Complicated

I am starting to think that men and relationship, maybe even friendships at times, are too complicated for me. I feel like I am always putting on a front for someone to like me. I can't remember the last time I was just myself! I bend over backwards to be nice to my ex just to prove that I am not bitter. I hang around girls I think are complete idiots, just to prove that I am have the ability to be cordial with females instead of falling out with them. I date men that I am not even interested in for the sake of having something to do and I am tired of it. The men I like never like me. It's always something. I don't know if they think I'm not good enough, or not pretty enough, or what? They never even give me a chance. I am exhausted. I keep thinking about NYC and how much I hate Columbus. I am miserable here. I just want to go. I always think about how different my life would have been if I hadn't left Cleveland. I am so glad I left there when I did. I hope that a year from now I am saying the same thing about Columbus.

I can not wait to start over. Most people wouldn't go to the city where they don't know anyone, but I prefer it that way. I want to go into a club where no one knows my name. I want to recreate myself without "so-called" friends hating on my self improvement. I want to go to a city where all the men are not self absorbed to the point where they can't recognize a good woman life me.

I'm pretty and intelligent. I have a degree and a drive to be better than what even my mother expects. I am strong and I encourage/push my friends to go to the next level. I am sound in my religion. What more could a man ask for? If nothing else has become so obviously apparent in these last eight years, there is no one in Columbus for me and I can't wait to move on.

Disrespected

Have you ever felt like you've met THE ONE only to find that you've met ANOTHER ONE? Well, that is where I am right now. I found someone who I mesh so well with. We like the same things, favor the same movies, finish each others lines, and we're both members of the IDMR. Perfect. Until tonight.

The fuckery that men put women through is lethal. They tell us what we want to hear and never bother to show their true feelings until we're emotionally attached. Every single time I go through this I tell myself it's going to be the last time, but it never is. If you disrespect men and treat them like they treat you, you're a bitch. If you do your best to make things work, you get bitched. So what is a woman to do?

For the longest time I blamed myself. I though maybe I was too skinny, then I got thick. I came to OSU to find out I was not light enough. I grew my hair out, cut it and it never mattered. I changed my attitude, got my priorities in order, and still that was not enough. I am starting to realize that it is not me, it's them. It's black men and the inferiority complex. Black men are to uncomfortable in their own flesh that they will do any and everything to knock those around them who are happy with what Yahweh has given them. 

Anyhow, my friend told me to "suck [his] dick" earlier. I don't even know what to say to that. So I erased him off my friend's list and deleted his number out of my phone. I refuse to be disrespected on my own watch. This is why I can not take men seriously. This is why I want to get the hell out of Ohio and start over. I am pretty much done with chasing and changing. Calling, texting with no response is a thing of the past. Say good bye to Lindsay, because the old me is back.

The Last Time I Saw Him

He reminded my of a breath of fresh air.

No one or nothing could have stopped me from being there.

When he talked I listened with no interruptions.

And when he gave me advice there were no corruptions.

I can honestly says I loved everything about him, even his flaws.

The things he did that bothered me made me smile most of all.

That night was a pivotal moment in my life.

I wish I could get back to that feeling-oh-so-right.

But he left.

The last time I saw him his eyes shined so bright.

He took his gloves off and placed his left hand on my thigh.

We watched the millennium together, fireworks sparked.

Literally and physically as we sat there parked.

It was a Camry. He was a Maybach. I drove a Probe.

I drove away and the night was cold.

I drove away and I will always regret.

After I drove away what came next.

He left me.

R.I.P. Jason Robert Dorsey

You will never know just how much you mean to me. There is not a day that passes when I don't think of you. I am eternally grateful to Yahweh for bringing you into my life. I will never forget January 1, 2001. 

Who Can Be Against Me?

After graduating last week without so much as a celebratory text, call, tweet, or note on Facebook from any one of my so-called friends, I feel uplifted. Progression is fine to my "friends" as long as I am not progressing pass them. I left Cleveland to find a better life. I have gone through hell and high water to keep in touch with my loved ones at home. The sad truth is, the only ones who give me reciprocity are my immediate family members and that's fine.

I even had an old friend from home move to Columbus a few years ago. We grew closer than we ever had been when we were in E.C. Then she got pregnant. All of a sudden she is giving me the cold shoulder. I went out of my way to take her out in her birthday. A week later on my birthday, I didn't even get a call. I went out of my way to MAKE her a fabulous baby shower gift (and let's not forget I haven't had a job since December of 2007). The bitch couldn't even do so much as to take a picture of my gift like she had with the other ladies at the shower. Furthermore, she did not even bother to show up at my graduation. I realized something then and there, she can not be a friend to me because I am happy and she is not.

I have plenty of female friends who are mothers. yet I seem to never stay friends with women who were childless when our friendships started. As soon as they get pregnant and unhappy, they write me off.

Right here and now I am making a pledge to myself. I will never be a babies mother. I will never birth a child into an unhappy marriage. I am going to do everything within my power to be a happy woman and when my power fails I will not hesitate to call on Yahshua. Yahshua was there when I was born and he is here now. He is my all in all. And when none of my so-called friends on Earth felt a need to attend my graduation, he orchestrated it!

A year ago I told myself I would work for McGraw-Hill and finish at Ohio State. I did it. Two years ago I said I would live in NYC; I am still going to do it. I will make the sacrifices necessary to get into City College and get my MFA in Creative Writing. No one will hold that it took me eight years to graduate over my head. And if they do I won't mind. The men who looked over me will never forget my face, and the women who couldn't not welcome my happiness will have more of a reason to be envious. You read it first here. When it comes to past I hope you are one of the people who enjoy my success with me. Yahshua is my foundation, rest, and everything. Yahshua is my Elohim. If he be for me...

Hungry

I have am so hungry for love, but not any love. I want a specific love. A man that believes in whom I believe in. A man who is fit and cute. A man who whole heartily loves me and would never leave me. He doesn't have to be rich (though that would be a perk). He doesn't have to be popular (I'd actually prefer him not to be). He just has to be a Yahweh fearing man who loves me and what we have together. Am I asking for too much? I think not.

I had a revelation as I laid on the couch this morning. Yahweh provides everything I need. He has gotten me through hell and high water. He will bring me a man that makes me happy and makes me see his purpose even clearer. I am sure of it. So, I am sitting on His promise. I love Yahweh so much. I love him so much that my unhappiness is happy.

Inspired by Lauryn

I had to walk away and close my ears
Because love wouldn't do that; love doesn't bring tears
And when he called I sent him to voicemail even when he blocked to private
Because love doesn't move that way; love doesn't act childish
When friends turned against me and chose his side, I gave them space
Because love isn't like that; love isn't two faced
After a while I forgot about the bad things, and wanted to forgive
Because love always does that; love wants to be friends
Then he crossed the line and found a way back into my heart
Because love always does that, love knows how to play its part
Break up to make up became the story of our relationship
Because love just renews itself; love won't let you split
By the end it was shame on me for giving him a second chance
Just because love is perfect does not mean it will be a perfect romance.