Dreaming

I dreamed of Charge-it-to-the-Game last night. It was weird. Every time I feel something ending I run back to the first person who hurt me. I start to think of him and where we went wrong. I start to compare and wonder if I've grown. Am I making the same mistakes now that I did when I was 17? That would be a shame. Some people go their entire lives never find the one. It's my personal belief that until you find the one, you will keep making the same mistakes. Or maybe it's that the one will love you enough to look over your mistakes and infirmities. We all have them. I am not sure where my relationship is headed. Maybe I am dreaming, but on the good days I think it could last forever. Then someone says something wrong and an argument erupts from no where. We fight over nothing. We have nothing to fight about. It's our egos. Taurus have those you know? I keep wondering if we can get over our differences. I keep wondering if either one of us will let our guard down. If we both do, this could be something. At the end of the day I am in love and it's not over until it's over. When I think of him I smile. He makes me happy. I have something that none of my friends have. I don't need to shout it from the roof top. I don't need to announce it on Facebook. I have the kind of respect for this man that makes me do things without him asking. I've cut all my males friends off. No more "innocent" text message conversations. I don't really party and drink like I use to. I guess I a looking to solidify things. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I would never want anything to come up, no matter how innocent it may have been, that would make him doubt me. I am going to trust that he is doing the same and until I find out I am just dreaming--this is real.

I Feel Nothing

My heart is so heavy yet so empty. I keep telling myself I am going to do better, but each time I fall hard and get dropped harder. I don't see how it's so easy. How is it easy to not even consider a person you once claimed to love? When did it become the it thing to punish a person who shows they genuinely care for you? I have a lot of friends who treat people--including me--like shit. I always pitied them for it. It's like they are incapable of love. Now, I am realizing they were probably dropped one too many times. I said last time was the last time. I know one thing for certain, I am done with love. I am done loving people who don't give a damn about me.

Preexisting Conditions

Do I tell him I've been hurt before. Can I tell him I've been damaged?
Will he end up getting trust from me like so many before him managed?
I know he's a black man, but will he be an Indian giver?
Snatch the rug from up under my feet--make me cry him a river?
I tried to soften up for him, showed him my vulnerable side.
Said a lot of hurtful things, packed away a lot of pride.
 All he can see is the negative and he will never understand what it took.
To move on so blindly and a start a new chapter in this book.
He will never know how strong I had to be to give us a chance.
He will never know how weak I turned once he had me in his hands.
And for some naive reason I had the notion he'd protect me.
Never saw it coming that he would disrespect, reject and neglect me.
Is it fair that I've been dropped for having these preexisting conditions?
Hated, thrown away like I'm nothing and a lot of things I can't mention?
Trust issues, inferiority complexes and a host of imperfections?
No more insurance, no reassurances, vetoed out, no re-elections?
If I would have known I wouldn't have disclosed my secrets--it was all for nothing.
If I would have known I wouldn't have shown love--I thought we had something.
I never had anyone love me. I never though I would. Apparently I was right.
I need to give in to this something but all I can do is fight.
 Once again, someone pretended to have me with the cruelest of intentions.
Turned his back on me when I was at my lowest and in the greatest need of his attention.
All I could do is reason with him and try to beg-to-be our relationships retention.
He said he was in love but one can't just speak love into existence.
He asked for the key to his heart back then said, "I love you." with no conviction.
I've finally learned in this life no one winks over preexisting conditions.

 Perfect timing.Imperfect love. Imperfect me.

 -For Jarhead

Stand by Me

I never knew what love felt like, 'til He took my hand. Knowing a love like this couldn't come from a natural man. And I make so many mistakes, but He never holds them against me... throws them in my face and pretends to befriend me. Everything we are was pure from the start. Can't even imagine a day when we would part. When I'm absent He's in my heart, when I veer He pushes me on track. I never have to wonder who is going to have my back. I doubt him at every turn yet He's still there to prove. What I can't see from my limited view. And even though I can see him I know what's other never will. What they can't understand is what I know is real. I'm can't tell you what's up or down, but I know to look to Him. And matters that seemed impossible, problems that showed dim... back against the way, are places I was never meant to be. Ways are made of no way and he always stands by me

Faith, Belief, Confidence, Trust, Hope

I'm here and I never though I would be. Life is defined by trials, tribulations and tests. I am trying to walk with a stride that shows my confidence in Dr. Kinley and what He has in store. I have a way of saying a lot by saying nothing. Speaking in code by speaking plainly. This is serious business. I know Kinley is testing me. I know I will fail; I always do, but I am trusting that he will pick up the pieces. That he has something prepared for me. The mistakes I've made leave me baffled. It surprises me that I have made it this far in life without in true disasters. He has truly protected me. I am in a relationship right now that I truly respect. We have a lot of conflicting opinions on what the world is. I call myself religious. He doesn't know what he believes in. I wouldn't call him an Atheist though. Almost everything I believe comes from what Dr. Kinley has shown me. How can I share love with a person who mocks, jokes and has complete disbelief in everything my life is about? I am truly in love with this man but how can he truly love me back if he doesn't know what love is? If he doesn't know who Kinley is? If he doesn't even know who Jesus is supposed to be? I know praying doesn't change anything, but I keep praying to Him. I keep asking for physical stuff and I know it's not right. I am so conflicted. I keep asking Kinley to make everything okay. I keep asking him to give me another chance. I went through the ringer when Michael and I stopped talking back in July. I thought it was the end of my life. I truly thought I would never love another man again, but I was wrong--so wrong. I am starting to realize, certain people are for certain things. At the time I felt like Yahweh hated me. I am ashamed to say it, but even now, while I am happy, I still question if he loves me. It's like I am so nervous to have the rug ripped from underneath me. It's a really negative way to think but I am so consumed with what could go wrong that I can't even enjoy my relationship. I've taken to this blog many times. Crying about what I can't changed. Rejoicing about something or someone new. But, I've never been here.