The Deepest Moments... you ever notice you write you best shit and say the realest things at those times? When you are down in the pits? Ok, so I just hit up Aby and asked him for an e-mail address because apparently I am going to send him his poem when I send Esco Bar his! I am sitting here on Martini #.... who knows, and I am feeling it. Why is it that all emotions come out when you have no sanity? What sense does that make? I guess Yahweh made it, so... the truth will come out.
So I just hit Myk up on aim, just to chop it up, but he is busy with his business. Anyhow, I was just asking him, does he ever feel like he has made a mess of his life? ok, I am officially tired- will finish this post at a later date!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Funny How The Table Turn... Turn... Turn...
Short lived, those are the only words I can think of to describe this last relationship of mine. I will be the first to tell you, I am more than relieved. I guess I just needed an ice breaker- some reason to get back in the relationship game, and he served his purpose. Last night I went to this nfl party at Cove. We (Erin, Manida, Huin and I) didn't get there until after one, and of course they were charging $30, but we somehow skipped then line and got in free. I saw Esco Bar for the first (and maybe last time) for a good while and all those old feelings came rushing back. He was partying it up with Braylon Edward (of the CLEVELAND BROWNS!!!) and at some point in my night I stepped on Braylon's shoe... he smile- I smiled back, all the time wanting to say, "baby, I can step on it again if you want me to!" lol. It was one of those nights not soon to be forgotten...
I ran into a couple of niggas I use to talk to. All, for some reason- wanting to rekindle the old flame, lol. It's funny how the tables turn! One minute I can be calling you pretty much begging you to be with me and you find lie after lie- "I am going to jail next Thursday," "I am too busy with work," "BLAH BLAH- I AM A LIAR- BLAH!" It's all so superficial... and the next minute, you are in Cove in my grill, trying to lay claims to my body- saying we need to start over? Funny I tell ya! Lucky for them (B, Rahim & Bai) I am a sucker for men!
Somehow by then end of the night, some guy was following me to my car. He ended up being harmless, infact- he ended up being a Cleveland Brown!!! We chopped it up in the parking lot around the corner from Cove for about 10 mins. then we went to breakfast. I am pretty sure he wanted me to go back to the Renaissance with him and give him the business, but unluckily fot him, I'm not that kind of GOOGLE (get it? Sex & The City).
Monica had something when she said, "Funny How The Tables Turn... Turn... Turn..." and Ciara definitely had something when she said, "Sometimes I Wish I Could Act LIKE A BOY!" Man, shit is real out here and the only way you will survive is if you do them like they do you. Last time I went home I found a picture Ed Mo (infamous popular high school basketball star in Cleveland= wasted talent ie the hood got him first) gave me. He wrote on the back, get these niggas, don't let them get you! And I have finally mastered that advice he gave me so many (7) years ago. If a niggas doesn't want you, keep it moving and let him fly! They always come running back, always!!!
So right now, it is what it is. I am still wishing Esco was in my life, but he isn't. I am on Chocolate Martini number 2 (not from the bar, homemade edition- so you know they're strong) becuase U have finally dippen into the New Year stash my mom bought me! I am starting to get that tingly feeling when my limbs start to feel numb and all these emotions start pouring out. I am thinking about scanning these poems I wrote about Esco and sending them to him, which I probably will by the time I finish this last Martini and forget about sanity- though I may follow the direction of my relationship advisor Mykl Robinson and send the first to see his reaction. Who knows what Lindsay will do! Furthemore, Esco Bar isn't in my life, but Rahim, Bai, B, Delphi, Big Time, IDMR, Boston and a few others who will remain nameless have bargained their way back! I sometimes wonder- if the guys I write about in this blog saw their code name- would they know I was talking about them? Like Justice... that's the new one.... or should I call him Case? I'll figure it our at soberer times, lol- if that's a word. It's 11:30, I am bout to send this poem and make a second entry in my Blog after I holler at Big Time... ONE CLIQUE!
I ran into a couple of niggas I use to talk to. All, for some reason- wanting to rekindle the old flame, lol. It's funny how the tables turn! One minute I can be calling you pretty much begging you to be with me and you find lie after lie- "I am going to jail next Thursday," "I am too busy with work," "BLAH BLAH- I AM A LIAR- BLAH!" It's all so superficial... and the next minute, you are in Cove in my grill, trying to lay claims to my body- saying we need to start over? Funny I tell ya! Lucky for them (B, Rahim & Bai) I am a sucker for men!
Somehow by then end of the night, some guy was following me to my car. He ended up being harmless, infact- he ended up being a Cleveland Brown!!! We chopped it up in the parking lot around the corner from Cove for about 10 mins. then we went to breakfast. I am pretty sure he wanted me to go back to the Renaissance with him and give him the business, but unluckily fot him, I'm not that kind of GOOGLE (get it? Sex & The City).
Monica had something when she said, "Funny How The Tables Turn... Turn... Turn..." and Ciara definitely had something when she said, "Sometimes I Wish I Could Act LIKE A BOY!" Man, shit is real out here and the only way you will survive is if you do them like they do you. Last time I went home I found a picture Ed Mo (infamous popular high school basketball star in Cleveland= wasted talent ie the hood got him first) gave me. He wrote on the back, get these niggas, don't let them get you! And I have finally mastered that advice he gave me so many (7) years ago. If a niggas doesn't want you, keep it moving and let him fly! They always come running back, always!!!
So right now, it is what it is. I am still wishing Esco was in my life, but he isn't. I am on Chocolate Martini number 2 (not from the bar, homemade edition- so you know they're strong) becuase U have finally dippen into the New Year stash my mom bought me! I am starting to get that tingly feeling when my limbs start to feel numb and all these emotions start pouring out. I am thinking about scanning these poems I wrote about Esco and sending them to him, which I probably will by the time I finish this last Martini and forget about sanity- though I may follow the direction of my relationship advisor Mykl Robinson and send the first to see his reaction. Who knows what Lindsay will do! Furthemore, Esco Bar isn't in my life, but Rahim, Bai, B, Delphi, Big Time, IDMR, Boston and a few others who will remain nameless have bargained their way back! I sometimes wonder- if the guys I write about in this blog saw their code name- would they know I was talking about them? Like Justice... that's the new one.... or should I call him Case? I'll figure it our at soberer times, lol- if that's a word. It's 11:30, I am bout to send this poem and make a second entry in my Blog after I holler at Big Time... ONE CLIQUE!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Friend or Foe?!?!
I think 8-Ball and MJG had something when they created that song and furthermore I think I had something when I made it my ring tone for all my girls a couple years ago. Sometimes, you just will never know who is down for you and who is trying to bring you down. Who is around to really get to know you as a person because they like you and who is trying to learn about you just to try and set you up? Luckily, I have gone through so much drama with females- that I know not to trust, I know what to look out for and I know bitches ain't shit!
I remember when this "Friend" in question was getting kicked out of her house. That was back when I was 3rd years and had my first apartment on Chittenden. I told her she could have my couch for three months. Rent free, shit- I wasn't even going to make her pay for groceries!!! Then when she finally moved into her own spot- who came through with groceries because she didn't even have money to feed herself? Wow, and even when her dude moved in with her- who would let them come over and rain her refrigerator? Who you ask? MOI! So, it's funny that in the dead middle of the winter- I missed my bus home from work (Easton to campus is no joke) and Erin was out of town so I called her as last resort. Her response you ask? Naw, I can't come get you, Austin and I might be going to the movies! Wow, really? Well, Austin and you didn't mind bringing your fat asses over to my spot to get food- now did you? Now, let's fast forward...
Summer of 2005, I am at the Redzone when two of my friends (A Husband and wife who will remain nameless) inform me that my girl is pregnant and that Austin has left her for another girl! Wow! The sat there in the club laughing about it, how crazy she is and how Austin is going to fight for custody! Being the type of woman I am- I went along with the role as if I didn't know she was pregnant just waiting to see when she would tell me? But did she tell me? Nope! I found out that she was pregnant (on the record) the weekend before she gave birth. When I asked why she hadn't told me sooner- she said she didn't find out that she was pregnant until she was around six months, lol! You sound dumb- how is it that Mr & Mrs. knew back in June??? But, I keep my mouth closed! Fast forward...
Now, it's a year and a half later. She lost her apartment, her sister put her up then kicked her out, Mr and Mrs put her up then kicked her out, now she is back with mommy. He ex is living with his new girl and they have a child? WOW! She finds a way to the club every weekend, but- she can't even take care of her seed? Man, there is something wrong with this picture! The girl who talked about her sister with so much conviction. Talked about her bastards. Talked about her cheating babies dad. Made the comment, "She is a horrible mother. How could you have a baby in your stomach for 40 weeks then be in the club the weekend after she is born!" Man I could go down the line on how critical she was of her sister. And her road dawg! She is a hoe. She cheats on Mr. She doesn't even have enough since to shape her son's flat head. I know Mr. didn't buy her ring, I bet you she bought it herself. Yea, I am living with them, but the aren't even together- she be going on dates with other niggas. Oh, the list goes on!!!
The fact is, bitches hate. They see the life they have and they get upset that they didn't opt to have yours. They make conscious decisions only later to have regret. They find the one person who has been true to them (Lindsay Johnson) and decide to try and bring drama in her life. I mean really, is it necessary to go on Myspace and make shit up? Is it necessary to be in Ice mean mugging? No it isn't! WOW, you were in VIP!!!! Bitch- I had a wrist band too! Clean your act up and stop lying so much. You knew you were pregnant as soon as a month after conception- BE REAL! You hate your sister because you are jealous of her, she has the looks, she isn't fat and she gets the attention- BE REAL! You hate on Mrs. because at least her man had the decency to marry her when she got knocked- and let's not mention how many times you have expressed to me that you are in love with Mr.- BE REAL! Man, I could BE REAL (for years- or days at least) about how much of a deceitful liar you are, but I am done right now. I see that you were never my friend. You could never be my foe because I would never give someone like you the power to hurt me.
True story- when you change for the better, people hate you more. It's hard for people to be happy for you. A smart man learns from his mistakes a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. A foe can only be happy for someone gaining something they already have, but a friend will rejoice in everything you have- because they feel that your success is theirs also. I am happy I know what it means to be a friend!
I remember when this "Friend" in question was getting kicked out of her house. That was back when I was 3rd years and had my first apartment on Chittenden. I told her she could have my couch for three months. Rent free, shit- I wasn't even going to make her pay for groceries!!! Then when she finally moved into her own spot- who came through with groceries because she didn't even have money to feed herself? Wow, and even when her dude moved in with her- who would let them come over and rain her refrigerator? Who you ask? MOI! So, it's funny that in the dead middle of the winter- I missed my bus home from work (Easton to campus is no joke) and Erin was out of town so I called her as last resort. Her response you ask? Naw, I can't come get you, Austin and I might be going to the movies! Wow, really? Well, Austin and you didn't mind bringing your fat asses over to my spot to get food- now did you? Now, let's fast forward...
Summer of 2005, I am at the Redzone when two of my friends (A Husband and wife who will remain nameless) inform me that my girl is pregnant and that Austin has left her for another girl! Wow! The sat there in the club laughing about it, how crazy she is and how Austin is going to fight for custody! Being the type of woman I am- I went along with the role as if I didn't know she was pregnant just waiting to see when she would tell me? But did she tell me? Nope! I found out that she was pregnant (on the record) the weekend before she gave birth. When I asked why she hadn't told me sooner- she said she didn't find out that she was pregnant until she was around six months, lol! You sound dumb- how is it that Mr & Mrs. knew back in June??? But, I keep my mouth closed! Fast forward...
Now, it's a year and a half later. She lost her apartment, her sister put her up then kicked her out, Mr and Mrs put her up then kicked her out, now she is back with mommy. He ex is living with his new girl and they have a child? WOW! She finds a way to the club every weekend, but- she can't even take care of her seed? Man, there is something wrong with this picture! The girl who talked about her sister with so much conviction. Talked about her bastards. Talked about her cheating babies dad. Made the comment, "She is a horrible mother. How could you have a baby in your stomach for 40 weeks then be in the club the weekend after she is born!" Man I could go down the line on how critical she was of her sister. And her road dawg! She is a hoe. She cheats on Mr. She doesn't even have enough since to shape her son's flat head. I know Mr. didn't buy her ring, I bet you she bought it herself. Yea, I am living with them, but the aren't even together- she be going on dates with other niggas. Oh, the list goes on!!!
The fact is, bitches hate. They see the life they have and they get upset that they didn't opt to have yours. They make conscious decisions only later to have regret. They find the one person who has been true to them (Lindsay Johnson) and decide to try and bring drama in her life. I mean really, is it necessary to go on Myspace and make shit up? Is it necessary to be in Ice mean mugging? No it isn't! WOW, you were in VIP!!!! Bitch- I had a wrist band too! Clean your act up and stop lying so much. You knew you were pregnant as soon as a month after conception- BE REAL! You hate your sister because you are jealous of her, she has the looks, she isn't fat and she gets the attention- BE REAL! You hate on Mrs. because at least her man had the decency to marry her when she got knocked- and let's not mention how many times you have expressed to me that you are in love with Mr.- BE REAL! Man, I could BE REAL (for years- or days at least) about how much of a deceitful liar you are, but I am done right now. I see that you were never my friend. You could never be my foe because I would never give someone like you the power to hurt me.
True story- when you change for the better, people hate you more. It's hard for people to be happy for you. A smart man learns from his mistakes a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. A foe can only be happy for someone gaining something they already have, but a friend will rejoice in everything you have- because they feel that your success is theirs also. I am happy I know what it means to be a friend!
Friday, April 13, 2007
Conscious Decisions...mostly babbling!
I have put this subject on the back burner for way to long and am finally going to address it- I am sick and tired of having to explain myself to bitches. First, it's "Is Lindsay a back stabber?" because apparently after being engaged to a man and being pregnant with his second child out of wedlock- you must not have enough trust in the relationship if you are listening to what outside sources suggest when they mention that I am trying to steal your man and I am in competition with you. Let me set the record straight- I NEVER try and fail. Secondly, it's "Some girl that knows Lisa and you is in the salon on her mint chocolate cell phone talking about how she doesn't like you- blah blah blah!" again- is that even in my character? Now yesterday the text message, it's "I thought you were my girl, why didn't you tell me who Scott is dating?" and for the third and final time- I am done explaining myself to bitches. You know he is not really your man, you know he fucks around- I mean, he had another baby on you by another bitch- BE REAL! I don't sit around keeping track of anyone other than myself! I am not responsible to judge or report about other peoples conscious decisions. You knew he was cheating on you in the beginning- so why did you leave the abortion clinic? I don't know! You know that bitch is not your girl- so why are you believing her? I don't know! You know he is still fucking around on you- so why would you accept a ring? I don't know! You play the holier than thou role every chance you get- so WHY are you pregnant again out of wedlock? I don't know AND I don't care... You know you and that bitch are not friends- you are just the jump offs of some basketball player who could give a fuck about either of you- so why are you trusting her word? I don't know! You know my character- and on the night of our friend's birthday party- I WAS THE ONLY ONE defending you, so why are you questioning my friendship? I don't know! Why are you even taking the advice of a female who is fucking the same nigga that you are? I don't know AND I don't care... Why did you have the first baby with him? I don't know! After you found out he had not only cheated- but got another bitch pregnant at the same time of your first pregnancy- why did you have the second child by him? I don't know! Why- after four years are you still fucking him? I don't know! Why is the other bitch getting $400 a month for her one child- but you are so stuck on hanging on, that you don't mind that he doesn't take care of your children and you won't take him downtown? I don't know! Why are you listening to your disfunctional ass sister- whose boyfriend left her and moved out as soon as he found out she was knocked and moved in with another chick and knocked her before your niece was even born? I don't know! Why are you texting me- trying to question and accuse me about some shit that is NEWS TO ME? Not only do I not know, but I do not care!!!
See, the thing is- people make conscious decisions everyday that they end up regretting. They don't stop at that though- oh no! They keep going down that same path of destruction, never looking back and considering that maybe it's time to make a change! The funny thing about it is- why blame me for some thing you are responsible for? I didn't lay down with any nigga! I am not the mistress of some other chicks baby's dad! And I am damn for sure not the one being seen bar hopping with you babies' dad! True story! You chicks need to order a deliberation of all your multiple personalities and figure out what you are doing wrong- because I am too concern with correcting my faults to deal with the drama of others! I have my own conscious decisions to make!
So, it is official. I am in a relationship. Even though, I haven't reported it to ANYONE and I have not quite acknowledged it myself- I said YES to the invitation of being some one's woman, lol. I guess it is a new feeling seeing that I have not been in a relationship in five years- but I feel great about it. It's a new look- but I will get use to it. I am still a bit confused because at the moment- it's not where my heart is. Before now, I have never been in love- and I am quite certain that this is the feeling. It's just a shame that I am with a man who is in love with me while I am in love with someone else? Go figure! I keep telling myself that I am doing the wrong thing- but the fact remains that I am sick of being alone. It's nice to know someone likes you and feelings are mutual, but most times that isn't enough. I don't just want someone who likes me- I want someone who wants to be with me. And I was always told, "make sure your man loves you more than you love him or it will never work," and I am following those standards to a t. Everyone is afraid of having their heart broken, and I will never break his. I will never cheat and I will do everything he asks- but I can not control fate. At times, I wish I could fall back from the relationship- because all of a sudden Big Time and IDMR have come back into my life. That's how the cookie ALWAYS crumbles, as soon as you get into a relationship- all these niggas who treated you like shit all of a sudden become changed men. Well, I ain't buying it. I would be a fool to give up on this relationship only to find myself alone. I guess it's JUST time for everyone else to play the back burner. I am merely looking forward to the outcome of the conscious decision I have made. Will my feelings develop into more and will this relationship work? I don't know BUT I do care...
See, the thing is- people make conscious decisions everyday that they end up regretting. They don't stop at that though- oh no! They keep going down that same path of destruction, never looking back and considering that maybe it's time to make a change! The funny thing about it is- why blame me for some thing you are responsible for? I didn't lay down with any nigga! I am not the mistress of some other chicks baby's dad! And I am damn for sure not the one being seen bar hopping with you babies' dad! True story! You chicks need to order a deliberation of all your multiple personalities and figure out what you are doing wrong- because I am too concern with correcting my faults to deal with the drama of others! I have my own conscious decisions to make!
So, it is official. I am in a relationship. Even though, I haven't reported it to ANYONE and I have not quite acknowledged it myself- I said YES to the invitation of being some one's woman, lol. I guess it is a new feeling seeing that I have not been in a relationship in five years- but I feel great about it. It's a new look- but I will get use to it. I am still a bit confused because at the moment- it's not where my heart is. Before now, I have never been in love- and I am quite certain that this is the feeling. It's just a shame that I am with a man who is in love with me while I am in love with someone else? Go figure! I keep telling myself that I am doing the wrong thing- but the fact remains that I am sick of being alone. It's nice to know someone likes you and feelings are mutual, but most times that isn't enough. I don't just want someone who likes me- I want someone who wants to be with me. And I was always told, "make sure your man loves you more than you love him or it will never work," and I am following those standards to a t. Everyone is afraid of having their heart broken, and I will never break his. I will never cheat and I will do everything he asks- but I can not control fate. At times, I wish I could fall back from the relationship- because all of a sudden Big Time and IDMR have come back into my life. That's how the cookie ALWAYS crumbles, as soon as you get into a relationship- all these niggas who treated you like shit all of a sudden become changed men. Well, I ain't buying it. I would be a fool to give up on this relationship only to find myself alone. I guess it's JUST time for everyone else to play the back burner. I am merely looking forward to the outcome of the conscious decision I have made. Will my feelings develop into more and will this relationship work? I don't know BUT I do care...
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Tha Unadulterated Truth
Change is definitely apparent. I can see it, I can hear it, and oh- the TASTE of it; I can't even explain. I am a much different person than I was in six years ago, and anyone out there judging me on what I sinned in back then is living in the past. Truthfully, I am not the same person I was a year ago. It's true, I still live in the same city, same apartment, same skin but, I am much different on the inside. My outlook on like is so realistic and my understanding of happiness has been altered so much so- that it's unrecognizable. It's not how many shoes I own (don't get it twisted though, I still Love & Buy shoes), it's not who loves me back, it's just not superficial as it once was.
No matter what you do or say, people are going to look at you and make a decision of who you are, not having known ANYTHING about your life of what you've come from. There are going to be bitches who pretend to be you friend, but they simply aren't. They play the role, you know... kick it with you at the club, accept presents from you, offer advice- the whole 9. Then, months later you realize they were only befriending you because they thought you were after their man? Huh, that's funny. I guess bitches are applying the "keep you friends close and you enemies closer" more than ever now. The funny thing about that is- so many females are too ignorant, shallow, inferior and down right dumb to realize who their real enemies are. I always try to tell females (whether they be my friend or enemy), I am not you competition. The fact is what's real... Your man is a hoe. He is my friend. Now, if I was a hoe- that wouldn't mix. I don't care what ring was placed on what finger, your man has made many proposition towards me and if I wanted to fuck him tomorrow- it would be done. Your man cheats on you with and without condoms... how do I know it? I heard it from the horses mouth! There is nothing you could ever amount to or try to be that would make you woman enough to hold any many down, because you settle and you have way too much of a one track mind. I was never your competition- because you are not on my level. Never have been never will be. I am not the type to sleep around- FACT! I am not the type to be with other bitches' niggas- FACT! I am not the type to pop out bastards and be a BABY MAMA- FACT! I not only WALK- but I RUN the straight and narrow. I am not going to say that I don't judge- because everyone does, but I will tell you this, I don't judge until I am judged! If someone feels a need to use me and later betray me- I have no loyalty to you. If it's fuck me- it's fuck you twice over! That's real talk! I have never loved someone because they loved me. But I have hated because someone hated me first. I love people without expecting anything in return. Even though I know who I am- I still try my best for people to like me and to see that I am a whole sound individually, but at this point I am kind of done with that- because 7 months later- you find out that bitches are just phony. Go figure.
I don't go out to clubs to have fun, I go to clubs to spend time with my friends. I don't waste my time with conversation unless you are a person I really care about. The most I may do with someone I don't care for is speak. That's it, that's all you get- finito!
See, a year ago, this situation would have bothered me- but I am a different person now. I am so blunt- you could smoke me. Hater will STARE at you all day and only pick out your failure- while never seeing the beautiful person you've become.
No matter what you do or say, people are going to look at you and make a decision of who you are, not having known ANYTHING about your life of what you've come from. There are going to be bitches who pretend to be you friend, but they simply aren't. They play the role, you know... kick it with you at the club, accept presents from you, offer advice- the whole 9. Then, months later you realize they were only befriending you because they thought you were after their man? Huh, that's funny. I guess bitches are applying the "keep you friends close and you enemies closer" more than ever now. The funny thing about that is- so many females are too ignorant, shallow, inferior and down right dumb to realize who their real enemies are. I always try to tell females (whether they be my friend or enemy), I am not you competition. The fact is what's real... Your man is a hoe. He is my friend. Now, if I was a hoe- that wouldn't mix. I don't care what ring was placed on what finger, your man has made many proposition towards me and if I wanted to fuck him tomorrow- it would be done. Your man cheats on you with and without condoms... how do I know it? I heard it from the horses mouth! There is nothing you could ever amount to or try to be that would make you woman enough to hold any many down, because you settle and you have way too much of a one track mind. I was never your competition- because you are not on my level. Never have been never will be. I am not the type to sleep around- FACT! I am not the type to be with other bitches' niggas- FACT! I am not the type to pop out bastards and be a BABY MAMA- FACT! I not only WALK- but I RUN the straight and narrow. I am not going to say that I don't judge- because everyone does, but I will tell you this, I don't judge until I am judged! If someone feels a need to use me and later betray me- I have no loyalty to you. If it's fuck me- it's fuck you twice over! That's real talk! I have never loved someone because they loved me. But I have hated because someone hated me first. I love people without expecting anything in return. Even though I know who I am- I still try my best for people to like me and to see that I am a whole sound individually, but at this point I am kind of done with that- because 7 months later- you find out that bitches are just phony. Go figure.
I don't go out to clubs to have fun, I go to clubs to spend time with my friends. I don't waste my time with conversation unless you are a person I really care about. The most I may do with someone I don't care for is speak. That's it, that's all you get- finito!
See, a year ago, this situation would have bothered me- but I am a different person now. I am so blunt- you could smoke me. Hater will STARE at you all day and only pick out your failure- while never seeing the beautiful person you've become.
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