Sunday, October 25, 2009
Reminiscing
Since Charge-It-To-The-Game no one else has ever meant much to me. He is the reason that all of my friendships are disposable. He is the reason why I believe everyone is phony. I spent so much time bottling up my true feelings for him, and I waited too long to tell him the truth about how I felt. Timing is a bitch. For the rest of my life I will wonder what could have been. I know this is some high school, junior high, Caledonia type shit, but there will always be a place in my heart for him. Eight years is not too late. Forever is not too late. I started writing poems about that kid in '96. Ninety six! I wrote poems about him for over five years before I gave one to him. And when I did, he tossed me to the lions. I guess that's the way love goes.
Love is a Very Hard Thing to Find in 1996
Love is a very hard thing to find in 1996
So many player haters always tripping, trying to make a conflict
In relationships all I look for is trust, honesty, respect, and nothing less
But if I didn't sleep until I found this, I wouldn't get any rest
I know no one is perfect and that's always been then same
The present is now, the future will come, and my past will never changed
I'm searching for my destination, which is someone who loves me
I want a real man who satisfies my needs
I'm gone tell you something that's very true
From much experience, you should have know I knew
Broken hearts are hard to fix
Love is a very hard thing to find in 1996
I OBVIOUSLY wrote this in 1996, 13 years ago. All of which I said is still current.Thirteen years ago, I was half my age. I wrote this poem for one of my classmates who was about 6 months pregnant at the time. Man, I was 13, a baby, knowing nothing about love... and I still don't. Crazy huh?
So many player haters always tripping, trying to make a conflict
In relationships all I look for is trust, honesty, respect, and nothing less
But if I didn't sleep until I found this, I wouldn't get any rest
I know no one is perfect and that's always been then same
The present is now, the future will come, and my past will never changed
I'm searching for my destination, which is someone who loves me
I want a real man who satisfies my needs
I'm gone tell you something that's very true
From much experience, you should have know I knew
Broken hearts are hard to fix
Love is a very hard thing to find in 1996
I OBVIOUSLY wrote this in 1996, 13 years ago. All of which I said is still current.Thirteen years ago, I was half my age. I wrote this poem for one of my classmates who was about 6 months pregnant at the time. Man, I was 13, a baby, knowing nothing about love... and I still don't. Crazy huh?
A Couple Lines For Alias
He made me love things that I once hated, completely changed my view.
And even though my heart is heavy, I admit I was a better woman once it was through.
Now I always look for an upside to every down story, always looking for meaning.
And I always felt like half of me was dying every time I watched him leaving.
I want to tell him how I feel, but now he's way too busy.
I want him to be my soul mate, but now he's too good for Lindsay.
All the while I know it will never happen and still I stay persistent.
Once someone is in your heart, that love is never ending.
And even though my heart is heavy, I admit I was a better woman once it was through.
Now I always look for an upside to every down story, always looking for meaning.
And I always felt like half of me was dying every time I watched him leaving.
I want to tell him how I feel, but now he's way too busy.
I want him to be my soul mate, but now he's too good for Lindsay.
All the while I know it will never happen and still I stay persistent.
Once someone is in your heart, that love is never ending.
Everything of Is a Version of Something Else
Whether is was last year, five years ago, or a decade, I've been here before. I've heard the same lines, I have heard the same lies. I put up with it because I have nothing better to do. I put up with not-much-at-all because a little is more than nothing at all. Random text messages and less frequent phone calls are the glue that continue to give me false hope.
Now that Erin is married, people are looking for my next move. My mom asked me if I have a boyfriend, and I wanted to tell her that the unrealistic 1969 antics that she pressures me to follow wouldn't get be a friends let along a caller. Instead, I just told her, "No." I know who I want and I know what I want, but I am having trouble getting there.
A lot of women say that all men are dogs. I don't agree with their angle, but I do believe that all men are the same. Every man is looking to get ahead without any consideration to their counterparts. The man I am dealing with doesn't even seem to have the natural affection that "Allah" gave him. I would blame it on being unevenly yoked, but the three men from the I.D.M.R. that I've dated were worse.
I don't want much. I just want to make love and have my husbands babies. Ten years from I hope to be that version of myself. If I am anywhere in the process, I'll be happy.
Now that Erin is married, people are looking for my next move. My mom asked me if I have a boyfriend, and I wanted to tell her that the unrealistic 1969 antics that she pressures me to follow wouldn't get be a friends let along a caller. Instead, I just told her, "No." I know who I want and I know what I want, but I am having trouble getting there.
A lot of women say that all men are dogs. I don't agree with their angle, but I do believe that all men are the same. Every man is looking to get ahead without any consideration to their counterparts. The man I am dealing with doesn't even seem to have the natural affection that "Allah" gave him. I would blame it on being unevenly yoked, but the three men from the I.D.M.R. that I've dated were worse.
I don't want much. I just want to make love and have my husbands babies. Ten years from I hope to be that version of myself. If I am anywhere in the process, I'll be happy.
Monday, October 19, 2009
WARM-UP
So, today is the day that I turn in my first completed draft for the MLK Day Event. This will be my first byline and therefore the launch of my writing career. I am a little nervous, and in hopes of calming myself down, I decided to jump on here and relinquish some obscure thoughts that might hault my creativity.
Nothing much has been going on lately. It had been eight months since I'd seen Alias, but I broke down. I saw him last Monday and Tuesday while I was in Cleveland. I sometimes wish that I could have met a person at a different time in life. Alias seems so jaded. It never seems like he cares about anything or anybody. Or maybe it's that he just doesn't care about me? I wonder if we had met when he was 30 or 25 and I was still the same age I am now, would it have worked? It's my personal belief that we would have been perfect for each others. It's actually my belief that we are perfect for each other now, but he is in Cleveland and I am here. In a world where time is only an allusion, does bad timing exist?
Love is a tricky, sticky thing. It confuses you and leads you down a path that isn't a path at all. It's a dead end. Love traps you and won't let you go. No matter how long it's been or how much you try to move on, escaping it is impossible. Alias as a person is perfect for me, everything about him. When I smile at him he smiles back, no reservations. When I ask him a question he answers it, no snide comments. I may never know what our relationship means. He may add to a list of others like Charge-It-To-The-Game, 50, Big Time, Candle Light, Esco Bar, and BBD, and I will never know. He may never believe or know just how much he means to me. Ten years from now, I may wonder where he is. I don't know. For right now I don't want it to end.
It's nice to see good guys and wish they were mines. But there are always going to be dividing factors. They're going to hate my upbringing, complexion, attitude... something.
I just want to move and start over. I want to pack up and leave no forwarding address. I've had my cell phone number for 8 years, but I am not going to make it to 9. I want a new number. I want to shut down my Facebook, Myspace, Black Planet, Hotmail, and Twitter. I don't want to take anything I had in my old life to my new existence. My family is my only asset. Everything else is a liability. Loose friendships and even looser relationships have done nothing but drag me down for the last twenty years. Since I was old enough to know what a friend is, I've been disappointed and mistreated. Since I was old enough to get into a relationship, I've been cheated on and disregarded. Now, all I feel is resentment for all the above. I want to go somewhere with a clear mind and fresh heart. I want to ride pass a street that doesn't have some sort of negative attachment. I want to dine in a restaurant where the food doesn't remind me. And at night I want to lay my head in an environment that will let me dream. Everything will start with this script. I'm ready.
Nothing much has been going on lately. It had been eight months since I'd seen Alias, but I broke down. I saw him last Monday and Tuesday while I was in Cleveland. I sometimes wish that I could have met a person at a different time in life. Alias seems so jaded. It never seems like he cares about anything or anybody. Or maybe it's that he just doesn't care about me? I wonder if we had met when he was 30 or 25 and I was still the same age I am now, would it have worked? It's my personal belief that we would have been perfect for each others. It's actually my belief that we are perfect for each other now, but he is in Cleveland and I am here. In a world where time is only an allusion, does bad timing exist?
Love is a tricky, sticky thing. It confuses you and leads you down a path that isn't a path at all. It's a dead end. Love traps you and won't let you go. No matter how long it's been or how much you try to move on, escaping it is impossible. Alias as a person is perfect for me, everything about him. When I smile at him he smiles back, no reservations. When I ask him a question he answers it, no snide comments. I may never know what our relationship means. He may add to a list of others like Charge-It-To-The-Game, 50, Big Time, Candle Light, Esco Bar, and BBD, and I will never know. He may never believe or know just how much he means to me. Ten years from now, I may wonder where he is. I don't know. For right now I don't want it to end.
It's nice to see good guys and wish they were mines. But there are always going to be dividing factors. They're going to hate my upbringing, complexion, attitude... something.
I just want to move and start over. I want to pack up and leave no forwarding address. I've had my cell phone number for 8 years, but I am not going to make it to 9. I want a new number. I want to shut down my Facebook, Myspace, Black Planet, Hotmail, and Twitter. I don't want to take anything I had in my old life to my new existence. My family is my only asset. Everything else is a liability. Loose friendships and even looser relationships have done nothing but drag me down for the last twenty years. Since I was old enough to know what a friend is, I've been disappointed and mistreated. Since I was old enough to get into a relationship, I've been cheated on and disregarded. Now, all I feel is resentment for all the above. I want to go somewhere with a clear mind and fresh heart. I want to ride pass a street that doesn't have some sort of negative attachment. I want to dine in a restaurant where the food doesn't remind me. And at night I want to lay my head in an environment that will let me dream. Everything will start with this script. I'm ready.
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