Sometimes It's Just Better To FORGIVE & FORGET!!!

Harboring on past negative emotions will eat you alive. The people who have done you wrong are not sitting around in a room with their friends bashing you, they're not laying in bed while listening to sad slow songs crying, and they definitely aren't letting the pain they've caused you- to retard them from moving on an finding love or loyalty somewhere else. My best bet is they don't bring you up to their friends at all, their nights aren't spent in bed crying, but lying next to someone else and they did not learn to be a more caring and sincere person to the next one the befriend. So, why do we continue to punish ourselves for someone else's infirmities against us? Isn't the initial pain they've caused us punishment enough?

I know it will take time but I am trying to learn to move on and be happy. When I put all things aside I can acknowledge and realize that my past relationships had their rough spells, but I was truly loved. There weren't many moments when I wouldn't lay in bed crying, but I would look over and think to myself, "I can't believe he is mine." I had a person to fuss at, and when I questioned him about something- he gave me an answer. Yea, many of times the answer may have been a lie- but he gave me enough regards to do that. I know that in the past couple of years I have been kind of bitter- but I know that life does go on.

My girl ran into her ex boyfriend in the club and they had their first meeting since the BIG BREAK UP. She ended up crying and we had to leave the club a little early and even further she continued to ball the rest of the night in our friend's bathroom, but when she did calm down to talk to me for a minute, she told me that he admitted he wasn't happy and he made a mistake. Before he left she told him that she still loved him and she will always love him. Her statement made me realize that I feel the same way. Sometimes shit is so thick that you don't realize how much someone hurt you and what your true feelings really are. When you truly love a person that love NEVER ends, so it's selfish to ever have a person in your life and get upset with the fact that they are somewhat involved with an ex. Yes, there is a fine line of separation- but real love can never be lost.

The funny thing about life is that we get so wrapped up in portions that don't really matter that we miss the BIG PICTURE and the significant things go right over our heads. It's not that someone cheated. It's not that someone lied. It's not that someone left you shit faced and broken hearted. The BIG PICTURE is that for a moment- as brief as it may have been, you got to experience real love. Untainted, real love! All the bad spells in the world couldn't over ride that.

In the back of my mind I will have a little sour puss in me, I will always high light the "he did me wrong" eras, but the fact will ALSO remain that I am now acknowledging the good time also. I guess I regret that this didn't come earlier- then maybe my chances would have been clearer for Esco Bar, but I am starting to realize a lot about that situation also.

The other night I had a mutual friend of our's (Esco & I's) reveal some things about him and his childhood. I know that I have never come at him with nothing but admiration, but for some reason he always rejects what ever it is I am trying to express. I was convinced for a long time that it had something to do with Maize & Blue, but now I am realizing maybe it just had something to do with him.Those eighteen years you spend "growing up" shape your life. Every thing about them [the eighteen years]. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. If the walls could talk maybe we would bemore understanding of one another. I think that I came up in a certain manner that MAKES me acknowledge that everyone has personal battles and demons that maybe they just CAN'T overcome- I have yet to overcome my own. I know I have tried to address some of my issues, but I don't see them ever being resolved, so for a moment in time I know some things are just better left alone and sometimes it's just better to FORGIVE & FORGET!

As If I Didn't Write Enough In Today's First Post!...

Israel Kamakawiwo ole has made me think a lot about life lately. I guess his version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow kind of grew on me when I was at work. Then, after months of hearing it- and then hearing it on a Cheerios commercial(I think it was) I did some research and found out who the artist was. My girl CandASS downloaded it on my thumb drive for me and I have been dowsing myself in the song ever since. I found out Israel died in 97'... he released the song on his album back in 93' and the record company just up and decided to release it as a single in July! The song is some 80 years old, his version is 15 years old and the guy has been dead almost a decade and now- we're just realizing how great he was. I sometimes wonder will this be my fate? Will it be waaaay down the line when I am dead that someone finally realizes my worth?

Man, this song is so damn relaxing and deep. I want people to read my shit right now. I have a lot to say...

It's Been A Long Time, I Shouldn't Have Left You...

Well, where do I start? So much has happened since the last time I wrote in here. I really thought things were over with Big Time, but somehow we got back to talking and things are way different than before. I am actually ready to take things to another level with him, but the fact remains that he does not trust me. For some reason I have picked up on the fact that he believe I have a hidden agenda. There aren't too many things I can do to let him know how much I actually am feeling, and there is only so much more I can take. He hangs up on me and flips out on me for no apparent reason, and every time I hear the slightest apology- all is forgotten and forgiven. I don't know what it is about him, but it's another on of those destined crushes. I always want, what I could never have...

Esco Bar, dude took his rudeness to another level. He wouldn't even confirm me on facebook and when I sent him a note asking if we could "just be friends" he replies almost a month later- no, but I have a dude for you.... blah blah blah. First he wouldn't talk to me because of Maize & Blue, now this little troll who follows me around the club happens to be his boy- which adds on to the impossible task of grabbing his attention. It's been a long time coming, but I think I am done with Esco. Yea, he will always be one of the finest men I know, and after this year he will be one of the most adorn men in the history of OSU, but I can't force someone to see how much I like them- especially when all they force themselves to see is the bad in me.

Then comes my bABY, seems like that is another lost cause. No matter who I choose, low key or high profile- things NEVER work. It's always something. The time is never right. I think we are both just in different parts of our lives. He is much too young for me and now I am kicking myself for even letting me feelings seep in. Life is a bitch!

Who is left? No one really. At this point I am just dating a whole lotta dudes that don't matter. I guess I treat them like they treat me, I don't matter to them. My days are spent in boredom and my nights are spent lonesome. My life sometimes reads like and epic tale- but right now it's just tragic. I don't have any apparent drama with any females (for once), and I actually have a slew of cool chicks to hang around- but that can only do so much.

Funny shit, ATL hit me up from London the other day. I had a feeling it was going to be him when I saw the intl. number in my caller id, and of course he had an ear full for me. He had an excuse for every bitch calling me, he had an excuse for not e-mailing me back after a month, he had excuse on top of excuse. I am a forgiving person though, and I realize people make mistakes and should be forgiven for them when they gain enough courage to fess up and apologize for it. As of now, he did tell me his real age- 26, but the girlfriends and baby mama rumors are still false pretenses according to him?!?! I am not going to worry about it though- all comes to light in the end.

I guess I am learning that people have to do things in their own time. You can't rush them. Sometimes people are not quick to trust (Big Time) because they have been let down in the past(ME!!!). Sometimes people are really just tired (bABY), not with another girl and instead of tripping and making things worse- take the niggas work for it. And sometimes men are loyal (Esco Bar) and instead of trying to change his mind- one should just acknowledge what is honorable about being loyal- which is one of the reasons he is likeable to begin with. No rush we got nothing but time. Sometimes when you step back and be patient- things will work themselves out instead of forcing things- and shit ending up all bad- like it is now!

Skipping along to Polaris- I waited for a year and a half and now finally I think he is coming around- funny thing is I am so over it. 270 and 71 go South and North- that nigga can come see me. I am not even going to give have the regards of picking up my phone- there are so many other niggas I can waste my time with.

More than anything I am learning that I have quite a bit to be happy about. Auntie's Bubble Bee always smiling

or crying when I wake him up to talk to me, lol.
I have a group of chicks that I love hanging with & that show me love!

And even though I hate to admit it, there are SOME men in my life that I am having a blast with... "Pops" not my dad, even though he is old enough to be ;-) CandAss, lol. Either way, he is schooling me just like my Dad does. Just from being with him in the last year I learned that older men are not different than younger boys... they just have better cars (Sittin on that Mercedes, lol) and better real estate. Women have to do the growing up for both parties which is why we have to stay super focused. I just gotta stay focused and get this book written by the end of December. That the most important thing right now and this is the beginning of my career.

Men are crazy ya'll! I guess this is why I was so thoroughly disgusted by my last relationship some? four years ago (almost), that I am just now getting up and dusting myself off, lol. Wow- 2 Aaliyah quotes in one post! Anyhow- one never knows what's in store. Life gets better. I know what it means to be truly happy and I know what it means to be truly sad- and right now I am neither. As I meet more and more people I find- my problems are really nothing.