Since when is asking a woman to be your girlfriend not leading her on? Men get less and less creative with the conniving ways in which that DECIDE to be jerks, every f'n day. Less than a month ago I had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend, and now a mere two weeks later he is acting like he never led me on, and to think- I thought we had something? Well, apparently we did not have a thing going on- unbeknown to me. This time around, I can't even be mad at him. Some people are just incapable of being loved. It's a sad but true fact.
I am making a conscious decision from here on forth NOT to date men who didn't have their fathers in their lives growing up, because honestly- the records are showing that these types of men aren't men at all. They don't know how to even recognize a real woman, so it's impossible from them to know how to treat what they can't know. I am in no way going to date men who have mother issues. If all you can say about your mother is, she didn't want to have a boy, so she named me the first boy name in the baby book because she didn't care, than- you are definitely not the man for me!
I can't promise a lot, but I can promise this- I am finished. Men amuse me at this point. They are so fucking predictable. The same shit he was spitting in the summer of 2007 is the same shit he was texting me last night. He hasn't grown as a person at all! He hasn't evolved, progressed or matured. I can not associate with a person like that, and a man like that is not worthy of my friendship.
I need a person who is man enough to admit he likes me. He doesn't let his friends dictate how he moves. He doesn't let his pride get in the way of what could be the most important relationship of his adult life. I can't even play this like Disappear. I didn't miss any of the signs! I didn't skip a beat. AJ's laughter, Faith's jealousy. The over abundance of blatant disrespect (putting his friend's hand on my butt, really? I we 12 now?) I over looked at Icon that night. I saw it all coming. Was this a set up or was this a set up? Luckily, I was wise enough to call a spade a spade, or a dog a dog. I was wise enough to not let my guard down, I didn't even waste a kiss on him. I am lucky that I have hating ass bitches for friends, because all I lost was $50 on a dinner and couple nights worth of time. It could have been so much worse. Thank God, those hating ass friends led me away from the rest of the shit I was going to do. I am sooooo happy! Fool me once, shame on Mustang! Fool me twice, shame on Lindsay.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday Came and Went, Thank You Yahshua
Praying is so under- rated. Even when one doesn't pray out loud. Even when one is too embarrassed to even ask Yahweh for Mercy, he saves. Man, I am not even trying to be on a super religion "trip" but I feel like a new person. Friday came and went, and I was sweating bullets- shitting bricks. Saturday came, and I didn't know what to do, really I felt like killing myself. I wasted money, three times over, then went it hit the fan, Yahweh came through. Now, it's a soft Sunday evening and I am sitting here with a celebratory Raspberry Sorbeto Martini watching NCAA tournaments, with a night full of blogging ahead. YAY
THE
He was high, I was drunk.
Blame it on the weed or the vodka, but he fulfilled my wants.
But, I wish he would fulfill my needs.
Diamond with a platinum band, bend to one knee.
But the 4 lines above are just a day dream.
Things are not always what they seem.
People judge people instead of judging themselves.
Expiration dating, we're spoiled before we leave the shelf.
Spoiled when he's in his parents' house-
they told him he is too good for a girl this loud,
for a girl this dark, girl from the ghetto.
Little does he know that us together, I'd be the one to settle.
But he won't give it a chance, so I just stick to Facebook.
See if he has any new tagged pics that I can get a look.
Or I make my profile on myspace public and hope that he visits my page.
He once told me he reads this blog regularly, so I try to keep him engaged.
Then maybe THAT night will come when we're both in sync.
To high to resist, to drunk to think.
Blame it on the weed or the vodka, but he fulfilled my wants.
But, I wish he would fulfill my needs.
Diamond with a platinum band, bend to one knee.
But the 4 lines above are just a day dream.
Things are not always what they seem.
People judge people instead of judging themselves.
Expiration dating, we're spoiled before we leave the shelf.
Spoiled when he's in his parents' house-
they told him he is too good for a girl this loud,
for a girl this dark, girl from the ghetto.
Little does he know that us together, I'd be the one to settle.
But he won't give it a chance, so I just stick to Facebook.
See if he has any new tagged pics that I can get a look.
Or I make my profile on myspace public and hope that he visits my page.
He once told me he reads this blog regularly, so I try to keep him engaged.
Then maybe THAT night will come when we're both in sync.
To high to resist, to drunk to think.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I Don't Know What To Think
I keep telling myself to be faithful and pray, but I am so nervous. It's crazy when you're fate is in the hands of another and you just have to wait for them to say yay or nay. This life changing decision, whether it be yay or nay has me going nuts. As if it's not enough to have this crazy tooth ache, finals weeks and start a new gig all in one week- I have this on my mind as well. I know at the end of the day Yahweh will take care of me. I guess that's more of a reason for me not to worry right now. But, every time I disobey him (even slightly) something like this happens. I sometimes wonder if it's punishment? I get myself into the darnedest situations... and just keep digging the ditch deeper.
If everything pans out the way I know it will (just fine), I am not going to make a lot of false promises to Yahweh. I will say, that I must ask him to bring me through everything and make me a better person. A lot of the bullshit I get myself into- I know is wrong. Even as I am doing it, I already feel regret and guilt, yet I can't help myself. All I can do is ask and hope that his will is my wish.
As of now, I am holding my breath and waiting for relief. I can not wait until Friday!
If everything pans out the way I know it will (just fine), I am not going to make a lot of false promises to Yahweh. I will say, that I must ask him to bring me through everything and make me a better person. A lot of the bullshit I get myself into- I know is wrong. Even as I am doing it, I already feel regret and guilt, yet I can't help myself. All I can do is ask and hope that his will is my wish.
As of now, I am holding my breath and waiting for relief. I can not wait until Friday!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Just Pray
I had a conversation with Alias a few months back that has sparked a lot of thought since. I called him while I was home (Cleveland) and he didn't answer... which unfortunately is usually the case. I gave him a couple hours (then out of desperation) and I called again, this time he actually answered! He said that the first time I called he was praying and by the time he finished, it slipped his mind to call him back. At that point, in a somewhat offensive tone I blurted out, "you pray?" and he returned my nastiness by replying, "I Muslim aren't I!"
I try not be judgemental, but when people don't have the same thought process as I do, I tend to think of them as heathens, so it always surprises me when such people have strong religious beliefs.
I went over his house that night a few hours later. He was preparing to go to bed and I was preparing to "coincidentally" fall asleep and he spoke out a checklist the last item being, now I have to pray. At that moment I really started thinking about prayer.
According to some ministers at the IDMR, prayer doesn't change anything. I've always taken that statement with face value. I believe that Yahweh has everything preordained, and my little thoughts are not going to change anything, so why should I pray- has always been my logic. But then after seeing Alias' devotion to his religion, I started to reconsider. The first though that popped into my head is the fact that it's been said that prayer doesn't change anything, yet at the beginning of each and every session we have a prayer. With that being said I consulted my mother about the subject.
She quoted a scripture which I believe to be II Thes. 2:3 (but don't quote me on that, however I am 100% sure it's in one of the Thessalonians) Pray without ceasing. She then went on to explain to simply, prayer does not change anything. But, if you prayer, and you're prayer comes to pass 1, whatever you prayed about must have already been in Yahweh purpose, pattern, and plan and 2 it must have also been in his purpose that you would pray to ask for those things... I just never thought of it that way.
After we had that conversation, I began ATTEMPTING to pray on the daily basis. It is a hard things to implement after years of absence. One night, I was so heavily laden with stress that I spoke to Yahweh out loud and I really felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Right now, I am really worried about a close friend. She just found out she is pregnant. When friends have babies, it always seems like out friendship ends. I guess I am kind of worried about myself too, all I can do is pray. Sometimes all one can do is let go and let Yah! I looked up the definition for pray and it said the following,
It seems most people pray to ask for something. The funny thing is, while prayer does help us to keep our sanity, prayer is all about Him. I don't know where this life is leading me, but I just want to be happy. I want my family to be in good health physically and most importantly spiritually. I want to meet a man who loves me and I him equally, because I am sick of situations like Alias where they mean everything and I nothing. I want to finish school and hopefully post grad as well. Ultimately, I want Yahweh to be pleased with my whole life and who I am. I believe that this all will come to pass, Halleluyah!
I try not be judgemental, but when people don't have the same thought process as I do, I tend to think of them as heathens, so it always surprises me when such people have strong religious beliefs.
I went over his house that night a few hours later. He was preparing to go to bed and I was preparing to "coincidentally" fall asleep and he spoke out a checklist the last item being, now I have to pray. At that moment I really started thinking about prayer.
According to some ministers at the IDMR, prayer doesn't change anything. I've always taken that statement with face value. I believe that Yahweh has everything preordained, and my little thoughts are not going to change anything, so why should I pray- has always been my logic. But then after seeing Alias' devotion to his religion, I started to reconsider. The first though that popped into my head is the fact that it's been said that prayer doesn't change anything, yet at the beginning of each and every session we have a prayer. With that being said I consulted my mother about the subject.
She quoted a scripture which I believe to be II Thes. 2:3 (but don't quote me on that, however I am 100% sure it's in one of the Thessalonians) Pray without ceasing. She then went on to explain to simply, prayer does not change anything. But, if you prayer, and you're prayer comes to pass 1, whatever you prayed about must have already been in Yahweh purpose, pattern, and plan and 2 it must have also been in his purpose that you would pray to ask for those things... I just never thought of it that way.
After we had that conversation, I began ATTEMPTING to pray on the daily basis. It is a hard things to implement after years of absence. One night, I was so heavily laden with stress that I spoke to Yahweh out loud and I really felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Right now, I am really worried about a close friend. She just found out she is pregnant. When friends have babies, it always seems like out friendship ends. I guess I am kind of worried about myself too, all I can do is pray. Sometimes all one can do is let go and let Yah! I looked up the definition for pray and it said the following,
to offer devout petition, praise, thanks, etc
It seems most people pray to ask for something. The funny thing is, while prayer does help us to keep our sanity, prayer is all about Him. I don't know where this life is leading me, but I just want to be happy. I want my family to be in good health physically and most importantly spiritually. I want to meet a man who loves me and I him equally, because I am sick of situations like Alias where they mean everything and I nothing. I want to finish school and hopefully post grad as well. Ultimately, I want Yahweh to be pleased with my whole life and who I am. I believe that this all will come to pass, Halleluyah!
"The name shall endure forever. The name shall continue as long as the sun will. Men shall be blessed in him. All nations shall call him blessed. In your name, I pray."
~Beyonce, Jay- Z Pray
Friday, March 13, 2009
Somethings Just Aren't Meant To Be
There will always be those women who are prettier and put together better than I am and there will always be those men who follow them. Those men usually think that a girl like me isn't good enough, but that's not true. In reality, I am good enough, maybe even better, but so many times my confidence is so weak that I only allow myself to see a delusion as reality.
No one is prettier than the next person. Contrary to the quite disturbing blog post Darryl Dunning insisted I read early this morning (3am), light skin has nothing to do with it. (Side note: Darryl has to be the biggest idiot I have ever met since living in Columbus!) Body type also has nothing to do with it. The amount of degrees (or lack of for that matter) all have nothing to do with how beautiful a person is. Just like any lottery winner will confess, it's all about consistency and being in the right place at the right time.
I am a firm believer in predestination. Every second is accounted for and though I sometimes entertain the thought, there is no such thing as coincidence. Everything is about fate. If I happen to have a clear mind on a pretty day and run into a man who also is light on his feet at that same time, it will be love at first sight. But, if I were to meet that same man the day before and it was raining, or I someone has just cut me off in traffic earlier or he has just lost a bet on the Cavs... we might not have even noticed one another.
I've noticed plenty of men. Many of them have gone on to play at the professional level, some have received multiple degrees and lots of them are now loving husbands and devoted fathers(basically, they're all successful). My judgement is not bad, it never was and never will be. For some reason, what people think of me has always been far from the truth. Ugly, conceited, ungrateful, mean... these are all terms I've heard more than once, but never once have I looked at myself that way. I guess I'm just happy with the life that Yahweh has given me. I'm not light skinned and my hair isn't down my back, but I have a nice figure and a beautiful smile. There is always give and take, no one has everything... except for those who are smart enough to realize that what they have been given is divine.
So, just as every moments is planned, that is true of the way I look and the way I act. My life has already been written, I just haven't read the script in it's entirety yet. The men who I like, and have tried to be with, that don't show mutual feelings are just going to have to be a part of my past, because I am sick of playing the fool. If I am not good enough? I guess that's just the way it's going to have to be. What's meant to happen will happen.
No one is prettier than the next person. Contrary to the quite disturbing blog post Darryl Dunning insisted I read early this morning (3am), light skin has nothing to do with it. (Side note: Darryl has to be the biggest idiot I have ever met since living in Columbus!) Body type also has nothing to do with it. The amount of degrees (or lack of for that matter) all have nothing to do with how beautiful a person is. Just like any lottery winner will confess, it's all about consistency and being in the right place at the right time.
I am a firm believer in predestination. Every second is accounted for and though I sometimes entertain the thought, there is no such thing as coincidence. Everything is about fate. If I happen to have a clear mind on a pretty day and run into a man who also is light on his feet at that same time, it will be love at first sight. But, if I were to meet that same man the day before and it was raining, or I someone has just cut me off in traffic earlier or he has just lost a bet on the Cavs... we might not have even noticed one another.
I've noticed plenty of men. Many of them have gone on to play at the professional level, some have received multiple degrees and lots of them are now loving husbands and devoted fathers(basically, they're all successful). My judgement is not bad, it never was and never will be. For some reason, what people think of me has always been far from the truth. Ugly, conceited, ungrateful, mean... these are all terms I've heard more than once, but never once have I looked at myself that way. I guess I'm just happy with the life that Yahweh has given me. I'm not light skinned and my hair isn't down my back, but I have a nice figure and a beautiful smile. There is always give and take, no one has everything... except for those who are smart enough to realize that what they have been given is divine.
So, just as every moments is planned, that is true of the way I look and the way I act. My life has already been written, I just haven't read the script in it's entirety yet. The men who I like, and have tried to be with, that don't show mutual feelings are just going to have to be a part of my past, because I am sick of playing the fool. If I am not good enough? I guess that's just the way it's going to have to be. What's meant to happen will happen.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Frontin' (A Poem I Just Wrote A Couple Of Minutes Ago)
"Out of sight out of mind"- sounds good in theory
But if you could live inside my mind and witness the thoughts I'm hearing
If you could live inside my heart, you'd have company because that's where he resides
But if you could mimic the face that underneath my feelings hide
you'd win an Oscar, you'd win at poker, you'd be the best model for sculptors
The stories I pretend don't exist would win Pulitzers for authors
Win innocent verdicts for the guilty without representation
Have a man believing, "You are the father" without having had relations
It's really, "out of sight so I won't talk about it," now it's bottled up and I'm weary
And my playing like I have allergies every time your name comes up and my eyes get teary
Or laughing out loud while I'm falling apart inside
Wishing that instead of bottling up my pride wouldn't stand in the way of letting me confide
Like Writer's block hates on my Faulkner
Stunts my young Alice Walker
The life in my poems is killed by emasculation
The stories of my life ended by political assassinations
But if you could live inside my mind and witness the thoughts I'm hearing
If you could live inside my heart, you'd have company because that's where he resides
But if you could mimic the face that underneath my feelings hide
you'd win an Oscar, you'd win at poker, you'd be the best model for sculptors
The stories I pretend don't exist would win Pulitzers for authors
Win innocent verdicts for the guilty without representation
Have a man believing, "You are the father" without having had relations
It's really, "out of sight so I won't talk about it," now it's bottled up and I'm weary
And my playing like I have allergies every time your name comes up and my eyes get teary
Or laughing out loud while I'm falling apart inside
Wishing that instead of bottling up my pride wouldn't stand in the way of letting me confide
Like Writer's block hates on my Faulkner
Stunts my young Alice Walker
The life in my poems is killed by emasculation
The stories of my life ended by political assassinations
Just Trying To Keep My Head Above h2o
Every time I tell someone I can't swim, the first thing they ask me is, "well, can't you at least float," and of course I tell them, "hell naw!"
I have had many frustrations in recent months, or years rather but today, for the first time in a long time I am finally realizing a way to cope with it all. Instead of obsessing over the past, I am going to move on.
There are so many guys I have given affection to tirelessly and finally, I am tired of it. It's crazy how judgemental Black men and more specifically educated Black men have become in these latter days. Many of them walk around with a chip on their shoulders feeling that they are too good for me. Am I not worthy? Even if I weren't, I don't think it's fair for people to judge before they even get a chance to really know me. One can see someone in a club, or even GO to the club with someone and know nothing of their character! One can even call someone their closest friend, but just because someone is their for you, does not mean they count on you to be there for them...
Out of all the people I have befriended over the years, I can not say with confidence that I trust more than two of them. Out of all the people that may have judged me, thought they knew me, etc. I can honestly say none of them were any the wiser...
Erin and I had a conversation yesterday about our childhood. I guess because she and Antone are considering marriage, she decided to tell him a few things about how we grew up. After telling him a few vague details, Antone told her that a lot of things that confused him about her personality now all make sense. That same Ah ha moment came with Emeri of Elise years ago, and I hope that one day I will meet a man who I can tell a few secrets to as well- without having to brace myself for judgement.
From the outside looking in it might seem that my life is really sad, bitter, or unsuccessful, but I have come a long way. East Cleveland. Enough said. My friend Donte says that I complain too much? He says there are some people out there who don't even have a pot to piss in. I replied, really? Funny choice of words!
If I were to tell you a story, you wouldn't even believe me. I know you wouldn't, because I lived it and sometimes- I just can't believe that all the stuff that happened to me- really happened. At this point it's not even the event itself but the memory of it. That's why many times it's best to move on and let shit go, because if you don't, you'll drown in your sorrow and pain. So, while I physically don't know how to swim, figuratively I'm afloat and breathing easy.
I have had many frustrations in recent months, or years rather but today, for the first time in a long time I am finally realizing a way to cope with it all. Instead of obsessing over the past, I am going to move on.
There are so many guys I have given affection to tirelessly and finally, I am tired of it. It's crazy how judgemental Black men and more specifically educated Black men have become in these latter days. Many of them walk around with a chip on their shoulders feeling that they are too good for me. Am I not worthy? Even if I weren't, I don't think it's fair for people to judge before they even get a chance to really know me. One can see someone in a club, or even GO to the club with someone and know nothing of their character! One can even call someone their closest friend, but just because someone is their for you, does not mean they count on you to be there for them...
Out of all the people I have befriended over the years, I can not say with confidence that I trust more than two of them. Out of all the people that may have judged me, thought they knew me, etc. I can honestly say none of them were any the wiser...
Erin and I had a conversation yesterday about our childhood. I guess because she and Antone are considering marriage, she decided to tell him a few things about how we grew up. After telling him a few vague details, Antone told her that a lot of things that confused him about her personality now all make sense. That same Ah ha moment came with Emeri of Elise years ago, and I hope that one day I will meet a man who I can tell a few secrets to as well- without having to brace myself for judgement.
From the outside looking in it might seem that my life is really sad, bitter, or unsuccessful, but I have come a long way. East Cleveland. Enough said. My friend Donte says that I complain too much? He says there are some people out there who don't even have a pot to piss in. I replied, really? Funny choice of words!
If I were to tell you a story, you wouldn't even believe me. I know you wouldn't, because I lived it and sometimes- I just can't believe that all the stuff that happened to me- really happened. At this point it's not even the event itself but the memory of it. That's why many times it's best to move on and let shit go, because if you don't, you'll drown in your sorrow and pain. So, while I physically don't know how to swim, figuratively I'm afloat and breathing easy.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Love People MORE Than People Hate Me
This was my new years resolution in 2008. I don't know how well that went, but I need to start applying it to my everyday life. Being positive, steering away from being condescending and trying to have a positive impact on the world is my goal. I want to make a difference in this world.
So, I have been thinking long and hard about an idea I got about six months ago. I want to start a website. I am not going to disclose all the details so early- but once the project comes to fruition there will be no worries and I can finally talk about it on here. I just want to find a way to reach people, change lives and prosper as an individual.
I am not too sure what is going on in my life anymore. I am doing well in school, and somehow Yahweh is providing financially for me, but I have so much emptiness in my heart. I guess I am kind of scared that I will never talk to Alias again. I also found out that Maize & Blue's "wife" is having twins and he just signed a $1.45 million contract... it could have been me! These men in my past life, I hope they are really happy, because if they aren't- they could have had a woman in their life that would have done anything! There is no limit to what I would have done to make Maize & Blue happy. I am just sick and tired of being the one ALWAYS giving. I am SOOOO tired!
Buying gifts, giving advice, lending a shoulder, it never ends. I am always on the other end of good things. I am always the one who is devoting time and effort to others and I am so upset that when I need support I can never find a soul to reciprocate. I could sit her and blame it on everyone else, but I know it's me. I know I have problems, I know I have issues... I just can't figure out how to sort them out. I love buying gifts, giving advice and lending my shoulder. I don't want to get to the point, and be so upset with counterparts that I start resenting my own good heart. When bitches mean mug me, I want to smile at them in return and have them wondering why they don't like me. When men do me dirty, I want to treat them like Kings and hopefully awaken awareness in them on how to treat a woman, so that maybe they can treat the next lady better. I just want to make a difference, but I am really running out of energy!
So, I have been thinking long and hard about an idea I got about six months ago. I want to start a website. I am not going to disclose all the details so early- but once the project comes to fruition there will be no worries and I can finally talk about it on here. I just want to find a way to reach people, change lives and prosper as an individual.
I am not too sure what is going on in my life anymore. I am doing well in school, and somehow Yahweh is providing financially for me, but I have so much emptiness in my heart. I guess I am kind of scared that I will never talk to Alias again. I also found out that Maize & Blue's "wife" is having twins and he just signed a $1.45 million contract... it could have been me! These men in my past life, I hope they are really happy, because if they aren't- they could have had a woman in their life that would have done anything! There is no limit to what I would have done to make Maize & Blue happy. I am just sick and tired of being the one ALWAYS giving. I am SOOOO tired!
Buying gifts, giving advice, lending a shoulder, it never ends. I am always on the other end of good things. I am always the one who is devoting time and effort to others and I am so upset that when I need support I can never find a soul to reciprocate. I could sit her and blame it on everyone else, but I know it's me. I know I have problems, I know I have issues... I just can't figure out how to sort them out. I love buying gifts, giving advice and lending my shoulder. I don't want to get to the point, and be so upset with counterparts that I start resenting my own good heart. When bitches mean mug me, I want to smile at them in return and have them wondering why they don't like me. When men do me dirty, I want to treat them like Kings and hopefully awaken awareness in them on how to treat a woman, so that maybe they can treat the next lady better. I just want to make a difference, but I am really running out of energy!
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