Hard

Good people are hard to come by in this cold world. Decency is a common as wealth. It's a struggle. I've been let down around every corner for so long that I find myself constantly on the defense. I never trust. I'm always suspicious. But in the end, how can I ask for trust if I'm not ready to give it out?

I am trying to develop a more positive and forgiving demeanor. There is no way I am going to build life long friendships or find a relationship worth having without making some major changes in my life, both internally and externally. Spiritual connections start with unity.

The thing is, good, genuine folk are hard to come by. And I'm concerned that I may have driven some away. I guess it's so hard because I'm so soft. The most sensitive people are usually the most guarded. Being hurt isn't a joke. Even when I've been in denial, those feelings crept out.

Maize & Blue, he was a pivotal moment in my life. Charge It To The Game, he sealed my destiny. I still dream about him. I'll probably never see him again. I allowed men who couldn't have cared less about me to dictact the direction of my life. I could have been anywhere I wanted to be right now.

They say forgive your enemies but don't forget their faces. Sometimes it is best to forgive and forget. What of love lost? It's a hard thing especially when you're searching for something that's not meant to ever be found.

Stuff

Limbo. Stunted. Writer-blocked.

For a long time my heart was very cold. It seemed like at every turn love was unrequited. So, in efforts to protect myself, I shot from the hip. It became a game of diss him before he disses me. Always on the defense. I spent too long a time with men who thought they were better than me. And now, I met someone who is truly too good for me, but he never viewed our relationship in that way. And of course I messed it up.

For the first time ever I realized how insecure I am when it comes to men. This makes me sad.

The thing is, we all want perfection. We all want to be happy. But what's the perfect opportunity worth if one  isn't ready to take advantage of it?

The first time we ever talked, he told me he loses interest in women fastly. How ironic it is that I'm the loss interest. I never thought I'd have feelings for him. Never even thought I'd be attracted. Now I am trying to find a way back into his good graces. Instead, I'll likely move on...

They say there is no worse feeling than loving someone who use to love you.

And Baby, It's You

Maybe we're too different, but I can't tell apart our souls.
And maybe you're too good for me, cause we can set apart our goals.
Or maybe I'm too hood for you, then again you don't even know...
Then ins and outs of me which could make you whole.
I'm not saying I'm your better half, not claiming the potential.
But seeing us together in my mind I can see the differential...
I can see a better woman, but I'll keep this to myself.
Can't tell my feelings in vain, don't wanna woo you for my health.
I don't know enough to be sure, but beautiful isn't in question.
And I don't know a way up from here, but I hope we are destined.
Just looking into your eyes has me trapped.
Wonder what would have happened if I would have turned back.
But I can't relive the past, I'm just bidding on a better future.
What do I have to do to have our two worlds sutured?
A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where shall they live?
Inside my heart, because that's all I have to give.

"I'm giving all my love away and there's only one reason that I would."-Jesse Powell

Once You Learn, You Don't Have To Be Taught

I'm happy. No matter the downs that come and go, I've found solace. There are a lot of things I learned early on in life that have made me hard and sometimes cold, but I appreciate the truth.

The lack of friends over the years has made me independent. And knowing how fickle women can be, well that's led me to walk with my guard up. One never knows when he/she might have to swing.

More than anything my paranoia has given me fair judgement to sift out the really genuine people who are truly good at heart. Standing firm on the judgement, I've been blessed to find and keep a few of those great ones.

With that being said, I'm ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. Yahweh has taught me and He has kept me. I've listened and I've learned. I've learned to wait. Waiting on Him is the best thing that I've ever  been taught. And this is the beginning of the end of my lessons...here on earth atleast. Sweet dreams!

A Key Without a Lock or a Lock Without a Key

What's worse? I never thought a lot about love, being in love or being alone. Well, I've thought about them,but not in the terms of how they play a role in my life. But now that I'm getting older, I am starting to wonder when will love come. Will I ever fall in love? Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone?

It's been nearly a decade since I was in a relationship I truly cared about. Of course there have been men I thought mattered, but once they cheated or let me down in some other inevitable way, it was over just as quickly as it began. The days of finding a man whom I care for for no reason at all, are they gone? I think that's where true love lies--a person who you love with no strings attached. Nothing in the world can deter the feelings you have for that person. What they do or don't have doesn't matter. Now a days it's all about education, career path, home ownership, cars and money. I can't move like that. Of course those things play a part and I'd be a liar not to admit it, but what about character? When I look at a man I want to know about his family life. What are his parents like and what kind of relationship does he have with them...siblings? How religious is he? What kind of father would he be and more importantly what kind of women does he go after?

I know I'm a good woman, but sometimes I think maybe I am too damaged. Have I been through too much? If this was the mob, they'd off me because I know too much. Should I accept this? No more dating the men I like. No more careless loving? Guys claim not to want a gold digger, but they set us up to be that way. When we love freely, we end up trapped and mistreated. Where's the middle ground?

I have a lot of questions. What's worse, a key without a lock or a lock without a key? I guess a lock can always be picked, but who wants their love to be stolen? And a key can always be worn or carried, but then the use it or lose it theme comes into play. Who are you? Queen Latifah? Welp, I can't make or force a man into anything. It's not the way I move. I wish it were. I really do. Men like to be chased these days. But I like to be loved.

Life is Short

I got the DVD of Chris' funeral in the mail today and had the guts to watch it. I'm kind of in a weird space right now. I'm starting to realize, one can't understand death until one understands life.

There are a lot of thing that get focus they shouldn't and we don't seem to ever put enough stock into those people and things that matter the most. Why is that?

I am trying not to be resistent to happiness...but somethings just aren't meant to be. The life that I always wanted...the life I knew I'd have, I guess it isn't in the stars. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting it. C'est la vie.