As of late, I feel like my life is changing drastically. The things that use to hold so much importance are so meaningless now! All that really matters is being alive to see another day. I am learning to live in the moment and I am realizing that some things and some people are not worth the time and effort. Some people are hear with the sole intention to hurt you- but it is your choice to grant them the power to do so, and I am so sick of doing that- so I'm not anymore.
My life is way different than it was a year ago. I am rolling with a new crew (the cycle of the revolving door of female friends has NOT changed), most of the men I was SO concerned with before, I see them for who they really are- and MOST importantly my life is completely different. I have a new job, a new nephew & some call me "Miss NEW Booty!" Naw, just kidding, but I have matured so much. I have finally acknowledged that Maize & Blue hurt me beyond matter and I see that sometimes what I do to other people has nothing to do with what they have done to me- but more of what I have gone through as a whole (John Mayer- Daughters). None the less, I am moving on and I am finding that men are all the same- but it takes a keen eye to find the good in people... and instead of being that pessimistic woman I once was- I am planning the have a keener eye than which was ever thought possible.
I have been having reoccurring dreams about "Charge It To The Game," "Esco Bar," and "R." and I really can't figure out why! I guess when you become attached to the thought of something, even though you have consciously let it go... when you are sleeping and have no control- your subconscious takes over. And for those 3-4 hours (yea- I have insomnia- I work WAY too much & I pretty much never sleep) the TRUTH as you've know it- is REVEALED. I guess that is the good thing about dreams... it's the only time when you can really be happy. And even though dreams (whether they are the visions you have every night while sleeping, or if they are the ideas and aspirations you have for your future) may not be made manifest- they are real [to you], and that's all that really matters.
Well, skipping to a new subject, ATL has gotten back in contact with me. He wants me to fly out to Portugal in May for his playoffs. I am not sure what I am going to do, and after the "information" I found out last Wednesday, I am not even sure that I will be "ABLE" to make the trip regardless. I just find it funny that guys wake up one morning and decided that they want to be serious and all of a sudden WOMEN are supposed to forget about everything one put us through? Now that is "CRAZY"!!! My girls are all telling me to go, esp. since he is paying for the trip... but my heart- is never sure!
Other than that, I am dealing with Delphi and IDMR. These are two new code names I am putting on the table- but as you know- if you really have insight into my life, you know who I am referring to! Well, it is hard to make a choice between two good dudes. So, I am gonna be "Like A Boy" and just date them both. Fuck all the silliness. At this point everything is platonic. They are BOTH playing the same games- and I am not going to entertain the games, so as far as I am concerned they are on the same level. And, though it may seem different (Charisse ;-) Bar Louie Easton) I don't like one more than the other! I am just trying to find solis after so much pain!
I know I have had month long HIATUSES, but I will probably be writing in here a lot more in the future like I use to. I have had a whole heap of weird and appalling news in the last week and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. I hate to be the barer of bad news... so I have kept it to myself for the most part. I really can't bare to be the reason for worry and pain, so I won't. I did try to tell Delphi about it, but- I don't think that he catching on. It's funny how many cries for help go unanswered. I guess that is the way it was meant. Yahweh purposed it that way.
RIGHT NOW, I am just striving to be a better person before it is too late. Sometimes, you don't realize how great something is until it is all gone. I am not going to wait for the water to run dry! I am living in the NOW, and I am hoping to make my life better- GET TO KNOW ME!
