It's crazy how many people look you in the eyes and smile in your face day to day, while they are secretly plotting your demise. But what's even crazier is when you already see it coming. I feel like lately a lot of what I have been writing in this blog has been bubble gum and bullshit, but even if this doesn't read well (easy- read) and even though it may seem a little scatter brained... this is straight from the heart.
I am so sick of tired of having my guard up; never knowing when someone I THINK is my friend will swing that fatal blow. There are so many men I have adored, but I just CAN'T trust them. There have been so many funny, and talented females I just could never get too close too, because you never know if a bitch is sincere or jealous. Jealousy is the worse thing a female can thrive off of. When a female is jealous, she get delusional. She can't let go. She ever starts to get obsessed about thing that aren't even true. Something leads her to believe that he subject is either super happy or super sad, while all along most people are just fine... OK, at this point I AM babbling and getting off of my point.
From the top, I am just sick and tired of being on the defense. When am I going to have someone in my life who removes all doubts. Someone who I can really relax around! Someone I can open up to, because having so much bottled up and ALWAYS on your mind is not healthy. I use to talk to Derrick a lot- even Howard. But people get older and grow apart. No chance that I will ever have anyone in my life who can replace what they've been to me, but it's time for me to grow up and stop having these "best friends" as stand ins for what is really missing in my life.
For a while now there a few guys who I have taken a liking to. 3 of the guys are in Grad school (Boston, Justice & IDMR) but I guess I need to stop wasting interest in men who aren't interested in me. I mean, I completely understand being focused, but any and everyone can risk a five minute conversation to show they care and I can't even get that once a month. Then there is my homie in Houston- which is basically the largest problem, he is SO FAR AWAY! I just don't know what to do about my love life.
I keep holding on to men that I do not matter to. I am too scared to move on, I feel almost like it's a risk. That AS SOON AS I find someone else, they're going to all of a sudden become available. But really, who am I joking?
I am really happy about the woman I am becoming, but at the same time I KNOW that I deserve a solid and loyal friend-base. I'm sick of other people being unhappy with themselves and taking it out on me. Is it so hard to be a friend and be happy for someone else? I don't get that. Why do my female friends always start off so cool then in up hating me and hating on me. I mean I guess they do both. Can you hate on someone without hating them? I guess that like killing someone without being a killer? Or better yet lying without being a liar. Then you have people who say shit like, "Oh, I use to lie, but I changed, I stopped lying. I'm not a liar anymore." But seriously, that's not trill! That's said with the same conviction of someone saying, "Oh, I once murdered someone, but that was last week. I stopped murdering people. I'm not a murderer!" BULLSHIT! If you murder once you'll always be a murderer, I you lie once you'll always be a liar, If you kill once you'll always be a killer, if you hate on me ONCE you'll always hate me! That really what I believe. I hate things, but I don't hate people. I may get mad and wrapped up in the heat of the moment, but I can honestly say- I don't even really dislike anyone. I just move on.
I'm the chick you LOVE to HATE. Paradox, huh? Well check THIS one out. I'm that chick you are DYING to LIVE like. Get it? Move on...
Friday, December 21, 2007
ACID
You know that feeling you get in your throat? Everyone has been there... when they've vomited SO much that there is nothing left in your stomach but yellow bile. Bile- you know, the liquid shit (not saliva) that helps break your food down? Well, you know when there is nothing left to vomit but BILE and it burns your throat- and your lips even, when it comes out? Well, that's the only thing I can think of to explain how I feel when I speak her name. I fell like the air I am using to pronounce each vowel and consonant is ACID! I hate her name.
I don't just hate the way it sounds, I hate what it represents- PAIN! No pleasure, just pain. Friendships can have you blind sided. It's the ones closest to you that you have to watch the most. This is life
I don't just hate the way it sounds, I hate what it represents- PAIN! No pleasure, just pain. Friendships can have you blind sided. It's the ones closest to you that you have to watch the most. This is life
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Pulchritudinous
It's ironic that you can call a woman beautiful, but if you use the same word to describe a man- it's almost offensive. But, what if their is no better word to describe him. What if words can't describe. Man, his heart has so much vacancy when it comes to me- but my feelings for him are infinite. What makes everything about the situation strange and crazy is the fact that I can't even say I know this man!
He won't let me in. No matter how many years pass and how many of our mutual friends I have "put in a good word".... he remains loyal. But he is so proper, so decent, so wonderful- JUST beautiful to me.
The world is in need of men with substance. Men who are interested in more than beat making and rhyming. No, I am not knocking beat making or rhyming (because I like to think of myself as a lyricist), but he has more. He is more than smarts. His beauty is limitless. It's easy to find a talented Black man, because most Black men are talented. It's nice to find and intelligent Black man who has the patience to have book smarts also. It's even better to find a man who is easy on the eyes. But to find a man with all three (you know what they say about good things coming in threes), is basically impossible in 2007. Well, not really impossible. But I can tell you what is impossible... for a man with that much to see the same in me. I sometimes wonder, what would it take for him to see in me what I see in him? Am I going to start singing Casey Chambers? Naw! But.... "Am I not pretty enough?" Or am I not light enough? Do I not hold his interest? Am I not on his level? What is it? I am thick skinned enough to know the truth.
Well, the truth about it from my end is that I want to be friends. Friends who speak on the regular, not just in passing. Friends who visit, friends who share each others company.
I met Justice back in 2001 and I will never forget. I was visiting his room mate, but when I saw him- I never wanted to talk to his room mate again. When I saw him, I saw beauty. I will never forget that moment... the first time I saw him. I have that moment reoccurring in my head every time I see his profile picture on facebook. And every time, it ends the same... with me recognizing beauty and never getting to touch his face, breath his air, be in his heart.
Thats the sad thing about this 6th sense of mine. It's cool to be able to see beauty... to see love, but sometimes I think I'd be better off not knowing it was their. Sometime ignorance is a blessing. If you never knew you had a chance, if you never knew it was there- you would never miss it when it's gone. Damn
He won't let me in. No matter how many years pass and how many of our mutual friends I have "put in a good word".... he remains loyal. But he is so proper, so decent, so wonderful- JUST beautiful to me.
The world is in need of men with substance. Men who are interested in more than beat making and rhyming. No, I am not knocking beat making or rhyming (because I like to think of myself as a lyricist), but he has more. He is more than smarts. His beauty is limitless. It's easy to find a talented Black man, because most Black men are talented. It's nice to find and intelligent Black man who has the patience to have book smarts also. It's even better to find a man who is easy on the eyes. But to find a man with all three (you know what they say about good things coming in threes), is basically impossible in 2007. Well, not really impossible. But I can tell you what is impossible... for a man with that much to see the same in me. I sometimes wonder, what would it take for him to see in me what I see in him? Am I going to start singing Casey Chambers? Naw! But.... "Am I not pretty enough?" Or am I not light enough? Do I not hold his interest? Am I not on his level? What is it? I am thick skinned enough to know the truth.
Well, the truth about it from my end is that I want to be friends. Friends who speak on the regular, not just in passing. Friends who visit, friends who share each others company.
I met Justice back in 2001 and I will never forget. I was visiting his room mate, but when I saw him- I never wanted to talk to his room mate again. When I saw him, I saw beauty. I will never forget that moment... the first time I saw him. I have that moment reoccurring in my head every time I see his profile picture on facebook. And every time, it ends the same... with me recognizing beauty and never getting to touch his face, breath his air, be in his heart.
Thats the sad thing about this 6th sense of mine. It's cool to be able to see beauty... to see love, but sometimes I think I'd be better off not knowing it was their. Sometime ignorance is a blessing. If you never knew you had a chance, if you never knew it was there- you would never miss it when it's gone. Damn
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
GLAD
It's funny how much one can think they're grown up (mentally, physically, spiritually) but then tomorrow uncovers a new enlighting which makes it obvious that the growing has just begun!
I use to think I knew what I wanted out of a man. I use to think that I knew what I wanted out of "friends" (I use that term lightly). I use to think I knew what I wanted out of family. I now know what I need to get out of myself FIRST. Being self sufficient is this best gift one could ever have! When you are truly happy with yourself, no one can stop your stride. You seem to make the best of ever situation and find the beauty in every person and everything. I was recently listening to an Alicia Keys song and she made the comment about life being "bitter sweet... sure tastes good to me." She then went on to say, "don't you rain on my parade." It's so crazy that people can get wrapped up into negativity instead of making the best out of a situation. It's even crazier that people feel just because they can't find happiness out of something that everyone should feel the same?
All I can say is that I am GLAD. I am glad about a lot of things in my life and a lot of things that Yahweh has kept out of my life. I am glad that I mended friendships with Charisse and Mykl; over reacting and taking things too personally can cause one's judgment to be empaired. Everyone can not do everything you want them to on your time table. Love is hard and frienship are harder, but when you keet working at them, they're impossible to break! I am also Glad that facebook hasn't found a spy link like blackplanet, myspace, aim, etc. because then a certain someone would see how many times I've logged on to his page, just thinking, just wishing, just hoping that one day I will be GLAD about him too.
I use to think I knew what I wanted out of a man. I use to think that I knew what I wanted out of "friends" (I use that term lightly). I use to think I knew what I wanted out of family. I now know what I need to get out of myself FIRST. Being self sufficient is this best gift one could ever have! When you are truly happy with yourself, no one can stop your stride. You seem to make the best of ever situation and find the beauty in every person and everything. I was recently listening to an Alicia Keys song and she made the comment about life being "bitter sweet... sure tastes good to me." She then went on to say, "don't you rain on my parade." It's so crazy that people can get wrapped up into negativity instead of making the best out of a situation. It's even crazier that people feel just because they can't find happiness out of something that everyone should feel the same?
All I can say is that I am GLAD. I am glad about a lot of things in my life and a lot of things that Yahweh has kept out of my life. I am glad that I mended friendships with Charisse and Mykl; over reacting and taking things too personally can cause one's judgment to be empaired. Everyone can not do everything you want them to on your time table. Love is hard and frienship are harder, but when you keet working at them, they're impossible to break! I am also Glad that facebook hasn't found a spy link like blackplanet, myspace, aim, etc. because then a certain someone would see how many times I've logged on to his page, just thinking, just wishing, just hoping that one day I will be GLAD about him too.
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