Uncertainty

It's crazy when you're so certain about what feelings you have for a person, but then what they feel is so frickin' vague. This shit is driving me crazy! I am just walking the line on uncertain grounds. But it feels good to have feelings for someone again.

Love Is Crazy

I've never been IN love. I have loved really deeply and at times, too hard, but I can never remember being IN actual love... I kind of think that's what is missing from my life. A real companion; someone who has struck a feeling in me that is foreign... an untapped resource. The state of being IN!

I'm sitting here in my apartment alone. The only phone calls I received today were about business; not ONE personal phone call- not ONE personal text! My day consisted of going to class and leaving the house only once more for food. I'd say my life is becoming tragic. Even so, I could have received a million calls and texts. but if they weren't from the one man I'm thinking of, I would have felt just the same. It's starting to make me wonder if I am indeed IN love?

In previous posts I refrained from giving this man an official code name, but I am pretty sure he is concrete in my life right now, so I will... Alias.

The first time I went to visit Alias, the first thought that came to my mind is I'm never coming to see him again. In the light of day, he looked old and ummmm unattractive. But now, he is so beautiful to me. I really don't see how I couldn't recognize how cute he was before. Even his flaws, they're like- the best part of him. And the rest of his is wonderful as well. His skin. His smile. His walk. They're all amazing. And for all who know me slightly, I HATE KISSING, but his lips changed me. His conversation- he actually talks about himself, he's not all super secretive, I don't have to beat him to uncover information, when I ask, he tells. I am not going to lie and say that he offers up every detail on a platter, but he's never made me feel like I was being a FBI agent.

A week after I met him, he came to visit me down in Columbus. When I asked Romero (a fool I have known damn near my ENTIRE life) to visit, it was like I had to beg, it was like he was doing me a favor, but Alias called ME! He suggested coming to see ME! He came to be with ME! There was nothing else. We saw a movie, we ate and we laid- and the next morning, I didn't want to see him go. And the next night, I didn't want to change my sheets the way I usually do when someone other than me has slept in my bed. Though he was gone, I wanted his scent to stay with me. The week after next I saw him again and I couldn't hold my feelings back, but he hasn't called since!

Love is crazy like that.... when you play ALL your cards right... it reneges.

I've Been Doing Some DEEP Thinking Lately

Most men are crazy, and those that aren't are borderline. There were time when I didn't know what to expect from a man, but now they have become so predictable! I know that they are shitting and there is only a matter of time before they flip out. For me, it's always somewhere around when I deny them sex. Every nigga claims to be different but they are ALL the same, if things don't go their way- they bail. It doesn't matter if they're a number on draft pick in the NBA or balding with a missing eye! Every dude has the same thing on his mind.

As I get older (and wiser- thank Yahweh), I am starting to sift through these same niggas who use to plague me. Now that I know what is going to happen, I can "wait for it!" Now that I have gotten to the point that I am finally immune to all this restless bullshit, men are coming out of the wood work. I use to go out with the sole purpose of meeting someone or running into someone (A.M.), but I got past that. Now, I have just been chilling with my family, a lot. When I am not doing that, I've been hanging around close friends. Now when I am at a concert with my sisters or shooting pool with my Kumar, men want to step up to the plate... and I am so over it!

Anyhow, I am not on any pessimist shit, but I am so done with BULL shit!

It's Been A While

I haven't written in this blog for weeks. Why? A little bit of Writer's Block is a big contribution. Recently I've been hit with surprising information. A former close friend from college had a baby and got married last week. Even though we've only been on "hi" bye" terms for the past two years, it seems so weird that I knew nothing about the pregnancy. I can remember nights spent in the dorms talking about the day when we would have kids and get married; now she has that.

Lately, I am trying to get focused on my career and my life. I want to get rid of a lot of baggage I've picked up in the last 8 yrs. I want to have the same carefree attitude I had back in high school... things were so simple then, and they are JUST as simple now, I just seem to find a way to complicate things.

I don't have a lot to say in this post, I think I have too much on my mind and I need to sort through it up there first. Maybe next time around I'll have something more uplifting to talk about- or atleast more sound.

New Friends, THE 30 Somethings

I have been tying a lot of loose ends lately. Ridding myself of fake friends and even making some new friends (that I hope I won't have to cut off anytime soon). Most of this started 2 weeks ago when Kumar and I went out to a pool hall to shoot the breeze. While Ku was racking up, I ventured off to get us another round of drinks and order of wings. While waiting on an infamous "White Russian" I sparked up conversation with a guy at the bar. That resulted in Kumar and I leaving "Jillian's" and tagging around town after my new friend. He got Kumar into a couple of strip clubs and bought him a lap dance so he could be distracted enough to have me one on one. I must say that ghetto strip clubs on St. Clair are usually not my cup of tea, but good times arose. We actually traded a lot of information, but I decided to call it quits for the night when he attempted to kiss me on the lips :-/ lol. On the way home (I let Kumar drive, against my better judgement) a guy stopped to us in at a red light started blowing me kisses. Seeing that I am a sucker for nice cars, and he was sitting on a nasty Charger, I had to oblige him! He has turned out to be a pretty cool guy.

Needless to say, I felt like I hit the jack pot when I met both of these guys. My friend from Jillian's was in a Lexus and had on pretty nice jewels, so I know he isn't starving. This past weekend when I went back to Cleveland for mother's day, we linked up again. This time he was sitting on an '08 Escalade, which made me smile.... until he put on a porno while I was sitting there talking to him. That was the most disrespectful shit EVER! I didn't trip though, I just kindly got out the truck and walked to my car. He later called me asking why I was upset... I told him that a 35 year old man should know why I was upset & if he needed to ask the question- he obviously can' t handle a woman like me!

After the eventful Friday night I decided to see what my St. Clair cutey was up to. He immediately informed me (via text) that it was his 34th birthday. Then, much to my surprise... he asked me if I wanted to GET A ROOM! lol, men in Cleveland are a better bread than any I know, but -all in the same breath, they are straight forward fools. Again I didn't trip, I just told him I wasn't interested and he apologized. Both of these fool hit me on Saturday, but I was more concerned with LE BRON @ The House of Blues, so I me Saturday night was already booked.

Saturday morning I ended up going to Beachwood to see if I could spend the gift certificate I received for my birthday last week. The mall was packed-ola! I started running into familiar faces left and right. First there was Anthony "Boo" Jones, a boy I was very much "in like" with for the better half of my high school era. Seems that a cute young boy turned into a fine young man. We traded a few pleasantries, but not our info. Ironically today is his 24th, I wish I could have remembered then... I then ran into a man who use to shop in Next when I worked there. Unfortunately he was there with his girl, so I couldn't stalk him the way I wanted to. I'm thinking he is about 36 by now, but he still didn't have a ring on his finger and neither did the girl who accompanied him :-)

After no luck at Arden B, I grabbed a bite and decided to hit Richmond so I could find my mom a gift. As I preceded to leave the parking lot I notice a BEAUTIFUL BENZ with some BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN tailing me. Of course I automatically remember them from when they were checking me out inside the mall, but I played the role. It is my belief that the really followed me out, because when I went to turned off of Cedar onto Richmond Rd. I promise he made the most awkward change of lanes. Anywho, he caught me at a red light and we exchanged numbers :-) we had a quick phone conversation and that was that. I went to Richmond and found my mommy some flyy earrings.

The House of Blues was the sheezy. Talon and I paid way too much to get in, but my only connect (Steph Floss) showed me no love. I immediately ran into "Shorty Doo Wop" as Talon likes to call him, lol. Then, for the second time in on afternoon I ran into Boo again. He kept giving me the cutest stares all night... he even ran his fingers throw my hair a couple times! Good shit. I saw LeBrizzle James and immediately considered tackling his ass, but used my better judgement. The night was wonderful!

After 3 Long Islands Saturday night, it was a bitch getting up Sunday morning. After I got out of bible school I had a voice message from Mr Benz... who will most likely become a staple on this blog- so a code name is soon to come. Anywho, I went out to his home- which is on "Big Time" level... SIDENOTE, I miss "Big Time" but fuck it, he was dope money Mr Benz is legit. I chilled with him for a few hours, we watched "Happy Feet" and talked. He is 33 and has 3 daughters 2, 4, and 8(not sure how many baby mamas though). I use to feel funny about men with children, but in my recent wisdom I am finding that it's not the kids that mess up the relationship, but the exs. All and all it was a nice visit. He is super down to Earth and seems to have his business together, oh and did I forget to mention that he just might be rolling in the dough. None of that really mattered after he said he would visit me here. It could all be game, but I hate men that act like they can't travel. "Shorty Doo Wop" acted like he was doing me a favor by coming from Cleveland to Columbus to be with me. There is nothing more refreshing than a man who has no limits. It has nothing to do with the money because "Big Time" would much rather send me a plane ticket then come visit me in my own element. 30 something men is apparently my new thing. The first two I met kinda ended up being a bust, but 3 is a charm! I was a countdown Dre 35, Ray 34 no this 33 year old stunner! Lol. Hopefully this is better than my experiences with these 20 something jerks!

Niggas

A negro will always be a negro. They don't change (especially over night). They offer fake apologies and tell you what you want to hear, all the while having no intention to compromise! I am disgusted in a major way. Anywho, ERASED!!! The Mint Chocolate has SOOOOO much memory space in its phone book right now! Re- up time! Fuck these weak ass CLEVELAND niggas!

Arguing

It seems that no one likes to admit they're an arguer. Recently, I had a conversation with my Heights Boy (who will now be referred to as "Pretty Brown Eye"). He basically said that he is not the type to argue with a girl. I kind of had the same discussion with Ugly Mitch last year. Any who, I just don't see how anyone can truly say they care about someone, but won't argue in order to save the relationship. I would never let a man walk away from me if I really cared about him.... at least not without a fight. And to tell the truth, I would never be with a guy who is not worth fighting for!

I guess what I am trying to say is, I want a man who thinks I'm worth fighting for. I want a man who is willing to step outside of his box and compromise. No one wants to waste time arguing. No one wants to fight... well, let me rephrase that. The war in Iraq! It's not that we're in Iraq, it's the fact that we're in Iraq for no reason. If we were in Iraq and we knew what we were fighting for, it wouldn't be an issue. But that's not the case. In a relationship, one you really care about- you don't mind fighting. I hate when men don't care to argue or make their case... but then claim they care. Those are contradictory statements.

Life can sometimes be sickening and men are not as dull as they seem. They try to come off like they're oblivious, but they play us like flutes! They don't apologize, not really. They say things like, "I'm sorry you took what I said this way." or "I'm sorry you were hurt." It's basically like saying, "Your point of view is fucked up, I'm sorry your opinion is leading you to be upset but you need to start seeing the world through my eyes, so then we won't have an issue!" It's so belittling, condescending, infuriating! I don't feed too much into things- I just see them like they are. It's over, I am just looking for someone who is into me as much as I am into them. Nothing else really matters.

CANCELLED

So, yea... you know your girl L.J., always waiting until the last minute to do everything. Procrastination can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. On a good day I leave for my one o'clock class around 12:30, but of course 12:30 came and left, yet I was still finishing up my homework! So I hear my text message alert go off, and of course I ignore it. Jumping up and throwing on some clothes, I head for the door. As I am approaching my car- keys in hand, I decide to check that text. THANK YAHWEH I did, because it was a chick from my class informing me that it's been CANCELLED! YAY! As I briskly walked back into my cribbo, I started to think about some things. Procrastination is generally treated as a negative trait...but what if the things we automatically and sometimes prejudicely assume have negative connotation, aren't so bad after all?

If I had a nickel for every occasion a man turned me down and I looked back in retrospect and gave praise for it, I'd be...Bill Gates! The funny thing is, sometimes we really just don't know what we want in life. We bitch over trivial things, but when the big factors occur in our lives-we don't know how to handle it. Life is so simple, it's just the fact that we're so set on making it difficult and end up wasting so much time complaining, we don't have time to stop and smell the flowers. We need to learn to let things GO! Unanswered phone call? Just say, "Fuck him!" No response to that text? Just say, "Fuck him!" Does he throw up an away message when you i.m. him? Just say, "Fuck him!" CANCEL that person out! Before you know it, he'll be the one calling-texting-iming you. And you'll be... on another broadcast channel, watching another PRIME TIME man, and all the while his show is being CANCELLED!

"Some luck lies in not getting what you want but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see it's what you would have wanted had you known."
~Garrison Keillor

Good Advice

Conversing with Mustang a couple weeks ago made me realize a lot about myself. We've been dating for the past year, the last 6 months of which have been OFF. The conversation took place late night, after I left from celebrating Mykl's birthday at The Black Horse. After having a couple drinks which allowed me to muster up enough courage to hit him up, I stopped by and we chatted for a couple of hours. The good conversation reminded me of how much fun I use to have with him last summer. Sometimes, a good thing is missed as soon as it's gone, but then there are the other occasions when the realization of having missed something or someone all along doesn't creep up until you have them back. It's kind of similar to when a person doesn't realize how heavy their cravings are until they start eating, then after eating half a cow- one might say, "I didn't even realize I was that hungry!" That's how I was feeling while I was chilling with Mustang, but instead of expressing how hungry I was unaware... I said, "I really like you."After a pregnant pause, Mustang gave me an infuriating yet valid response. He asked me, "How could you possibly say you like me when we haven't talked in 6 months?" It would have been nice if he would have left it at that, but over the last two weeks, I just feel like I am in the dog house. It seems that he is trying to convince me to hate him. Sadly, this isn't an unfamiliar territory for me.

Why do men always zero in on the negative aspects of a situation? I once confided in Big Time, only for him to turn around and scold me for complaining! It's very seldom to run into a nigga who can realize, a woman only confides in people she feels she can trust. Her complaints shouldn't be magnified, but her efforts to be vulnerable enough to reveal shit that she normally wouldn't tell a soul should be appreciated. He should rejoice in the fact that she trusts him. Any other time men are complaining about NOT HAVING trust from a woman. But when a woman hands her trust out on a silver platter what does he do?

Then there is another nigga I am cool with who complains about the time I try to spend with him. Since he lives in Cleveland and my parents live in Cleveland he feels as if he shouldn't give me any of his time because I am not visiting Cleveland exclusively for him. He pitched his ridiculous OPINION at me for nearly 30 minutes, but then when he came to visit me in Columbus, with the claim of being here exclusively for me, he ditches me for his friend. COME ON! Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E? To believe I dropped my plans on a beautiful Friday night for a nigga who hit me with the LIE that he was going to be in town for ONE NIGHT ONLY! Someone, a man especially, who is going to be in town for one night ONLY, does not pack for three days. The TRUTH is that he only PLANNED to spend one night with me. The TRUTH is that he was going to spend the other two days with his needy friend. The TRUTH is he is not man enough to call a spade a spade! Just keep it real, you want to bitch about me not being exclusive to you, but then you want to try and make me feel bad ALL THE WHILE you are doing the same thing? I may have a baby face, but I was not born yesterday. The anger didn't even hit me until he insulted me by coming back to my apt in the middle of the night when he knew I was drunk! WTF is that? He tried to disguise the whole ordeal with "concern" but on arrival tried to force me to kiss him? He didn't try to force me to talk to him. He didn't try to force comfort on me, he tried to kiss me, lol. COME ON! Niggas kill me! He couldn't appreciate that while I could spend all of my time in Cleveland with my family, I choose to try and get up with him. It took this whole bullshit weekend to confirm what I already knew. Niggas want to have their cake and eat it too. He's just like Big Time!

At the end of the night, I think about Mustang. I think about Big Time. I think about... did I ever give him a code name? Anyhow, I think about "him" too. I really start to ask myself, "Why do I like these guys?" They see right through me and CHOOSE to pick at the negative things. They choose to recognize my vulnerability and dub it NEGATIVITY when they are the ones being negative. These men, that I claim to like see me as a monster, so what should I view them as? I tell you what, I am done begging for acceptance. Last night I started erasing phones numbers and it was so liberating. The advice Mustang gave hurt me at the time, but after I had a moment to consider what he was saying, it all makes sense. How can I say I like him when I haven't talked to him in six month? I can't. Why do I like these niggas who are so unfair to me? I don't. I'm like Torvald in A Doll's House, "I've never loved them. I only thought it amusing to be in love with them." They like it, I LOVE IT! I'm done with arguing. I'm done with pleading my case. I just want a guy who is man enough to appreciate a real woman!

Random

So, I am just sitting here on this Sunday morning washing sheets. I really should be in bible school, but I woke up LATE as ever! I have been doing a lot of thinking as of late. Where is my life headed and who do I want to spend it with? Out of desperation I think that a lot of my decision making toward men is completely fabricated. Do I really have love for these dudes, probably not! So, why am I being so persistent. Why am I trying to make something out of nothing? Why haven't I just moved on?

I was listening to this Jamie Foxx song last night and it made me realize that love should not be forced. I should be easy going. Of course anything worth having has a certain amount of work included, but should so much work be necessary so early? This is the time when thing are supposed to be flowing, I'm young. I will be 25 in two weeks and I am putting so much stress on things that shouldn't hold any importance in my life. Why is that? I think I have gotten to the point that I let other people put a value on my life. I let other people get in my ear and alter what I have always loved about myself; INDEPENDENCE! The funny thing about these people who have so much negative shit to say about me and my life is, they're unhappy with there own lives. A couple of weeks ago I had a friend tell me I have a negative demeanor! Instead of taking it in I should have stopped him in his tracks and said, "No my demeanor is not negative, you're just a JERK!" But, I didn't do that, I let him win that battle. People who judge other people's lives are simply unhappy with their own. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to point out the negative. Take one to know one, remember that saying? When on is happy, all they can focus on is the beauty in things. They don't have time... no let me rephrase that, they don't waste the time to be negative.

I have just been having a lot of RANDOM thoughts. All I am know is I am growing everyday. Others might not approve, but I love the woman I am and I love the woman I am becoming. These niggas are going to look back in regret, but me, I'm going to look forward. I will never stop and say, "damn I really fucked that up," or "why didn't I get with him when I had the chance!." The most I will do is think, "what the fuck was I thinking when I tried to holler at him." Self sufficiency is key.

WITH "FRIENDS" LIKE THESE... Who Needs Enemies?

Here recently I've been going through drama with Charisse as a result of her MALICIOUSLY stealing MY baby name. I tried to approach the situation like an adult, but when on a playground- do as the children do. Its crazy to think that I am damn near 25 and my friends STILL don't have minds of their own. Its all so exhausting! What started out as something that should have been left between Charisse and I, has now been blown completely out of proportion. Now, all these bitches who shouldn't have anything to do with it in the first place are throwing their two cents into the mix. Then, they all want to make the claim, "I'M NOT TAKING SIDE?" BULLSHIT! If there are two friends feuding and one wants to STAY OUT OF IT, they simply refrain from giving an opinion at all. If you find yourself calling one friend and agreeing with her only to turn around and call the opposing friend and agree with everything she has to say ALSO- that is not "staying out of it!" In fact, there is a term for that.... it's called PLAYING BOTH SIDES better known as BEING TWO FACED. I swear the definition people have for "not choosing sides" is ridiculous! Furthermore, peoples' definition of being a friend is even worse!

I can tell you one thing, FRIENDS are over rated. I don't want to have to compete with my friends. I want my friends to be happy for me the way I am always happy for them. I don't want to feel awkward around my girl because her HUSBAND is hitting me. How am I going to explain to her that her man is hitting me up asking what I think our baby would look like, because he is OBVIOUSLY not pleased with the way his two children with her came out looking! I don't want to bite my tongue because my other friend has started a relationship with a guy from my past. If I ever try to tell her, "he is still screwing his ex (also another close friend of mine)," she is going to just say I am hating or call me jealous! I don't want to wonder if my friends are talking about me behind me back the way they talk about one another. I don't want to have to hide my belonging every time one of them comes over in fear that they are going to either steal, mimic, or hate on my possessions. It's all too exhausting!

I am not going to spend too much time worrying about any of this but it's seem everyone is upset because I didn't go to Bar Louie last night? So the fuck what! Last week, these same bitches intentionally went to Bar Louie without me! So now, a week later- they want to pity me and invite me? I'm good. Yea, I went to Bar Louie, I just didn't go with you bitches! It's fine when you guys leave me out, but when the tables turn and I don't go with you guys, it's a problem? That is the most HYPOCRITICAL shit I have ever heard!

Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it with people who don't appreciate who you really are. I am done with the phony friendships. I am done sending texts and making calls to a man who obviously wouldn't know a GOOD WOMAN if she smacked him in the face! I am making a conscious effort to make my life the best it can be. I wrote the majority of my first chapter last night and my mind is solely devoted to this novel right now. Nothing else matters. I know who my real friends are and I have known for over a decade. I know who really loves me- and I shouldn't have to waste time convincing idiots to do the same. I am content with where I am in life and who is in my life as of now! Sometimes its hard to walk away from the people you have loved for so long, but if they never really loved you- what's the point in staying?

Neither Out Far Nor In Deep

The people along the sand
All turn and look one way.
They turn their back on the land.
They look at the sea all day.

As long as it takes to pass
A ship keeps raising its hull;
The wetter ground like glass
Reflects a standing gull.

The land may vary more;
But wherever the truth may be-
The water comes ashore,
And the people look at the sea.

They cannot look out far.
They cannot look in deep.
But when was that ever a bar
To any watch they keep?

~Robert Frost 1934

I am sooooo in love with this poem. I want to immediately go out on a limb and say it's second best to Nikki Giovanni's Nikki Rosa, but I won't go there quite yet. The metaphoric background Frost holds allows me to completely see his angle. Anywho, I think that the poem completely represents the way I see myself, like the sea ;-)

Just Tryna' Make A Dollar Outta' Fifteen Cents

Right now I am on my grind, the way I should have been five years ago. One can't cry over spilled milk, so I am trying to do the things now that will make my life the best in the future. This whole school thing is really dragging me down, but I am not a quitter. I need to get back at OSU asap because unlike I was lead to believe, Columbus State is not cheaper. I am realizing that I need to stop taking the advice of others' and start listening to my own heart!

These last few days I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past; people who use to be in my life, the things I use to enjoy doing, and the places I use to love going. I am a different person now. The only time I want to go to the club is to run into someone specific, shopping and spending money on frivolous things now makes me feel guilty, and my taste in friends has definitely changed. I use to entertain people, even when I knew they weren't my friends, but now a days I don't even waste my time on friendships. Most of the people I hang around I do love, but more than anything I am counting the seconds until they let me down. I am so use to phoniness and disappointment- that I can not even enjoy my relationship.... it kind of sucks! I guess my rationalization lies in the fact that the people who are really meant to be in my like will somehow sift their way through my bullshit antics. Well, I do not completely think that my antics are all bullshit, seeing that they are based on the fact that so many "friends" have proved themselves to be all but. I don't know, but I do know things will get better.

This trip to Houston will hopefully be a good one. I am just ready to relax and stop thinking about what is going on in Ohio. Worrying about my family is starting to drain me. Stressing about bills and school (with no income coming in) is starting to weigh on me also. I just need some me time; solitude. I hope this guy doesn't try to pressure me into anything, because its not happening and I will just have to blow some more money and be on the first thing smoking to Columbus, but I am somewhat confident that things will be fine. Yahweh planned this trip for some reason. Otherwise someone wouldn't have hit me out of the blue and offered to pay for my trip right in the midst of me having money troubles. I guess Yahweh just knows I need a break from life and I can not wait to take it!

I have made a lot of weird decisions this year. I got that lump sum from Delphi and I don't know where it went... but at the same time I no longer have ANY credit card debt, I put a dent into my student loans, and I got my ass back in school- so all is not lost. I moved into my own apartment, and apt. that I am starting to realize may be to rich for my blood ($246 electric bill?!?!), but I am going to make it work. 2008 is one 1/4 in and already I have so many questions about the choices I've made. Well, whatever happens by 2009 I promise to have no regrets and hopefully I will be in a better position ending this year than what I was beginning it. People judge me everyday, but I have come a long way- I came from nothing, I've made something out of nothing. If these walls could talk...

Disaster

Ok, so I am a firm believer in not planning things and just letting it happen but last night was horrible for me. I am not sure where I went wrong or if it was I that went wrong, but the whole situation was wrong. How can something that seems so good go so bad? It's the friends, the ones who you really care about that always seem let you down. Dazed & Confused...

EMTIONALLY Drained

Life is so complicated and everyday I find a way to make it worse. I am just dissatisfied with some of the decisions I've made in recent months.

It's a hard to task to keep an open heart without taking advice from people. The irony in that task is the fact that listening to unstable friends will fuck you life all the way up! Last year I took the advice of one of my girls about a guy I had been seeing. Consequently he and I fell out over the advice. Months later I am finding out that the information and the advice that was given to me was false and misdirected. Now I am sitting back with my foot in my mouth...

The first step I took to try and mend the bridge I broke was to send the guy a Valentine's Day card. I sent it anonymously. I keep planning to run into him out in the club, but I haven't really been going out lately. So, last night I decided to go to Verizon.com and look through my old phone bills to figure out his number (because I prematurely erased it) and it turns out I am a month too late. The last time I called him was 7 months ago and apparently online bills only go back 6 months. I can not believe it is March already!!! Anyhow, I can't call my buddy A Nutz because we are on the outs, and he is my only connection to him. The fact that this is finals week and I am on the fence with two other men does not make this news any easier. I just don't know what to do.

My life is always full of DRAMA, even when things seem calm. The guys I am into are not into me. The guys that are into me I'm not into. The guys that I seem to be in sync with have some other kind of drama, like a baby or an on again of again. It's always something.

What's The Point?

It really sucks when you're stunted. You know, the feeling you have when you don't have any love interest what so ever. What sucks even more is when you do have someone in mind, but they aren't emotionally available. You try to keep your distance and keep yourself from catching feelings, but it's just so damned hard! It's really no use.

I am feeling really torn as of late because I am feeling a friend of mine. He is cute, motivated and more importantly he is such a sweet person. But just like every other good man I meet, he has a girlfriend. Well, let me rephrase that, he has an on again off again. We clearly like one another- I feel that is quite evident by now, but I don't want to move forward. I am sick of putting MYSELF in the position where as soon as I lay my cards down the nigga ups and decides to walk all over my heart.

In 2008 it is so hard to decipher if a man is being sincere or if he is just running game. One minute he can be inviting you to accompany him in Las Vegas and the next thing you know he is telling you he is involved with someone else and is trying to make it work (Big Time). I don't understand how men can turn their feelings on and off like that. I guess I have a lot to learn.

What to do at this point is beyond me because I am starting to really like this guy. I am going to avoid giving him a code name because everyman I have given a code name to on this blog is no longer in my life. Hopefully, above all things he and I will remain friends. I don't want to muddy things up and make things complicated- but sooner or later the plot is going to deepen... especially because he keeps pushing the issue.

I don't mind being with someone. I don't mind being honest with one another- I actually would prefer it that way (I am a big girl). The only thing I don't understand is why I should compromise my heart and my own feelings when he can up and leave at any moment and go back to the other Bitch? What sense does that make? What's the point?

The FUTURE

So, I have been thinking a lot about my future lately. I am trying to figure out a path to take to make the best out of my situation. I really want to graduate, but shit just seems to be taking so long. I wish I would have come to OSU with a better attitude and I would be a lot farther than I am now!

First and foremost I am debating on if I should get a job. I was going to try and wait til June, but I am starting to find that I am not as disciplined with my cash as I thought I would be. I mean, I know I can survive off of unemployment, but at the same time- I am Lindsay. There is no way in hell I can be satisfied with the bare minimum. I know I want to attend classes next quarter and I definitely do not want to take out any loans, so I am going to have to be very wise about my money.

Any who, Milbrey bought my ticket last night, so I officially have 3 weeks to get my shit together. I plan to lose a quick 15 (I started the Master Cleanse today) and I plan to start working out like crazy (starting tomorrow). I figure if I start out doing 100 crunches a day and work my way up to 300 within a week, I will have my cute little abs back! I am so excited and I plan on NOT buying anything new for the trip. I already have luggage, 2 pairs of jeans I have never worn, along with a crazy amount of shit I have worn 1 time- so I am going to be wise. I plan to give myself a $500 spending limit (not including food & entertainment) for shopping. Enough about that.

My plans are to just get my shit together in the next few weeks. I need to grind out the end of this quarter and looking into registering EARLY at OSU so I can finally take the classes I need and get the hell out of CO. I want to make sure I have a banging body for my 25th birthday which is less than 2 months away!!! And I want to really finish getting this book together. I think it is important that I start doing more things to prepare for the future. The club will always be there. Niggas who don't take me as I am will always be there. Girls who pretend to be my friends who secretly hate me will always be there. Clothes and shoes will ALWAYS be there. And more than anything McDonald's and cookies will always be there. So, I am making a conscious decision to take heed of opportunities that come once in a Blue Moon. Because once thing that will not always be here is time... times not forever.

My Book

I really need to step my game UP! My book was supposed to be done over a year ago, and here it is March of 2008 and I am stuck on the second chapter! I am realizing I definitely need to put some gas on it! Seeing that people are stealing the names that I am going to grace my children with, it is only a matter of time before someone tried to steal the name of my book also- and I'm not having it!

I just need solitude. I think I am going to stop hanging around with my friends so much. I am not really gaining anything from it. They don't call me during the week, I really never know whats going on in any one's life. It just occurred to me that I am being feed by a loooooong spoon! Everything is fine tuned. It seems that everyone is having problems and issues, but no one shares them with me. Not to say that I don't find out about them, because EVERYONE talks behinds each others backs. It just would be nice to get info from the horses mouth for once. I am realizing how phony it is to act like everything is all kosher when your man is treating you like crap, or your man is cheating on you, or you man just doesn't like you at all! The thing about women I don't understand is why can't they keep it real! There is always some lie going on! They can't just be honest in saying they have problems just like everyone else! They have to hold up this facade! Anyhow, I am done with dis functional people.

I have always been a fan of surrounding myself with individuals who I look up to. One's that inspire me, but for the most part the people I hang around now do neither. All of my girls are getting pregnant. A woman who has to trap a man be getting pregnant is relentless. Then, one by one they end up unhappy mothers of illegitimate children, and that's not cool. We end up having nothing in common. Then the men I hang around are mama's boys! They are still living at home with their moms and have no control over their own lives! I mean, that shit gets old. I am looking for adult relationships and what I have now is not cutting it! Why am I wasting time hanging around losers when I could be writing my book- something that is actually going to contribute to my future?

What The Fuck Is Up?

Okay, so maybe I am over reacting, but no I am not! What is up with people stealing my baby names? So, back in Mrs. Urogody Eiler's Street Law course at Shaw High I decided two things. One, that I wanted to someday become an attorney and two that the names of my (future) children. I knew right off the back I was going to name my son Linden Re' for obvious reasons... and I decided I was doing to name my daughter London Paris... London because it is so close to Linden and also because it is one of the four FASHION CAPITALS of the world along with Paris which was also very similar to my then boyfriend's french sounding name. So, of course he was a jerk and named his daughter that he has with another bitch Paris. That really pissed me off, but all of a sudden my pregnant friend is set on naming her daughter London?!?! She claims that she decided on it a while ago? A while ago when? Was it a while ago when I was telling you the story about Pierre being a bastard and naming his daughter Paris when he knows my baby name is London Paris!?!? It's not like Tiffany or Ashley. London is not a popular name that people think of let alone consider naming their kid. MAN UP! Admit that you never thought of that name until you heard me say it and you are a thief!!! God damn, I am so pissed about this mess! People don't have one original bone in their bodies! That's all I have to say!

P.S. Keep it real. I still have birth certificates from Mrs. Urogody's class stating what both of my children's names were. I can prove it. What female doesn't sit back and contemplate on what they're going to name their child years in advance? Come on!

Getting Ready

So, I have a couple trips I want to go on in the near future, one being Houston, TX. I just need to get away from it all and relax. Milbrey says that we are going to the beach when I come, so that means my ass needs to be on some body's diet ASAPly. I talked to Chelle last week and she was telling me she did the master cleanse and lost 16 lbs in 10 days. Sheesh! I remember when I tried it last year I only lasted 4 days. I then had a break down at work when everyone around me was slamming and the only thing I had was lemon water? WTF? lol. Anyhow, I think I am in a better position to do it now, seeing that the only time I leave the house is for bible school and class. I do need to cleanse my body and I def need to lose some damned weight, so I plan to start tomorrow. Maybe I can even save some money! YAY!

This is the time that I need to be getting ready for my future. I am trying to improve my looks (i.e. the haircut & losing weight), buy I am also trying to improve my health and soul. I just need to get a exercise regimen along with some kind of community service act that will soften my heart. Spring is around the corner and I'll be damned if the stories I post in this blog are like the ones of spring's past. When I first started this blog in spring of '06, I was usually cooped up in my bedroom crying on beautiful ass afternoons blogging about how tragic my life was. Then last spring ('07) I was too damned busy and wrapped up in my life to even have the time/ energy to sit down and blog. I probably wrote no more than 5 entries last spring. This spring I want to have the me time to sit down and blog, but I also want to have something nice to blog about... or someone nice rather. Hopefully the things I am doing now to get ready for life will help me to have a great spring and a great future.