Off the Cuff

Prayer is a fickle thing for me. For some reason, if I don't write my words down I consider them to be insincere. In reality I pray everyday. I want to be more conscious about it though. Not contrived but direct. No rehearsed yet from the heart. Because I'm a writer, I feel like I need to write everything down. But I am starting to realize my life is walking poetry.

This post is really pointless. I am really EMO and in my feelings tonight. So maybe I should make this a prayer? Yahshua, thank you for my life and everything in it. The good. The bad. The ugly. You're perspective is so beautiful. I don't always understand, but I appreciate when you give me insight. It gives me faith to hold on and trust that even the horrible thing I don't get are for good reason. You smile on me even when I can't smile at myself.

The Other Side of Eddy

I know you. Well I thought I knew you, but what I see is not what they describe.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, “I want to get to know the other side.”

But roadblocks hinder me, and traffic stops like the city you're in.

And although we never let it burn, I can't seem to get over that bridge.

Bumpy roads lead me back to you. Make me want to take one less traveled.

Then I realize my kind doesn't get to breathe you, and in that moment my soul unravels.

All I get is the brick—the foundation, yet they reap the benefits of your pavement.

I've been saving myself for you—I’ve been saving. But no mortgage will soothe my complacence.

Lakefront properties of personalities and wrought iron gates to keep me from that alter—ego.

Copper-less inner workings is the feature film. I've watched it over, and boarded up windows was the preview.

I see the signs. I gravitate to you. But navigation leads me right.

I know my heart is where you are. I know my home is where your heart lies.

The real you never let me down, but there is something glamorous about the challenge.

That the sweet side of you could make us one is the thought that keeps my heart balanced.

An overpass may as well be 2300 miles. Segregation may as well rear its ugly head

If I can't be who you are, if I can't meet the other side of Ed.

Worth It

Without being tested, how can you tell if it's real?
And if you've never been in love before, how can you tell how it feels?
Well, we've been down that road before and somehow we made it back.
And I fell in love before, yet somehow this feels better than that.
The possibility of something growing from nothing, so we know it's God given.
And though I'm not in a place to love you yet, I can tell you're what I'm missing.
And I want to tell you more, but I have to step in on faith.
Maybe standing still isn't always bad. I'll let Him guide my pace.
Because I've never been the type to rush in yet you're the type I'm waiting for.
And we friend zoned each other, but I keep wondering if it could be more.
Because there is something magical about your personality, something great about your perspective. Something that made walking away 7 years ago, something I've always regretted.

Guilt

An unlikely friendship, Victor and mine's started in 2008 as cohorts at CSCC. Coincidentally, we crossed paths again at Ohio State and the rest is history. We cultivated a bond and had the loveliest of encounters. Always outgoing. Always ready to dish. My friend Victor was an awesome chatterbox who matched my motormouth. I miss him already. 

August 30, 2009

He said he would send me his resume. That was the last time I talked to my best friend. No different than times before, we'd go a few weeks without speaking, yet somehow this time was different. Somewhere in my heart I knew. A week ago I texted him, and he didn't respond. So unlike him. This confirmed it--the bad feeling I'd been harboring.

Last Thursday as I readied myself for a meeting I thought to google his name, but I was running late, so I didn't. And later that evening much like many others, I had a few moments to myself, so I googled, "Victor Isaranucheep."

October 11, 2014

Victor and I had a way with each other that I don't think either of us had with any other soul. We'd never walk away having discussed a situation without resolution. He had my answers and I had his. Our friendship was special. He was special. I remember after Phil broke up with me we met out for drinks. I walked into 16 Bit feeling worthless. Feeling empty. Feeling dead. And he gave me life. We talked about heavy shit that we just couldn't talk to anyone else about. No judgement. I guess this is the reason I feel so responsible. 

March 8, 2016

It's not normal to google someone's name after one unreciprocated text. It's just not. But I knew. I knew it in my heart. I didn't need to scramble after either. I knew the cause. I knew because he'd told me. He didn't tell anyone else, but he told me. And I have to live with that.

I haven't written a memorial post in a while, and this one isn't my best. I guess it's because I'm not sad. I've been crying nonstop since Thursday, but I'm not sad. I mean, I'm sure I will be sad--one day, but right now, I'm just mad. I'm very angry. I didn't even get to go to his service. Maybe I don't deserve the closure of a funeral, and I am willing to accept that too, but it's really fucked up. 

I am so sorry you felt alone, but you were wrong. You were not alone. I pray Yahweh welcomes your soul. I love you Victor, but I am really mad at you. 

Fellow Buckeye. Fellow writer. Fellow Ninja Turtle. I really love you Vic. And I am going to miss you forever. 

Love is a Hard Thing to Find in 2016

Two decades since I wrote those so-true words.
Although I was penning them, I don't think I heard.
And even if I did hear I don't think I had the courage.
To admit my perspective is this reason I couldn't cross that bridge.

But years have come and years have gone.
Tears have dropped and blood's been drawn.
And sweat? Profusely! Although out of order
Wishlist on men has somehow gotten shorter.

The art of settling without hating who I see in the mirror.
The notion of forgiving and admitting to having been a sinner.
A recipe for 33-no kids is what I'm baking.
A destiny for complacency is what I'm contemplating.

So far from that 13-year-old girl who was pregnant with a daughter.
Too deep to pretend to be comfortable wading in shallow water.
Still lost trying to be found so I dropped 16 mean lines.
Ringing true, in 2016 love is still hard to find.

How To Say It

I know I've taken up your early afternoon, but I wonder if something's there

Why would you stay so long, the brunch is gone--the rain has stopped

And I can't come off sentimental; don't want you to think I care

Pleasantries, but no high moments, your contentment has me shocked

No Luke warm, but it's not the right time to show my feeling are scorching hot

Just keep on catching up and the elephant in the room will be revealed

So, I just started this awkward poem and I just can't get a groove. Production copywriting does that. It drains creativity. I'm a machine. No love. No thought. I hate it. I'd love to write a poem, but I can't. Maybe my mind will be clearer after this vacation. A week of rest. 

I'm trying to figure out how to say I love you. I've said it before, but I don't think I've ever truly meant it. It was convenience and courtesy. It was going off a notion full of lies. You can't take away love, but if you realize you never knew that person to begin with, how could you love him? Anyhow, I am plagued with telling my friend I love him. But this is the thing, I don't even know if we're friends anymore. I don't even know what I mean, if anything at all. 

How do I start the conversation? With a, "Can I be honest?" The funny thing is, I don't even care if the feelings are mutual. I just don't want to leave word unspoken. The again we're in two different time zones. So there's that. 

 

Extension

Some are worth it. Some aren't. We need to pay better attention to where and with whom we're spending our time and energy. Going above and beyond is good in theory, but more times than not it's a waste of time.

Jobs give you a goal, but only award a bonuses to those who take the extra step? That concept is foreign. For free? Nah! Pay me. Business is not one sided. If I am completing a service I am getting paid for it and thumbs up don't count as commission.

I am being a bit scatter brained, but my point is I am done with the portion of my life where I over extend myself for other people. It has always gotten me no where. One way tickets and one sided feelings is bullshit.

People who want to be with you will show you. Things that Yahweh meant for you won't go unproven.

Stepping on egg shells, always wondering, feeling unworthy are not good signs. When something is real and warranted it should come easy. It's not about who called last. It's not about if a text goes unnoticed. Tit for tat is not real life. Either we are or we aren't.

Lately I'm finding myself walking away from long-time friendships without wincing. It's because they don't matter anymore. It's realistic to assume that the one-side friendships I have with people are the same. They've outgrown me and instead of noticing the cold-shoulder I've continued to keep communicating. There comes a time when well enough is left alone.

I met a guy in November. He's incredible and special. Sometimes we sit on the phone for hours. I haven't had conversations like these EVER. He's something out of a dream. Very attractive and very kind. TBH I didn't think there were really men like him out there. He speaks to my soul and he's just so god-damned lovely. Meeting him is one of the best things that's ever happened in my adult life. It's changed my perspective on what I should be expecting and accepting from men. Most importantly, it's made me realize that when Yahweh wants me to have something, I WILL have it.

A few months back I told a Tinder date that I am online because it's hard to meet black men. I live in an all-white neighborhood. My job is lily white and I hang in the Short North. So. Yeah. Then shortly after making that statement I was completely blindsided by this guy in November. Against all odds.

The point is Yahweh is always on time. Don't force life. Don't overextend your self. Just wait and be blessed. I don't know if this guys is for me, but he awakened my heart and for that I'm grateful.

5 Minutes of Musing

I don't know where you live. I don't know who you are.

All I can promise is I'll love you, but most days I'll take things too far

Temper goes through the roof at the drop of a hat

Say a lot of foolish things that I later wish I could take back

Passion is in abundance and support from me will never lack

You'll never feel like you're flailing because I'll always have your back 

Clean up messes before they're noticed. Cheer you up before you feel depressed

I may not always be up but I'll never lead you left

The reality is most love to see through rose colored lenses, but what you see is what u get

And once things are permanent you'll never experience regret

In no rush to move forward, desperation isn't my game 

Trying to honor my daddy's before I take on your name

Make one for myself. Pride isn't mine but I make those proud 

Who stand by me when no one else stayed around

And I'll stand my ground when I say I have no fears

When he's ready then I'm ready to spend the rest of my years. 

Can't Have One Without The Other

It's not the fear if flying, it's the fear of dying.

Leaving the world--unfinished business--and no one's crying 

In reality we need someone who helps us fly; gain new perspective 

Understand even when things seems bad, we have no clue from what we're being protected

And the things we're being subjected only make us stronger

So when we get him, the heart has already grown fonder

But what if we never reach our destination 

What if we miss our chance what if we miss our blessing?

Not sure that's possible but we have to step out on faith 

Hope the air catches our stride like breathes bait

And when turbulence hits it's more like growing pains

A necessary evil to build resistance. Now we see gains

Strange how point of view changes perception

What we think is the end He deems as conception

Troubled waters isn't the object, but the bridge over it is

Dying is fearful, but to fly is to live. 

My thoughts during my flight to the city of angel. 1-6-16

Conception

I loved Pierre and for a very long time I was in love with Pierre. Probably a lot longer than is healthy. He was special at the time. He was a game changer and it's only now fifteen years later that I understand and have the maturity to realize that what we had was real and beautiful. It took time for me to get here, but it all occurred to me last night when I had a very deep conversation with my good friend Joanne.

I realized how harsh, dismissive and unrealistic I was to believe when relationships don't work out everything about them is a lie. Pierre did love me. He loved me whole heartedly. He did his best. As did I. But we weren't meant to be. What we had when we had it was real. I've been really hard on myself over the years thinking because I am no longer with any of my exes they never truly loved me. That couldn't be farther from the truth and it's an absolute unfair accessment. They all loved me. They all still do, but for whatever reason it just didn't work out.

Anyhow, I loved Pierre. I remember one day I went to the mall to buy him a gift. I ran into a friend who worked in the mall. He offered to let me use his discount. I remember going into his store to look around. He assisted me. I talked about Pierre and he talked about his current girlfriend. Now what I say next may sound extremely odd, but it's a truth that I've only come to know 24 hours ago. When he mentioned his girlfriend he referred to her as his queen. In that moment I knew that I loved him. Yeah, I was still with Pierre. He would eventually go on to be my first love, but in that moment in the winter of 2001, I knew that I loved the other guy. I didn't act on it. I tucked the thought away for later. He had been a long-time friend. I knew he'd always be in my life. I call that sweet little moment conception.

I guess chronicling all my poems is dredging up a lot of old feelings for men I haven't thought about in years. I still love Pierre, but I don't think about him often. But the other guy--my old friend--I didn't need old poems to bring him back to my remembrance. He's always on my mind. Just tucked away, like that thought from 2001.