ONLY PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO DIE HAVING LEFT UNDONE

This is what my fortune cookies read to my yesterday & it got me to thinking about life and procrastination. What I am doing to demean my progress by putting things off. I am just doing a shit load of evaluating and self- examination. I am no longer the person I was some three months ago, much has changed. People I thought were my friends, turned out to be like the rest of them. I will say I have picked up quite a few new acquaintances, but one can never know what is going to happen in the next week. All I can say is I am keeping my guard up, watching what the fuck I say to whom and more importantly I am trying real hard to be the friend that people want and need.

I am just starting to realize how important this blog is. If I were to die tomorrow 10's of 100'2 of people who have access to this little preservation of my life that I made. It is not like a picture, or a bad memory that is over ridden by all the GOOD, it's the honest to Yahweh truth. Yet and still, people can still misinterpret. I would hate for my mother to read this blog and conclude that she was a bad mom, even though I feel like she put me through hell both mentally and physically- she is the most important person in my life and if she were taken from me tomorrow- I can't even fathom how I would live another day. I would hate for anyone to One day read this when I am gone and conclude anything negative- because me intent has always been something different.

Things just aren't always what they seem. I am struggling with the fact that I can not have any of the guys I want. Big Time, Aby, Esco Bar, Sean, man- no one. It comes a point when you have to stop pointing fingers and realize, "Maybe it's me!?!?" What is wrong with me, what is it that I do wrong? Am not pretty enough, is my heart to broken? Do I cry to much, am I too outspoken? Didn't I make you laugh, should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?... then next thing you know you are in a song, the chorus is over, the first verse is entering & tears are all down you face. So I am deciding to stop this now. I am not going to settle- I am just going to set in.

I am setting into my goals. I would love for someone to sweep me off my feet and love me like I have never been loved, but the fact is I am only 23 and got plenty of time to be in love. The reality that strikes me is that I don't have forever to make a success out of myself. Guys stop talking to me because I won't have sex with them, but instead of considering the fate- I just need to realize that someone who isn't willing to wait until I am comfortable is not worth being with me. Yea, my girls may do this and my girls may do that- but what's good for them is not good for me. The girls I rolled with in high school were into things I was not. Man! My two best females friends from high school are both mothers of 3 year olds! My road dog for life is on baby #2. So maybe, just maybe succoming to what the men I like want from me is not such a good idea!

I have plenty of demons riding my back that I am constantly battling. I am not happy with who I am right now, but I am realizing that TODAY is the day to do something about it. When Esco is around I am not going to talk loud and try to get his attention, I am just going to cope with the fact he will NEVER talk to me because of Maize & Blue. Is it his mistake? maybe not, maybe it was just never meant to be. Maybe if I had have been with him it would have caused my life more damage than good, so I am going to learn to leave it be. I have a whole list of things I am not comfortable with leaving the same if I were to die tomorrow. There are people that NEED to know I love them. Old bonds that need to be rekindled. I need to see my nephews face. I need to Sean, just one more time. I need to finish this book. I need to get rid of a lot of baggage that has held me back way too long. I would hate for my parents have to come in my apt. tomorrow and rubbish through painful memories I never got rid of. It's time.

Concluding...

I have come to a conclusion in the last year... there is no way in hell I can change someone's views once their mind is made up. It doesn't matter if it's about religion or their first impressions or misinformation about me. No matter how much you like a person, no matter how sincere you are- there is just a point when you have to give up and move on. He is never going to make a mysterious call confessing that he was wrong all along, she is not going to send an e-mailing apologizing for her disloyalty, it is all up to you to let it go... all the feelings, good or bad.

I can't let things be heavy on my heart anymore. I am sick and tired of being this sincere friend and I am I even more tired of being put on the back burner. There are things that are much more important- and I plan to find them. I am sick of arguing, sick of pleading my case. I won't look back in regret- but you will!

Hypocrite...

I've been thinking about Esco Bar a lot lately. He's just another addition to that list, you know the one I am talking about; the list of all the truly great guys that I have like- but could never have. It's pure agony, because some way or another I see him everyday. It's like Yahweh is teasing me or something. I just can't come to grips with the fact that he will NEVER be mine.

The funny or ironic thing about our situation is the fact that he is a hypocrite. People understood that he made a mistake and people forgave him. Yeah, it seems that every time he makes a brilliant move, there is someone there to bring up the unforgivable past, yet and still that is overridden by his greatness. I wish he has that same virtue. I wish he could hear me out and I wish he could understand that I made a mistake. No matter whether it is my family, an old friend or just a random person- there is ALWAYS someone there to bring up my mistake. But somehow, I am not forgiven. I can not have the man I want and sadly- I can't move on.

In January is will have been four years... four years!!! What is going on with me that it has been four years? What am I doing wrong? I guess I just have a lot of soul searching to do. I just don't have a clue about men. I think I know how to act and what to do, I just act the right way with the wrong man. I need to learn to decipher what the differences are with men and I need to do it soon. I am sick of making decisions for other people- I am finally going to do what's good for me! I am not going to take heed to the judgment of others. I don't care one thinks he is too young, not cute enough, etc. What really matters is how I feel. If I could get back to that moment in the union nearly three years ago, things would be so different now. I was so concerned with what my friends thought. 2003 is far behind me.

More than anything I wish he could see that we're not so different. How can he expect people to forgive him and forget- when he won't even give me the time of day- just a chance?