Prepared

I been reading my old journals
Checking to see where my head has been
And I been apologizing to some people
Some bridges I needed to mend
And I been eating more greens
Getting my body alkaline
Oh, I'm gonna be super fine
And I been letting
Been letting some old ideas go
I'm making room for my life to grow
I just wanna be prepared

I just wanna be, I just wanna be prepared
Getting myself ready for what's coming for me

I just wanna be, I just wanna be prepared
Prepared

Here me now

I been getting recipes off the internet
Most times they be banging
I realized they're only good when I put
My love spices all up in rices
I been
You know I been enjoying people who love each other
Husband and wife
Sister and brother
Father and mother
I let the queen inside
I let her shine
I been listening for God more
I been doing my chores

I just wanna be, I just wanna be prepared
Prepared

I've been getting myself together for what's coming to me

For when I see him at the end of the aisle

With that true heart and that real smile

Intentions pure

A love that will endure

I just want to be prepared

I'm getting myself together for what's coming to me

I just want to be prepare

-Jill Scott aka my spirit animal

That Moment When You Realize All Men Aren't The Same

Last October I met a guy. Last October I met a man--would be more accurate. For personal reasons I decided from our first date that I didn't want to be romantically involved with him and I was honest about it. But life being what it is, odd, we've continued to be friends. Drinks here. Dinner there. Texting once in a blue and one notorious phone conversation. Anyhow, he's a good person.

We went out to dinner last night and he casually mentioned that he wants to marry me. He elaborated and the conversation went into depth and there I realized something; men are either going to want you or they're not. It's not about money, clothes or education. It's not about loyalty or what makes sense. In the end, there is nothing a woman can or can't do to change a man's spirit.

Unfortunately, I've been through one tumultuous relationship after another, the last of which I actually got lost in. I continuously date African-American men who lead me to believe that these games have meaning and they don't. When a good man meets a good woman, it's simple. If those two people are in the right place, they'll vibe and get married. Obviously, I'm not in a good place and I've been clear about that from the beginning. I just wish the men I'd dated in the past would have given me the same truth and courtesy that I have given my friend.

Life is short and time is damn near nonexistent. In these bounds of limits it's best to keep it pushing. I've crushed on more guys than I'd like to admit and more times than not it never worked out for me. I am learning to take things at face value. Shoot my shot. Miss. Run down court. I'm 32 and I don't have the luxuries that I owned ten years ago.

Last night, my friend told me that's he's continued to contact me, almost a year later, because he hasn't met anyone like or better than me. He said when he does he'll probably stop reaching out. And that sums up my dating life. As stated, I've crushed on many men. The ones that I'm over have been trumped by men better than them. The ones that I still swoon over are different, better and maybe even the best type of men.

The reality is, the odds are stacked against me. Statistically black women in America don't ever marry. I've had dark moments in the last three years. Really dark moments. But this year is different. It's been a rebuilding year. I still get bad news, but it doesn't sting me like before. This is the first year since 2010 that hasn't been worse than the year before. I realize that's a blessing. He's keeping me.

It's not probable that my friendship will be cultivated beyond were it is now, but I've learned something valuable in the last day that I want to share. It's never a good time to give up.