Conception

I loved Pierre and for a very long time I was in love with Pierre. Probably a lot longer than is healthy. He was special at the time. He was a game changer and it's only now fifteen years later that I understand and have the maturity to realize that what we had was real and beautiful. It took time for me to get here, but it all occurred to me last night when I had a very deep conversation with my good friend Joanne.

I realized how harsh, dismissive and unrealistic I was to believe when relationships don't work out everything about them is a lie. Pierre did love me. He loved me whole heartedly. He did his best. As did I. But we weren't meant to be. What we had when we had it was real. I've been really hard on myself over the years thinking because I am no longer with any of my exes they never truly loved me. That couldn't be farther from the truth and it's an absolute unfair accessment. They all loved me. They all still do, but for whatever reason it just didn't work out.

Anyhow, I loved Pierre. I remember one day I went to the mall to buy him a gift. I ran into a friend who worked in the mall. He offered to let me use his discount. I remember going into his store to look around. He assisted me. I talked about Pierre and he talked about his current girlfriend. Now what I say next may sound extremely odd, but it's a truth that I've only come to know 24 hours ago. When he mentioned his girlfriend he referred to her as his queen. In that moment I knew that I loved him. Yeah, I was still with Pierre. He would eventually go on to be my first love, but in that moment in the winter of 2001, I knew that I loved the other guy. I didn't act on it. I tucked the thought away for later. He had been a long-time friend. I knew he'd always be in my life. I call that sweet little moment conception.

I guess chronicling all my poems is dredging up a lot of old feelings for men I haven't thought about in years. I still love Pierre, but I don't think about him often. But the other guy--my old friend--I didn't need old poems to bring him back to my remembrance. He's always on my mind. Just tucked away, like that thought from 2001.

2001

Living in these moments that may have been one sided.
Hoping for an in love that seems to be unrequited.
I thought we were in love. That's all I'm saying.
The come true to my wishes. The answer to my praying.
Gotta' learn to leave the past in the past, no matter the last laugh.
Petty shit will eat you up inside. Plenty shit will make you mad.
Because at first glance it was nothing, just a smile in passing.
And the second chance turned into several more surpassing.
Shared stories about our past, hoping for a better future.
Forecasted to be sunny, but turned out to be another stormy suitor.
Hail. High winds. Heavy rains.
He pumped existence into my living then he became the bane.
Strange even violent how some things never work out.
Never on the same page, I'm nonchalant. He's devout.
Then I start to come around and my heart softens to him.
Then he says we should work on our friendship and once again the moment's ruined.

-For the cat to my mouse

Positivity, Positively

I have a philosophy that tells me no matter how bad things get, they will always turn out good in the end." -Charlie Brown

Prepared

I been reading my old journals
Checking to see where my head has been
And I been apologizing to some people
Some bridges I needed to mend
And I been eating more greens
Getting my body alkaline
Oh, I'm gonna be super fine
And I been letting
Been letting some old ideas go
I'm making room for my life to grow
I just wanna be prepared

I just wanna be, I just wanna be prepared
Getting myself ready for what's coming for me

I just wanna be, I just wanna be prepared
Prepared

Here me now

I been getting recipes off the internet
Most times they be banging
I realized they're only good when I put
My love spices all up in rices
I been
You know I been enjoying people who love each other
Husband and wife
Sister and brother
Father and mother
I let the queen inside
I let her shine
I been listening for God more
I been doing my chores

I just wanna be, I just wanna be prepared
Prepared

I've been getting myself together for what's coming to me

For when I see him at the end of the aisle

With that true heart and that real smile

Intentions pure

A love that will endure

I just want to be prepared

I'm getting myself together for what's coming to me

I just want to be prepare

-Jill Scott aka my spirit animal

That Moment When You Realize All Men Aren't The Same

Last October I met a guy. Last October I met a man--would be more accurate. For personal reasons I decided from our first date that I didn't want to be romantically involved with him and I was honest about it. But life being what it is, odd, we've continued to be friends. Drinks here. Dinner there. Texting once in a blue and one notorious phone conversation. Anyhow, he's a good person.

We went out to dinner last night and he casually mentioned that he wants to marry me. He elaborated and the conversation went into depth and there I realized something; men are either going to want you or they're not. It's not about money, clothes or education. It's not about loyalty or what makes sense. In the end, there is nothing a woman can or can't do to change a man's spirit.

Unfortunately, I've been through one tumultuous relationship after another, the last of which I actually got lost in. I continuously date African-American men who lead me to believe that these games have meaning and they don't. When a good man meets a good woman, it's simple. If those two people are in the right place, they'll vibe and get married. Obviously, I'm not in a good place and I've been clear about that from the beginning. I just wish the men I'd dated in the past would have given me the same truth and courtesy that I have given my friend.

Life is short and time is damn near nonexistent. In these bounds of limits it's best to keep it pushing. I've crushed on more guys than I'd like to admit and more times than not it never worked out for me. I am learning to take things at face value. Shoot my shot. Miss. Run down court. I'm 32 and I don't have the luxuries that I owned ten years ago.

Last night, my friend told me that's he's continued to contact me, almost a year later, because he hasn't met anyone like or better than me. He said when he does he'll probably stop reaching out. And that sums up my dating life. As stated, I've crushed on many men. The ones that I'm over have been trumped by men better than them. The ones that I still swoon over are different, better and maybe even the best type of men.

The reality is, the odds are stacked against me. Statistically black women in America don't ever marry. I've had dark moments in the last three years. Really dark moments. But this year is different. It's been a rebuilding year. I still get bad news, but it doesn't sting me like before. This is the first year since 2010 that hasn't been worse than the year before. I realize that's a blessing. He's keeping me.

It's not probable that my friendship will be cultivated beyond were it is now, but I've learned something valuable in the last day that I want to share. It's never a good time to give up.

Take Care

I wonder do you think of me. I wonder if your heart hurts. I hope you're happy. I hope someone is loving you. I really do. I don't know who you are. I don't know where you are, but I hope desperately that you can feel what's in my heart. Maybe it's too late for us. Maybe we never happened. I just hope you're taking care of yourself.

Stage Two: Life Is Interesting

So there are three stages of a break up. One: the stage when you're still in the relationship, but your know it's over aka MISERY. Two: the stage when it's definitively over, but you're still feeling regret aka MISERY. Three: the stage when you're as over it as you possibly can be and ready to move one. Today, I realized that I and my two best friends fill these three stages.

 Being gray is very dangerous. Or, it can be. Being gray is good when you can look back and see what black looked like. Being gray is good when you can look forward and see what you will be like in the future. When I get the hysterical phone calls from my bestie in Texas, man, it's insane. It's like word for word the things I was saying a year ago. And when I talk to my bestie in Greensboro, I remember that when I met her, she was at the lowest point in her life. She has a drug dealing baby daddy and no job. Now, she has an MBA and is at the top of her field and this all happened within two years of his imprisonment. Today, she and I also realized, that where relationships are concerned, we had to have already gone through the worst of it.

 The point is, things get better. Even when you're in the midst of it, it helps to have friends who give you perspective. One friend shows me how far I've come and the other gives me encouragement to get through where I am. Improvement. Hope. I've never had female friends like this in my life and I am certain I would never have had I not gone through my last relationship.

He knocked me off my high horse and I needed it. I've been rejected and I've done some pretty nasty rejecting, but nothing like this last time. For the first time, I had to seek out someone to be vulnerable to and it just happened to be these two beautiful ladies. I feel incredibly sad--most days, yet incredibly blessed. Humbled.

 My friend who is currently going through it decided to start a journal for the sole purpose of tracking the fluctuations in her misery. She's trying to convince herself; she's looking for a way out. My other friend is at the point of healing where she's finally willing to let her son see his father in prison. Life is crazy. Sometimes it doesn't look like there is a way out. I have to remind myself daily--and on weekends like this when I am alone hourly--that things get better and I will be happy again. Whatever happy is. What my ex and I had was special. For months, almost a year, I've tried to deny that. I tried to pretend like I was okay, unbothered and I think this prolonged me REALLY getting over it. It was special. And although it may not have been once-in-a-life-time kinda love, what we had was rare and we will never find it with anyone else. This isn't a bad thing. This means, love like that does exist. This means, that if I could have something so special with the wrong person, I probably can't fathom what it's going to be like with The One. Life is interesting like that...very grime facts have silver linings.

Time Stands Still

In an effort to talk about some fucked up shit without really talking about it, I am going to be mad passive and vague. Even still, it's obvious what this is about. For the last few weeks I have been trying to figure out if it's better to be treated badly or for one to pretend to love me. I can't figure it out. Because in the end the truth always comes out. And the little moments I thought would live forever, I'm finding out never really existed. The love I thought I shared--reciprocated, was truly unrequited. Anyhow, I am stuck. I am stuck on a forever that never was. I've had ample distractions and a host of support, but I still can't seem to shake the feeling of what's happening to me. It's so unreal. It's like a movie. Worse, it's like a book. It's embarrassing to have someone mean so much when I literally never did, don't and never will mean anything to him. I wish there was an easy way out. I wish I were brave enough to take the easy route. I've prayed and my prayers have been answered. I thank Yahweh for that. I do. But the reality is, there is not short cut from pain. I am in a very ugly place and unfortunately I'm not moving. Superpower.

A Thin Line Between Love and Date

Whether it's searching for a soulmate or looking to sing.

We're all tryna' live out our dreams.

Relocations can differ, final destinations can be deemed.

Still, all that has yet to be seen. 

Wishful thinking gets shot down, feelings dismissed it seems.

Can be a blow to one's self esteem.

Not persistent to resistance, don't wanna come off as a fiend.

But I still want to be on your team.

They say it won't come to those who search so I focus on the green.

Yet we all need a shoulder to lean.

Life ain't perfect, but I ain't either if u know what I mean.

Shit even I would have to wear cream.

And I ain't getting any younger, twice the age of this sixteen.

Guess I should be looking for a ring.

Til' then...

I'll stand online, play the role-read my lines, super swing. 

I just hope you know how to read in between.

-For JC

"But Watching Stars Without You? My Soul Cries!"

Close, too close it made time stand still

Looking back all of what transpired doesn't seem real

Effortless was silence, natural was our conversation

Unrealistic were ends to a means being contemplated 

Lies told so often that truth did not exist

Truth never spoken, eyes left an abyss

And I dreamed about him and he materialized 

Now I dream about him and I can't believe my eyes 

An eternal existence lying on precious moments

An acquired resistance and feelings when it's too late to show it

So I don't respond and I don't entertain

Yet I crave to hear him say my name

It's the only time Lindsay made sense, only time it sounded right

Because it was the only time Lindsay had finally gotten it right

Holding your ground is the law and it's the only time death makes sense

Because having life without an us is a false pretense

I thought the world would revolve without us...

A moment in the soul can last forever...the ride with you was worth the fall and all that other shit Whitney was talking' bout on Didn't We Almost Have It All.

For Jarhead

Slim by any Other Name Would be as Sweet

I once heard any plane Obama flies in is Air Force One. That shit had me thrown. 

Using their logic, any chair you sit in should be referred to as the throne. 

Could be the liquor talking, I do tend to give lip service--cupid's bow. 

Can't be that, because I'm truthful to a fault, even at the expense of a potential beau. 

What's semantics to a king? Even the common lyricist would catch the scent.

It ain't game. I write what I mean. I stand by what I sent. 

You inspire me on the daily. Your words have me fazed. 

And I'm twice the age of sweet 16, so I can't be going through a phase. 

Cause words are our bond, right? Well you should let them rain. 

Even when they ain't sweet don't bite your tongue, Slim it's your time to reign. 

Mary-Poppins these niggas. Let the world know how you feel. 

Give em that spoon full of Sugar, time for prescriptions to get filled. 

Or refilled, re-up! Let your voice be heard--vision seen. 

Been a while since a man like you has shown up on the scene. 

You are the truth-like church. Your voice is the peal. 

With you the medicine goes down. With you it's easy to take the red pill. 

For STS