Monday, April 27, 2009
Standing On A Promise
Tonight just changed me. RIP to Mrs. Latimore. RIP to Aunt Pig. I loved them and they loved me. When they were here, I appreciated every moment we had together. Now, they are gone. Kiara is still here and I am praying for her. She is THE sweetest little baby.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Lucky Charms
Do you see my writing improving as type? I do! HA-HA! I've been revising my writing samples for McGraw-Hill all frickin' morning and I am starting to drive myself nuts. Checking grammar, referring to OSU's editorial style guide, and then referring to my business writing handbook is killing me softly. It's just all too much. I can not wait until the day comes when I just know all the rules and styles by heart. The day when this stuff is second nature is the day my happiness begins.
So, now I am taking a break, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and trying not to spoil my appetite too much because I am taking Talon to First Watch for her birthday breakfast!
My life is so incredibly simple, yet complicated. I never know what's going to go wrong and more importantly I never know what's going to go right. For two weeks, my car has had Tourettes. I finally had it towed up to Midas and the mechanic told me my Catalytic converters are ALL bad? "$4200 worth of work" he said? Yeah right, does that guy think I was born yesterday? All I know is, I paid him $94 for the diagnostic test and somewhere in diagnosing the damn car-he got it to start. So, as far as I am concerned, Yahweh hooked me up and I will not worry about the thing until it won't start up again.
Yahweh always has a way of working things out. I am starting to get to the point where I don't stress myself out with worrying anymore. I just have to keep reminding myself, he creates the solution before he creates the problem. As soon as something starts going wrong, I just wait on it to go right. And when it doesn't go right at my comfort level, I look for the meaning. Men leaving, cars breaking down, and being broke are all symptoms. They are symptoms that Yahweh wants me to open my eyes about something.
Maybe my car broke down for two weeks because I needed to focus on these writing samples. If I had had transportation, I probably would have been out doing things that don't make sense rather than buckling down on my studies. So, now that I do have a car, instead of getting up on this Saturday morning and hitting the stores as they open, I am revising, and revising, and revising some more.
Maybe that's what life is all about, revisions. We need to change our lives for the better in the same way we revise a paper. Revise and revise and revise. And when we're sick of revising, give our eyes a rest, go to sleep, and wake-up the next morning to do it all over again. We'll never be perfect. And even when our family and friends recognize our improvements or just convince themselves that we are perfect all the way around, remember, just as someone writing in a different style will look at a paper and see errors that don't apply, there will always be those who have a different style and will dislike everything about our lives. Instead of catering to them, the people who hate you, continue on your path. Keep revising to fit the style that you're aiming for. One day, your papers will be made of Pulitzer material and your life will be made of happiness.
So, now I am taking a break, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and trying not to spoil my appetite too much because I am taking Talon to First Watch for her birthday breakfast!
My life is so incredibly simple, yet complicated. I never know what's going to go wrong and more importantly I never know what's going to go right. For two weeks, my car has had Tourettes. I finally had it towed up to Midas and the mechanic told me my Catalytic converters are ALL bad? "$4200 worth of work" he said? Yeah right, does that guy think I was born yesterday? All I know is, I paid him $94 for the diagnostic test and somewhere in diagnosing the damn car-he got it to start. So, as far as I am concerned, Yahweh hooked me up and I will not worry about the thing until it won't start up again.
Yahweh always has a way of working things out. I am starting to get to the point where I don't stress myself out with worrying anymore. I just have to keep reminding myself, he creates the solution before he creates the problem. As soon as something starts going wrong, I just wait on it to go right. And when it doesn't go right at my comfort level, I look for the meaning. Men leaving, cars breaking down, and being broke are all symptoms. They are symptoms that Yahweh wants me to open my eyes about something.
Maybe my car broke down for two weeks because I needed to focus on these writing samples. If I had had transportation, I probably would have been out doing things that don't make sense rather than buckling down on my studies. So, now that I do have a car, instead of getting up on this Saturday morning and hitting the stores as they open, I am revising, and revising, and revising some more.
Maybe that's what life is all about, revisions. We need to change our lives for the better in the same way we revise a paper. Revise and revise and revise. And when we're sick of revising, give our eyes a rest, go to sleep, and wake-up the next morning to do it all over again. We'll never be perfect. And even when our family and friends recognize our improvements or just convince themselves that we are perfect all the way around, remember, just as someone writing in a different style will look at a paper and see errors that don't apply, there will always be those who have a different style and will dislike everything about our lives. Instead of catering to them, the people who hate you, continue on your path. Keep revising to fit the style that you're aiming for. One day, your papers will be made of Pulitzer material and your life will be made of happiness.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Good Will
Back up against the wall, all I know-to-do is attack.
Still, my back is up against the wall, so I can't look back.
NO REGRETS, there's a gift and a curse to every situation.
Either take a seat to defeat or use it as motivation.
No friends? Well that means no worrying about pulling a knife out of my spine.
No man? No need to worry about someone else having what's mine.
One can only go south so far before they end up-up north.
Instead of fighting, just realize that bad things must run their course.
When you're thirsty drink water, hungry eat bread.
Hurting? Accept love and let you're heart be fed.
We seem to put so much stock into our physical lives with no questions asked.
But when it comes to what really counts we are so quick to pass.
Pass on good love, pass on peace of mind.
We pass on the only things that are worth anything in life.
People are always going to look down on you, so let those people walk by.
And remember THEY are the ones with their heads down while your head is to the sky.
Optimism is good in theory, but realism is easier to practice and preach.
So practice being optimistic and go for what's in your reach.
And one day you won't have to worry about the glass being half empty
Because your cup will run over and your plate will be plenty.
Still, my back is up against the wall, so I can't look back.
NO REGRETS, there's a gift and a curse to every situation.
Either take a seat to defeat or use it as motivation.
No friends? Well that means no worrying about pulling a knife out of my spine.
No man? No need to worry about someone else having what's mine.
One can only go south so far before they end up-up north.
Instead of fighting, just realize that bad things must run their course.
When you're thirsty drink water, hungry eat bread.
Hurting? Accept love and let you're heart be fed.
We seem to put so much stock into our physical lives with no questions asked.
But when it comes to what really counts we are so quick to pass.
Pass on good love, pass on peace of mind.
We pass on the only things that are worth anything in life.
People are always going to look down on you, so let those people walk by.
And remember THEY are the ones with their heads down while your head is to the sky.
Optimism is good in theory, but realism is easier to practice and preach.
So practice being optimistic and go for what's in your reach.
And one day you won't have to worry about the glass being half empty
Because your cup will run over and your plate will be plenty.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Drawing a Blank
I didn't know why it was funny, but I laughed anyway.
I figured it was an inside joke; I'd find the path in eventually.
I didn't think the joke was on me, and couldn't see through the lies.
His smile was put on as a front, a mere disguise.
I confused the punishment with the prize, but things became clearer.
Made the near fatal mistake of writing it off as a rookie error.
Now, it's my mentality; my judgement is not exactly good.
Have the "coulda," and the "woulda" down packed, yet I never consider the should.
Could is the future; would is the past. Should is the here and now.
I let my present slip right by me while I'm hypnotized by his smile.
He has me so discombobulated; I have no clue where to turn.
Should I build a future with him, or should I let it burn?
Should I fight for him; is he something worth being earned?
Should I just K.I.M., and take this as a lesson learned?
Should I draw my gun and kill him where he stands?
Or, should I draw a blank and accept him as my man?
I figured it was an inside joke; I'd find the path in eventually.
I didn't think the joke was on me, and couldn't see through the lies.
His smile was put on as a front, a mere disguise.
I confused the punishment with the prize, but things became clearer.
Made the near fatal mistake of writing it off as a rookie error.
Now, it's my mentality; my judgement is not exactly good.
Have the "coulda," and the "woulda" down packed, yet I never consider the should.
Could is the future; would is the past. Should is the here and now.
I let my present slip right by me while I'm hypnotized by his smile.
He has me so discombobulated; I have no clue where to turn.
Should I build a future with him, or should I let it burn?
Should I fight for him; is he something worth being earned?
Should I just K.I.M., and take this as a lesson learned?
Should I draw my gun and kill him where he stands?
Or, should I draw a blank and accept him as my man?
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Don't Worry; Be Happy
With experience comes lessons learned. Though there are many times when one would like to say, "fuck a lesson," it's best to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move along. That's where I am right now. I can't really say I have any regrets, for I know Yahweh has this all mapped out, but there are so many times when I lose faith, feel down, give up. Instead, now, I am going to consciously keep faith, go hard, and stay determined.
Men come and go, and many of their leaving is accompanied by a sigh of relief. But, when you're an optimistic person like I am, you start to remember the past only fondly. You forget about the tears and only recall the smiles. Then out of no where, you find yourself wanting a dog back. I am learning, that even in the more strenuous situations, there is a breaking point. There is a point when you need to let someone go and stop making a fool of yourself. It's okay to be a sucker for love, it's okay to play the fool, it's okay to let go of pride- when and only when reciprocity is guaranteed. You never realize what you're giving up until you are left empty handed.
I refuse to be left empty handed again. There is no reason in putting stock into something, then when it is time for you to collect the interest- bailing. I'd rather be bailed out than to leave my earnings behind!
Success really is the best revenge. Never call, or text, or e-mail to let someone know how you're doing. Let them wonder how you're doing. And, if they never ask- you never mattered. And if you don't matter, why should they? It's a dog eat dog world and if you aren't FOR SELF, you will get run over. As for me and my house? I am going to switch lanes, I'll even turn off my headlights to lose someone tailing me. I'm going to speed through yellow lights. I'm going to cut people off and never look in my rear view mirror to see if I've caused an accident. On a suspended license, with a blood alcohol level two times the limit, I'm going to side swipe, rear end, broad side- WHATEVER TO GET TO MY DESTINATION! Straight Nascar, I refuse to be second. Whether my journey ends at the gas station reing up for another road trip or on a suicide high speed chase with the cops, I'm going to get there or die trying.
" 'Cause all I do is dress and rest, 'cause love don't live here anymore." ~Jessie Poetic Justice
Men come and go, and many of their leaving is accompanied by a sigh of relief. But, when you're an optimistic person like I am, you start to remember the past only fondly. You forget about the tears and only recall the smiles. Then out of no where, you find yourself wanting a dog back. I am learning, that even in the more strenuous situations, there is a breaking point. There is a point when you need to let someone go and stop making a fool of yourself. It's okay to be a sucker for love, it's okay to play the fool, it's okay to let go of pride- when and only when reciprocity is guaranteed. You never realize what you're giving up until you are left empty handed.
I refuse to be left empty handed again. There is no reason in putting stock into something, then when it is time for you to collect the interest- bailing. I'd rather be bailed out than to leave my earnings behind!
Success really is the best revenge. Never call, or text, or e-mail to let someone know how you're doing. Let them wonder how you're doing. And, if they never ask- you never mattered. And if you don't matter, why should they? It's a dog eat dog world and if you aren't FOR SELF, you will get run over. As for me and my house? I am going to switch lanes, I'll even turn off my headlights to lose someone tailing me. I'm going to speed through yellow lights. I'm going to cut people off and never look in my rear view mirror to see if I've caused an accident. On a suspended license, with a blood alcohol level two times the limit, I'm going to side swipe, rear end, broad side- WHATEVER TO GET TO MY DESTINATION! Straight Nascar, I refuse to be second. Whether my journey ends at the gas station reing up for another road trip or on a suicide high speed chase with the cops, I'm going to get there or die trying.
" 'Cause all I do is dress and rest, 'cause love don't live here anymore." ~Jessie Poetic Justice
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Peace
I don't know where I am in life anymore. I feel like I am at an in between stage. Night quite up, no quite down, but I'll be damned if I can this area neutral or LUKE WARM. I'm just in a place where equilibrium is off, but I can't say I'm unhappy. This are looking up. I am just ready to see where Yahweh is going to take me.
There are no prospects in my life, as of now. Yes, Alias is still stringing me along, and I have a couple fine brothers who I text and facebook with every now and again, but my heart isn't dropping the same way it use to. I guess, with Alias, this time around, this last delusional relationship has really drained me. In theory I want to be with someone, but I don't have the energy and at this point I am unwilling to make the time. I guess this is the best time to focus on class and school. This is the best time to put my best foot forward in other areas of my life. Graduation is 21 weeks away, and will be here before I know it. Then what? What will be my excuse? What will be holding me back from the real world? Nothing!
Glenn Johnson, I guy I met on the Internet nearly 10 years ago just published a book. I bought it and it just arrived today. I will hopefully read it in it's entirety tonight. I hope that A Thousand Chances will bring me some inspiration. I'm totally unmotivated and losing faith. I don't know why, but it's most likely because of the lack of progression over the last few months. I hope that Yahweh gets me on my game and brings some friends (no matter whether they're male or female) into my life that will shine light on me and my situations. I never want another Alias, not another Mustang aka Caddy, no more 5th Aves or Candle Lights, Big Times, Maize & Blues, Charge It To The Games, 4s, 1550s, Peter Pans, Polarises... basically, I don't want anymore men who don't know my worth, then their better than me, low down dog type niggas. I'm done with those kinds of men, if that mean me dating no more Black men- so be it. I never felt this way before, but the next White man to holler at me, I'm not turning him down. Maybe this is the way Yahweh wants it to be. I'm fine with that, I at peace.
There are no prospects in my life, as of now. Yes, Alias is still stringing me along, and I have a couple fine brothers who I text and facebook with every now and again, but my heart isn't dropping the same way it use to. I guess, with Alias, this time around, this last delusional relationship has really drained me. In theory I want to be with someone, but I don't have the energy and at this point I am unwilling to make the time. I guess this is the best time to focus on class and school. This is the best time to put my best foot forward in other areas of my life. Graduation is 21 weeks away, and will be here before I know it. Then what? What will be my excuse? What will be holding me back from the real world? Nothing!
Glenn Johnson, I guy I met on the Internet nearly 10 years ago just published a book. I bought it and it just arrived today. I will hopefully read it in it's entirety tonight. I hope that A Thousand Chances will bring me some inspiration. I'm totally unmotivated and losing faith. I don't know why, but it's most likely because of the lack of progression over the last few months. I hope that Yahweh gets me on my game and brings some friends (no matter whether they're male or female) into my life that will shine light on me and my situations. I never want another Alias, not another Mustang aka Caddy, no more 5th Aves or Candle Lights, Big Times, Maize & Blues, Charge It To The Games, 4s, 1550s, Peter Pans, Polarises... basically, I don't want anymore men who don't know my worth, then their better than me, low down dog type niggas. I'm done with those kinds of men, if that mean me dating no more Black men- so be it. I never felt this way before, but the next White man to holler at me, I'm not turning him down. Maybe this is the way Yahweh wants it to be. I'm fine with that, I at peace.
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