STR8 TRIPPIN'

I just don't know where my life is going anymore. I've been kind of sad lately and I am not quite sure who there person in the mirror is. Found out a lot of shit about ATL today. Yea, he is another I am definitely writing off indefinitely. What's funny is the fact that I still want to give him a chance to tell his side of the story. What I do know is, he has been deceiving me since the day that I met him back in March. Pure DECEPTION. I am not even mad though. It's a shame that I am so use to disappointment from men, that it doesn't even phase me anymore. Furthermore, I am just sick and tired of disappointing people. My friends, my fam, just in general I am sick of being let down. It's like I can't even love the same way I use to...

I was thinking about something last night- I am 23, and I was thinking about a lot of good memories I have. But what scares me is the possibility that the best part of my life has already happened! I know that makes me sound like a pessimist, but it's really how I feel!

I also got to thinking about "Charge it to the Game!" How through out the last five years I have tried calling him, e-mailing him. I will never forget the last time I saw him during winter break of my freshman year. I was still working at next, and he came in wearing his letterman's jacket and a sling from hurting his arm. Since then, we have exchanged a few e-mails but, that's it. He graduated and moved to California earlier this year. My e-mail address got de activated... so it's official, it's over between us. I will never know what happened- why we aren't friends anymore. I will never know how he felt about me all those years. And what's really crazy is the fact that I will probably never see him again. We will always be on opposite sides of the country. Yeah, our parents are still in Cleveland, but that means nothing. One day, he will die & I will never get to say goodbye. I won't be able to show my respects to his parents. I won't be able to attend his funeral. This happened with Jason, but with Charge it to the Game, it will mean so much more... it will be a deeper pain. I took a lot in life for granted. And what has me trippin' is the fact that these people will never know how I felt!

M.I.A.

I feel like I have posted anything on here in a good long while. A lot has transpired over the last two weeks and I have really become a different person over night. Well, good N.E.W.S. ;-) first. My nephew Ethan was born on September 11, 2006 (Monday)... and he is just a joy. I am really happy to be an aunt and even though it is stressful, I know that this baby is going to change the lives of everyone in my family.

Well, facebook... or someone on facebook pissed my off- because he didn't confirm me? So, I guess I have to take it for "face" value. I am learning to love only the ones who are deserving. I made a mistake where concerning Boston. I think he is someone who should be kept a friend. It is funny that you can converse with someone daily for two years and still misjudge who they are. I honestly thought he was a person who was sensitive and now it seems that he doesn't even care about me sincerely. I am not too upset about it, because he will look back and realize that he messed up a good thing. It is what it is.

ATL's phone was cut off last time I called him. I thought he just fell off the face off the earth without even saying goodbye. With him, it was actually getting to me because I couldn't understand how someone who was so vocal about how they felt about me could just disappear with no regards. Then yesterday I was awakened by his call. The long ass phone number in my phone let me know it was an international call. So, now he went from ATL, to Alabama, to Mexico now he is overseas in London :'-( but somehow- everything between us is still fine. I guess I can finally use all those minutes I have collected on my calling card for the last five years. I never thought they would come in handy b/c I have a cell phone- but international calls are a bitch!

Putting all this aside, I am just mad stressed out. I have been having the craziest dreams and I am not quite sure where my life is headed. I did meet a new "young" man, and we are supposed to hook up tonite for the first time. I think he may be a little too young, but guess I will find out where his head is tonite. Maybe by tomorrow I will like him to much that he will have a code name on here- then again... maybe not.

Big Time!!! I have NO idea what is going on between us. We had a real nice time last week when I was home, but I haven't heard from him since- which could mean many things. Either way, I am done calling and texting. I will hit him up on his birthday next month- but until then, I am done.

I guess I am kind of stressed out and a little restless. I am sick of dealing with men who are so cold. My college career has been nothing but shenanigans of Negroes who couldn't care less about me, which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't care about them in return- but I am not like that. I am really on a quest for love. I will not settle and I will not stop until I find it. I just need to get rid of a lot of baggage in my life...

Roll With The Punches

Sometimes Yahweh will have you see something bad in order to make a change in your life. He will expose you to just enough pain to realize that maybe someone is not a good match for you. That happened to me yesterday. Though, I would be a lie to say I was not still hung up on Polaris, after seeing him at Carlyle last night- I realize that he doesn't respect me like he should. Then there is that Iota nigga I use to talk about a lot. He was making passes at me all night. The funny thing is, I am really over him. He is still cute, he can still dress his ass off, but now- there is just something different about my perspective. I am not mad, I am grateful.

Anyhow, I think ATL left for France and I really didn't get to say goodbye, which is my fault. He called me and texted me like 3 times when I was with Chi-Town the other night. Six months will go by before I know it and if I am lucky- he will send for me like he tried to do in Mexico.... hopefully I can leave the U.S. and get a break from the drama.

After all, seasons change- so do cities. People come into your life and people go. But, its comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart- and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away!
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex & The City

I just know now for a fact that things will always turn in my favor I just have to learn to take the difficult times more gracefully. You know, Roll With The Punches!