Everything Means Nothing.

I miss my ex. I am so in love with him and I will probably regret and be embarrassed of this truth later down the line, but right now there is nothing else. I've been keeping busy. None of that matters…neither did I. I never thought someone I love so much could hurt me and disregard me so easily. It never crossed my mind. I've been doing a lot of things and having a lot of thoughts I'm ashamed of. Guess I'll try to sleep. The operative word being try. Love is really shitty.

What's Next

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog. I've been through a lot of back and forth with a man in this last year. He broke it off a couple of weeks ago and I am trying to figure out where my place is in this world. He was basically the only thing keeping my head above water, not I'm drowning. So easily, he's moved on. I realize, I need to do the same. Everything about this apartment reminds me of him. Everything about this city reminds me of him. I hear his voice still. At a certain time of day I still anticipate his arrival. But that is over and it will never be again. I am trying to wrap my mind around why I am so disposable to so many people. I spent the last two years of my life with this man. I could see forever with him. We both had problems, but my focus was growing and learning to be a better woman. I wanted to help him become the man he wants to be and the man I know he is capable of being. But we just didn't have the same focus. The problem is, he didn't see me in his life so there was nothing he could do to be considerate of me. I've been contemplating finding a new job and moving home. Or applying for school. Or sticking it out here until my mind is clear and my heart isn't broken. They say it's not good to make big decisions based off of emotions. Anyway around, I feel lost. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like no one wants me. I just feel alone. He was more than my boyfriend, he was my best friend and I truly loved him. I loved him with pure love--a love I didn't even know could exist. Now that I wasted it on someone who only pretended with me, I wonder, what's next?