I Can't Cry for You; Melt My Heart to Stone

"And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name, like there could be an us. I best tidy up my head, I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love." -Adele

I could lie, but I won't because this is supposed to be our truth.
Nothing on this earth will be right if I don't have you.
I could say I'd stand still, but the reality is I'd keep moving...
All the while I'd be pretending I'm not wondering what you're doing.
I want to be there for you and give you what you deserve.
I want to be so in love with you that I'd go to the ends of the earth.
And you tell me you think the world of me, but you put everyone in the world before me.
And you act like I'm the bad guy to warming up to other men who show they adore me.
Then you tell me you don't want to be in a relationship and I turn around and you're seeing someone else.
It's like you do just enough to keep me on the shelf.
You don't even speak to me in public, so what do you want me to be?
 Because even at your best, you're not treating me friendly.
It's like I'm at the bottom of the barrel and I don't know what I've done...
To go from "you'll always be in my life" to "you'll never be the one."
It's like I never mattered. It's like I was never there.
And I can't even cry for you. It's like you never cared.

"I hear your words you made up. I say your name, like there should be an us. I best tidy my head. I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love." -Adele

-For Dynomite

Dynomite

I don't know how I feel anymore. I thought I was in love, but not so much anymore. Maybe it was infatuation. Maybe it was lust. Maybe it was convenience. I refuse to believe that love would treat me so coldly. It's even sadder when you think you really know the person who is causing all your pain. I think I have a problem with putting certain people in my life on a pedestal. It's like I expect hurt from some people, while other I hold in this light of perfection. I guess I'm just setting everyone up for failure.

At the end of the day, it is what it is. I can't make someone love me if they don't. There are no words (spoken or unspoken) that will change how one feels for me. Although, I think that it's common courtesy to hear a person out. I've always let people say their piece, whether I thought they deserved it or not. I've always been fair. I can not understand why I am not treated with the same regard. Why do people think they are better than me?

Because I refuse to let the words of my heart fall on empty ears, I'll say it here where it really matters.

A long time ago, I met a boy. He started as a friend until one day I realized how fabulous he is. He never showed interest in me, so I decided I'd go at his pace. He kept girlfriend....girlfriends that I'd of thought were beneath him. Then one day, I took a love and for a long time, I stopped considering that boy. Once Maize & Blue was out of my life, I saw that this boy has become a man. And for some reason I caught him when he was single. Even when I wasn't trying, I'd run into him. I understand that running into a person you know isn't usually a big thing, but it's an astronomical thing when those two people live in different cities. I had run into him at Walgreens, CVS, Dillards, Beachwood Mall, Skully's, just the most random of places. We've never talked about, but I wonder, if he ever thinks about it...

To make a long story short, I felt like all of these encounters combined with feelings I've harbored for nearly two decades meant something. But I found out last Wednesday that they and I mean nothing at all. Sometimes people have egos and pride issues to compensate for something else. I only hope that one day he sees what he walked away from.

Batter Up!

The right guy at the wrong time, that's the charm of Lindsay. No matter what I do, the cookie always seems to crumble that way. I'm starting to get comfortable with the thought of being alone forever. That scares me. Being content with settling isn't healthy, but it is what it is.

Things aren't going to greatly with CMB. The normal progression of things are fine, he's looking for another job and a new apartment so that he can move on from his current, romantic situation. Surprising to me, he has been going out to the club and hanging out with the fellas as well. The biggest shocker is that after over two years, he started drinking again. All those things are saying he really wants to be with me, but I am nervous that this isn't going to work.

We see eye to eye on so many things, but still there is this divide. We don't have the same goals in life. I want to be in love, get married and have babies. He just wants to be in love. I guess I am looking for someone who WANTS to be a husband and father. He says that if we took that step, he would do anything to make the relationship work, but I don't think marriage and parenthood should be something that is compromised. You compromise Splenda for sugar, faucet water for Evian, but one should not decide that to make his/her partner happy, they will become something they'd never planned. I think that so many relationships are founded on that notion and true to form, so many relationships are ending.

Being madly in love and seeing yourself in another person's soul is no longer the making of marriages. It's now butter and bullshit. It's like, what can I do to slide through the cracks. What game can I spit to get this person to thinking we are on the same page.

I don't think CMB is insincere, I just think there's a divide we are both unwilling to address.

When I start with the serious talk, he shuts down. He makes it seem as if it's all one side. But then when I start referring to him as friend and homie, like I did about 6 weeks ago, he sends me a song called "Lotus Flower Bomb" and says it describes how he feels about me. Not, 6 weeks later, the song is a single and people are playing it out and I am starting to feel the same way about our ups and downs....it's played the fuck out. Either you want something or you don't. Everyone needs time to be alone, but somethings got to give. I can't keep up with the hot and cold. I guess if would be different if I were luke-warm, but that's far from the truth.

I feel this man. And I can't say he is the one, but I would love to be with him. I guess it's kind of like IDMR. Some people just never leave your heart. No matter how hard you try. I talk a lot of shit, but there are some people who will always be under my skin and all it takes is a glance from them for all the feelings to come rushing back.

So, right now I have these two fabulous men in my life. They both have a completely different endings to offer me. They both irritate me to my bones...but even in the thick of it, I think they're both incredible. With all that being said, neither one of them is stepping up to the plate.