Just Tryna' Make A Dollar Outta' Fifteen Cents

Right now I am on my grind, the way I should have been five years ago. One can't cry over spilled milk, so I am trying to do the things now that will make my life the best in the future. This whole school thing is really dragging me down, but I am not a quitter. I need to get back at OSU asap because unlike I was lead to believe, Columbus State is not cheaper. I am realizing that I need to stop taking the advice of others' and start listening to my own heart!

These last few days I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past; people who use to be in my life, the things I use to enjoy doing, and the places I use to love going. I am a different person now. The only time I want to go to the club is to run into someone specific, shopping and spending money on frivolous things now makes me feel guilty, and my taste in friends has definitely changed. I use to entertain people, even when I knew they weren't my friends, but now a days I don't even waste my time on friendships. Most of the people I hang around I do love, but more than anything I am counting the seconds until they let me down. I am so use to phoniness and disappointment- that I can not even enjoy my relationship.... it kind of sucks! I guess my rationalization lies in the fact that the people who are really meant to be in my like will somehow sift their way through my bullshit antics. Well, I do not completely think that my antics are all bullshit, seeing that they are based on the fact that so many "friends" have proved themselves to be all but. I don't know, but I do know things will get better.

This trip to Houston will hopefully be a good one. I am just ready to relax and stop thinking about what is going on in Ohio. Worrying about my family is starting to drain me. Stressing about bills and school (with no income coming in) is starting to weigh on me also. I just need some me time; solitude. I hope this guy doesn't try to pressure me into anything, because its not happening and I will just have to blow some more money and be on the first thing smoking to Columbus, but I am somewhat confident that things will be fine. Yahweh planned this trip for some reason. Otherwise someone wouldn't have hit me out of the blue and offered to pay for my trip right in the midst of me having money troubles. I guess Yahweh just knows I need a break from life and I can not wait to take it!

I have made a lot of weird decisions this year. I got that lump sum from Delphi and I don't know where it went... but at the same time I no longer have ANY credit card debt, I put a dent into my student loans, and I got my ass back in school- so all is not lost. I moved into my own apartment, and apt. that I am starting to realize may be to rich for my blood ($246 electric bill?!?!), but I am going to make it work. 2008 is one 1/4 in and already I have so many questions about the choices I've made. Well, whatever happens by 2009 I promise to have no regrets and hopefully I will be in a better position ending this year than what I was beginning it. People judge me everyday, but I have come a long way- I came from nothing, I've made something out of nothing. If these walls could talk...

Disaster

Ok, so I am a firm believer in not planning things and just letting it happen but last night was horrible for me. I am not sure where I went wrong or if it was I that went wrong, but the whole situation was wrong. How can something that seems so good go so bad? It's the friends, the ones who you really care about that always seem let you down. Dazed & Confused...

EMTIONALLY Drained

Life is so complicated and everyday I find a way to make it worse. I am just dissatisfied with some of the decisions I've made in recent months.

It's a hard to task to keep an open heart without taking advice from people. The irony in that task is the fact that listening to unstable friends will fuck you life all the way up! Last year I took the advice of one of my girls about a guy I had been seeing. Consequently he and I fell out over the advice. Months later I am finding out that the information and the advice that was given to me was false and misdirected. Now I am sitting back with my foot in my mouth...

The first step I took to try and mend the bridge I broke was to send the guy a Valentine's Day card. I sent it anonymously. I keep planning to run into him out in the club, but I haven't really been going out lately. So, last night I decided to go to Verizon.com and look through my old phone bills to figure out his number (because I prematurely erased it) and it turns out I am a month too late. The last time I called him was 7 months ago and apparently online bills only go back 6 months. I can not believe it is March already!!! Anyhow, I can't call my buddy A Nutz because we are on the outs, and he is my only connection to him. The fact that this is finals week and I am on the fence with two other men does not make this news any easier. I just don't know what to do.

My life is always full of DRAMA, even when things seem calm. The guys I am into are not into me. The guys that are into me I'm not into. The guys that I seem to be in sync with have some other kind of drama, like a baby or an on again of again. It's always something.

What's The Point?

It really sucks when you're stunted. You know, the feeling you have when you don't have any love interest what so ever. What sucks even more is when you do have someone in mind, but they aren't emotionally available. You try to keep your distance and keep yourself from catching feelings, but it's just so damned hard! It's really no use.

I am feeling really torn as of late because I am feeling a friend of mine. He is cute, motivated and more importantly he is such a sweet person. But just like every other good man I meet, he has a girlfriend. Well, let me rephrase that, he has an on again off again. We clearly like one another- I feel that is quite evident by now, but I don't want to move forward. I am sick of putting MYSELF in the position where as soon as I lay my cards down the nigga ups and decides to walk all over my heart.

In 2008 it is so hard to decipher if a man is being sincere or if he is just running game. One minute he can be inviting you to accompany him in Las Vegas and the next thing you know he is telling you he is involved with someone else and is trying to make it work (Big Time). I don't understand how men can turn their feelings on and off like that. I guess I have a lot to learn.

What to do at this point is beyond me because I am starting to really like this guy. I am going to avoid giving him a code name because everyman I have given a code name to on this blog is no longer in my life. Hopefully, above all things he and I will remain friends. I don't want to muddy things up and make things complicated- but sooner or later the plot is going to deepen... especially because he keeps pushing the issue.

I don't mind being with someone. I don't mind being honest with one another- I actually would prefer it that way (I am a big girl). The only thing I don't understand is why I should compromise my heart and my own feelings when he can up and leave at any moment and go back to the other Bitch? What sense does that make? What's the point?

The FUTURE

So, I have been thinking a lot about my future lately. I am trying to figure out a path to take to make the best out of my situation. I really want to graduate, but shit just seems to be taking so long. I wish I would have come to OSU with a better attitude and I would be a lot farther than I am now!

First and foremost I am debating on if I should get a job. I was going to try and wait til June, but I am starting to find that I am not as disciplined with my cash as I thought I would be. I mean, I know I can survive off of unemployment, but at the same time- I am Lindsay. There is no way in hell I can be satisfied with the bare minimum. I know I want to attend classes next quarter and I definitely do not want to take out any loans, so I am going to have to be very wise about my money.

Any who, Milbrey bought my ticket last night, so I officially have 3 weeks to get my shit together. I plan to lose a quick 15 (I started the Master Cleanse today) and I plan to start working out like crazy (starting tomorrow). I figure if I start out doing 100 crunches a day and work my way up to 300 within a week, I will have my cute little abs back! I am so excited and I plan on NOT buying anything new for the trip. I already have luggage, 2 pairs of jeans I have never worn, along with a crazy amount of shit I have worn 1 time- so I am going to be wise. I plan to give myself a $500 spending limit (not including food & entertainment) for shopping. Enough about that.

My plans are to just get my shit together in the next few weeks. I need to grind out the end of this quarter and looking into registering EARLY at OSU so I can finally take the classes I need and get the hell out of CO. I want to make sure I have a banging body for my 25th birthday which is less than 2 months away!!! And I want to really finish getting this book together. I think it is important that I start doing more things to prepare for the future. The club will always be there. Niggas who don't take me as I am will always be there. Girls who pretend to be my friends who secretly hate me will always be there. Clothes and shoes will ALWAYS be there. And more than anything McDonald's and cookies will always be there. So, I am making a conscious decision to take heed of opportunities that come once in a Blue Moon. Because once thing that will not always be here is time... times not forever.

My Book

I really need to step my game UP! My book was supposed to be done over a year ago, and here it is March of 2008 and I am stuck on the second chapter! I am realizing I definitely need to put some gas on it! Seeing that people are stealing the names that I am going to grace my children with, it is only a matter of time before someone tried to steal the name of my book also- and I'm not having it!

I just need solitude. I think I am going to stop hanging around with my friends so much. I am not really gaining anything from it. They don't call me during the week, I really never know whats going on in any one's life. It just occurred to me that I am being feed by a loooooong spoon! Everything is fine tuned. It seems that everyone is having problems and issues, but no one shares them with me. Not to say that I don't find out about them, because EVERYONE talks behinds each others backs. It just would be nice to get info from the horses mouth for once. I am realizing how phony it is to act like everything is all kosher when your man is treating you like crap, or your man is cheating on you, or you man just doesn't like you at all! The thing about women I don't understand is why can't they keep it real! There is always some lie going on! They can't just be honest in saying they have problems just like everyone else! They have to hold up this facade! Anyhow, I am done with dis functional people.

I have always been a fan of surrounding myself with individuals who I look up to. One's that inspire me, but for the most part the people I hang around now do neither. All of my girls are getting pregnant. A woman who has to trap a man be getting pregnant is relentless. Then, one by one they end up unhappy mothers of illegitimate children, and that's not cool. We end up having nothing in common. Then the men I hang around are mama's boys! They are still living at home with their moms and have no control over their own lives! I mean, that shit gets old. I am looking for adult relationships and what I have now is not cutting it! Why am I wasting time hanging around losers when I could be writing my book- something that is actually going to contribute to my future?

What The Fuck Is Up?

Okay, so maybe I am over reacting, but no I am not! What is up with people stealing my baby names? So, back in Mrs. Urogody Eiler's Street Law course at Shaw High I decided two things. One, that I wanted to someday become an attorney and two that the names of my (future) children. I knew right off the back I was going to name my son Linden Re' for obvious reasons... and I decided I was doing to name my daughter London Paris... London because it is so close to Linden and also because it is one of the four FASHION CAPITALS of the world along with Paris which was also very similar to my then boyfriend's french sounding name. So, of course he was a jerk and named his daughter that he has with another bitch Paris. That really pissed me off, but all of a sudden my pregnant friend is set on naming her daughter London?!?! She claims that she decided on it a while ago? A while ago when? Was it a while ago when I was telling you the story about Pierre being a bastard and naming his daughter Paris when he knows my baby name is London Paris!?!? It's not like Tiffany or Ashley. London is not a popular name that people think of let alone consider naming their kid. MAN UP! Admit that you never thought of that name until you heard me say it and you are a thief!!! God damn, I am so pissed about this mess! People don't have one original bone in their bodies! That's all I have to say!

P.S. Keep it real. I still have birth certificates from Mrs. Urogody's class stating what both of my children's names were. I can prove it. What female doesn't sit back and contemplate on what they're going to name their child years in advance? Come on!