Sunday, April 27, 2008
Niggas
A negro will always be a negro. They don't change (especially over night). They offer fake apologies and tell you what you want to hear, all the while having no intention to compromise! I am disgusted in a major way. Anywho, ERASED!!! The Mint Chocolate has SOOOOO much memory space in its phone book right now! Re- up time! Fuck these weak ass CLEVELAND niggas!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Arguing
It seems that no one likes to admit they're an arguer. Recently, I had a conversation with my Heights Boy (who will now be referred to as "Pretty Brown Eye"). He basically said that he is not the type to argue with a girl. I kind of had the same discussion with Ugly Mitch last year. Any who, I just don't see how anyone can truly say they care about someone, but won't argue in order to save the relationship. I would never let a man walk away from me if I really cared about him.... at least not without a fight. And to tell the truth, I would never be with a guy who is not worth fighting for!
I guess what I am trying to say is, I want a man who thinks I'm worth fighting for. I want a man who is willing to step outside of his box and compromise. No one wants to waste time arguing. No one wants to fight... well, let me rephrase that. The war in Iraq! It's not that we're in Iraq, it's the fact that we're in Iraq for no reason. If we were in Iraq and we knew what we were fighting for, it wouldn't be an issue. But that's not the case. In a relationship, one you really care about- you don't mind fighting. I hate when men don't care to argue or make their case... but then claim they care. Those are contradictory statements.
Life can sometimes be sickening and men are not as dull as they seem. They try to come off like they're oblivious, but they play us like flutes! They don't apologize, not really. They say things like, "I'm sorry you took what I said this way." or "I'm sorry you were hurt." It's basically like saying, "Your point of view is fucked up, I'm sorry your opinion is leading you to be upset but you need to start seeing the world through my eyes, so then we won't have an issue!" It's so belittling, condescending, infuriating! I don't feed too much into things- I just see them like they are. It's over, I am just looking for someone who is into me as much as I am into them. Nothing else really matters.
I guess what I am trying to say is, I want a man who thinks I'm worth fighting for. I want a man who is willing to step outside of his box and compromise. No one wants to waste time arguing. No one wants to fight... well, let me rephrase that. The war in Iraq! It's not that we're in Iraq, it's the fact that we're in Iraq for no reason. If we were in Iraq and we knew what we were fighting for, it wouldn't be an issue. But that's not the case. In a relationship, one you really care about- you don't mind fighting. I hate when men don't care to argue or make their case... but then claim they care. Those are contradictory statements.
Life can sometimes be sickening and men are not as dull as they seem. They try to come off like they're oblivious, but they play us like flutes! They don't apologize, not really. They say things like, "I'm sorry you took what I said this way." or "I'm sorry you were hurt." It's basically like saying, "Your point of view is fucked up, I'm sorry your opinion is leading you to be upset but you need to start seeing the world through my eyes, so then we won't have an issue!" It's so belittling, condescending, infuriating! I don't feed too much into things- I just see them like they are. It's over, I am just looking for someone who is into me as much as I am into them. Nothing else really matters.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
CANCELLED
So, yea... you know your girl L.J., always waiting until the last minute to do everything. Procrastination can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. On a good day I leave for my one o'clock class around 12:30, but of course 12:30 came and left, yet I was still finishing up my homework! So I hear my text message alert go off, and of course I ignore it. Jumping up and throwing on some clothes, I head for the door. As I am approaching my car- keys in hand, I decide to check that text. THANK YAHWEH I did, because it was a chick from my class informing me that it's been CANCELLED! YAY! As I briskly walked back into my cribbo, I started to think about some things. Procrastination is generally treated as a negative trait...but what if the things we automatically and sometimes prejudicely assume have negative connotation, aren't so bad after all?
If I had a nickel for every occasion a man turned me down and I looked back in retrospect and gave praise for it, I'd be...Bill Gates! The funny thing is, sometimes we really just don't know what we want in life. We bitch over trivial things, but when the big factors occur in our lives-we don't know how to handle it. Life is so simple, it's just the fact that we're so set on making it difficult and end up wasting so much time complaining, we don't have time to stop and smell the flowers. We need to learn to let things GO! Unanswered phone call? Just say, "Fuck him!" No response to that text? Just say, "Fuck him!" Does he throw up an away message when you i.m. him? Just say, "Fuck him!" CANCEL that person out! Before you know it, he'll be the one calling-texting-iming you. And you'll be... on another broadcast channel, watching another PRIME TIME man, and all the while his show is being CANCELLED!
"Some luck lies in not getting what you want but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see it's what you would have wanted had you known."
~Garrison Keillor
If I had a nickel for every occasion a man turned me down and I looked back in retrospect and gave praise for it, I'd be...Bill Gates! The funny thing is, sometimes we really just don't know what we want in life. We bitch over trivial things, but when the big factors occur in our lives-we don't know how to handle it. Life is so simple, it's just the fact that we're so set on making it difficult and end up wasting so much time complaining, we don't have time to stop and smell the flowers. We need to learn to let things GO! Unanswered phone call? Just say, "Fuck him!" No response to that text? Just say, "Fuck him!" Does he throw up an away message when you i.m. him? Just say, "Fuck him!" CANCEL that person out! Before you know it, he'll be the one calling-texting-iming you. And you'll be... on another broadcast channel, watching another PRIME TIME man, and all the while his show is being CANCELLED!
"Some luck lies in not getting what you want but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see it's what you would have wanted had you known."
~Garrison Keillor
Monday, April 21, 2008
Good Advice
Conversing with Mustang a couple weeks ago made me realize a lot about myself. We've been dating for the past year, the last 6 months of which have been OFF. The conversation took place late night, after I left from celebrating Mykl's birthday at The Black Horse. After having a couple drinks which allowed me to muster up enough courage to hit him up, I stopped by and we chatted for a couple of hours. The good conversation reminded me of how much fun I use to have with him last summer. Sometimes, a good thing is missed as soon as it's gone, but then there are the other occasions when the realization of having missed something or someone all along doesn't creep up until you have them back. It's kind of similar to when a person doesn't realize how heavy their cravings are until they start eating, then after eating half a cow- one might say, "I didn't even realize I was that hungry!" That's how I was feeling while I was chilling with Mustang, but instead of expressing how hungry I was unaware... I said, "I really like you."After a pregnant pause, Mustang gave me an infuriating yet valid response. He asked me, "How could you possibly say you like me when we haven't talked in 6 months?" It would have been nice if he would have left it at that, but over the last two weeks, I just feel like I am in the dog house. It seems that he is trying to convince me to hate him. Sadly, this isn't an unfamiliar territory for me.
Why do men always zero in on the negative aspects of a situation? I once confided in Big Time, only for him to turn around and scold me for complaining! It's very seldom to run into a nigga who can realize, a woman only confides in people she feels she can trust. Her complaints shouldn't be magnified, but her efforts to be vulnerable enough to reveal shit that she normally wouldn't tell a soul should be appreciated. He should rejoice in the fact that she trusts him. Any other time men are complaining about NOT HAVING trust from a woman. But when a woman hands her trust out on a silver platter what does he do?
Then there is another nigga I am cool with who complains about the time I try to spend with him. Since he lives in Cleveland and my parents live in Cleveland he feels as if he shouldn't give me any of his time because I am not visiting Cleveland exclusively for him. He pitched his ridiculous OPINION at me for nearly 30 minutes, but then when he came to visit me in Columbus, with the claim of being here exclusively for me, he ditches me for his friend. COME ON! Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E? To believe I dropped my plans on a beautiful Friday night for a nigga who hit me with the LIE that he was going to be in town for ONE NIGHT ONLY! Someone, a man especially, who is going to be in town for one night ONLY, does not pack for three days. The TRUTH is that he only PLANNED to spend one night with me. The TRUTH is that he was going to spend the other two days with his needy friend. The TRUTH is he is not man enough to call a spade a spade! Just keep it real, you want to bitch about me not being exclusive to you, but then you want to try and make me feel bad ALL THE WHILE you are doing the same thing? I may have a baby face, but I was not born yesterday. The anger didn't even hit me until he insulted me by coming back to my apt in the middle of the night when he knew I was drunk! WTF is that? He tried to disguise the whole ordeal with "concern" but on arrival tried to force me to kiss him? He didn't try to force me to talk to him. He didn't try to force comfort on me, he tried to kiss me, lol. COME ON! Niggas kill me! He couldn't appreciate that while I could spend all of my time in Cleveland with my family, I choose to try and get up with him. It took this whole bullshit weekend to confirm what I already knew. Niggas want to have their cake and eat it too. He's just like Big Time!
At the end of the night, I think about Mustang. I think about Big Time. I think about... did I ever give him a code name? Anyhow, I think about "him" too. I really start to ask myself, "Why do I like these guys?" They see right through me and CHOOSE to pick at the negative things. They choose to recognize my vulnerability and dub it NEGATIVITY when they are the ones being negative. These men, that I claim to like see me as a monster, so what should I view them as? I tell you what, I am done begging for acceptance. Last night I started erasing phones numbers and it was so liberating. The advice Mustang gave hurt me at the time, but after I had a moment to consider what he was saying, it all makes sense. How can I say I like him when I haven't talked to him in six month? I can't. Why do I like these niggas who are so unfair to me? I don't. I'm like Torvald in A Doll's House, "I've never loved them. I only thought it amusing to be in love with them." They like it, I LOVE IT! I'm done with arguing. I'm done with pleading my case. I just want a guy who is man enough to appreciate a real woman!
Why do men always zero in on the negative aspects of a situation? I once confided in Big Time, only for him to turn around and scold me for complaining! It's very seldom to run into a nigga who can realize, a woman only confides in people she feels she can trust. Her complaints shouldn't be magnified, but her efforts to be vulnerable enough to reveal shit that she normally wouldn't tell a soul should be appreciated. He should rejoice in the fact that she trusts him. Any other time men are complaining about NOT HAVING trust from a woman. But when a woman hands her trust out on a silver platter what does he do?
Then there is another nigga I am cool with who complains about the time I try to spend with him. Since he lives in Cleveland and my parents live in Cleveland he feels as if he shouldn't give me any of his time because I am not visiting Cleveland exclusively for him. He pitched his ridiculous OPINION at me for nearly 30 minutes, but then when he came to visit me in Columbus, with the claim of being here exclusively for me, he ditches me for his friend. COME ON! Can we spell H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E? To believe I dropped my plans on a beautiful Friday night for a nigga who hit me with the LIE that he was going to be in town for ONE NIGHT ONLY! Someone, a man especially, who is going to be in town for one night ONLY, does not pack for three days. The TRUTH is that he only PLANNED to spend one night with me. The TRUTH is that he was going to spend the other two days with his needy friend. The TRUTH is he is not man enough to call a spade a spade! Just keep it real, you want to bitch about me not being exclusive to you, but then you want to try and make me feel bad ALL THE WHILE you are doing the same thing? I may have a baby face, but I was not born yesterday. The anger didn't even hit me until he insulted me by coming back to my apt in the middle of the night when he knew I was drunk! WTF is that? He tried to disguise the whole ordeal with "concern" but on arrival tried to force me to kiss him? He didn't try to force me to talk to him. He didn't try to force comfort on me, he tried to kiss me, lol. COME ON! Niggas kill me! He couldn't appreciate that while I could spend all of my time in Cleveland with my family, I choose to try and get up with him. It took this whole bullshit weekend to confirm what I already knew. Niggas want to have their cake and eat it too. He's just like Big Time!
At the end of the night, I think about Mustang. I think about Big Time. I think about... did I ever give him a code name? Anyhow, I think about "him" too. I really start to ask myself, "Why do I like these guys?" They see right through me and CHOOSE to pick at the negative things. They choose to recognize my vulnerability and dub it NEGATIVITY when they are the ones being negative. These men, that I claim to like see me as a monster, so what should I view them as? I tell you what, I am done begging for acceptance. Last night I started erasing phones numbers and it was so liberating. The advice Mustang gave hurt me at the time, but after I had a moment to consider what he was saying, it all makes sense. How can I say I like him when I haven't talked to him in six month? I can't. Why do I like these niggas who are so unfair to me? I don't. I'm like Torvald in A Doll's House, "I've never loved them. I only thought it amusing to be in love with them." They like it, I LOVE IT! I'm done with arguing. I'm done with pleading my case. I just want a guy who is man enough to appreciate a real woman!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Random
So, I am just sitting here on this Sunday morning washing sheets. I really should be in bible school, but I woke up LATE as ever! I have been doing a lot of thinking as of late. Where is my life headed and who do I want to spend it with? Out of desperation I think that a lot of my decision making toward men is completely fabricated. Do I really have love for these dudes, probably not! So, why am I being so persistent. Why am I trying to make something out of nothing? Why haven't I just moved on?
I was listening to this Jamie Foxx song last night and it made me realize that love should not be forced. I should be easy going. Of course anything worth having has a certain amount of work included, but should so much work be necessary so early? This is the time when thing are supposed to be flowing, I'm young. I will be 25 in two weeks and I am putting so much stress on things that shouldn't hold any importance in my life. Why is that? I think I have gotten to the point that I let other people put a value on my life. I let other people get in my ear and alter what I have always loved about myself; INDEPENDENCE! The funny thing about these people who have so much negative shit to say about me and my life is, they're unhappy with there own lives. A couple of weeks ago I had a friend tell me I have a negative demeanor! Instead of taking it in I should have stopped him in his tracks and said, "No my demeanor is not negative, you're just a JERK!" But, I didn't do that, I let him win that battle. People who judge other people's lives are simply unhappy with their own. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to point out the negative. Take one to know one, remember that saying? When on is happy, all they can focus on is the beauty in things. They don't have time... no let me rephrase that, they don't waste the time to be negative.
I have just been having a lot of RANDOM thoughts. All I am know is I am growing everyday. Others might not approve, but I love the woman I am and I love the woman I am becoming. These niggas are going to look back in regret, but me, I'm going to look forward. I will never stop and say, "damn I really fucked that up," or "why didn't I get with him when I had the chance!." The most I will do is think, "what the fuck was I thinking when I tried to holler at him." Self sufficiency is key.
I was listening to this Jamie Foxx song last night and it made me realize that love should not be forced. I should be easy going. Of course anything worth having has a certain amount of work included, but should so much work be necessary so early? This is the time when thing are supposed to be flowing, I'm young. I will be 25 in two weeks and I am putting so much stress on things that shouldn't hold any importance in my life. Why is that? I think I have gotten to the point that I let other people put a value on my life. I let other people get in my ear and alter what I have always loved about myself; INDEPENDENCE! The funny thing about these people who have so much negative shit to say about me and my life is, they're unhappy with there own lives. A couple of weeks ago I had a friend tell me I have a negative demeanor! Instead of taking it in I should have stopped him in his tracks and said, "No my demeanor is not negative, you're just a JERK!" But, I didn't do that, I let him win that battle. People who judge other people's lives are simply unhappy with their own. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to point out the negative. Take one to know one, remember that saying? When on is happy, all they can focus on is the beauty in things. They don't have time... no let me rephrase that, they don't waste the time to be negative.
I have just been having a lot of RANDOM thoughts. All I am know is I am growing everyday. Others might not approve, but I love the woman I am and I love the woman I am becoming. These niggas are going to look back in regret, but me, I'm going to look forward. I will never stop and say, "damn I really fucked that up," or "why didn't I get with him when I had the chance!." The most I will do is think, "what the fuck was I thinking when I tried to holler at him." Self sufficiency is key.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
WITH "FRIENDS" LIKE THESE... Who Needs Enemies?
Here recently I've been going through drama with Charisse as a result of her MALICIOUSLY stealing MY baby name. I tried to approach the situation like an adult, but when on a playground- do as the children do. Its crazy to think that I am damn near 25 and my friends STILL don't have minds of their own. Its all so exhausting! What started out as something that should have been left between Charisse and I, has now been blown completely out of proportion. Now, all these bitches who shouldn't have anything to do with it in the first place are throwing their two cents into the mix. Then, they all want to make the claim, "I'M NOT TAKING SIDE?" BULLSHIT! If there are two friends feuding and one wants to STAY OUT OF IT, they simply refrain from giving an opinion at all. If you find yourself calling one friend and agreeing with her only to turn around and call the opposing friend and agree with everything she has to say ALSO- that is not "staying out of it!" In fact, there is a term for that.... it's called PLAYING BOTH SIDES better known as BEING TWO FACED. I swear the definition people have for "not choosing sides" is ridiculous! Furthermore, peoples' definition of being a friend is even worse!
I can tell you one thing, FRIENDS are over rated. I don't want to have to compete with my friends. I want my friends to be happy for me the way I am always happy for them. I don't want to feel awkward around my girl because her HUSBAND is hitting me. How am I going to explain to her that her man is hitting me up asking what I think our baby would look like, because he is OBVIOUSLY not pleased with the way his two children with her came out looking! I don't want to bite my tongue because my other friend has started a relationship with a guy from my past. If I ever try to tell her, "he is still screwing his ex (also another close friend of mine)," she is going to just say I am hating or call me jealous! I don't want to wonder if my friends are talking about me behind me back the way they talk about one another. I don't want to have to hide my belonging every time one of them comes over in fear that they are going to either steal, mimic, or hate on my possessions. It's all too exhausting!
I am not going to spend too much time worrying about any of this but it's seem everyone is upset because I didn't go to Bar Louie last night? So the fuck what! Last week, these same bitches intentionally went to Bar Louie without me! So now, a week later- they want to pity me and invite me? I'm good. Yea, I went to Bar Louie, I just didn't go with you bitches! It's fine when you guys leave me out, but when the tables turn and I don't go with you guys, it's a problem? That is the most HYPOCRITICAL shit I have ever heard!
Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it with people who don't appreciate who you really are. I am done with the phony friendships. I am done sending texts and making calls to a man who obviously wouldn't know a GOOD WOMAN if she smacked him in the face! I am making a conscious effort to make my life the best it can be. I wrote the majority of my first chapter last night and my mind is solely devoted to this novel right now. Nothing else matters. I know who my real friends are and I have known for over a decade. I know who really loves me- and I shouldn't have to waste time convincing idiots to do the same. I am content with where I am in life and who is in my life as of now! Sometimes its hard to walk away from the people you have loved for so long, but if they never really loved you- what's the point in staying?
I can tell you one thing, FRIENDS are over rated. I don't want to have to compete with my friends. I want my friends to be happy for me the way I am always happy for them. I don't want to feel awkward around my girl because her HUSBAND is hitting me. How am I going to explain to her that her man is hitting me up asking what I think our baby would look like, because he is OBVIOUSLY not pleased with the way his two children with her came out looking! I don't want to bite my tongue because my other friend has started a relationship with a guy from my past. If I ever try to tell her, "he is still screwing his ex (also another close friend of mine)," she is going to just say I am hating or call me jealous! I don't want to wonder if my friends are talking about me behind me back the way they talk about one another. I don't want to have to hide my belonging every time one of them comes over in fear that they are going to either steal, mimic, or hate on my possessions. It's all too exhausting!
I am not going to spend too much time worrying about any of this but it's seem everyone is upset because I didn't go to Bar Louie last night? So the fuck what! Last week, these same bitches intentionally went to Bar Louie without me! So now, a week later- they want to pity me and invite me? I'm good. Yea, I went to Bar Louie, I just didn't go with you bitches! It's fine when you guys leave me out, but when the tables turn and I don't go with you guys, it's a problem? That is the most HYPOCRITICAL shit I have ever heard!
Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it with people who don't appreciate who you really are. I am done with the phony friendships. I am done sending texts and making calls to a man who obviously wouldn't know a GOOD WOMAN if she smacked him in the face! I am making a conscious effort to make my life the best it can be. I wrote the majority of my first chapter last night and my mind is solely devoted to this novel right now. Nothing else matters. I know who my real friends are and I have known for over a decade. I know who really loves me- and I shouldn't have to waste time convincing idiots to do the same. I am content with where I am in life and who is in my life as of now! Sometimes its hard to walk away from the people you have loved for so long, but if they never really loved you- what's the point in staying?
Neither Out Far Nor In Deep
The people along the sand
All turn and look one way.
They turn their back on the land.
They look at the sea all day.
As long as it takes to pass
A ship keeps raising its hull;
The wetter ground like glass
Reflects a standing gull.
The land may vary more;
But wherever the truth may be-
The water comes ashore,
And the people look at the sea.
They cannot look out far.
They cannot look in deep.
But when was that ever a bar
To any watch they keep?
~Robert Frost 1934
I am sooooo in love with this poem. I want to immediately go out on a limb and say it's second best to Nikki Giovanni's Nikki Rosa, but I won't go there quite yet. The metaphoric background Frost holds allows me to completely see his angle. Anywho, I think that the poem completely represents the way I see myself, like the sea ;-)
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