A Day Like Today, I Miss You

I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start. I love you. I always did love you from the moment we spoke. I will love you for the rest of my life and I miss you. I miss you when it rains. I miss you when I'm lonely and I miss you when I don't have anyone to talk to, which is almost always. You were the kind of friend people dream about, but you were real. It's been ten years since we last spoke and eight years since you passed. My heart feels empty.

They say the good die young, but what of the bad? I hope you never knew them. My good friend Jay, you are the epitome of a warm spring day, of life, of love.

RIP Jason Robert Dorsey August 24, 1982~April 17, 2003 I love you.

A New Me

It's official! I have finally been cleared for my first post grad job. Who thought it would take a year and a half. The job is not even in my field and I am not going to be making nearly as much as I expected, but I feel blessed. A week from yesterday I will be entering a new era of my life. I am going to take this opportunity to start over. To be the person I should be. I hope I can do it. I hope I'll be happy.

What is the world to you. What means the world to you

Water into wine. Water into blood.

The best things and the worse things can come from the same love.

What is the world to you. A four block radius with no space to grow?

What means the world to you. Some won't experience anything worth enough to know.

My pleasure is my pain. My pain is my pleasure.

What I gave fully, I was only given in measure.

Such a paradox--those ideocracies of love.

Notions made too popular makes believable a deceptive tongue.

Do you love me for a reason, because it has none nor rhyme.

Although it claims to be infinite we assign it a time.

Anniversaries and deadlines and if someone doesn't meet our ultimatum...

We say we can't live without him, yet we won't settle for dating him?

And what is said of a marriage held on unhappy terms?

What did we come for; what did we learn?

Reality and a dream, where is the division in between?

What would you come to will if you had the means?

The glue in the beginning is what leaves things falling apart in the end.

And nothing is worse than losing a lover, save losing a friend.

What's the bottom line, what really counts?

What's closer to make believe or what's believable with out a doubt?

Over Time

I can't look into his eyes because I'm attracted and he's attractive.

So if I don't start it up, I'm just reaching for a reaction

Flirt a little here and there, but that's neither here nor there

Take it with a grain of salt, because I'd be turned by his stare

I'm not Lot's wife, but I could be his

And we aren't parents yet, but we could make kids

And a lot can spawn from the urban sprawl from which we once lived

Pipe dreams to pipping things

But where's the divide from what is real and what is seen

And a whole lot of jealousy can arise from eyes that are green

Trust, I am just blowing smoke, but remember where's there's smoke there's fire

Cause the only deception is professing that I'm a liar

Light skinned and light hearted and I wish I could get something started

But how can we have a mutual final destination if we differ from where we departed

So far yet so close and problems? Yes, there's a host

Feelings always get the strongest for the ones you try to push away the most

So instead of telling him, I tell this rhyme

And instead of it being over, I'm working overtime

Then maybe one day his feelings will be the same as mine

~OT

Moving

I need to move into my own place next month. I have been debating on what area of town I want to move to. I narrowed my decisions down to the Central area. I'm not an Columbus-East side kind of a girl and my current stint on the west side has learned me that this area isn't for me either. Downtown and Grandview Heights seem to be my only options. I'm starting a new job in two weeks and I am taking a pay cut, so Downtown doesn't seem to be as realistic of an option as it did a week ago. The good thing about Grandview is, it gives an awesome view of downtown, with half the hassle and nearly none of the unsavory characters.

This angle has me thinking a lot about life. More accurately, this angle has me concerned with my current dilemma. Do I want to be a part of the view or do I want to enjoy the view?

In life there are many things I am coming to learn I will never be. It was never in the stars and Yahweh never made it a part of his purpose. Loyal friends, certain men, even certain opportunities just don't happen for everyone. While this saddens me, I try to look at the brighter and more significant side of life. I have an amazing family. No matter how often or how much my parents have let me down, I have so much respect for them that I'd rather live in black and white than to let the color in my life disappoint them. I have two sisters who are so different yet so phenomenal that it causes me shame to look in the mirror. I have this priceless family, that for better or worse causes me to not only be, but want to be a better person.

I can't have sex. I can't do drugs. I can't lie. And with all these restrictions come freedom. The things I can't do are my peace of mind. They are the things that saves me from Yahweh's condemnation.

I don't have a boyfriend; maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that, but I have to face facts and prepare myself for what might be. As Layzie Bone once rapped, "Prepare for the worse and hope for the best and the rest is written." If I am alone, I have to know that I can buy a home, a new car, support my family solely...be okay. If seven years from now I'm still alone and I decide to become a mother, I want that option to be feasible.

Maybe I will never be rich, but I never was. Honestly, I never thought I would live past the age of 12. Where I come from there aren't expectations--but exceptions.

Life is what you make it and I've made it. Next month I will not only be moving, but moving on. I can't keep up with the Joneses, I can only live the life that My Father deems acceptable. Clubs are cool and I've always loved going out, but I think the lot of the time I was just running from my own thoughts. Sometimes a quiet room can be the loudest place.

I am okay with the woman I've become. I love my thought process. I'm proud. Not many people understand me, but I get it. I sometimes beat up on myself, but I get that too. So I guess I won't be the trophy. I won't be looked at, but me view will be immaculate.