Cast Down, but Not Destroyed

Ann Schultz died last Thursday. She was a sweet kind person I had the pleasure of working with for the last year. She brought the kind of joy and light heartedness that I wish all people had. My heart cries for her. Her death reminds me to be a better person, for Yahweh.

Don't Leave Me Like You Came

Bottom line, some things will always be unacceptable in my life. No matter how much I think He has changed me, I have a temper and I am dealing with it.

Last night I made a simple comment about my Dad, next thing I know people I've never heard of or met in life start talking shit to me. Of course I rose to the occasion. Then people I know jump to the defense of these cowards who have nothing to do but talk shit on Twitter. A girl I've known for many years tried to check me because I referred to her cousin and his mom as a bitch. I guess she doesn't know what kind of person I really am. Don't let the degree fool you. I guess there is supposed to come when I stop defending who I am and what I believe in, but I haven't gotten to this place yet.

The fact is, in life there will always be people like DJ Steph Floss & Darielle. Hatred exists and the devil is real, but I am happy to know that there is a man named Kinley. Who knew the simple tweet, "When I have a son, I'm naming him Marvin," would cause so many people anguish. I am not an angry, mean or mad type of person, so simple tweeps never have bothered me. I must admit, that sometimes I like to rowel people up. This probably sounds like a lot of babbling, but in all fairness, I'm a half-sleep insomniac typing it up at 4:21 in the morning.

I've been through so much in the recent year and I've been lower than I ever had in my life. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I am starting to get my faith back. I can't allow Satanic people to bring me back to where I was 6 months ago. So, instead of continuing to deal with persons like Darielle and Steph, I decided to block them. I blocked them, not to fuel to fire, but I blocked them for myself. As I grow, I realize that I can't surround myself with certain kinds of people. I only deal with a certain caliber and someone people are beneath me.

My life is good. It always has been. I am forgiving my so-called enemies and moving on from the things that happened to me in the past. If bad happened it to me, I deserved it. I guess I deserved the tweets that Steph caused earlier. It is what it is. It's still all love. I've known DJ Steph Floss was a hater for a while now...the ish Neal told me mad that clear months ago. And Darielle, all I can do is laugh at her pathetic existence. Our mutual friend told me that she has been jealous of our relationship from day one. I kind of feel bad for her. I don't even know her and she obviously doesn't know me--and I'm find with that. She's miserable.

Anywho, the only one I can think about is Yahshua right now. I just want him to be proud of me. I just want him to save me. If you hate yourself it doesn't matter how many people love you. But if you love yourself, it doesn't matter how many people hate you. I trust in Him and everything will be okay.

P.S. I know this wasn't my best post and I'm def. not gonna edit it. MUAH!

I Miss Him

I miss Him. Not clear what or why I am going through this. Yahweh is my all, even when I don't know it. My tummy aches and I'm going to bed. Yashua, save me please. I love you.

Sabbatical Year

I need a rest from everything and everyone who brings stress into my life. I just want a year to breath easy without the drama of it all. No gimmicks and no facades. I'm young. No matter how much other people try to imply otherwise, I know where I stand in life. I haven't done anything too damaging to my own well being. I can bounce back from anything especially with Yahweh on my side.

The last couple of years have been rough for me. I never thought running away from the circumstances I left in Cleveland would present me which such anguish. Two fires, 3 restraining orders, witnessing a murder, a pipe bomb and last year's break in are just a mere shadow to all the drama I've been through. I never thought that physical things being taken away from me would cause so much pain. I haven't talked about it with many people outside of my family, but it changed me. It changed me in a way I hate. All of my plans and dreams were shattered in the moment that I got that phone call. It got me to thinking, if losing physical things could hurt me so much, what of my spirit?

I just need a year to reflect. A year to focus on my future is detrimental to my future's success. I'd like to move and I'd like to get another degree in the process, but first I need a plan. I need to rest my mind and my body. Get my health (and weight) up to par and one again I would like to love the person...the woman I see in the mirror. I want to be proud of my judgement. I want to be the girl who left East Cleveland. For so long I blamed my parents for things that really weren't in their control. They want the best for me. The brought me much farther than their parents ever could for them, and for that I am eternally grateful.

In this next year I want to relax, reflect and repent. I want Yahweh to bring me the faith I once had. I do want to touch the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, but I too want to touch the Tree of Life. Maybe I will jump out of the frying pan and into the fire, but I hope that's not what Yahweh has in store for me. For some reason I know better. It is his will.