Take Care

I wonder do you think of me. I wonder if your heart hurts. I hope you're happy. I hope someone is loving you. I really do. I don't know who you are. I don't know where you are, but I hope desperately that you can feel what's in my heart. Maybe it's too late for us. Maybe we never happened. I just hope you're taking care of yourself.

Stage Two: Life Is Interesting

So there are three stages of a break up. One: the stage when you're still in the relationship, but your know it's over aka MISERY. Two: the stage when it's definitively over, but you're still feeling regret aka MISERY. Three: the stage when you're as over it as you possibly can be and ready to move one. Today, I realized that I and my two best friends fill these three stages.

 Being gray is very dangerous. Or, it can be. Being gray is good when you can look back and see what black looked like. Being gray is good when you can look forward and see what you will be like in the future. When I get the hysterical phone calls from my bestie in Texas, man, it's insane. It's like word for word the things I was saying a year ago. And when I talk to my bestie in Greensboro, I remember that when I met her, she was at the lowest point in her life. She has a drug dealing baby daddy and no job. Now, she has an MBA and is at the top of her field and this all happened within two years of his imprisonment. Today, she and I also realized, that where relationships are concerned, we had to have already gone through the worst of it.

 The point is, things get better. Even when you're in the midst of it, it helps to have friends who give you perspective. One friend shows me how far I've come and the other gives me encouragement to get through where I am. Improvement. Hope. I've never had female friends like this in my life and I am certain I would never have had I not gone through my last relationship.

He knocked me off my high horse and I needed it. I've been rejected and I've done some pretty nasty rejecting, but nothing like this last time. For the first time, I had to seek out someone to be vulnerable to and it just happened to be these two beautiful ladies. I feel incredibly sad--most days, yet incredibly blessed. Humbled.

 My friend who is currently going through it decided to start a journal for the sole purpose of tracking the fluctuations in her misery. She's trying to convince herself; she's looking for a way out. My other friend is at the point of healing where she's finally willing to let her son see his father in prison. Life is crazy. Sometimes it doesn't look like there is a way out. I have to remind myself daily--and on weekends like this when I am alone hourly--that things get better and I will be happy again. Whatever happy is. What my ex and I had was special. For months, almost a year, I've tried to deny that. I tried to pretend like I was okay, unbothered and I think this prolonged me REALLY getting over it. It was special. And although it may not have been once-in-a-life-time kinda love, what we had was rare and we will never find it with anyone else. This isn't a bad thing. This means, love like that does exist. This means, that if I could have something so special with the wrong person, I probably can't fathom what it's going to be like with The One. Life is interesting like that...very grime facts have silver linings.

Time Stands Still

In an effort to talk about some fucked up shit without really talking about it, I am going to be mad passive and vague. Even still, it's obvious what this is about. For the last few weeks I have been trying to figure out if it's better to be treated badly or for one to pretend to love me. I can't figure it out. Because in the end the truth always comes out. And the little moments I thought would live forever, I'm finding out never really existed. The love I thought I shared--reciprocated, was truly unrequited. Anyhow, I am stuck. I am stuck on a forever that never was. I've had ample distractions and a host of support, but I still can't seem to shake the feeling of what's happening to me. It's so unreal. It's like a movie. Worse, it's like a book. It's embarrassing to have someone mean so much when I literally never did, don't and never will mean anything to him. I wish there was an easy way out. I wish I were brave enough to take the easy route. I've prayed and my prayers have been answered. I thank Yahweh for that. I do. But the reality is, there is not short cut from pain. I am in a very ugly place and unfortunately I'm not moving. Superpower.

A Thin Line Between Love and Date

Whether it's searching for a soulmate or looking to sing.

We're all tryna' live out our dreams.

Relocations can differ, final destinations can be deemed.

Still, all that has yet to be seen. 

Wishful thinking gets shot down, feelings dismissed it seems.

Can be a blow to one's self esteem.

Not persistent to resistance, don't wanna come off as a fiend.

But I still want to be on your team.

They say it won't come to those who search so I focus on the green.

Yet we all need a shoulder to lean.

Life ain't perfect, but I ain't either if u know what I mean.

Shit even I would have to wear cream.

And I ain't getting any younger, twice the age of this sixteen.

Guess I should be looking for a ring.

Til' then...

I'll stand online, play the role-read my lines, super swing. 

I just hope you know how to read in between.

-For JC

"But Watching Stars Without You? My Soul Cries!"

Close, too close it made time stand still

Looking back all of what transpired doesn't seem real

Effortless was silence, natural was our conversation

Unrealistic were ends to a means being contemplated 

Lies told so often that truth did not exist

Truth never spoken, eyes left an abyss

And I dreamed about him and he materialized 

Now I dream about him and I can't believe my eyes 

An eternal existence lying on precious moments

An acquired resistance and feelings when it's too late to show it

So I don't respond and I don't entertain

Yet I crave to hear him say my name

It's the only time Lindsay made sense, only time it sounded right

Because it was the only time Lindsay had finally gotten it right

Holding your ground is the law and it's the only time death makes sense

Because having life without an us is a false pretense

I thought the world would revolve without us...

A moment in the soul can last forever...the ride with you was worth the fall and all that other shit Whitney was talking' bout on Didn't We Almost Have It All.

For Jarhead

Slim by any Other Name Would be as Sweet

I once heard any plane Obama flies in is Air Force One. That shit had me thrown. 

Using their logic, any chair you sit in should be referred to as the throne. 

Could be the liquor talking, I do tend to give lip service--cupid's bow. 

Can't be that, because I'm truthful to a fault, even at the expense of a potential beau. 

What's semantics to a king? Even the common lyricist would catch the scent.

It ain't game. I write what I mean. I stand by what I sent. 

You inspire me on the daily. Your words have me fazed. 

And I'm twice the age of sweet 16, so I can't be going through a phase. 

Cause words are our bond, right? Well you should let them rain. 

Even when they ain't sweet don't bite your tongue, Slim it's your time to reign. 

Mary-Poppins these niggas. Let the world know how you feel. 

Give em that spoon full of Sugar, time for prescriptions to get filled. 

Or refilled, re-up! Let your voice be heard--vision seen. 

Been a while since a man like you has shown up on the scene. 

You are the truth-like church. Your voice is the peal. 

With you the medicine goes down. With you it's easy to take the red pill. 

For STS

Living My Life Like It's Golden

In your songs I find healing, I think you are the one 

I could be in my feelings, I could be a little bit gone 

I heard you on a feature, decided to download Demand More 

Your music has real meaning, for me it was a cure 

Writer's block for a minute, somehow you became my muse 

The structure to my sentence, the dazed to my confused 

Your words speak to my soul--for real they're mad uplifting 

Make me act out my goals. Make me act on forgiveness 

Been letting go of a lot of hate lately, yet life still is tough 

No matter how high I keep climbing frankly, my best is never enough 

Token around these corporate folk, so I throw on my poker face & shit 

In cubicle hell I'm equally yoked, your music provides that spaceship 

And sometimes I drift in the moment and wish I really did know him 

Usually keep my feelings to myself, they say silence is golden 

But what's the point of having love and not expressing appreciation? 

I just have to let you know, you are my inspiration 

For STS

Sometimes

As I grow older and wiser I realize how much I do not know love. I know nothing about it. For so long I have made this mistake of expecting or demanding others to love me the way I understand love. I have been confusing myself, because at best I barely get love. It's so mysterious. What I think love is, what I have called love, has left me empty. In reality, that's what hate does--not love. So what is love?

Love Jones

When I use to get sad, down, depressed, I'd drink and listen to my Sad Songs playlist on iTunes. You know the one. It includes songs like Am I Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers or anything Mary J from the 90s or prior to No More Drama before she got Kendu and happy. Now? I watch Love Jones. Even though I know things will never be the same and I can never take him back, it's good to watch a story similar to ours and see a happy ending. I wish it were that simple. I want to be like those girls in the movies...well I guess Ashanti sang it best. 

Everything Means Nothing.

I miss my ex. I am so in love with him and I will probably regret and be embarrassed of this truth later down the line, but right now there is nothing else. I've been keeping busy. None of that matters…neither did I. I never thought someone I love so much could hurt me and disregard me so easily. It never crossed my mind. I've been doing a lot of things and having a lot of thoughts I'm ashamed of. Guess I'll try to sleep. The operative word being try. Love is really shitty.

What's Next

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog. I've been through a lot of back and forth with a man in this last year. He broke it off a couple of weeks ago and I am trying to figure out where my place is in this world. He was basically the only thing keeping my head above water, not I'm drowning. So easily, he's moved on. I realize, I need to do the same. Everything about this apartment reminds me of him. Everything about this city reminds me of him. I hear his voice still. At a certain time of day I still anticipate his arrival. But that is over and it will never be again. I am trying to wrap my mind around why I am so disposable to so many people. I spent the last two years of my life with this man. I could see forever with him. We both had problems, but my focus was growing and learning to be a better woman. I wanted to help him become the man he wants to be and the man I know he is capable of being. But we just didn't have the same focus. The problem is, he didn't see me in his life so there was nothing he could do to be considerate of me. I've been contemplating finding a new job and moving home. Or applying for school. Or sticking it out here until my mind is clear and my heart isn't broken. They say it's not good to make big decisions based off of emotions. Anyway around, I feel lost. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like no one wants me. I just feel alone. He was more than my boyfriend, he was my best friend and I truly loved him. I loved him with pure love--a love I didn't even know could exist. Now that I wasted it on someone who only pretended with me, I wonder, what's next?

FUCK YOU CANCER

My mother called me twice today in the early afternoon. I didn't want to talk. I have pneumonia and feel drained. I have no clue where I stand with my so-called boyfriend, and I'm not ready to answer any questions about it. But more than anything, I was tired. Tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired. My mom is almost always uplifting, but for some reason I ignored the call. Well, she was persistent. And persistence always makes me fear the worse. With thirty years under my belt of my mom's borderline harrassment-like calls, which always turn out to be about a recipe, a family member I dislike or some other mundane thing, I don't know why I get a rush or worry when I see more than one missed call from her. Today proved to be the reason. My dad has cancer. And now my recent break up doesn't matter. Woes at my job haven't a second thought. Pneumonia is a walk in the part. And all things I thought were the worse in the world now seem like roses.

Tonight, I asked my mom if she thinks my dad knows how much he means to me and she quickly replied, "I think he does." Then I asked her, "Do you know how much you mean to me?" She paused for a long time, began to cry and then replied, "I think so." This means at best, the two people who created me and raised me, the two people who mean the most to me are only partially certain of my love for them. That ain't good. That's not acceptable.

My mom found a lump in her breast and had it removed days before I was born. She's told me the sad story a million times. She was alone. My mom is a trooper. She is the best person I know. My dad will not go through this alone.

When he wouldn't go in for the biopsy weeks ago, my mom threatened to tell us--us meaning me. Before then the possibility had been a secret between the two of them. Anyhow, he refused to go to the appointment and my mom called me. She affectionately said she chose me, the baby, the pitbull of the three, because she knew I would get the job done. I've always been that way. I'd call myself the screw up. My sisters are so perfect. They're such good women--the kind of women I aspire to be. They turn the other cheek. They do unto others. They are always the bigger person. Meanwhile, I am the one who seeks revenge when I know it's not mine. I've gotten better over the years, but when someone starts a thing, I finish it. I always get the last word--even when it's not my battle to fight. If someone wrongs a person I love, my loved one will smile and let it go, but I am the one who steps in and defends his/her honor. So with that being said, my dad will fight this fight quietly, but I am going to be the one who screams out loudly, "FUCK YOU CANCER," with a double flick off to the air. And I hope Cancer hears me. And I hope Cancer fucks off.

The Last Time I Felt Beautiful

Relationship woes have changed me. I will never be the same person again. I think I'll gain confidence back and I will be a better person, eventually, but I won't be the same care free person I once was. I look at everything and everybody completely different. There were women I didn't respect. Now I see, I'd just never been in love before. Being in love will make one do crazy things. I just had a look in the mirror. I had a thought. When was the last time I felt beautiful? I can't remember. I've had cute outfits; I've even fit back into some pre-gaining-weight stunners. I've had numerous good hair days. I've found new makeup tricks. But I see now, the way I feel inside null and voids all those other things. I eat everyday. I'm doing better with my eating habits, but I haven't been feeding my soul. I don't know when or how I will change, but I look forward to it. Everyone doesn't like dark skinned girls. Most days, it seems my boyfriend even doesn't. Everyone doesn't like thick girls. Everyone doesn't like opinionated women. I don't care about all that. I just look forward to the day I look in the mirror and feel beautiful again.

Empty

We ended it and I am not going to lie. I didn't think it was really over. I thought we were bluffing. I thought he loved me. I thought it would all blow over. I was wrong. I fought for seven months. I fought to keep my relationship. I did everything I could think of. I even prayed. Prayer never came naturally for some reason. But I prayed. This relationship made me question and inevitably lose my faith in Yahweh. Now, I am lost and alone. I still pray to Him though. In my heart I know this is a test. I pray for the love of my life too. He will never understand what he means to me. And if I told him, it would fall on deaf ears. So, I will gain military silence. I will let him walk out of my life. I will sit, alone in my apartment and cry myself into insomnia. I will be miserable and unhappy on the inside, but smile on the outside. I will try to live. Right now, I haven't moved off of the couch since he texted me. I can't move. He's coming to get the rest of his things tonight. After that, I will probably go the rest of my life never seeing him. It's crazy. This is the last day I will ever see the love of my life. I can't even wrap my mind around it. I want to die. My thirtieth birthday is a week from today and I don't want to face it. We had so many plans. I've alienated my friends and family, so I will literally be alone. I truly hate myself and I can not understand why life is so ugly. Regardless of the location of my faith, I know there is an Elohim and I know he has to love me...I just can't believe there isn't an opposite to this feeling. There has to be someone who loves me. It has to be Elohim and it's that simple. Today I was unceremoniously thrown away via text message and I am not well. I can't even pretend. My next goal--and this is an expeditious one--is to find a reason and will to live. My heart is dead. I feel so lost. I feel so empty. I can't believe I made it 30 years and I don't have a soul to talk to other than this blog. My best friend never loved me. My best friend isn't my friend at all. I am in love with something that never existed. I will never love again.

Illusion

Hold me close to you and nothing else matters When you leave my sight my entire world shatters Even when you're not there, your place is my home You're the only time I'm happy. You're the only time I'm not alone Lie next to me, put your arm around my body More intimate than making love; you are my favorite hobby But just like water under a bridge, we can't look back With the love came pain to throw us off track I believe in righting wrongs, you believe in giving up You can't see that soul mate is more than staying in love No more nights of dreaming, only nights for mourning And crying over this forever I thought was forming Still I only see you although I know I am replaced Tonight will be last time I look you in the face You took away my forever only to leave me hanging I thought you were happy, I thought I was engaging I use to believe in forever. I use to believe in love That's before I found out there was never an us for Jarhead

Life, Death and Appreciation

As I grow older and wiser I am learning to appreciate simple things about life and the simplest thing death. Death, there is no coming back from that and one will never know his or her last moment on Earth. But life, although more complicated is yet simple. I never knew about the purity of love. I always heard "God is love." And I always knew Yahweh is pure spirit, but I never put the two together. When you love someone it's simple. You can not control it and you can't control love's strength. There is nothing someone can do or say to make love non existent. But caring about someone? That's another beast. Caring is when you love someone and it matters. That love shakes you. I always thought caring came first, but I was wrong. Caring might never come at all. You can have love without caring, but I don't think you can care without loving. This is my opinion. I met someone a while ago who made believe he cared about me then he promptly went on to show me he couldn't care less. There is no thing like being risen on a platform--let's call it a pedestal, only to be dropped. I respect the people who drop you where you stand. It takes a certain kind of evil to build a person up only to let them down. In these last thirty years I have learned to love and appreciate. I never knew how to hate, I am happy to say. My parents taught me respect and somewhere along the way I realized how important these things are in life, death and beyond. This may seem like mindless babbling, but there is a point. If you have had the pleasure to live, love and be loved you're lucky. If you somehow learned to respect your lover you're one of few. If you got to show your lover how much you appreciate them they are lucky. And if somehow in the midst of it all you loved your lover back with the same amount of love? If you did this before death, you truly lived. If you didn't, you only existed. I exist, but I pray I will one day live.

Loving Someone Who Can't Love You Back

It sucks. But it's happened to all of us at one time or another. A relationship that is 100-0 is hard to be a part of. Never being considered. Always being disrespected. Love is not enough. There will be a point, a threshold that one can't pass and I am wondering if I'm walking up to it.

Relationships are different but all the same, contradiction--I know. You have two people who come from the same world but have completely different views on it. And in the end, the factor that keeps you together or breaks you apart is how you see the other person, not how you view his/her opinion. Is that person and your relationship the most important thing you're a part of? If the answer is wavering or no, it may be time to walk away.

I hate being on the back burner. There are so many things going on in my life that I haven't even realized that's where I've been sitting this entire relationship. I have to do some serious soul searching in the next week, because I won't go into the new year with negative baggage that I don't need and more importantly that doesn't need me.

Dreaming

I dreamed of Charge-it-to-the-Game last night. It was weird. Every time I feel something ending I run back to the first person who hurt me. I start to think of him and where we went wrong. I start to compare and wonder if I've grown. Am I making the same mistakes now that I did when I was 17? That would be a shame. Some people go their entire lives never find the one. It's my personal belief that until you find the one, you will keep making the same mistakes. Or maybe it's that the one will love you enough to look over your mistakes and infirmities. We all have them. I am not sure where my relationship is headed. Maybe I am dreaming, but on the good days I think it could last forever. Then someone says something wrong and an argument erupts from no where. We fight over nothing. We have nothing to fight about. It's our egos. Taurus have those you know? I keep wondering if we can get over our differences. I keep wondering if either one of us will let our guard down. If we both do, this could be something. At the end of the day I am in love and it's not over until it's over. When I think of him I smile. He makes me happy. I have something that none of my friends have. I don't need to shout it from the roof top. I don't need to announce it on Facebook. I have the kind of respect for this man that makes me do things without him asking. I've cut all my males friends off. No more "innocent" text message conversations. I don't really party and drink like I use to. I guess I a looking to solidify things. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I would never want anything to come up, no matter how innocent it may have been, that would make him doubt me. I am going to trust that he is doing the same and until I find out I am just dreaming--this is real.

I Feel Nothing

My heart is so heavy yet so empty. I keep telling myself I am going to do better, but each time I fall hard and get dropped harder. I don't see how it's so easy. How is it easy to not even consider a person you once claimed to love? When did it become the it thing to punish a person who shows they genuinely care for you? I have a lot of friends who treat people--including me--like shit. I always pitied them for it. It's like they are incapable of love. Now, I am realizing they were probably dropped one too many times. I said last time was the last time. I know one thing for certain, I am done with love. I am done loving people who don't give a damn about me.

Preexisting Conditions

Do I tell him I've been hurt before. Can I tell him I've been damaged?
Will he end up getting trust from me like so many before him managed?
I know he's a black man, but will he be an Indian giver?
Snatch the rug from up under my feet--make me cry him a river?
I tried to soften up for him, showed him my vulnerable side.
Said a lot of hurtful things, packed away a lot of pride.
 All he can see is the negative and he will never understand what it took.
To move on so blindly and a start a new chapter in this book.
He will never know how strong I had to be to give us a chance.
He will never know how weak I turned once he had me in his hands.
And for some naive reason I had the notion he'd protect me.
Never saw it coming that he would disrespect, reject and neglect me.
Is it fair that I've been dropped for having these preexisting conditions?
Hated, thrown away like I'm nothing and a lot of things I can't mention?
Trust issues, inferiority complexes and a host of imperfections?
No more insurance, no reassurances, vetoed out, no re-elections?
If I would have known I wouldn't have disclosed my secrets--it was all for nothing.
If I would have known I wouldn't have shown love--I thought we had something.
I never had anyone love me. I never though I would. Apparently I was right.
I need to give in to this something but all I can do is fight.
 Once again, someone pretended to have me with the cruelest of intentions.
Turned his back on me when I was at my lowest and in the greatest need of his attention.
All I could do is reason with him and try to beg-to-be our relationships retention.
He said he was in love but one can't just speak love into existence.
He asked for the key to his heart back then said, "I love you." with no conviction.
I've finally learned in this life no one winks over preexisting conditions.

 Perfect timing.Imperfect love. Imperfect me.

 -For Jarhead