Past-Present

Just lying here in my old bedroom. My how I've grown, but things haven't changed. I've always felt trapped. I'm done feeling this way. I think about this so-called new year approaching and I want to make goals. I can't be in this same place when 2013 is approaching.

I just want to be able to breath. I want my own little place on this earth. Somewhere that's not tainted. I want friends who are secure. I just want to be happy, by myself.

Single isn't so bad. People want love, they just don't want it with me. That's something I've accepted. I just want a consistent positivety.

Serial Insomniac

It's crazy, for the last two years I've had insomnia like crazy. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I slept like a baby. I guess my mind is clear and although that moment of clarity was forced on me, I appreciate it. I've finally got the drive to move on. I forgot what it feels like to be love, to be like even.

I've been emotionally painting myself in corner for years. I go after men who are interested and then when the forseen manifests I blame them and oddly enough I blame myself. Instead of seeing everyone is not for everybody, I've been destined to change the stars. In the end I now see, I have to fuck with whoever fucks with me. You can't force interest on money or people. It takes times and more importantly one has to already have a substancial amount of stock to already invest.

No one wants to be with an insecure, inconfident person. Men love women who have already found themselves.

I am done loving people--male and female--who don't love me. In an effort to be kind, I also welcome advances from people I could never have interest in. I'm done with that too. Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. There is no gray area for me. I've never had a man "grow on me." And I suspect it won't start happening now. I'm either going to have to wait, patiently, or settle.

I'm not blaming anyone and I know Yahweh has it all set up. The last time I remember being happy in love--I wasn't happy in love, I was happy to be in it--was during the 5th Ave/Polaris era. I'm going to get back to that, maybe tonight. It's been six long years since I've loved someone freely with no inhibitions. With them, it didn't matter what they had or where they came from.

I'm just ready to get this last day over with and let the 5 day weekend come on. We usually get off and hour early the day before hxoliday time, so I'll be out by three if I can get myself out of bed and into the office.

I want to always be proud of the woman I've become. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 28 years, but gratefully I have done anything that I can't bounce back from. I forgive on every turn and I've been taken back by some people who are so undeserving of the treatment I've given them.

My heart isn't heavy and I'm finally sleeping. This time around I played no games and it didn't work out, so I'm leaving my problems at the alter. No one else will do me like Yahweh does me and he's given me rest.

May 1, 2012

I don't know what it is about writing this last poem that has me plagued. I've been trying to write it for weeks. It's pretty sad. I want to get all of these feelings out on paper before my next trip to Cleveland. The reality is, I am ready to move on. Just today it hit me, I am focusing on the wrong man. If Yahweh isn't the be all and end all, then he can't be the all in all. I thought I'd made up with Darnell last time I was home, but it turns out, he is still being a jerk. But I am happy about it. It reminded me of how much I was feeling him in the late summer/early fall. The way I have been obsessing about Dynamite is the same way I was obsessing about him. In the end, I will get over this Dynamite thing. The only reason it's taking so long is because there are no other prospects and I put him on a pedestal taller than he.

In the end, it would have been beautiful, but would have is not good enough. I need someone who understands I am just as special as he is. I want to be 50/50 which really means 100. I'm not asking for too much. And, I don't deserve to be treated like trash. I know, the affirmations are killing this post, but it is what it is. I love who loves me and I dismiss who hates me, in theory.

Life is hard and death is easy and I'd have it no other way. I am so appreciative for what I have and I try to remind myself of how lucky I am. I have had the pleasure of knowing my parents my entire life. I have two strong, beautiful older sister who provide a perfect example of what a young lady should be. My nephew represents all the pure truths that I try to ignore. My relationship with Derrick, my best friend, has proved to be both challenging. Every one is everything I need. A man could only be the icing at best.

I am sure that down the line space will be made for a more permanent place for men in my life, but not right now. Games are the thing of the 20s and I'll ride it out gladly. I think 2013 has something in store for me & CMB anyhow. Out with the old, in with the new. 29, bring it on!

Poem Cry

Good dude, you know I love you but all you say is prove
It, on some b shit, but I never quit and I'm feeling this is the end of this
You say go up and I do, then you say I'm not down?
I'd rather you tell me to leave. Be real you don't want me around

Tell me who I have to be to get some, I'm not Lauryn, so I won't say it
And I ain't your dad so I can't play it.
And I ain't the other girl so I can't sing it.
All I can do is write it and hope you read it how I mean it.

Sometimes I sit and wonder from where the hate comes
You say you ain't thinking like me, so what are you thinking of
I see ur other girls and I'm thinking maybe I ain't light enough
And it kills me to know all I have for you is unrequited love

I swore we were better than that, but you aren't even my friend
And when I take a step back you say I'm acting like a man
You want something sweet but you pitch mud at me
I don't know if ur just bitter or if I just make you that unhappy
Cause if you don't have feelings, like you claim not to have
Why we always got conflicts and awkward laughs
You treat me like you don't know me when we're in the most public of places
But when we're alone you hit me with the most intimate of embraces
I won't cross that line without certainty, but when I say commit you say you ain't ready
Then the next week you have someone else with whom you're steady
So what's really going on

I got you on this pedastal. I got you as a dream
Not even my type, but I wrote you in the scene
I smile while its killing me and I stop by for a glance
I keep waiting on my moment, I kept waiting on my chance
Sent text message as a lullably, cards on Valentine
Still I've never been given due consideration that should've been mine
You give so freely to opposites and nothing to the one who relates
Never asked for a relationship just wanted to date
Been had me writing poems never even thought about a ring
Shit I barely even rap, but you make me want to sing
I just wanted to be close to you. I just wanted to be by your side
I didn't need strings attached, I just wanted to ride
I wanted you to care enough to set aside pride
I wanted to be there to brave your lows and around to salute your highs
I wanted to be with you from eternity through the end time
I wanted all of this knowing you'd never be mine
So, why should I keep trying when you never gave me a fair try?
I can't see 'em coming down my eyes, so I gotta make the poem cry. -For Dynamite