If You Had TWENTY FOUR Hours To Live....

"If you had 24 hours to live, just think- where would you go, what would you do, who would you screw, and who would you wanna notify? Or would your ass deny that yo ass about to die?

Man Puff, I mean Diddy, that IS some deep shit. If you had 24 hours to live and you knew- what would you do? Man, it's crazy, but more than anything I would just try to prepare my close loved ones. Lol, I would do laundry, sort through old mail and papers, erase files on my computer that are less than sanitary, and get rid of any baggage that would be bring pain to my family. You see most people who go tell that ONE person how much they really loved them, or go hit up the ONE person who played the shit out of them, but me- I would play it differently. That would be a waste of time, because in the end- the person you loved for so long would only feel guilt and the person you just killed that you hated so much would send you to HELL for murder- and meet you there and that would be their satisfaction... because not only did they hurt you in your present life, but they ruined your after life too. I guess what I am saying is, that if I knew I was going to die tomorrow- I would just let shit go and pay most attention to the people who love me and are going to suffer the most because of my death.

My biggest regret would not be never graduating, but never finishing my novel. I would hate to know that the world is going to go on with out knowing this explosive story I have in my head. I guess that is damn near my ONLY regret because I never really went through life saying, I wish I would have said, or I should have just said.... majorly everything I ever wanted to say- I did. I guess I can thank my lack of tact for that one, but it caused me drama, but also allowed me to be free. When you always have things on your mind... times in space that you can't get back and you wish you would have said what you really think- that can eat you alive.

But on some REAL, if I really did have 24 hours to live, I would go buy some Christian Louboutins, go out to eat with my immediate family plus Ethan and Derrick.... Watch Sex and The City episode "Change Of A Dress," Menace To Society... Write a poem... and be praising Yahweh all the while.

Los Angeles, California- My Mecca, Praise my father, Charge It To The Game, Big Time and NO!

Prepare For The Worst & Hope For The Best & The Rest IS Written

Layzie had something going when he made that statement. I'm not mad at all, I am just learning to brace myself for what could happen. Never leave your guard down, because in that moment Satan will strike. For once in my life I am going to stop doing what looks right and start doing what's good for me.

People love to see you down, and what is even more outrageous about that is, people love to kick you when you're down. Rebuttal? Revenge? Let it go and continue to succeed in your own life, because THAT hurts them much more than any physical strife of emotional words you could ever cast upon them (haters). People can say what they want to say about my attitude and I don't mind. It's funny that people are so quick to judge even when they're in the midst of their own failures. They are so quick to BLINDLY point the finger, when they have no idea where you come from or what you've been through. So, the ignorance is theirs not yours. Let them own it!

I love my attitude, because I understand who I AM! I AM rough around the edges and I am perfect because everything Yahweh touches couldn't be anything less. I sometimes wonder, "why do I question myself?" I question myself because of everyone else's OPINION of me. If I am happy with myself inside and out, why do I even CONSIDER changing something about myself to appeal to someone else? Why? To make them happy? Chances are, no matter how much I change they will still find something wrong! My boy Romero once mentioned to me that the little things about a person that bother you in the beginning are those same things that cause destruction in the end. You can't please everyone, so why not please yourself?

Everything has been preordained by Yahweh, so why are we trying to go against the grain? These are a lot of questions I am posing, but why do we do the things we do...why do we beat ourselves up for things that are already done (both past and future--already DONE), when we have no control over it? Why not just sit back and relax while "this giant Japanese Fan" is unfolding!

I am going to continue to better mysql in which ever way Yahweh allows me. I know when I am DOWN, that is NOT the end but, I need to start bracing myself for the pain from the people who are going to kick me when I'm DOWN. And once I finally get up from being down and being kicked while being down, I will know that if Yahweh allows my leg to be broken, He will teach me how to limp. Why cry over spilled milk anyway? It's already written!

He's Gonna Miss Me When I'm GONE; Je Suis Désolé

Ok, so if there were ever a day to sit at home, drink a stiff martini and listen to the play list entitled "sad songs," THIS would be THAT day! Big revelations from Big Time today and once again for the 3rd time in my love life am I feeling the same way. It happened with Polaris in 2005- Aby in 2006- now Big Time in 2007 and you can bet your last dollar that three times is a charm! Never again! NEVER!

It's a hard thing to realize that you mean absolutely NOTHING to a person who you held in such high esteem. Crazy in fact. But, that is the way life is- full of learning experiences. I am hurt. But not the same way I was hurt by Polaris or Aby- but it's a deeper wound. When I sat on the other end of the phone and listened to his confession and blatant disregard to my heart- I did cry. But then, just as it started- IT ENDED. I think maybe I am all cried out. It's sad to say but, I am becoming immune to heart break. I guess I am becoming heartless and my attitude is reflecting this everyday. Fall outs and misunderstanding are all being blown out of proportion- basically because I just don't give a fuck! Who would have ever thought? I've never been in love- and there is a reason why.



Thought I had a love, but I was kidding myself/
By the time I learned the truth about it, he was sleeping with someone else/
~Isley Brothers


I guess when something is over, Yahweh makes sure it is good and over. All I can say is that it may not be tonight and it may not be tomorrow, but he is gonna miss me!


If you don't know, now you know you're gonna miss MY LOVE/
And I ain't worried bout a dog on thing, because I was true when I gave you MY LOVE/
If you search you will never find another love like MY LOVE/
You're gonna miss me, I ain't got time while you sit around and play with MY LOVE/
~Destiny's Child


All I could continue to say in response to his revelation was, "I'm Sorry!" Over and over again. That's all I could say. I wasn't apologizing to him though; I was apologizing to myself- once again. I KEEP doing this to myself. I KEEP doing it. At least this time I have some closure- even though I am hurt beyond matter- I was not left in the dark like with Sean Coffey. I will not go on the rest of my life wondering what happened, but I can bet that one day and one day SOON Big Time is going to look up and think about me.... wonder where I am, but it will be too late and he will just be unhappy. It's times like this that I just can not wait for this transfer to come through from New York. Yea, I am leaving this city with unfinished business because I still haven't completed my undergraduate studies- BUT FUCK A DEGREE, I need to breath. A new job, new experience in a new state and a new state of mind. NEW YORK it is.

I'm just sorry I let this happen to me again. Je suis desole.

Opinions

Between the "Honesty Box" on facebook, and real live e-mail from ex-friends, I am finding that people have a lot of fucked up opinions about me . I can't quite say that I give a damn, but it's interesting to know. I have some men sending me poetry in my honesty box, while others are saying, "you have a foul ass attitude." Okay, what am I supposed to say to that? Sorry? How about, HELL NO!I love my attitude. Most times it's misunderstood, but that's just fine by me! If someone isn't willing to find out why I have an attitude, or if I am just joking or being serious- then FUCK EM'.... Fuck em' girl, fuck em', fuck em' girl, fuck em (spoken in Martin Lawrence's voice, lol)

So, I fell out with an acquaintance. Well, let me not even call it a fall out, I made a conscious decision to stop hanging around the bitch and she got mad. So she then basically has her friend write in my honesty box. Number one I have only met her friend two times, and numbers two the fat bitch doesn't know shit about me! She writes me talking so much shit about how I am not living right- about how I am unhappy, angry and bitter- about how God does not love me- just basically talking a whole lot of bull shit. The whole time I was reading what she had to say about me I was thinking, "you're nothing but one of the fat unhappy girls who eats ice cream next to a box of Kleenex every Friday night. Sheesh! You have a bastard who's father won't even drive in state to see him, GOSH! You have a boyfriends who steals your car and beats the fuck out of you!" Quite honestly the GIRL is in no position to judge my life at all!!!

Then the ex-friend in question decides to write me like a four page e-mail tonight. Again, I ask- why are you bitches even contacting me. I am the one who is hateful. I am the one who God dislike. I am the one who is "uber angry, bitter and unhappy" yet you bitches are the ones who continue to write me e-mails day in and day out? Something is wrong with this picture. It seems that maybe they are the ones who are jealous of me- and all these "opinions" are- are diversions from the truth. The truth is that these bitches have nothing better to do with their damned time then write me e-mails and try to make me feel insecure about my own life.

It's hilarious when people try to take weaknesses that the THINK you have to make your feel bad about yourself. The fact that I am cute, I can dress, I have a great job and I am not a hoe- did not make it easy for these losers to come up with some dirt on me- but the only thing they had to fall back on is the fact that I am 24 with NO DEGREE, lol. Day in and day out for the last 3 days that is all they keep bringing up. That they are 23 with A degree and I am 24 and haven't completed mines. I guess in doing this they thought they would get under my skin, but little do they know that I could NOT give a damn about having my degree right now! I am more focused in staying at Delphi so they can play my students loans off with this bonus. After I am debt free, I will enter in the tuition assistance program and let them pay for my senior year. Then what will these inferior bitches have to say? While the one is living back in Maryland with her strict parent because her CVS job can't pay the bills and the other is trying to supposed her bastard, I will be living it up properly. Ok... Erin interrupted me & now that we're finished talking- I am tired and it's time for beddy bye!

Longevity DOES NOT Equal Loyalty!!!

I find it funny that people can't seem to grasp a hold of the concept that EVERYONE is not their friend. One can not count on just any and everybody, but we should be just as selective of who we choose as friends as who we choose as our God. Now see, I believe in Yahweh. I never let any preacher or church tell me what is right or wrong, but I did MY OWN detailed investigation. I looked up the names I worship under, I read the bible versus for MYSELF and I let YAHWEH interpret them for me! I don't count on any man's version or take on what GOD meant when he said this and what GOD meant when he said that. I choose GOD- not a man. I only find myself being a worthy servant because a worth El found me!

Friends, I take them for what they are worth. Most times, I don't trust them. I always wonder what their motive is and whether I have HEARD good or bad about their past- I find out about them for MYSELF- on my own. I don't go on he say she say. I don't go on rumors, I go solely on what that person has proven to be to me. I am one of the lucky ones, because YAHWEH has blessed me with the power to realize that just because you have known a person for a LONG time, just because they have been in your life for a LONG time, just because you considered them your friend for such a LONG time, just because you've been in a relationship with a person for a LONG time , (etc.) does not mean they are loyal to you. In many cases, this longevity just means that the person is determined to stick it out until your demise!

I have friends, and I have met friends of friends... I know SO many people who talk badly and just plain old satanically behind their friends' backs (both male and females) that it has made me conclude... that if THAT is friendship, I don't want any parts of it. I would never want a friends that didn't like me, or one whom had a problem and didn't feel woman enough or comfortable coming to me and discussing it!

Some people I have fallen out with upon meeting them... then there are the others. The ones I spent weekends with, went to the club with them. There are the ones who I went out to dinner with- then to a movie. There are the ones I spent hours on the phone conversing with and every longer times spoken through texts. There are the ones who I have many pictures with- many moments with. There are the ones I shared "inside jokes" with. There are the ones out there who in spite of the phoniness in the world- I was really naive enough to think they were my REAL friends, because I'd like to think that someone wouldn't spend SO much time with me- so LONG time with me.... all along hating me and never wishing me well! Couldn't be! But Tha Truth is, longevity does not equal loyalty!

Quarantine

Man, it's funny how bitches front. You can see them everyday 1-on-1 at work and they won't say shit to you. But, as soon as they're with their girls- oh they wanna play the "tough guy" role. It's cool though, it's all good. See, this is why I fall back. Another"First Fridays" showed me something- bitches LOVE to HATE. See me... I was just there chilling, looking fine- sipping wine. While, Jameeka was with her girls pointing me out- HA! Look, it's simple- if you really want to get at someone there is no need for shit talking, bust a move. I will never fear another bitch, especially one I use to roll with. The fact that bitches to take the time to think about is that I know what type of person they are. If I kicked it with you numerous time and all you did was sit back and talk shit about other bitches, never making a move- I know you're all GIRL TALK and no GIRL ACTION! Doesn't take a rocket scientist. Then, there are girls like Romique- Darielle- even my cold blooded Asian Lisa who I have witnessed getting their down and dirty on. Now, if I had beef with one of them- I wouldn't expect shit talking because I know they are real bitches and they hold their shit down. This is probably why I have never fallen out with any of the 3. But, these other bitches can spare me! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I can beat everyone, but I will never fear a chick that breaths them same air as me. Shit, we all bleed once a month- so what are you going to do to me that I can't come right back and do to you. Jump me? Null.... Kick dents into my passenger door? Void! Stop it! I never underestimate another chick, but they damn for sure underestimate me. But that's fine, b/c I will surprise 'em.

All the drama.... this is why I been on some ol' quarantine falling way back shit. Laying low and staying low, lol. Bitches love to hate, people love to see the other man fail.

"First Fridays" last night also taught me another valuable lesson, sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder. When people haven't seen you in a while I see it bring out a lot of feelings...

And, for the finale of last night, it was hilarious to watch this one bitch put on a show for me because she thinks I want her boyfriend! First and foremost her man was the one continually sending waves at me from across the dance floor. He was the one who came and posted up 6 inches (or less? literally) behind me. When she saw that shit, I saw the fire in her eyes! She was hot! Then all of a sudden she put on an Oscar winning performance. Did a Gail Diver's 100 yard dash over in our direction, then felt a need to caress and back it up on him like she was Ciara with 50, lol. I could have died with laughter, but I didn't because, I knew it was an act. Just like I know if I would have called her man last night, he would have been in my bed not hers. Just like I know he someone how decided to leave the party when I was leaving the party. Just like I know, he was tailing me and my girls with his car while we were walking to mines. Just like I know, he will ALWAYS desire because niggas always want what they can't have! Lucky for his bitch, I am a lady. And lucky for other niggas bitches, I am falling back on some old quarantine type shit, otherwise I'd be out every weekend throwing a monkey wrench into bitches plans!

You Think You Know? Well, You Couldn't Be Farther From THA TRUTH!!!

Life is a bitch and then you die! Or, you decide to make a change. Change in diet, change in looks, change of address??? No matter what you alter, if you decide to make a change for the better- you're on top of THE game! Sometimes it may look as if one is quitting, but the reality is- is that they're changing their game plan.

Right now I am kind of lost in my direction. I am sick of tired of people judging me and my life and furthermore I am done explaining me decisions. I am leaving all my doom or success in Yahweh's hand because I don't know what else to do. Being too SCARED to go to the doctor? That's never been me. Worrying about money and it being my only objective? That's never been me. Giving a damn about a man who couldn't care less about me and thinks the Sun rises and set upon his ass? That's never been me. I am definitely changing.

What do you do when you do everything right- eat- exercise- etc. and you're STILL sick? What do you do when you cut your leisure spending in half and pay all your bills upfront yet you're still plagued by money issues? What do you do when a man basically tells you he loves you and you're the only female he trust (even ON TOP of his mom) and you can't even get him to answer your calls or return your texts? Smile?

It's funny how people judge. They talk about my "nasty attitude," "unappealing persona" and even the "mean mug," but most times when I hear that I want to reply... "if you think the looks on my face is bad you should see what's going on inside my head!" Man, I am going through it! My heart is so heavy right now- I can't even explain it. Something is always going on, I don't even have time to re cooperate before another thing happens, or time to ruminate before another thought rapes me! Blind sided and overwhelmed!

If one knew what I came from. If one could have a glimpse of what I've been through. If one would on take the time to imagine that there is a reason I am the way that I am- maybe I wouldn't seem so bad. I am down right now and these walls are SO familiar. No one to talk to- not sure what to think.... all too familiar. Yea, I could call my mom- she went through it a few years back. I even talked with a couple of my female co workers who went through it too, but no one really understands what I am going through. I wasn't in my 50's, 40's, 30's.... GOD I am only 24! I am a baby! No one understands me! I could call Derrick... but what good would it really do me other than feeling like a charity case? The only one who could ever and does understand me- he was THE FIRST I went to; Yahshua. I am leaving them there.