Unfinished Business

So, when you leave one phase of life and MOVE on to another- knowingly having not completed all the tasks or gotten rid of old feelings that you think you will always harbor, what do you do? I just want to start over, but starting over entails leaving certain things and certain PEOPLE in the past. No more phone calls, e-mail, letters. No more thoughts of them, or him somehow working his was into my dreams via my subconscious. I have just got to go cold turkey- no more "Charge It To The Game". I mean, I am going to go for what I know. I have tried numerous times in the last six years to let go, but I just can't. I guess I will just go the rest of my life wondering, what really happened between us- but I sure as hell don't know!

MOVING along... there are other people in my life that have caused such a bad influence, that I can not wait to be away from them. Niggas, who have never left the hood mentality behind and never quite learned how to treat a woman. I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing if I hadn't learned how to love and treat a man. But, unfortunately- my drive to love is so strong that I can't control it. And many times when I wish to just "play," my heart gets pulled in. That's why for so long I couldn't get rid of Polaris and I damn for sure couldn't get rid of 5th Ave. But now, I am starting to MOVE on. I see people are just trying to pull me down so that they feel better about their lives- and I can't let it happen anymore!

Closure is something that everyone needs. I guess in the case of Charge It To The Game, I am just going to have to let those feelings stay buried in Ohio. I think with 50, I loved him for so long that it was so hard to let him go, but eventually I did... and soon there after he somehow got my number out of one of the few friends I have left back in E.C. and called me trying to spit game AFTER HE DOGGED ME for 6 years. HA! I guess it's logical that I am still not over Charge It To The Game, I liked him a lot longer than I liked 50- or any other man for that matter. So, I guess it only makes sense that it will take a little bit longer to get over him, but I am pretty certain 07' is the year.

Right now I am just trying to STAY focused. No one will ever love me the way I love me. I love the fact that I can look in the mirror, because it wasn't always that way. All I ever saw was dark skin and nappy hair. All I ever saw was hate. But I learned that beauty is something that you have to be in the right state of mind to see. I always thought other people were ugly. I always found flaws in them, but that was only because FIRST- I found flaws in myself. But my mindset has been altered. I now see the beauty in things.

It's not always about money or who has the nicest car, but who loves you the most. Leaving OSU, the only person I can think of who just loved me for me and I just loved him for him is David Lanier. I am sure there are a few more names hidden here and there, but it never was the flyest guy who showed me love- but it damn for sure was the realest.

I guess I will have a year to REALLY think about things (if that's long enough). Then again I will have a whole year to MOVE on with my life. Hopefully somewhere in there Big Time and I will be together, because I truly do love him, but if not- well, I will just have to live with that. Like he once told me- we are on the same page- even when we don't speak... we know we are both thinking the same thing; words can go unsaid. Just the same, some things are better left undone, some feelings unexpressed and some business unfinished!

Bent Not Broken

Rules, why are the really made. Some say that they're meant to be broken, while others go with the concept of JUST bending them. Which ever you feel, it seems there is no time when one completely goes by the rules. Never cry over someone who isn't worth you tears. The irony in that statement is apparent because the ones who are worth my tears never make me cry! Never choose a male "friend" over a female "friend, friend being the operative word on one hand meaning lover and on the other meaning disguised foes. In a world so cold where people no longer know how to love, how is it possible for a person who STILL has love in their heart to act on it?

Right now I am so far beyond hate that I don't know what to do with myself. I know that there are people out there constantly talking about me, but it's time to let childish things go. I mean, what do they really matter anyway? None of them are putting money in my pocket- and none of them give a damn about my well being. So, instead of harboring on what someone has to say about me- I'd much rather keep it moving. You know! Since they're not putting money in my pocket- focus on my job and finances. And since none of my hater are worried about my well being, and am determined to be in better shape and better health and most importantly, I am convinced that I have to make so detrimental changes in my life to succeed in someone of my unfinished business (my degree, my book, my love life with.... wouldn't you love to know). It may all seem like babbling to you, but this is real life. It's not myspace, facebook or a blog- this is the real. There comes a point in every one's life when they have to admit HATERS do play a role and as much as I "hate" saying it, they have caused a negative affect in my life. But all in the same breath I MUST say that, though the haters bent my I've never been broken. They can't break my stride.

With this move, new job- new city I have decided to bring a new me. Ms New Booty you can call it, lol. I remember when I first arrived at OSU, I found a way to stay out of drama and that was by staying to myself. Once I let "friends" in, thats when it started- and after 6 years of being in Columbus, it's still happening. I will say this, even after I made "friends" and drama started I STILL stayed out of it. When they were going to the club, I NEVER went, I stayed in my dorm and studied. I guess that explains why I got that 3.66 GPA my first quarter here while most others had .somethings. Then, I messed up, and I never got back on the right track. I bent that cycle, but I did not break it! This explains why I am getting back to THAT Lindsay... The no nonsense, stay out of other bitches business and drama type of chick. I am back.

You see this world love to see one fall. Beyonce did it and she popped right back up. Aaliyah said it of her Star Search loose. She got back up and dusted herself off, thus her song "Try Again". The thing I am realizing is that certain things are meant to be never broke, in fact not even bent, while other things are meant to be done away with. The only thing that I have that has been broken is my heart- and the funny thing is, someone probably just meant to "BEND" it, but they didn't realize that with your heart, it's all or nothing. But I feel that if I have had a broken heart for the last 6 years and 8 months (the day He walked out of my life) and I have STILL found someway to move on and make something of my life- success has to be around the corner. Because, I have been hurt BAD, and it's not letting up. So, somethings got to give.

I'm Happy

Through all the bullshit and drama, right now I am so content. I am seeing straight through all the negative things that are being thrown at me left and right. This is so crazy because THIS happiness is all as a result of Big Time, a nigga I haven't talked to in (exactly) two weeks. It's funny when words don't need to be spoken (literally) and you know STILL that you are on the same page as that special person. He is all that matters to me right now. Yea, there are other men who I kick it with here and there- but none of them are serious about me, so I am not going to waste the time to be serious about them. I guess he has touched a part of my heart that I thought had died and I am so glad. I had given up on him time and time again... and when I called him to end everything- he told me everything I've ever wanted a man to say to me. Unedited, straight from the heart.

People have a lot of negative things to say about me, but sometimes it takes a person who has been through the same shit as you- have to judge you. The bitches who came up in paradise- I couldn't care less about what they think of me. The niggas who are mad I wouldn't let em' fuck- I couldn't give a damn about em'. But a man who has been through it all- I respect his opinion of me. It means so much coming from him. I once read an anthology- and for the life of me, here four years later I can't locate the passage (the anthology is over 2000 pgs long & I'll be damned if I reread it for 20 lines), but it's basically an African American female writer pleading that she would never want a white person to write a biography about her life. While all they would see, define and acknowledge is the fact the she grew up poor- they would never be able to fathom, preserve the fact nor present that she was all along HAPPY!

Real Talk

OK, so first and foremost... fuck Facebook's honesty box. All it is is a tool for cowardly bitches to take a shot at you and for niggas who are too shy to approach you to find their way! Speaking of cowardly bitches, I got this hoe at Delphi I have to deal with now! She has been apparently pretending to be my girl- trying to roll with me and the whole nine while secretly hating on me behind my back for the last three month. She is after a dude who wants to be with me, so she felt that if she could get us mad at each other she would win him over? HA! Not a shot in hell. See, girls need to realize that once I have made my way into a dudes hears there is no turning them against me. You may get them mad and roweled up for a bit, but once the calm down and have time to think about how great of a person I am, they will be right back. Don't take it as conceit, but I know that I am a real and genuine female- and that's hard to come across in 2007. Just to be honest I know I have an attitude for the ages, but when you have so many other positive aspects of your life- it out weighs a little attitude.

See people have theories on me. Apparently I sabotage friendships? Well, my thoughts on that theory is this- a REAL friendship can not be sabotaged. The fact is, you were never a good friend to begin with so I didn't value you being in my life. You see, when I have been a friend with a person and I stop fucking with them, they always come back and try to get cool with me- so it's quite obvious that if I didn't do the same to you, I never gave a fuck about you. Though I may play the blond role- don't mistake it. I know who my REAL friends are and I know who is just fronting. I know that I have a close acquaintance who throws herself at every niggas she sees me show interest in. She wears her breast out on every day of the week and tries to flaunt because she has nothing to offer. Just the same, I have a friends who does the same with her ass. Tight jeans, super shorts dresses TO THE MALL!!!!!? Whoa, is that all necessary? See, bitches can say a lot about Lindsay- but the can not honestly say I don't have class. The only thing that separates me from the rest of you hoes is I have enough ball, moxy and confidence to call you perpetrating hoes out! I just don't give a fuck! I will tell you how I REALLY feel about you- with no regards. This is the only reason I have ever had DRAMA because I SPEAK HONESTY to you face and don't have to hide anonymously or wait for facebook to add an application! You chicks need to get brave and say what you have to say to my face. Other wise it will go out with the junk mail! & that's REAL TALK!!!

What Do You Do When...

You don't know what to do? In the famous words of my co-worker Matt, "I don't know what I don't know." It's funny, or puzzling rather when someone can profess their love and respect for you yet- they don't answer your calls or return your texts. Paradoxical actually. You can have SO much wrapped up into one person- and they just can't see. No, I can't even say that he doesn't see- because I know he does... but he can't change, not even a little. There comes a point when one has to make a decision and judge whether someone else is worth the drama? i just don't know yet.

I have found an untapped resource in my mind lately. I place full of emotions I never knew I has. The NEED to stick up for my mother. The NEED to stick up for my father. The NEED to stick up for my "immediate" family. It's funny that even the family members you THINK are your closest can sometimes be the most hateful, deceitful and conniving persons alive. What is it all about I ask; jealousy? What would cause a sister to downplay the pain and suffering her two older sibling went through? SATAN! What would cause a cousin to back stab the one who they have ALWAYS looked up to? SATAN! I can't worry about it because it is all in Yahweh's hands. What I do know is this, though my mother may have a sister, she raised me in a much different manner than that which her sister raised her children and though we are cousins- we are far from alike. I watch what I say and if I wanted to I KNOW ENOUGH TO MAKE AN EMPIRE FALL... I don't have to go on fallacy and exaggerate/make shit up. I know what I am talking about and there is no way that a female who is a child at heart could ever phase any part of my life. I just pray for my family- because ignorance takes people down & hatred keeps them down!

Regardless of what is happening in my personal life, I have made the decision to never let things bother me- whether they are too positive or too negative. Meaning, sometimes you think things are too good (positive) to be true and sometimes it seems you life could never get and worse. But as I said before, we have to make a conscious decision to make our life what it needs to be.

Now and RIGHT now, I am making the conscious decision to love Big Time and no one else. I know it make cause me a lot of pain and things are always up in the air, but I believe in him and I know he is worth it. Like he told me, we are friends- and that is before everything else. I can't worry about the future- I can't only deal with that which is in front of me THE FUTURE! And furthermore, I hope that he is my future- if it turns out that he isn't, I don't know what to do. I don't know what I don't know!

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Let shit go! Plain and simply- bull SHIT is not worth harboring. Yahweh has already predetermined EVERYTHING so rather than fretting over something you have NO control over- know that it's in HIS hands and already done! I find peace in that. Most things that use to bother me before, I don't give a damn about. I know my life is tailor made!

I remember watching an episode of CW's The Game where one of the NFL wives was suffers from a breakdown. In this episode the other two female characters Tasha and Melanie advise her to put her husband in check. Though he is the bread winner of the family having a successful NFL career- he suggests that his wife's duties are no as important. She has the breakdown during a very important playoff game which after, she writes a list of objectives she needs to set straight in her marriage... but when Jason leaves in the middle of the game as he hears of his wife's illness, she is so baffled- impressed- and shocked that he would leave anything concerning his career to cater to her, that she discards her list. Well, I said all that to say- this is how I felt about Big Time. When I got back to CO on Monday, I was really upset. I wrote a 2 page poem, which is something I haven't done since 03'. I was sitting around my apartment the next day deciding how I was going to give it to him. By mail? Leave it on his nightstand? Drop it under his door? Windshield? The question was so puzzling to me because I KNOW that I have never given someone a poem I wrote about them and carried out a successful relationship/friendship. It's something about my poems that jinx me- so until I am ready to let someone go, they will NEVER read what I have to say about them! I remember back in 2003 when My Lil' Squirrel stumbled across the poem/rap I wrote about him on my computer. I guess that should have been a sign that I should have let him go before I even got in too deep- but I was to charmed to read the signs.... Too bad!

Anyhow, I couldn't really figure out how to give the poem to Big Time, but I knew that it was time for me to move on. I wouldn't just re-write it neatly or type it out and have it handy next time I visited Cleveland because I knew I wouldn't have to let him go. Needless to say, Yahweh didn't let me do that. Indeed as soon as we got on the phone, it's like Big Time just started pouring out all these feelings. I sat there lying on my bedroom floor (which I NEVER do) with tears pouring, and as I glanced over to the stack a ragged ends of notebook paper that had been pulled out from spirals in time past and time recent- I knew there was no way in hell I was going to forward that last entry to him... NO WAY NO HOW! It's not over!

This is why I am starting to realize that there is not reason in being unhappy- other than the sole purpose of having a contrast so that one can know the difference. While I was sitting there until 4 am writing the drastic poem... then continues all Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons debating on how and when I would give it to him, I never knew what Yahweh had in store for me. By 2:48am on Thursday morning I would be feeling just as Kelly did on The Game- Happy. Just as she had the paper in her hand waiting to tear Jason a new asshole when she saw him, she never expected that he would show up for her. She quickly whisked the paper away under her sheets in the hospital bed, just like I disregarded the poem.

It's funny no matter what my poems are about, happy or sad, I almost always love to go back to the "archives" and read them- but this poem is different. It's over, I am happy- and I am not revisiting those thoughts that were prematurely envisioned.

I Loved This Man My Whole Life

It;s hurts when you find out information about someone from your past in a fucked up way. I am starting to realize that- eventually, one gets over it- as will I. "Charge It To The Game" has a son. A cute little son and he still isn't talking to me!?!? I guess that's alright though, because for the first time since 2001 I am making a conscious effort to move on from him. Well, aside from wishing him happy birthday, I am moving on. It is what it is! It's funny how things like birthdays become excuses for staying in touch with people. As if it is really deemed necessary and priority to wish someone well, when it probably better off if you say nothing at all!

Speaking of birthdays, yesterday was the 26th of Delphi's and somehow in a drunken stupor at Rosie O'Grady's last night, I texted him. Which between 11:38pm and 4:25am- created a string of texts that basically rekindled something. I am not sure what it is but SOME THING! And after talking all that shit, "Here we go again!" ~DMX

Oh yea, and Big Time- that is anything but over, matter of fact after last night I realized that it has just began. The first week of July was kind of an anniversary for us, but to me it seemed as if there was no progression. Well, June marked our first official date! I mean, it wasn't Applebees, I mean the man took me downtown to Hype Park, so it was all good- but the date within it's self was somewhat of a disaster. We pretty much argued the whole time, and though we were just short of making a scene in front of a group of Cleveland's rich White patrons, we calmed down before that arena was penetrated. But as funny as that night went and how ironically he called me as I was stranded downtown in need of a ride last Friday right as he was rolling two streets away, I never thought that he would bless my ears last night. We had one of those monumental discussions of a lifetime that I will not soon forget. I think I had many with Charge It To The Game" one with Esco back in 06' My Lil' Squirrel hit me with one back in 03' but this one succeeded them all. He told me that I was his friend, his REAL friend like on of his niggas. He explained to me that I have the trust that even his mother hasn't merited. Shit, a lot was said, but at 2:48 am he told me I was the strongest woman he has ever known.... and the tears started pouring. Sometimes, NO! All the time, I am such a cry baby! All I can say is that it was an eventful evening...

So, two Negroes from Delphi tried to catch me up as if I ever belonged to either of them. One is a baby daddy twice over and is a known Delphi hoe and the other is living with his FIANCEE' and somewhere in there I was expected to be faithful? Niggas these days!

Anywho- things are looking real up. I am keeping the New York shit under raps- I guess except from the few if any who read this mess! I am loving life and for once it is loving me.