A Better Woman- To Myself...

Man, Christina has some lyrics for dat ass, lol. I just have been doing a lot of thinking about life lately. Some things and people come into our lives so unexpectedly and just as easy they can be taken away. It's funny that, once someone or something is there- you can not even remember what life was like without them. Who did you call for advice? Who was your backbone? How did you use to dress? It's funny that the past is so distant even when it was just yesterday! I guess it is important to just be in the now! Don't worry about what happened or what may come, just live right NOW!

I am trying hard to be a better woman. I am trying not to be spiteful and most importantly I want to become a more forgiving person. Sometimes people just don't know how to love- they can't help it! I was talking to Candace the other night about friendships and how is it hard for some people to be friends! You can not fault them for that, but you just have to deem yourself lucky that you DO know what it means to be a real friend. Sooner or later, that person who was less than a friend to you- will look back and realize what you meant to them and that they will NEVER find another like you. I know that from experience. The thing that most people don't realize about me is that I will always be their friend. No matter how angry I may be at the moment, no matter how they did me wrong, I will always be there. Once we fall out I am not going to go tell all their darkest deepest secrets- I am not going to stab them in the back. I am just going to keep it moving. There is no need to beat a dead horse. Once someone is dead to me, once love is lost- it's as if it never existed.

I am not bitter anymore, and I do forgive Maize & Blue. I am realizing a lot of which I felt he did to me, I allowed it- so in reality, I DID IT TO MYSELF. For along time I was not able to accept love and I would be lying is I said I can now give love (because I have not made it to that goal yet). What I can say is that I have met someone who is just so perfect in my eyes. Everything is so easy. I am not sure how far it will go, or if we "JUST" continue to be friends, but I can say that I look forward to being around him. Bad things can happen to one their whole life- but maybe those bad things just happened to prepare them for someone else. All his adversities- I see right through them and he is the kind of man I have always wanted.

I am realizing that all my pain in the past has a cause- I just hope he is that reason. And is at chance he isn't, I hope in the end- all this bad shit has man me a better woman!

Understand...

He was with me, it was so real- but I found out it was FAKE because they're together now.
And they are building this life with one another- so I play it off like Tamia and, "Smile".
Because I was under the impression it was he & I, yet somehow I was the other woman.
And I was whisked under the rug before I could even take a stand.
Romance? off the table... cordial? not in my dreams!
Because that nigga is on some dogging shit and could care less about taking the time to redeem.
So, I have to make a decision, like so many other times, do I take this lying down?
Or take it THERE! Make him explain to me why he didn't want me around!
Why couldn't you love me right? Why couldn't you be my friend?
Why couldn't you keep it real from the beginning, I didn't want for you to be my man!
Traveling in and out the country, in and out the state, in and out the city- but you and I are in CO.
What did I do that was SO wrong that I get not act right in the SAME city & have been treated so cold?
I can't call it! But make me understand, I'm NOT mad, I just can't go through his shit again.
I need to know why I am ALWAYS stepping in the wrong direction? What's the unforgivable sin?
I just don't get it, I don't need your compassion- it's worthless to me, but I do need to know the real.
How did I turn you into this man that shuns me, why is it hate you feel?
No matter where I am it's the same, CO, EC, ATL, the Land...
I know I am hitting "you" with too many questions, but just please make me understand!

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It's funny that things can happen and for the life of you- you can't figure out why Yahweh would purposed something of the such. Well, I am at the point in life where I am not questioning it as much as I am realizing that maybe I need to focus more to see the bigger picture. There is life after college (or in my case there WILL be), there is definitely life after Nordstrom (though I am not yet comfortable and accustomed to it), and most importantly there is life after heartbreak.

Here recently I have been getting closer to a guy I have known my whole life. I am not certain if it is going anywhere, but it's funny to realize that sometimes people aren't exactly who you thought they were. Everyone has infirmities- some more than others, but one has to step back and consider if it is really worth putting up with another person's flaws? I know that in general I am a person who puts up with damn near everyone's flaws because I have realize that underneath them is something that I could never afford to buy, and something that so many other people are missing out on- yet I am privledged; so I don't mind flaws.

This is my first blog in a while and my writing is a little off wack, so bear with me, I just have so much on my mind today- I will probably be writing in this again later. Anyhow, as I was saying the guy I have been getting to know is having a lot of problems with my flaws. I guess my biggest flaw is the fact that I tend to come off as cold hearted, and in his words "I have a wall up and I am a woman scorned!" The funny thing is, when he went on his little rampage of yelling at me and telling me about myself- inside my head all I could do is agree. I do have a wall up, I am a woman scorned, and the sad thing is- on every level... I don't know how to love anymore.