On The Rocks (A Watered Down Poem)

I seem to want him the more I resist it

This leads me to believe I may be addicted

Not even my type but he's got me afflicted

Nothing leading up to this could have predicted...

The ups and downs, highs and lows

Where I use to be closed lipped, now can't keep my mouth closed

But most men like a chase and if you ain't playing hard to get

They're so quick to dismiss you, so quick to reject

But if you play too hard they call you a tease

A medium that's hard to find, but a medium every woman needs

I've never been into game playing, so I can't play the role

Upfront and direct, even at the cost of being alone

And I know the routine of what happens after my feelings are shone.

But one thing I can't seem to condone...

The twists and turns, hills and valleys

The road to redeeming love has only allowed me

I complain sometimes, but with growing there is pain

And I'm trying to understand if the costs are worth the gain

If the man is worth the trouble when he ain't even my type

Or if my addiction is just fueled by the hype?

~for Candlelight aka THE

Appreciation for my Brothas

Reach for the sky. See most black men hear this coming from the law.

Stopped on suspicion or stopped without cause.

Yet, when it comes from encouragement it's not as conceivable.

When will they reach up for Yahweh, is that still unbeileavble?

Because every man wants someone to believe in him, why would He be different.

And why can't we see that they only thing saving us is our sinning?

I wish I could get through to my brothers, let them know their worth.

Let them know their importance, let them know they come first.

Long Time No See

Well, a lot has happened. When Dunn died I was at the lowest point I've ever been in my adult life. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. For a while I thought it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. Let's see, I let myself down on every level possible and yet I'm still here.

Someone broke into my apartment and I can't stop thinking about it. What they took from me is something that I feel I will never be able to get back. They took my peace of mind. They took the little bit of joy that I brought away from East Cleveland. And it's fine. I probably will never stop thinking about it and I probably will never get over it. I'm a spiritual being having a physical experience, so what of it? As I struggle to get my thoughts together, this post will probably be extended and insane babbling. But non the less, I am here.

Ive been trying really hard to forgive myself. I want to let shit go. I can name a million things I will never be and I have to find a way to accept it and move on. I'm not perfect. I struggle to brush my teeth, wash my face and wrap my hair at night. I've gained 25 lbs since July. I obsess over men who feel I'm not good enough. I'm a very jealous lover. I don't know how to express myself; most people think I am cold blooded, but I am sensitive to a fault. Most days I have a chip on my shoulder. I've had problems forgiving people who betrayed me, mainly myself.

At the end of that day, very few people know me. I have means strikes, but I am fun loving and silly. I break out into song and dance at the most random moments. It's a side of me that most people will never see, but the people who have can't get enough of it. I talk shit, but overall I love everyone. I wish that people would take the time to learn the real me.

Everyone is so judgmental. They read tweets or see me out at the club and make assumptions. I came from nothing. I don't know. I guess I just need to get a lot off my chest.

I found Dave Whitted and Dalana Giles. They both have two children. And after everything and over a decade of not talking, they still love me. Dalana & Dave were my best friend since Kindergarten. They don't make love like that anymore. People who care about you for no apparent reason at all. It's not about education or occupation. No one is judging you from where you were raised or who raised you. Past relationship, none of that matters. I miss that love. It's been a long time, but I think it's coming back into my life and it's right on time.

xoxo

Inconsistent

I'm so inconsistent when I'm pushed into this instance

of life and normalcy what everyone else calls existence

Adulthood, degrees, all the things I am supposed to be.

Religious yet supersticious. A lady in the streets but a freak in between...

The sheets and pure contradictions we pile on ourselves.

Cause everyone wants to be different, but we put the real us on the shelf.

And I'm not doing well with playing parts and wearing the mask

Yeah I can code switch but who gets the last laugh?

I'm trying to be the woman my parents are proud of but is it realistic?

Because if I keep going down this road my happiness will never be considered.

I could go all nite, but I just want to get me feet wet.

Haven't been back here since May, I've been too upset.