FUCK YOU CANCER

My mother called me twice today in the early afternoon. I didn't want to talk. I have pneumonia and feel drained. I have no clue where I stand with my so-called boyfriend, and I'm not ready to answer any questions about it. But more than anything, I was tired. Tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired. My mom is almost always uplifting, but for some reason I ignored the call. Well, she was persistent. And persistence always makes me fear the worse. With thirty years under my belt of my mom's borderline harrassment-like calls, which always turn out to be about a recipe, a family member I dislike or some other mundane thing, I don't know why I get a rush or worry when I see more than one missed call from her. Today proved to be the reason. My dad has cancer. And now my recent break up doesn't matter. Woes at my job haven't a second thought. Pneumonia is a walk in the part. And all things I thought were the worse in the world now seem like roses.

Tonight, I asked my mom if she thinks my dad knows how much he means to me and she quickly replied, "I think he does." Then I asked her, "Do you know how much you mean to me?" She paused for a long time, began to cry and then replied, "I think so." This means at best, the two people who created me and raised me, the two people who mean the most to me are only partially certain of my love for them. That ain't good. That's not acceptable.

My mom found a lump in her breast and had it removed days before I was born. She's told me the sad story a million times. She was alone. My mom is a trooper. She is the best person I know. My dad will not go through this alone.

When he wouldn't go in for the biopsy weeks ago, my mom threatened to tell us--us meaning me. Before then the possibility had been a secret between the two of them. Anyhow, he refused to go to the appointment and my mom called me. She affectionately said she chose me, the baby, the pitbull of the three, because she knew I would get the job done. I've always been that way. I'd call myself the screw up. My sisters are so perfect. They're such good women--the kind of women I aspire to be. They turn the other cheek. They do unto others. They are always the bigger person. Meanwhile, I am the one who seeks revenge when I know it's not mine. I've gotten better over the years, but when someone starts a thing, I finish it. I always get the last word--even when it's not my battle to fight. If someone wrongs a person I love, my loved one will smile and let it go, but I am the one who steps in and defends his/her honor. So with that being said, my dad will fight this fight quietly, but I am going to be the one who screams out loudly, "FUCK YOU CANCER," with a double flick off to the air. And I hope Cancer hears me. And I hope Cancer fucks off.

The Last Time I Felt Beautiful

Relationship woes have changed me. I will never be the same person again. I think I'll gain confidence back and I will be a better person, eventually, but I won't be the same care free person I once was. I look at everything and everybody completely different. There were women I didn't respect. Now I see, I'd just never been in love before. Being in love will make one do crazy things. I just had a look in the mirror. I had a thought. When was the last time I felt beautiful? I can't remember. I've had cute outfits; I've even fit back into some pre-gaining-weight stunners. I've had numerous good hair days. I've found new makeup tricks. But I see now, the way I feel inside null and voids all those other things. I eat everyday. I'm doing better with my eating habits, but I haven't been feeding my soul. I don't know when or how I will change, but I look forward to it. Everyone doesn't like dark skinned girls. Most days, it seems my boyfriend even doesn't. Everyone doesn't like thick girls. Everyone doesn't like opinionated women. I don't care about all that. I just look forward to the day I look in the mirror and feel beautiful again.

Empty

We ended it and I am not going to lie. I didn't think it was really over. I thought we were bluffing. I thought he loved me. I thought it would all blow over. I was wrong. I fought for seven months. I fought to keep my relationship. I did everything I could think of. I even prayed. Prayer never came naturally for some reason. But I prayed. This relationship made me question and inevitably lose my faith in Yahweh. Now, I am lost and alone. I still pray to Him though. In my heart I know this is a test. I pray for the love of my life too. He will never understand what he means to me. And if I told him, it would fall on deaf ears. So, I will gain military silence. I will let him walk out of my life. I will sit, alone in my apartment and cry myself into insomnia. I will be miserable and unhappy on the inside, but smile on the outside. I will try to live. Right now, I haven't moved off of the couch since he texted me. I can't move. He's coming to get the rest of his things tonight. After that, I will probably go the rest of my life never seeing him. It's crazy. This is the last day I will ever see the love of my life. I can't even wrap my mind around it. I want to die. My thirtieth birthday is a week from today and I don't want to face it. We had so many plans. I've alienated my friends and family, so I will literally be alone. I truly hate myself and I can not understand why life is so ugly. Regardless of the location of my faith, I know there is an Elohim and I know he has to love me...I just can't believe there isn't an opposite to this feeling. There has to be someone who loves me. It has to be Elohim and it's that simple. Today I was unceremoniously thrown away via text message and I am not well. I can't even pretend. My next goal--and this is an expeditious one--is to find a reason and will to live. My heart is dead. I feel so lost. I feel so empty. I can't believe I made it 30 years and I don't have a soul to talk to other than this blog. My best friend never loved me. My best friend isn't my friend at all. I am in love with something that never existed. I will never love again.

Illusion

Hold me close to you and nothing else matters When you leave my sight my entire world shatters Even when you're not there, your place is my home You're the only time I'm happy. You're the only time I'm not alone Lie next to me, put your arm around my body More intimate than making love; you are my favorite hobby But just like water under a bridge, we can't look back With the love came pain to throw us off track I believe in righting wrongs, you believe in giving up You can't see that soul mate is more than staying in love No more nights of dreaming, only nights for mourning And crying over this forever I thought was forming Still I only see you although I know I am replaced Tonight will be last time I look you in the face You took away my forever only to leave me hanging I thought you were happy, I thought I was engaging I use to believe in forever. I use to believe in love That's before I found out there was never an us for Jarhead

Life, Death and Appreciation

As I grow older and wiser I am learning to appreciate simple things about life and the simplest thing death. Death, there is no coming back from that and one will never know his or her last moment on Earth. But life, although more complicated is yet simple. I never knew about the purity of love. I always heard "God is love." And I always knew Yahweh is pure spirit, but I never put the two together. When you love someone it's simple. You can not control it and you can't control love's strength. There is nothing someone can do or say to make love non existent. But caring about someone? That's another beast. Caring is when you love someone and it matters. That love shakes you. I always thought caring came first, but I was wrong. Caring might never come at all. You can have love without caring, but I don't think you can care without loving. This is my opinion. I met someone a while ago who made believe he cared about me then he promptly went on to show me he couldn't care less. There is no thing like being risen on a platform--let's call it a pedestal, only to be dropped. I respect the people who drop you where you stand. It takes a certain kind of evil to build a person up only to let them down. In these last thirty years I have learned to love and appreciate. I never knew how to hate, I am happy to say. My parents taught me respect and somewhere along the way I realized how important these things are in life, death and beyond. This may seem like mindless babbling, but there is a point. If you have had the pleasure to live, love and be loved you're lucky. If you somehow learned to respect your lover you're one of few. If you got to show your lover how much you appreciate them they are lucky. And if somehow in the midst of it all you loved your lover back with the same amount of love? If you did this before death, you truly lived. If you didn't, you only existed. I exist, but I pray I will one day live.