Just Pray

In these last few days I keep reminding myself that a prayer to Yashua will not go unanswered.  I keep going through the ups and downs on adulthood and I am certain my experiences and regrets are not unique. I sometimes, moat times feel trapped. The simple things I once did, I can't find the mental space for. And those are the things that kept me sane. Vicious cycle, huh?

I'm lying here knowing that prayer doesn't change the book, but I hope He already willed it into His plan.

Halleluyah!

Protected but not Exempt

Sometimes, I get down and I lose sight of what's important in life. Life its self is important. And He is life. I've questioned if Yahweh loves me. I've questions if He hates me. I've questioned the only option and the unfathomable. And gladly, in the end I know the truth. I was one of the few chosen from birth to learn of His true teaching. I have an awesome responsibility. I find condemnation in what most of my friends have made a way of life. There are certain things I just can't do. It's not worth it. I know better. Earlier, I read a blog about Penn State's football program receiving the death penalty. The writer argued a lenient judgement may be rendered because of the affect the penalty could have on the community, it's fans, students, and the school as a whole. She also countered that when a rapist or murderer is convicted, the judge or jury don't take into consideration the convicted is the sole bread winner. It's never thought about. All of the people who fall victim to the convicted suffer blindly. So why should Penn State be any different? I said all of that to say this, every move I make I think about my future. I think about the last name that I carry now. I think about what would make my future husband proud. I think about leading my future children by example. I consider how much pain it would put my family through if I went down a certain path. They'd suffer blindly, and I want nothing farther from that. I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying I have yet to make astronomical mistakes. All I can say is moving forward I refuse to put myself in those positions again. Anything that embarrasses me and bares my name? One day I will have to face it head on. And if I never have to explain why I did it or what I did, the condemnation is already going on in my heart. A conscience isn't a conscience at all. That voice is Yahweh. There is no such thing as free will. The difference is, only a son knows right from wrong. The difference is, even after a son has done wrong, it's not back sliding. One who is not with Yahweh doesn't know the feeling of regret. The condemnation should let one know where one stands. Is he/she in the body? I realize that just because Yahweh has me does not mean that I am exempt from pain. What it means is I will be subjected to pain even more. Parents are the hardest on the child they want to succeed. I was subject to be vain in the same token I was subject to feel pain. I find peace in the fact that no matter how low I get, He is with me. He is my protection. And when He is your protection, you need no defense. You need not be exempt.

Better--Don't Leave Me Like You Came

I took a two week cleanse from social networks. I know this sounds silly, but I needed it. In those two weeks I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to be alone with my thoughts. This has been a trying year for me. I met someone who took me so high, that rock bottom felt like an all-time low. The reality is, I've been that low before, but I'd never been that high. Money walked out of my life for reasons I can't explain. Well, he isn't out of my life altogether and we actually didn't meet in 2012. We met in '95. We'd lost contact and I convinced myself there was a reason we found each other after a decade. But 2011 taught me a valuable lesson; what's in the past is sometimes supposed to be left there. Three friendships I resuscitated in 2011 came back to bite me in the ass. I've learned my lesson. Move forward at all costs. I feel a lot better. A couple of days after the blow up with Money, a friend contacted me for a date. What shall we call him? How about "Law of Attraction." On the drive up to Cleveland for the date, I was a mess. Crying. Migraine. As anyone who read my last few posts can tell, I was really down. But after that Friday night, I felt new again. In life we really do need friends to pick us up sometimes. I am trying to focus on those kind of people--those kind of friends. The kinds who always look for the positive and are constantly looking for ways to put me in a better headspace. I've always been that pinnacle for so many and it felt good to have that reciprocated for once. My feelings for men are BIPOLAR. Up high and down low. I love hard, but when it's lost I go into depression. I cry so hardly until I feel nothing at all. Then, I walk away. I hate to have regret when the love I had for someone was so pure and sincere. I hate to apologize or feel guilt over having a naturally good feeling. But in the end I find myself feeling so stupid. I make claims and deny everything I know is true. But my cleanse taught me it is okay to be a sucker for love. I am not the bad guy. He is. I did what was right. Although I am off my social-network cleanse, I am not off of my spiritual cleanse. I want to know what it is Kinley will have me see. What's the lesson? I took a two year break from men and I thought I'd learned a lesson. But then Money came and all my precautions went with the wind. I am thinking I need to get back to the root of me--my foundation. On an episode of SATC, The Post-It Sticks Twice (yes I am that obsessed with the SJP production that I know the name of every episode), Carrie makes a statement, "if you're never someone's girlfriend, you can never be someone's ex-girlfriend." I fucking feel that statement. "If you never say your name out loud to anyone, they can never ever call you by it." ~Regina Spektor

Sweet 16

Your golden birthday was last year and I wish I could have spent it with you But you were too busy so I didn't even send a text And no matter how much hurt I think you've put me through, You glance a smile and I am ready to take on what's next Ups and downs like a roller coaster, but it's exactly were I want to be You keep me grounded and humble but your spirt makes me lose gravity So funny how feelings arise for men who couldn't give a care if their life depended And still I get lost going down the same path And my heart comes back in pieces after it's been mended and the road less traveled gets the last laugh I keep telling myself to give up on love, everything isn't for everybody Love should be given to me freely, yet it's something I have to always lobby You're turning 30 in two years and I wonder how far away I will be I've had these beautiful moments planned out for you in my head Will I be cornerstone in your life? Will life be sweet? Or will I be still be standing here instead Happy birthday Dynamite 7-27-12

Alone

I'm lying here at five a.m. thinking of nothing else but him. Before, whenever I was stressed, I'd text him, but he took that option away. What does it mean when someone says they need space? Is that final? Is it for a few days? Just weeks ago he was saying our friendship is the only thing keeping him afloat. Is that still the case?

Now, the only one who hears my thoughts are Yahweh. I have no else to talk to. This is why I can't put stock into friendships in the physical. They never work out. I wish I would have prayed more.

I threw caution to the wind and now all I can wonder is if this was all a game for him? I'm trying not to think the worse or jump to a negative conclusion, but I've been here before. We've been here before.

I was analyzing anorexia and bulimia with w friend. I love food, so I get binging and no wanting to reap the losses. But anorexia makes no sense. I guess in that token, I see how people commit suicide. I understand the selfishness. I see how hard it is to reach out for help only to have your hand slapped down. I get going so low, lower than you've ever been, lower than you ever thought you could go. I understand feeling so much hate and never knowing how it feels to be loved, truly loved.

I remember the things my parental did and said to me. And no matter how far we've come in my adulthood, there are nights when I cry myself to sleep, still. I see how my sisters look at me--I'm the Fuck up. It's always the baby. I can't name one friend...not one, after all the times I've lender my shoulder, I can't think of one person. And I know we aren't supposed to question Yahweh, ever, but there are times when I wonder if he hates me?

Pray more. I know our relationship is what needs work. Maybe he's given ne this silences with the Angel to clear my head. So I'm going to pray. I'm going to talk to Yahweh and I hope he talks back to me because I have no where to turn.

Halo for an Angel

Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your embrace. I never met a man I didn't regret, but nothing about us can be a mistake. I keep telling myself to let well enough alone, no picking up the phone. But the light from your halo has showed me something I was never shone. When you're around I'm complete. When you're around I am better. I feel like I can take on the world. There isn't a storm I can't weather. And I can't compare you to any other man, because everything before you ended. The only option for me is to give you my heart. I can't even lend it. The games I've played with other people could never apply to you. Even when I'm made as hell at you, the love keeps shining through. Who knows if this love is open-ended. Crap, I don't even know if it's one-sided. All I know is my heart was lost for a long time and Yahweh let you find it. I've given my love to strangers. Not one of them ever cared for me. I thought I was unlovable. I thought I was ugly. I beat myself up so badly, I'd beat people to the punch. And when I was at my lowest, you showed up and gave me love. And even if it's over and done, I'm so glad I got to know. What people write songs about, being on the other end of the bow. And even if you were playing games and this was all just a joke. I know that feeling of love could never be a hoax. I always knew there had to be something to the other side of the game. I loved so many too deeply. I did it all in vain. I wasted a lot of time and effort and the saddest of all I wasted it all on lust. You're someone I was skeptical of and somehow I gave you all my trust. Like I said before, even if this was never meant. I thank Yahweh for the love from you, which has to be heaven sent. -For the Good Angel I will always love you. You will always love me. No one has ever showed me the amount of joy you brought to my life. I just hope it was real. I hope it is real.

Four Letter Word

My heart is heavy and I'm done. This time was like nothing I've ever imagined. It's crazy how quickly things can end. Without notice. I haven't been writing in this blog a lot lately, but I've been reading my old posts. And it seems for the last 6 years, I haven't had anything new to say. It's the same drama over and over. It saddens me that love is so fluid to some people. The concept has always be so concrete to me. Solid. This time around I was really fooled. I thought we had something special and here it is Saturday and he hasn't responded to my texts since Wednesday. Here I am sending cookies and cards and shit. I was so naive. I believe what I want to hear. And men say what you want to hear. So when does the vicious cycle end? He's cut me deep. I haven't cried this hard on the inside in a long time. Maybe ever. Moments like this have me wondering if I was ever loved. Was I ever cared? I think I'm done with this blog. Maybe it's a bad omen. Maybe I am the bad omen, but I need something to blame it on. I feel so alone all the time. No one cares. No one listens. I am sick of always being the friend to cheer everyone up. Where is my encouragement? Where is my shoulder to lean on? Without him, I feel like nothing.