Living My Life Like It's Golden

In your songs I find healing, I think you are the one 

I could be in my feelings, I could be a little bit gone 

I heard you on a feature, decided to download Demand More 

Your music has real meaning, for me it was a cure 

Writer's block for a minute, somehow you became my muse 

The structure to my sentence, the dazed to my confused 

Your words speak to my soul--for real they're mad uplifting 

Make me act out my goals. Make me act on forgiveness 

Been letting go of a lot of hate lately, yet life still is tough 

No matter how high I keep climbing frankly, my best is never enough 

Token around these corporate folk, so I throw on my poker face & shit 

In cubicle hell I'm equally yoked, your music provides that spaceship 

And sometimes I drift in the moment and wish I really did know him 

Usually keep my feelings to myself, they say silence is golden 

But what's the point of having love and not expressing appreciation? 

I just have to let you know, you are my inspiration 

For STS

Sometimes

As I grow older and wiser I realize how much I do not know love. I know nothing about it. For so long I have made this mistake of expecting or demanding others to love me the way I understand love. I have been confusing myself, because at best I barely get love. It's so mysterious. What I think love is, what I have called love, has left me empty. In reality, that's what hate does--not love. So what is love?

Love Jones

When I use to get sad, down, depressed, I'd drink and listen to my Sad Songs playlist on iTunes. You know the one. It includes songs like Am I Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers or anything Mary J from the 90s or prior to No More Drama before she got Kendu and happy. Now? I watch Love Jones. Even though I know things will never be the same and I can never take him back, it's good to watch a story similar to ours and see a happy ending. I wish it were that simple. I want to be like those girls in the movies...well I guess Ashanti sang it best. 

Everything Means Nothing.

I miss my ex. I am so in love with him and I will probably regret and be embarrassed of this truth later down the line, but right now there is nothing else. I've been keeping busy. None of that matters…neither did I. I never thought someone I love so much could hurt me and disregard me so easily. It never crossed my mind. I've been doing a lot of things and having a lot of thoughts I'm ashamed of. Guess I'll try to sleep. The operative word being try. Love is really shitty.

What's Next

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog. I've been through a lot of back and forth with a man in this last year. He broke it off a couple of weeks ago and I am trying to figure out where my place is in this world. He was basically the only thing keeping my head above water, not I'm drowning. So easily, he's moved on. I realize, I need to do the same. Everything about this apartment reminds me of him. Everything about this city reminds me of him. I hear his voice still. At a certain time of day I still anticipate his arrival. But that is over and it will never be again. I am trying to wrap my mind around why I am so disposable to so many people. I spent the last two years of my life with this man. I could see forever with him. We both had problems, but my focus was growing and learning to be a better woman. I wanted to help him become the man he wants to be and the man I know he is capable of being. But we just didn't have the same focus. The problem is, he didn't see me in his life so there was nothing he could do to be considerate of me. I've been contemplating finding a new job and moving home. Or applying for school. Or sticking it out here until my mind is clear and my heart isn't broken. They say it's not good to make big decisions based off of emotions. Anyway around, I feel lost. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like no one wants me. I just feel alone. He was more than my boyfriend, he was my best friend and I truly loved him. I loved him with pure love--a love I didn't even know could exist. Now that I wasted it on someone who only pretended with me, I wonder, what's next?