Tears for the Past, Prayers for the Future

We seldom thank Yahweh for the things He never brought to pass. When we are in a bind we send prayers up--if we aren't too scared to talk to Him. When things are good, we don't mind giving thanks. We beg for things we don't need and turn our noses up at things we don't want. At every turn we are contempt with being content. Almost never do we take the time to reflect on what could have been. We never think about why things are the way they are. We are unappreciative and ungrateful. We refuse to consider not only why but by what means. The means are His grace. Relationships always plagued me. For the first time in years, I am in one I cherish. We argue and have issues, but thinking about him makes me happy. He cares about my life. He shows interest in a what I do. Things aren't perfect but it's a pleasure to be a contestant. Only one other relationship held this seriousness and that turned out to be a joke. And although I am in the midst of good times, I can't help but think about the past. Today, I thought about Big Time. He's in prison. I also thought about ALIas. He's in prison too. I went down the line, one by one and I am so glad Yahweh didn't allow them to happen. I think about Charge it to the Game. I think about Tee, Esco Bar and even Dynamite and they just weren't meant to be. Or maybe it's more of, I wasn't meant to be. I was too young. I didn't know myself. If they would have happened then, I would have been so unhappy now. And if I would have had them then and been unhappy now I would be unhappy FOREVER. Instead, I have Jarhead. Right now I'm pouring liquor out. Rest in Peace to my past. I don't know what Yahweh has planned for the future but I won't question it. I can tell from the past that it will be okay. But, I don't really need prayers because I have faith. But I shall pray and praise him anyway <3

It Be Like That...

Relationships are hard. I try. I fail. I love. I am tricked. Same story different face. Hurt is normal. They say good sentences are under twenty five words, but what if my feelings runs on? I think men take me as a joke and I think I make it easy on them. I'd like to say I don't care, but I do. I'd like to say I am like the rest of my friends, but I am not. Maybe it's a flaw in me. Maybe my flaws are why they don't stay. I know I am not perfect, but what makes it easy to hate a person? What makes it so easy to never consider what another person feels? I use to think it was some men, but this last man just proved it's all men. I am not the relationship type. I can't handle when it's over. Money taught me something important; longevity does not equal loyalty. And Teufelshunde taught me something most important; love amongst man does not exist. Two invaluable lessons. I met Money when I was 12. I met Teufelshunde this year. Same result. And it hurts no less. I had a conversation with Darling a month ago about relationships. We had been flirting with the idea of being in one until Teufelshunde came along. He said monogamy doesn't scare him, but relationships do. "...I dont need to go other places. I have spent a lot of time with [one person]. It's the relying on just one person for all other needs. And when that person is unavailable you are stuck." I didn't get what he meant then, but I get it now. We need to take people for who they are. The thing about relationships is you never know if a person was serious until it's over. You never know if it were game until time expires. He never loved me. He was never in love with me. I always knew this deep down. He was always looking for a way out while I was looking for a way in. In the end, there was nothing I could say to change his mind about how he felt for me, so I had to let him go. Why make him suffer if it's that hard to care about me? It's not worth it. Most days I disappoint myself. After I love, I say, "I told you so." I keep thinking this time is going to be different. It is what it is. It be like that in the hood sometimes, G. Men can't accept love. And women are blind a naive. I thought it was different. I think I need another break to figure out what's for me. But do I have two more years. Cheers to 24 months of solace.