to explain to her that her man is hitting me up asking what I think our baby would look like, because he is OBVIOUSLY not pleased with the way his two children with her came out looking! I don't want to bite my tongue because my other friend has started a relationship with a guy from my past. If I ever try to tell her, "he is still screwing his ex (also another close friend of mine)," she is going to just say I am hating or call me jealous! I don't want to wonder if my friends are talking about me behind me back the way they talk about one another. I don't want to have to hide my belonging every time one of them comes over in fear that they are going to either steal, mimic, or hate on my possessions. It's all too exhausting!
I am not going to spend too much time worrying about any of this but it's seem everyone is upset because I didn't go to Bar Louie last night? So the fuck what! Last week, these same bitches intentionally went to Bar Louie without me! So now, a week later- they want to pity me and invite me? I'm good. Yea, I went to Bar Louie, I just didn't go with you bitches! It's fine when you guys leave me out, but when the tables turn and I don't go with you guys, it's a problem? That is the most HYPOCRITICAL shit I have ever heard!
Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it with people who don't appreciate who you really are. I am done with the phony friendships. I am done sending texts and making calls to a man who obviously wouldn't know a GOOD WOMAN if she smacked him in the face! I am making a conscious effort to make my life the best it can be. I wrote the majority of my first chapter last night and my mind is solely devoted to this novel right now. Nothing else matters. I know who my real friends are and I have known for over a decade. I know who really loves me- and I shouldn't have to waste time convincing idiots to do the same. I am content with where I am in life and who is in my life as of now! Sometimes its hard to walk away from the people you have loved for so long, but if they never really loved you- what's the point in staying?
I can tell you one thing, FRIENDS are over rated. I don't want to have to compete with my friends. I want my friends to be happy for me the way I am always happy for them. I don't want to feel awkward around my girl because her HUSBAND is hitting me. How am I going to explain to her that her man is hitting me up asking what I think our baby would look like, because he is OBVIOUSLY not pleased with the way his two children with her came out looking! I don't want to bite my tongue because my other friend has started a relationship with a guy from my past. If I ever try to tell her, "he is still screwing his ex (also another close friend of mine)," she is going to just say I am hating or call me jealous! I don't want to wonder if my friends are talking about me behind me back the way they talk about one another. I don't want to have to hide my belonging every time one of them comes over in fear that they are going to either steal, mimic, or hate on my possessions. It's all too exhausting!
I am not going to spend too much time worrying about any of this but it's seem everyone is upset because I didn't go to Bar Louie last night? So the fuck what! Last week, these same bitches intentionally went to Bar Louie without me! So now, a week later- they want to pity me and invite me? I'm good. Yea, I went to Bar Louie, I just didn't go with you bitches! It's fine when you guys leave me out, but when the tables turn and I don't go with you guys, it's a problem? That is the most HYPOCRITICAL shit I have ever heard!
Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it with people who don't appreciate who you really are. I am done with the phony friendships. I am done sending texts and making calls to a man who obviously wouldn't know a GOOD WOMAN if she smacked him in the face! I am making a conscious effort to make my life the best it can be. I wrote the majority of my first chapter last night and my mind is solely devoted to this novel right now. Nothing else matters. I know who my real friends are and I have known for over a decade. I know who really loves me- and I shouldn't have to waste time convincing idiots to do the same. I am content with where I am in life and who is in my life as of now! Sometimes its hard to walk away from the people you have loved for so long, but if they never really loved you- what's the point in staying?
Neither Out Far Nor In Deep
The people along the sand
All turn and look one way.
They turn their back on the land.
They look at the sea all day.
As long as it takes to pass
A ship keeps raising its hull;
The wetter ground like glass
Reflects a standing gull.
The land may vary more;
But wherever the truth may be-
The water comes ashore,
And the people look at the sea.
They cannot look out far.
They cannot look in deep.
But when was that ever a bar
To any watch they keep?
~Robert Frost 1934
I am sooooo in love with this poem. I want to immediately go out on a limb and say it's second best to Nikki Giovanni's Nikki Rosa, but I won't go there quite yet. The metaphoric background Frost holds allows me to completely see his angle. Anywho, I think that the poem completely represents the way I see myself, like the sea ;-)
Friday, March 21, 2008
Just Tryna' Make A Dollar Outta' Fifteen Cents
Right now I am on my grind, the way I should have been five years ago. One can't cry over spilled milk, so I am trying to do the things now that will make my life the best in the future. This whole school thing is really dragging me down, but I am not a quitter. I need to get back at OSU asap because unlike I was lead to believe, Columbus State is not cheaper. I am realizing that I need to stop taking the advice of others' and start listening to my own heart!
These last few days I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past; people who use to be in my life, the things I use to enjoy doing, and the places I use to love going. I am a different person now. The only time I want to go to the club is to run into someone specific, shopping and spending money on frivolous things now makes me feel guilty, and my taste in friends has definitely changed. I use to entertain people, even when I knew they weren't my friends, but now a days I don't even waste my time on friendships. Most of the people I hang around I do love, but more than anything I am counting the seconds until they let me down. I am so use to phoniness and disappointment- that I can not even enjoy my relationship.... it kind of sucks! I guess my rationalization lies in the fact that the people who are really meant to be in my like will somehow sift their way through my bullshit antics. Well, I do not completely think that my antics are all bullshit, seeing that they are based on the fact that so many "friends" have proved themselves to be all but. I don't know, but I do know things will get better.
This trip to Houston will hopefully be a good one. I am just ready to relax and stop thinking about what is going on in Ohio. Worrying about my family is starting to drain me. Stressing about bills and school (with no income coming in) is starting to weigh on me also. I just need some me time; solitude. I hope this guy doesn't try to pressure me into anything, because its not happening and I will just have to blow some more money and be on the first thing smoking to Columbus, but I am somewhat confident that things will be fine. Yahweh planned this trip for some reason. Otherwise someone wouldn't have hit me out of the blue and offered to pay for my trip right in the midst of me having money troubles. I guess Yahweh just knows I need a break from life and I can not wait to take it!
I have made a lot of weird decisions this year. I got that lump sum from Delphi and I don't know where it went... but at the same time I no longer have ANY credit card debt, I put a dent into my student loans, and I got my ass back in school- so all is not lost. I moved into my own apartment, and apt. that I am starting to realize may be to rich for my blood ($246 electric bill?!?!), but I am going to make it work. 2008 is one 1/4 in and already I have so many questions about the choices I've made. Well, whatever happens by 2009 I promise to have no regrets and hopefully I will be in a better position ending this year than what I was beginning it. People judge me everyday, but I have come a long way- I came from nothing, I've made something out of nothing. If these walls could talk...
These last few days I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past; people who use to be in my life, the things I use to enjoy doing, and the places I use to love going. I am a different person now. The only time I want to go to the club is to run into someone specific, shopping and spending money on frivolous things now makes me feel guilty, and my taste in friends has definitely changed. I use to entertain people, even when I knew they weren't my friends, but now a days I don't even waste my time on friendships. Most of the people I hang around I do love, but more than anything I am counting the seconds until they let me down. I am so use to phoniness and disappointment- that I can not even enjoy my relationship.... it kind of sucks! I guess my rationalization lies in the fact that the people who are really meant to be in my like will somehow sift their way through my bullshit antics. Well, I do not completely think that my antics are all bullshit, seeing that they are based on the fact that so many "friends" have proved themselves to be all but. I don't know, but I do know things will get better.
This trip to Houston will hopefully be a good one. I am just ready to relax and stop thinking about what is going on in Ohio. Worrying about my family is starting to drain me. Stressing about bills and school (with no income coming in) is starting to weigh on me also. I just need some me time; solitude. I hope this guy doesn't try to pressure me into anything, because its not happening and I will just have to blow some more money and be on the first thing smoking to Columbus, but I am somewhat confident that things will be fine. Yahweh planned this trip for some reason. Otherwise someone wouldn't have hit me out of the blue and offered to pay for my trip right in the midst of me having money troubles. I guess Yahweh just knows I need a break from life and I can not wait to take it!
I have made a lot of weird decisions this year. I got that lump sum from Delphi and I don't know where it went... but at the same time I no longer have ANY credit card debt, I put a dent into my student loans, and I got my ass back in school- so all is not lost. I moved into my own apartment, and apt. that I am starting to realize may be to rich for my blood ($246 electric bill?!?!), but I am going to make it work. 2008 is one 1/4 in and already I have so many questions about the choices I've made. Well, whatever happens by 2009 I promise to have no regrets and hopefully I will be in a better position ending this year than what I was beginning it. People judge me everyday, but I have come a long way- I came from nothing, I've made something out of nothing. If these walls could talk...
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Disaster
Ok, so I am a firm believer in not planning things and just letting it happen but last night was horrible for me. I am not sure where I went wrong or if it was I that went wrong, but the whole situation was wrong. How can something that seems so good go so bad? It's the friends, the ones who you really care about that always seem let you down. Dazed & Confused...
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