When it rains, it pours!

Right now, I am just trying to get a handle on life, but everytime I think I've made a little progression- everything falls apart. When I get up- more problems are added to my list. I guess, this is just at a point in my life when everything that I use to be able to count on, is not there anymore. All my constants are washed away. I have definitely hit rock bottom. I keep telling myself that 2007 will finally be the year that I won't look back in regret. But the way I am going, I am not sure that its possible- shit, it's already April, 2006 is a third gone!

I am putting alot of effort into being happy, but I am way too drained. I have given people way too much of me. I am just really realizing how much of a friend I have been to people who have not been there for me in the slightest, like... making two hour trips then sitting in an abortion clinic for five hours only to drive another two hours back to CO- but when all I need is for a person to lend an ear, I get sent to voicemail? I am just sick and tired of being there for people when they are not there for me, ever! I don't care if what comforts you is sitting on a couch talking to the weeeee hours of the morning or going to open gym, if that's what you needed me to do, I was always there!

What people need to realize is that no one is the same, everyone greives differently & everyone handles their depression differently. LINDSAY likes to go out when she is upset. So, if I ask you to go to the fucking club, you do it, because you are my friend, and you don't want to see me hurting.... plain & simply! I do not need your suggestions, i.e. "Why don't we just play some games?", "Do you want to just go to BlockBusters instead?", or even "Let's just cook & talk."... No BITCH! I know how to handle my pain. When you wanted to have the abortion- did I say, "Why don't you have the baby?", "Why don't you just get the DNA test?" No, I didn't! I didn't judge you- I supported your decisions. I was there for you!

Out of everything I am going through right now, the last thing I need is to lose support from people I thought I could count on. I just don't understand why people can not be there for me the way I have ALWAYS been there for them!

I am just having difficulty living right now!

Yesteryears

The more & more I look back on the person I once was, the more I appreciate the woman I am & more importantly the BETTER of a woman I am becoming. About a year ago I lost an associate of mine because I choose to contact her boyfriend and be the "better woman". Out of 12 people who I considered myself to have "real" beef with, he was the only one to find bad in what I wrote about. Of course my so-called friend being a naive & out right stupid bitch, choose his side & for months there after- still- I continued to keep her company. Then one day about two months ago, I just decided to write her off. Not a fall out, nothing like what I have gone through with other females in the past, but just a decision to move on to more self relying, interesting and intelligent females who can help me grow as a person. If you're anything less, I have no reason in being around you. Plain & simply!

I am VERY critical when it comes to my friendships. I take in friendships the same way I relate to my family. My family loves me because they HAVE to. There is nothing I could do to get rid of their love. It's kind of like a CSI, just because the blood is seemingly washed away with soap & water does not mean it isn't there. Blood has a way of sticking around no matter what, & so does My Blood (or My Fam) as well as my real friends. If someone is your friend they will not wash away with soap & water. No thing can separate you. I am just blessed that I have eyes which acknowledge that- just because a person has been around in your life for a looooong time, does not necessarily equate to loyalty. Like my old boyfriend Donte' use to say, "Just because it has syrup on it, doesn't make it pancakes!"

There were some girls at Ohio State that I befriended who were merely my foes from the beginning, I was just blind. They brought out the worse in me & I am glad that we are no longer acquaintances. I had a falling out with my cousin who was in their graduating class & from the moment they found out Kim was my blood, all they could do is bash her. Call her a hoe & say that she couldn't dress, say this say that, blah blah blah. Looking back I now see that they were just hateful jealous girls. She was not the hoe, come to find out one of them was the one having the abortions. She could dress, come to find out one of them was the girl who was less fortunate. Back then, I did not see that because I was mad, but now it is clear that some people are just wrong & the only way they feel half decent about them selves is to try and bring down others. Now it's 2006 and my cousin and I are where we are supposed to be.

Kim & I by Mirror Lake @ Block Parties 2000

After all that happened between us, we are still cousins, friends, & we love each other dearly. I missed a lot in her life because of our falling out (graduation, first years of college, even the death of Jason Dorsey) & I missed even more because I allowed childish foes to feed the fire (her wedding & the birth of her first child). But now, I look back and realize that it all happened for a reason. It was a growing process.

Myron & Kim's Daughter Mya

Now, like so many before me- I have no regrets... Non of the good nor bad! Majorly, because if non of the bad would have happened to me during these yesteryears I would not have become the woman I am today.

Everybody Is In Love!

While at lunch with 5 of my co-workers yesterday Christian just blurted out, "May I say, how in love I am with my boyfriend!" And it was just so sweet. Then as my best friend Derrick speaking in relation to his girlfriend Toya, "Man, this is it for me!"

I don't know, it just seems like life has come full circle in these last few months. I am learning to be happy for other people's love, even if I am not involved in it. And more than anything, I know I am ready to love. No I am not looking, I know it will come- but that is no reason to not have the open arms ready for when it arrives. I never knew I could love a simple thought until about three months ago. All it takes is a glimpse of or a knot hole's view into love & happiness then, you know THAT IS IT!

& Sometimes, when you least expect it, at WALMART for oil sheen or at TARGET for flip flops... someone special walks right into you life.

Why Hoes Gotta Stare?

Quote of the Day: "Why sit on the stairs & stare?"

I just have to get some things off my chest. I am not understanding this girls beef with me. I guess if started fall of 2004 when her man & I were @ CBR & we danced the night away. The next day as I retrieved my voice messages after work I was surprised to have one from her confronting me. I promptly called her back, of course her being a coward (& me catching her off guard) she didn't answer my call, but I tried to keep it real with her. Since then, it has just been "DRAMA"!

Everytime I see her, she just stares! It's so fucking bizarre. Her claims of being angry is that I am trying to fuck her man. Number on, I never try (anything) & fail. Look @ me, look @ my body, if I wanted to have someone I would. Secondly, if I got him once, she would know because that would be the same day he dumped her! I guess her naive ass believes her man when he said I was trying to get on with him, but let's face the facts. Calling me to get me to go to the same bars and clubs all summer. Him trying to get me in his bed while her picture is sitting on the right night stand. Dancing the night away with me. Should I go on? Man, its seems that she is checking the wrong person! Now she kicks it with another girl whose boyfriend has been after me since my freshman year. What do you bitches do? Get together and arrange "I Hate Lindsay" groups? Get a life.

You're the Before I'm The After Bitch!
The reality females need to learn is that men flirt and men cheat. It is not the job of other women to enforce your relationship. It is not the job of other women to remain loyal to other girls they really don't know all like that. That is my stance. I am not after anyone's man! Am I guilty of flirting & conversation? YES! That's just life. If you are sour about that, you have problems. & if you want to resolve your problems, you need to speak up. Closed mouths don't get fed. I was in the Hale Center today & again, the girl just stares. Dead stares. Its like a small obsession. You will never amount to woman I am, so just stop starring. Didn't your mother teach you that starring is rude? I guess they don't teach that in the 330. 330 is only an opening act for the 216. You never amount to anything but an opening act to Lindsay, "DEAL with it!"

Your dude is cheating on you. Fuck what you heard. That is a fact. & you're too busy starring at me to find the real back stabber. I do not deal with broke niggas, who don't have their own places, cars, etc. No worries Ma, I will never be after him!

In closing, an infamous conversation by Nik & I...

Lindsay: The nigga punched me so hard in my arm, I didn't know who the hell it was! I almost went to break the bottle on the side of the bar & stab him.

Nik: See, no! You break the bottle over his head, THEN you stab him with it. Two birds with one stone.

Lindsay: I never thought of that!

Nik: Ain't no point in wasting glass!

The Light of My Life!

"Smile for me Daddy!"

I will never forget the day I met Derrick Beal at CVS one evening after Basketball practice. Who started off as the annoying best friend of a boy I was into, then became the most important asset in my life. My best friend and at sometimes I believe my ONLY friend. It's kind of funny that I have officially known him for a decade and it feels more like a lifetime. We're both grown. I'm in Columbus living with my sister & he is in Cleveland living with his girlfriend, I haven't even seen him since like 4th of July, yet it as if no time or space has passed. It is so funny how people will try to find ways to hurt you. They may try to beat your outfit, flaunt their boyfriends, they will do anything in order to leave you sad, jealous, pissed off, they will not stop until something bad comes to you. But the only thing that can hurt me, only Yahweh can take away. & everyday I delight in that.

My mom has been through the most impossible life ever, and still she is here. Through abuse, the diseases, the pain- Yahweh has kept her in the midst of it all. My mom didn't have a childhood, my mom didn't finish college, yet I am convinced (& everyone knows how critical I am of people) she is the most intelligent person I know. Only my mom knows every recipe to every dish. Only my mom can tell me what a 15 letter words means, or even what a word like NICE means... That it is a synonym for IGNORANT! Who knows that? I mean really! Everyday I just realize how lucky I am. People think they know the "REAL" Lindsay but I am so much more. Though a lot of my relationships with people are stunted by my attitude, appearance, misunderstandings, jealousy- or betrayal b/c of boys, I am truly blessed to have people in my life who know the real me.

Derrick's Beautiful Hair

Which Both His Mama & Daddy Claim Comes From Their Side of the Fam

My Derrick, I have sworn that nigga off soooo many times! Then, when he calls me- it's like NOTHING ever happened. Like most recently, when he didn't get his hair braided for Elise's (my oldest sister) wedding- I was infuriated! "Nigga, you ain't my date anymore, you better not come!"..."I'm tellin' Toog not to let yo' ass in!", "Blah...Blah... Blah!" But when I walked up the isle & saw him sitting @ one of the back tables in a corner...I smiled, & told them to have him seated in front with my parents... ponytail & all! Things aren't always what they appear.

He ain't that nigga with the hottest gear or car (but let him tell it he is, LOL). He is not the college boy, just a man with a GED & a DREAM! But that's my nigga! That's my best friend.... Fuck it, that's my BLEED! & no one can ever take that from me. So keep the rumors coming, mean mug as hard as you can- you will never be able to take my shine & only Yahweh can take away "The Light of My Life!"

MARCH 6TH- Life & Death; the double paradox!

I remember coming up as a child & always thinking I was going to die. I guess the thought still crosses my mind here and there. Anyhow, after being sick and sick and sick and sick all the fricking time, there were really times when I just wanted to go. It's kind of funny that when my Mom finally found a doctor to treat me & figure out what the heck was wrong with me all those years, is right around the same time I learned to appreciate life, 1998. Somewhere between 9th & 10th grade it was revealed to me that- a life with suffering is better than no life at all.

Most who came up around Cleveland know this story, & the ones who were invovled with it will NEVER forget March 6, 1998 @ Euclid Heights High School when our David Henry Parker dropped dead during the first minute of the tournament game. I will never forget how we (Shaw High School) were on the news every week for rioting and violence, but after he died there were no more altercations for the rest of the year. I will never forget the looks on everyone's faces as I walked through the hallways. & how every year after that we never lost a game at Euclid because it was D.P.'s house. How the time remaining on the clock was 5:33. How the score was 3-3 with David scoring the first 3 points of the game. More than anything I will never forget how #33 dying made me appreciate life!

Later that year when Mahdi was killed it was all too much. A young boy I had watched grow into a man! I will never forget JahNisha breaking the news to me on the way to school that morning. Me being too scared to walk two houses down & comfort the family. It was all too much. Sitting in the family section at the funeral with Nae Nae & Regina saying with tears running down our faces, "Damn, where was he hiding all these fine friends!" The reception at his mother "Cakey's" house & all the boys singing in the street Shai- "If I Ever Fall In Love Again". I remember it didn't even hit me that he died because I would only see him on holidays. That thanksgiving when everyone was down the street & he wasn't, that was the moment- I KNEW HE WAS GONE FOREVER. More than anything the moment I saw life after death; Elijah, the son he didn't know he had on the way. I know this shit isn't forever. This whole creation along with time is an illusion, but we need to appreciate every moment of life, no matter how hard we think it can be!

Rest In Peace

David Henry Parker

1-18-81~3-6-98

Mahdi Ibn Rasheed

3-6-80~9-15-98

& whats even crazier is the fact that my winamp plays random songs & as I am typing Master P "I Miss My Homies" just started playing & then Mary J. Blige "Everything" (Dave & his girlfriend's song... the song they played on the segment Channel 8 news presented the Sunday after he died)!

Maize & Blue

How did he get the name Maize & Blue? You do the math

It is definitely over! Amongst other things- betrayal & months of silence were not enough for me. The defining moment came on January 10, 2006. As I opened mail from my girl Talicia I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the invitation to her baby shower. As I browsed her gift registry online, I noticed that her boyfriend Lamont's name was linked to the page. Being bored on a regular Tuesday afternoon, I decided to search the names of a couple of guys I had been or was currently seeing, you know- just to see if I could uncover any illegitimate children to be. I was relieved and 3 for 3 when I decided to check that one last name & there it was... Maize & Blue was expecting a baby girl in TEN days! Then, nothing else mattered. The past five years was just a blur. For the first time in my life a man had shaken me to my core. Oh, but it doesn't end there. I could not bring myself to call him so you know me, I texted him and asked, "Are you having a baby?" & I never got a response. It wasn't until February 15, 2006 @ 3:15am when he texted me to say, "Happy valentine's day." The thing that was a little beyond insulting but just plain infuriating is the fact that he has NEXTEL. And just encase you SPRINT & NEXTEL subscribers don't know, when you respond to a text, the person you are responding to will not only receive your text, but also the text you were giving a response to. So, what I received looked something like this...
Fr:Maize & Blue +1216xxxxxxx RE: Happy
valentines day.---Are
you having a baby? L. to
the...
Feb 15, 3:15 am

So it let me know, not only did he get my text, but he did not give me the courtesy of being a man & keeping it real, he did not care about me heart, & the bastard kept my text for over a frickin month! So, I guess I was wrong, the defining moment was not on January 10, 2006, but on February 15, 2006. And that was definitely the end, and its kind of sad because the beginning was so beautiful...

Maize & Blue and I @ Glenville's Spring Fling

The Beginning...
What we had was perfect and though I have never had the experience of being in love this is one of two times that I felt like I was close. January 2001, If I Could Turn Back Then Hands Of Time! I decided to go to his prom, he decided to go to my prom, we decided to be together. He was trying to get away from the ex-factor of the "Baby Mama" & I was trying to get away from the feelings of my "Wide Receiver". Initially I guess we were both in it for all the wrong reasons, but we stayed in it for all the right. We were mad compatible. It was the normal High School Love, endless telephone conversations... He "paged" me I "paged" him (remember pagers, lol), on the weekends there were the late night visits, dinner & movie dates, etc.

Maize & Blue and I @ Shaw's Afterprom

Of the DRAMA
Things were perfect, like I said- until the other girls started coming into the picture. First it was the hood rat cheerleader from my high school, then the double dose of scank from Collinwood track team- but I was playing the stand by her man good girlfriend role & I swept it all under the rug! But it was all true. So many stories I could type, but the fact that people will never realize is that the grass was not greener! Sometimes people pretend to be something that they are not. To this day so many hang off of Maize & Blue's balls, they worship him & they don't even know who he really is. I am not meaning to bad mouth anyone, this is not a male bashing bitch session. Its just how I feel about one individual in particular. Once a liar always a liar! Oh- "BUT PEOPLE CHANGE!" No they don't. Once a killer always a killer. Just because someone stops lying doesn't make them not a liar, or born again! If a serial killer like Jeffrey Dommer's defense was, "Oh, I haven't killed and eaten a person since 76'!" is all forgiven?

Maize & Blue and I @ Shaw's Prom

Forgive Your Enemies...
I think when time passes, if you are a soft hearted person, you only remember the goodtimes. Senior year of high school-Freshman year of college. The things that to someone else would mean nothing. The infamous TATTOO, drives from UofM to OSU for the weekend, Gra-Gra's for Christmas, the Dozen Roses @ Mrs. Ferguson's house after the Bowl Game, the 5 day retreat we had in Morrison Tower room 723 for my 19th Birthday (which to a normal person means nothing, but any man who plays Big Ten Football knows, you do not just leave school skipping practice & class without telling your coach or for that matter anyone), coming down for the Spring Icebreaker with "the future NFL 1st rounder" just so I wouldn't have to go alone, just moments of love when the earth stood still.

Maize & Blue and I @ his Aunt's house before Glenville's Prom

But Never Forget Their Faces

Looking back, I made a lot of mistakes. I bided all my chips & lost the game. Other than the ones who read this blog, no one knows that this love changed me more that any event to date. Now that it is over I can admit it, I was hurt beyond matter! I spent two years in a melancholy state. At no other person's fault than my own I let the end of this love make me neglect my work, my schooling(yes, I will be in college for a couple more years ;-) its okay!), and more sadly my spirit. No one will ever know the pain I went through alone! Time when I thought I was going to end it all. I came through it & I am proud of myself. Never again will I let a MAN have that affect on me. NEVER AGAIN!

My Existence is Like a Kodak Picture; My World is in Color, but My Life is in Black & White!

The more I talk to people, the more I realize how much they don't know who I am. At times I care less, but as of late, I have began to really wish I could express to people- who I really am. I may be talking to the air, but I now see that if someone is worthy of knowing me, they will be the one to read this. My blog will be about my life, from the beginning through the... Of course, some stories will be left out & names will be changed in order to protect the innocent & slow of heart. Other than that this is the real, through my eyes.


My Static with Greeks
My life is really crazy from the moment I was born right up to this present second. It has a lot to do with where I came from... MY PARENTS! My parents have been married for 31 years, & for another six months, I will be the baby in our family! My parents went through hell in their respective childhoods (both being the eldest child) & that hell has a lot to do with the way they brought up my older sisters & I. A lot of things happened in my house hold that I have never repeated, mentioned, & most of the time I try to block out. A LOT HAPPENED. Don't jump to conclusions, I was NEVER raped- but the option of being a child was never presented to me. My sisters & I always say, "Our parents are CRAZY!"... & that is something that always made me ask myself, "How is it possible for 2 crazy individuals to raise 3 sane beings?" That just never made since to me. When I came to OSU I really wanted to pledge! Anyone who knows me slightly- knows what I WANTED to be. But the more I thought about it, the more I lost respect for the whole GREEK LIFE. Greek life would only make a mockery of my whole existence. Though my sisters and I are not as close as most siblings, the time we spent together in that GREEN house in East Cleveland yields undying respect-love that can never be duplicated. I may never come to the point where I can mentally(because I trust NO ONE) or physically (because I cry too much when I try to even bring it up) talk of what went on those 18 years but I know I have 2 people in this cold world who can relate and who survived it. We had no choice! Our set was that Green house, they are my sorority sisters, we have been on line our whole lives! This is why I lost respect for Greeks and the thought of being a Greek. Greeks sign paper, Greeks choose to go on line, Greeks pay dues... All willingly! & though I understand the light they see @ the end of the tunnel, if I had been given the choice I would have never been bred into this woman with a chip on her shoulder who walks around as she owns the world, yet that's what most of these Greeks do, daily. & I don't respect that. Like it or leave it, this is why!

The Real Me
My favorite co-worker (or ex-co-worker for that matter) & friend Mike Gold has me reading this Book called "FLOW". In this bok it was mentioned how mainly everyone feels content with their life until someone actually asks them, "Are you happy?" That is MAD true. I never feel unhappy until someone shoves it on me. "Big Fish" one of my favorite movies has this one segment when the characters are talking about ice burgs. What is seen on the surface does not amount to what really is. I think that relates to me alot. People see me on campus or out @ the club and they jump to conclusions. It may be the drink in my hand, or maybe the bright clothes I wear. But I am so much more than what a finger can point at!