~Joni Mitchell
She sang it, I live it. It's taken me sometime, but am finally learning how to appreciate every moment in life and all of the beautiful things in this world Yahweh created. I think the first moment happened earlier this year when I was looking up at the ceiling in work. Yes, it is the regular filth covered industrial factory- but there was something about how the sun shone threw the windows at a perfect angle. Geometrically- it was lovely, and I am quite certain that no one has and no one will ever be able to appreciate that beauty I witnessed. Even if I pointed it out, they would never seen it through my eyes. It was that moment that I began to wonder, "how many lost moments of beauty have I missed out on in my past because I didn't take the time to realize or I didn't have the heart rather?"
Well, that thought lead me to one experience I will probably never have again, but I will always remember, and if the were some minute chance- I WISH I could relive it! Freshman year (2001) Ohio State vs. michigan football in ann arbor. My seat where front and center- friends and family section (for michigan) and there my sister and I were- all decked out in SCARLET & GRAY! I guess back then I wasn't into football and I wasn't aware of how big the rivalry was- oh, if I could turn back the hands of time...
I am starting to think about my past relationships... past friendships... past opportunities that I just let pass me by. Things I just can't forget about. The people I hurt, the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... the people who hurt me... "the one that makes you happy, they say HURTS you the most!" I guess it really is too hard for me to cherish the memories without remembering the pain. Every time I tell myself it's going to be different- I convince myself, but it never is- it's ALWAYS the same. Lyrics are crazy!...
Smug? How can you look at someone who loved you like that? Proud that they are in defeat? That's it for me, that was the end- the smug look!
"I'm threw with it LOVE, I'm threw it- threw it LOVE!" ~Destiny's Child
lol, but I am done. This last time really hurt me. Even though I hate to admit it, I am hurt. Real hurt. I have to look defeat in the eyes everyday without saying a word. I am hurt and I will continue to be hurt for a long time. Sanity- is a thing you don't miss until it's gone with the wind. As if I didn't already have enough weight on my shoulders, thoughts on my mind, stress on my soul. This last time really hurt me...
Monday, June 11, 2007
Friday, June 08, 2007
A Woman's Worth...
It's crazy where inspiration comes from. Alicia keys wrote a song after watching a Revlon (?) commercial, that in my life has caused a movement. I am so sick of knowing who I am and people not realizing it, so I am making a conscious decision to exile some of the mutha fuckas out of my life. I guess it started last night when I was talking to Big Time. He just made a few statements that let me know he doesn't give a damn about me- after all we've been through. So DELETE. It's that simple DELETE and move on.
I went to meet an acquaintance on campus last night and that whole thing turned out to be a fiasco. She isn't my friend, and it seems that every chance she gets to TRY and throw something in my face she does, but they funny thing is- I have already peeped game, so she is just making a fool out of herself. Last night was the latest. She BEGGED me to come on campus to join her and SOME other people. Of course when I got there it was just her and her date (a nigga who has been chasing me for the last 15 months). It's funny, I guess she was TRYING to make me jealous- why else would you lie and have me be the third wheel when there were no other people around? Needless to say, when I say it was just the two of them I fell all the way back until she kept screaming my name to come closer to them. Upon doing that, this drunk fat ass PROACTIVE needing nigga mugs me!?!? And for what reason? Maybe because he tried so long and couldn't get inside of this! HA! What a bust! Then continues to call me a bitch, my mom a bitch, etc. And what did she do? Stand there and let it happen. I am all too familiar with this seen. It's happened twice before this past year, one of which ended with me getting spit on and coincidentally- she was there to WITNESS that too. I guess this week we all are witnesses, because that bitch did nothing to defend my honor. Now there are many things I could do to retaliate- but one thing comes to mind; remaining silent and letting it go. My neighbor warned me about her type. He told me that she is a hoe and that nigga pipe her talk about it and clown her. He told me that by rolling with here I was polluting my image, etc. So I decide to measure my worth and stop hanging around chicks who are inferior to me. This is exactly why I have been falling back and laying low lately. She may have thought, damn I haven't kicked it with L. in a bit- but that was all by design. As for her ugly, pimple infested, fat ass- bastard having nigga she is rolling with who thinks it's funny to disrespect and strike females- he has his coming, lol.
Furthermore, I have just been sitting back digesting a lot of things lately. I have been doing a lot of listening and a lot of people watching. Silence truly is golden. You can do more remaining silent that you ever could speaking because people will always wonder what you are thinking. Everyday I am becoming more comfortable with myself in my skin- who I am. I am becoming more proud and I am loving my life and every bit in it both good and bad. Everything happened for a reason.
I will say this, I am lucky. There are tons of people who hate me and even more who wish bad things upon me, but there are a seldom few who love and appreciate me and those are the ones who count in my life. Though I am away from many of them (The fam, Derrick & Howard) they are still my constants. I know my worth. I know who I am and who I am looking forward to becoming. People need to learn to stop pretending to be someone they are not, because once you find who you really are- everything else in life falls right into place. I know it, I'm a walking testimony- I guess you could say, I'm a witness!
I went to meet an acquaintance on campus last night and that whole thing turned out to be a fiasco. She isn't my friend, and it seems that every chance she gets to TRY and throw something in my face she does, but they funny thing is- I have already peeped game, so she is just making a fool out of herself. Last night was the latest. She BEGGED me to come on campus to join her and SOME other people. Of course when I got there it was just her and her date (a nigga who has been chasing me for the last 15 months). It's funny, I guess she was TRYING to make me jealous- why else would you lie and have me be the third wheel when there were no other people around? Needless to say, when I say it was just the two of them I fell all the way back until she kept screaming my name to come closer to them. Upon doing that, this drunk fat ass PROACTIVE needing nigga mugs me!?!? And for what reason? Maybe because he tried so long and couldn't get inside of this! HA! What a bust! Then continues to call me a bitch, my mom a bitch, etc. And what did she do? Stand there and let it happen. I am all too familiar with this seen. It's happened twice before this past year, one of which ended with me getting spit on and coincidentally- she was there to WITNESS that too. I guess this week we all are witnesses, because that bitch did nothing to defend my honor. Now there are many things I could do to retaliate- but one thing comes to mind; remaining silent and letting it go. My neighbor warned me about her type. He told me that she is a hoe and that nigga pipe her talk about it and clown her. He told me that by rolling with here I was polluting my image, etc. So I decide to measure my worth and stop hanging around chicks who are inferior to me. This is exactly why I have been falling back and laying low lately. She may have thought, damn I haven't kicked it with L. in a bit- but that was all by design. As for her ugly, pimple infested, fat ass- bastard having nigga she is rolling with who thinks it's funny to disrespect and strike females- he has his coming, lol.
Furthermore, I have just been sitting back digesting a lot of things lately. I have been doing a lot of listening and a lot of people watching. Silence truly is golden. You can do more remaining silent that you ever could speaking because people will always wonder what you are thinking. Everyday I am becoming more comfortable with myself in my skin- who I am. I am becoming more proud and I am loving my life and every bit in it both good and bad. Everything happened for a reason.
I will say this, I am lucky. There are tons of people who hate me and even more who wish bad things upon me, but there are a seldom few who love and appreciate me and those are the ones who count in my life. Though I am away from many of them (The fam, Derrick & Howard) they are still my constants. I know my worth. I know who I am and who I am looking forward to becoming. People need to learn to stop pretending to be someone they are not, because once you find who you really are- everything else in life falls right into place. I know it, I'm a walking testimony- I guess you could say, I'm a witness!
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