My Dunny Bunny

In an effort to vent without venting and hate without hating, today, I am remembering my good friend in this blog--that is unworthy of his name. I met Anthony Dunn at Kirk Middle School. He turned out the be one of the most significant, caring individuals in my life. Gracious, funny, adoring, and priceless are words that lack meaning when trying to define who Dunn was. No one knows his killer, but I can't help but want to hate him.

I can not and will not compare how I feel about Dunn with any other person, past or present. I also will defer from glorifying him just because he is no longer with us. What I will do is tell the truth. Dunn was wonderful and perfect in countless ways and he did not deserve to go the way he did.

I know that when a person dies, everyone makes it seem like they were faultless, but when it comes to my friend, the statement couldn't be anymore true. I regret that he left a young son and daughter behind to mourn his death. I regret that he did not get to live more years to finish his impact on this Earth. But, more than anything, I regret that Dunn was taken away. I will remember him fondly and in good spirits. I will remember the-clown-of-a-person I had the pleasure to call my friend. I thank Yahweh that he came into my life and I find peace in the fact that Dunn knew how much I care about him and our friendship.

"But time don't go back, it goes forwards. Can't run from the pain, go towards it. Things can't be explained. What caused it? SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL, SO PURE. SHIT!" ~Jay-Z

Rest In Peace Anthony Dunn June 17, 1984-May 14, 2010 I will always love you.

Truth Time

I'm in love and I'm sure of it. I've never been sure of it before, especially this early on. I'm in love with a man who is in love with another woman. I am in love with a man who told me he wouldn't spin me and has done nothing but spin me ever since he made that statement. The sad part is, all I want to do is cry. but I've been heartbroken so many times, tears just won't fall. I don't know how I got here and I don't know why I let my guard down when this happened to me two years ago with the same man. I'm so fucking stupid and it's no one's fault but my own. I feel so bad. I'm not even depressed, I'm just really, really sad. The first time I figure I'm in love for sure and it's going to end like this? And like I said, all I want to do is cry, but I'm too cold. I guess it's over.

Kinda Depressed

How is it that I'm the one calling and texting, yet I'm not the one with the problem? I am really starting believe the theory that men don't want to be treated right. This is bullshit!

Always Will Be and Have Always Been

Because the truth is it's easier to lie, but I just can't understand how it's so easy. I've always had a problem with dishonesty. It's something I never could do. No matter how much the truth hurts, I ready myself for the backlash.

I met someone a couple of years ago and thought he was a breath of fresh air. It wasn't soon before he was playing games just like every man before him. Somehow, he found his way back into my life and true to form, as soon as I let my guard down, it's deja vu. I don't really know how I feel. It's seems I'm becoming immune to the woes of love. I can't even pretend anymore. I guess it is what it is. Men don't want women who really care about them. They don't want women who are sincere. Men want women who play roles and put on facades. They like women who stick around until you're not picked up by an NFL team then drops you on your ass. It's funny the way that women talk about these men behind their backs. There really is an even playing ground, because men play women, but the women men fall for are dirtier than them. Well, I am neither and I never will be. I will always be a sincere, caring female who loves people for who they are not because of what they can become. You can say anything about me, but the bottom line is, I will always be the truth. It just takes effort to prove it.

Projection (A Poem)

We would make beautiful babies. Am I jumping too far ahead?
We would have fun making them. Am I being to direct?
We would be so happy together...friends, dating, marriage.
Whether you're the man I one day tell my kids about or if you're my children's other parent.
I'll take whatever you're giving out, that's how much I value your existence.
And I'm open to know what you want from me, completely void of resistance.
Can't say I'll follow your every command, but I will read you mind.
You can set your clock by me baby, because I'll always be on time.
I can imagine lying with you and caressing your skin.
Massaging your scalp, breathing in your scent.
Just being under you in every way possible.
However do you want me, anything you desire is optional.
It may never happen, but "we" are together in my heart.
No cheap talk, no casual sex, everything we do is making love--in part.
I'll hold on to your every word, remember your every kiss.
Yearn for every moment your hands lift up my hips.
I want to touch every inch of you, consume your whole totality.
Don't let it end, the dream, I want to make it reality.
See other men around me, then lean my head on your shoulder.
Know I have a good thing before it's gone, well before it's over.
See other women and smile as they see you grab my hand.
You've grabbed my heat, you've grabbed my soul, you've done more than any other man.
Your smile has me on the edge of my seat, my feet on solid ground.
Everything in my life is concrete when ever you're around.
I want to be in love with you, kiss your lips.
I want so much out of this man who doesn't know I exist.

5-19-09 Inspired by J. N.

Honesty, Honestly

There are no gray areas, white lies, or half truths. If one puts a drop of poisin in your baby's bottle, will you proceed to feed it to the baby or is all the milk tainted? Some may see this view as extreme, but I have painstakingly learned that which looks real and seems real can not be fake.

We sometimes convince ourselves that what we want is always good for us, but that can't be true. I have found that when it comes to men, a lot like food, the ones that cater to my taste are usually bad for me. The 50s, the Candle Lights, the kind of men that would never give me a chance... The Charge-It-To-The-Games, The Mustangs/Caddys, the kind of men that never gave me an reason, The Big Times, The Abys, the kind of men that drug me through the mud, their taste was sweet on my lips, but their after taste is bitter in my heart.

Over the last few years, I have spent too much time being heart broken and harboring on past relationships--past men that really shouldn't and don't matter. I woke up one morning and realized that I have no say so in Yahweh's plan. If or when he has a man for me, I am sure it won't be who I expected. So, what am I doing? I decided to fall back and take it easy. I stopped calling Alias and all of a sudden he started calling me. I stopped caring about Bullshit and all of a sudden he is at my beakon call. It's funny how the tables turn.

Truth hurts, but honestly honesty heals quicker than lies ever did. Being blind sided by a man who I thought really cared almost killed me, but hoping that a man could love me, yet knowing the probabilty? That allowed me to brace myself. They say bracing breaks bones, but near death is less than broken bones and I'd rather have brokens bones than be spineless. I have a heart and there is no shame in it.

Today Would Have Been Different

If I would have had you yesterday today would have been different.
They say spirit is soul embodied, you would have been pure spirit.
Blasphemous thoughts would be clouding my mind.
If I would have had you last night, this morning you would have been mine.

But yesterday was so cold and the evening grew colder.
And when I woke up I was merely another day older.
The wind just blew by, there wasn't a breeze.
The birds just chirped, they didn't bother to sing.
Every thing was okay, but it could have been so much better.
If you were mine on the eleventh, you would have been mine forever.

If I would have had you last year, Haiti wouldn't have shook.
They say if you change one thing in the past, you change the entire book.
And even if my name came next on it's pages, I'd be ready to go.
Because my life would have been complete once you decided to show.

But the new year came as expected and the snow fell.
And yesteryear became yet another hard story to tell.
Because without you around, there is nothing to remember.

Yes, spring smelled so sweet as did summer, fall, and winter.

And last year you smiled a lot, but you would have been laughing.
What could have happened to us would have been beyond imagining.

If I could have you tomorrow, today would forever be known as the eve:
That dawned the day that Adam breathed.
That began time, because you make Earth stand still.
That brought the moment when love finally became real.

4-12-10

ALIas The Lion

Incredibly gracious, he smiled on me
His kind heart and warm ways flow so effortlessly
I find myself posing and it's almost exhausting
What earning his love is costing
It's a tale of the fittest, I must be strong
Or I'm left to envy the next girl on his arm
Because he was the king from the day I met him
No one could reach the pedestal on which I set him
And maybe it's a joke, but I'm not laughing
There may be many questions, but I'm not asking
Just wait for what is given and he always delivers
Just the thought of him on my mind and my body shivers

It's over and I still smile, glad that I was granted
There were many questions and he was the answer
I use to regret men, but I am so happy he happened
Broken hearted and still grateful amongst the pieces, shattered
Memories of mere moments I will never forget
Someone so special away from me I will always relent

Done

If this doesn't work out I promise with everything in me that I am done with love. I can not feel like this again. It's not worth it. I'd rather be alone always, that with someone for a moment that causes me so much pain that I can get through the rest of the time. It's sad but true. I've convinced myself before that things will be different this time, but they won't. The only difference is it will be worse. I am not sure about what lesson Yahweh wants me to learn. I am not sure what the purpose is in all of this, but I do know that he is the only one I have ever trusted and apparently he preordained all of which I am going through and have gone through in the past. Happiness is a choice and he made it that way. From this year forth I choose to be happy and I see that love has no place in my life. Love has never had a place in my life and most likely it never will. No one has ever loved me. I am not sure why, I guess He wants me to know that I shouldn't get comfortable here, but sometimes I feel like that cruel adjective that was mentioned about Yahweh in Scandinavian 548 was true. Either which was around, I'm done. Good day.