On The Rocks (A Watered Down Poem)

I seem to want him the more I resist it

This leads me to believe I may be addicted

Not even my type but he's got me afflicted

Nothing leading up to this could have predicted...

The ups and downs, highs and lows

Where I use to be closed lipped, now can't keep my mouth closed

But most men like a chase and if you ain't playing hard to get

They're so quick to dismiss you, so quick to reject

But if you play too hard they call you a tease

A medium that's hard to find, but a medium every woman needs

I've never been into game playing, so I can't play the role

Upfront and direct, even at the cost of being alone

And I know the routine of what happens after my feelings are shone.

But one thing I can't seem to condone...

The twists and turns, hills and valleys

The road to redeeming love has only allowed me

I complain sometimes, but with growing there is pain

And I'm trying to understand if the costs are worth the gain

If the man is worth the trouble when he ain't even my type

Or if my addiction is just fueled by the hype?

~for Candlelight aka THE

Appreciation for my Brothas

Reach for the sky. See most black men hear this coming from the law.

Stopped on suspicion or stopped without cause.

Yet, when it comes from encouragement it's not as conceivable.

When will they reach up for Yahweh, is that still unbeileavble?

Because every man wants someone to believe in him, why would He be different.

And why can't we see that they only thing saving us is our sinning?

I wish I could get through to my brothers, let them know their worth.

Let them know their importance, let them know they come first.

Long Time No See

Well, a lot has happened. When Dunn died I was at the lowest point I've ever been in my adult life. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. For a while I thought it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. Let's see, I let myself down on every level possible and yet I'm still here.

Someone broke into my apartment and I can't stop thinking about it. What they took from me is something that I feel I will never be able to get back. They took my peace of mind. They took the little bit of joy that I brought away from East Cleveland. And it's fine. I probably will never stop thinking about it and I probably will never get over it. I'm a spiritual being having a physical experience, so what of it? As I struggle to get my thoughts together, this post will probably be extended and insane babbling. But non the less, I am here.

Ive been trying really hard to forgive myself. I want to let shit go. I can name a million things I will never be and I have to find a way to accept it and move on. I'm not perfect. I struggle to brush my teeth, wash my face and wrap my hair at night. I've gained 25 lbs since July. I obsess over men who feel I'm not good enough. I'm a very jealous lover. I don't know how to express myself; most people think I am cold blooded, but I am sensitive to a fault. Most days I have a chip on my shoulder. I've had problems forgiving people who betrayed me, mainly myself.

At the end of that day, very few people know me. I have means strikes, but I am fun loving and silly. I break out into song and dance at the most random moments. It's a side of me that most people will never see, but the people who have can't get enough of it. I talk shit, but overall I love everyone. I wish that people would take the time to learn the real me.

Everyone is so judgmental. They read tweets or see me out at the club and make assumptions. I came from nothing. I don't know. I guess I just need to get a lot off my chest.

I found Dave Whitted and Dalana Giles. They both have two children. And after everything and over a decade of not talking, they still love me. Dalana & Dave were my best friend since Kindergarten. They don't make love like that anymore. People who care about you for no apparent reason at all. It's not about education or occupation. No one is judging you from where you were raised or who raised you. Past relationship, none of that matters. I miss that love. It's been a long time, but I think it's coming back into my life and it's right on time.

xoxo

Inconsistent

I'm so inconsistent when I'm pushed into this instance

of life and normalcy what everyone else calls existence

Adulthood, degrees, all the things I am supposed to be.

Religious yet supersticious. A lady in the streets but a freak in between...

The sheets and pure contradictions we pile on ourselves.

Cause everyone wants to be different, but we put the real us on the shelf.

And I'm not doing well with playing parts and wearing the mask

Yeah I can code switch but who gets the last laugh?

I'm trying to be the woman my parents are proud of but is it realistic?

Because if I keep going down this road my happiness will never be considered.

I could go all nite, but I just want to get me feet wet.

Haven't been back here since May, I've been too upset.

My Dunny Bunny

In an effort to vent without venting and hate without hating, today, I am remembering my good friend in this blog--that is unworthy of his name. I met Anthony Dunn at Kirk Middle School. He turned out the be one of the most significant, caring individuals in my life. Gracious, funny, adoring, and priceless are words that lack meaning when trying to define who Dunn was. No one knows his killer, but I can't help but want to hate him.

I can not and will not compare how I feel about Dunn with any other person, past or present. I also will defer from glorifying him just because he is no longer with us. What I will do is tell the truth. Dunn was wonderful and perfect in countless ways and he did not deserve to go the way he did.

I know that when a person dies, everyone makes it seem like they were faultless, but when it comes to my friend, the statement couldn't be anymore true. I regret that he left a young son and daughter behind to mourn his death. I regret that he did not get to live more years to finish his impact on this Earth. But, more than anything, I regret that Dunn was taken away. I will remember him fondly and in good spirits. I will remember the-clown-of-a-person I had the pleasure to call my friend. I thank Yahweh that he came into my life and I find peace in the fact that Dunn knew how much I care about him and our friendship.

"But time don't go back, it goes forwards. Can't run from the pain, go towards it. Things can't be explained. What caused it? SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL, SO PURE. SHIT!" ~Jay-Z

Rest In Peace Anthony Dunn June 17, 1984-May 14, 2010 I will always love you.

Truth Time

I'm in love and I'm sure of it. I've never been sure of it before, especially this early on. I'm in love with a man who is in love with another woman. I am in love with a man who told me he wouldn't spin me and has done nothing but spin me ever since he made that statement. The sad part is, all I want to do is cry. but I've been heartbroken so many times, tears just won't fall. I don't know how I got here and I don't know why I let my guard down when this happened to me two years ago with the same man. I'm so fucking stupid and it's no one's fault but my own. I feel so bad. I'm not even depressed, I'm just really, really sad. The first time I figure I'm in love for sure and it's going to end like this? And like I said, all I want to do is cry, but I'm too cold. I guess it's over.

Kinda Depressed

How is it that I'm the one calling and texting, yet I'm not the one with the problem? I am really starting believe the theory that men don't want to be treated right. This is bullshit!

Always Will Be and Have Always Been

Because the truth is it's easier to lie, but I just can't understand how it's so easy. I've always had a problem with dishonesty. It's something I never could do. No matter how much the truth hurts, I ready myself for the backlash.

I met someone a couple of years ago and thought he was a breath of fresh air. It wasn't soon before he was playing games just like every man before him. Somehow, he found his way back into my life and true to form, as soon as I let my guard down, it's deja vu. I don't really know how I feel. It's seems I'm becoming immune to the woes of love. I can't even pretend anymore. I guess it is what it is. Men don't want women who really care about them. They don't want women who are sincere. Men want women who play roles and put on facades. They like women who stick around until you're not picked up by an NFL team then drops you on your ass. It's funny the way that women talk about these men behind their backs. There really is an even playing ground, because men play women, but the women men fall for are dirtier than them. Well, I am neither and I never will be. I will always be a sincere, caring female who loves people for who they are not because of what they can become. You can say anything about me, but the bottom line is, I will always be the truth. It just takes effort to prove it.

Projection (A Poem)

We would make beautiful babies. Am I jumping too far ahead?
We would have fun making them. Am I being to direct?
We would be so happy together...friends, dating, marriage.
Whether you're the man I one day tell my kids about or if you're my children's other parent.
I'll take whatever you're giving out, that's how much I value your existence.
And I'm open to know what you want from me, completely void of resistance.
Can't say I'll follow your every command, but I will read you mind.
You can set your clock by me baby, because I'll always be on time.
I can imagine lying with you and caressing your skin.
Massaging your scalp, breathing in your scent.
Just being under you in every way possible.
However do you want me, anything you desire is optional.
It may never happen, but "we" are together in my heart.
No cheap talk, no casual sex, everything we do is making love--in part.
I'll hold on to your every word, remember your every kiss.
Yearn for every moment your hands lift up my hips.
I want to touch every inch of you, consume your whole totality.
Don't let it end, the dream, I want to make it reality.
See other men around me, then lean my head on your shoulder.
Know I have a good thing before it's gone, well before it's over.
See other women and smile as they see you grab my hand.
You've grabbed my heat, you've grabbed my soul, you've done more than any other man.
Your smile has me on the edge of my seat, my feet on solid ground.
Everything in my life is concrete when ever you're around.
I want to be in love with you, kiss your lips.
I want so much out of this man who doesn't know I exist.

5-19-09 Inspired by J. N.

Honesty, Honestly

There are no gray areas, white lies, or half truths. If one puts a drop of poisin in your baby's bottle, will you proceed to feed it to the baby or is all the milk tainted? Some may see this view as extreme, but I have painstakingly learned that which looks real and seems real can not be fake.

We sometimes convince ourselves that what we want is always good for us, but that can't be true. I have found that when it comes to men, a lot like food, the ones that cater to my taste are usually bad for me. The 50s, the Candle Lights, the kind of men that would never give me a chance... The Charge-It-To-The-Games, The Mustangs/Caddys, the kind of men that never gave me an reason, The Big Times, The Abys, the kind of men that drug me through the mud, their taste was sweet on my lips, but their after taste is bitter in my heart.

Over the last few years, I have spent too much time being heart broken and harboring on past relationships--past men that really shouldn't and don't matter. I woke up one morning and realized that I have no say so in Yahweh's plan. If or when he has a man for me, I am sure it won't be who I expected. So, what am I doing? I decided to fall back and take it easy. I stopped calling Alias and all of a sudden he started calling me. I stopped caring about Bullshit and all of a sudden he is at my beakon call. It's funny how the tables turn.

Truth hurts, but honestly honesty heals quicker than lies ever did. Being blind sided by a man who I thought really cared almost killed me, but hoping that a man could love me, yet knowing the probabilty? That allowed me to brace myself. They say bracing breaks bones, but near death is less than broken bones and I'd rather have brokens bones than be spineless. I have a heart and there is no shame in it.

Today Would Have Been Different

If I would have had you yesterday today would have been different.
They say spirit is soul embodied, you would have been pure spirit.
Blasphemous thoughts would be clouding my mind.
If I would have had you last night, this morning you would have been mine.

But yesterday was so cold and the evening grew colder.
And when I woke up I was merely another day older.
The wind just blew by, there wasn't a breeze.
The birds just chirped, they didn't bother to sing.
Every thing was okay, but it could have been so much better.
If you were mine on the eleventh, you would have been mine forever.

If I would have had you last year, Haiti wouldn't have shook.
They say if you change one thing in the past, you change the entire book.
And even if my name came next on it's pages, I'd be ready to go.
Because my life would have been complete once you decided to show.

But the new year came as expected and the snow fell.
And yesteryear became yet another hard story to tell.
Because without you around, there is nothing to remember.

Yes, spring smelled so sweet as did summer, fall, and winter.

And last year you smiled a lot, but you would have been laughing.
What could have happened to us would have been beyond imagining.

If I could have you tomorrow, today would forever be known as the eve:
That dawned the day that Adam breathed.
That began time, because you make Earth stand still.
That brought the moment when love finally became real.

4-12-10

ALIas The Lion

Incredibly gracious, he smiled on me
His kind heart and warm ways flow so effortlessly
I find myself posing and it's almost exhausting
What earning his love is costing
It's a tale of the fittest, I must be strong
Or I'm left to envy the next girl on his arm
Because he was the king from the day I met him
No one could reach the pedestal on which I set him
And maybe it's a joke, but I'm not laughing
There may be many questions, but I'm not asking
Just wait for what is given and he always delivers
Just the thought of him on my mind and my body shivers

It's over and I still smile, glad that I was granted
There were many questions and he was the answer
I use to regret men, but I am so happy he happened
Broken hearted and still grateful amongst the pieces, shattered
Memories of mere moments I will never forget
Someone so special away from me I will always relent

Done

If this doesn't work out I promise with everything in me that I am done with love. I can not feel like this again. It's not worth it. I'd rather be alone always, that with someone for a moment that causes me so much pain that I can get through the rest of the time. It's sad but true. I've convinced myself before that things will be different this time, but they won't. The only difference is it will be worse. I am not sure about what lesson Yahweh wants me to learn. I am not sure what the purpose is in all of this, but I do know that he is the only one I have ever trusted and apparently he preordained all of which I am going through and have gone through in the past. Happiness is a choice and he made it that way. From this year forth I choose to be happy and I see that love has no place in my life. Love has never had a place in my life and most likely it never will. No one has ever loved me. I am not sure why, I guess He wants me to know that I shouldn't get comfortable here, but sometimes I feel like that cruel adjective that was mentioned about Yahweh in Scandinavian 548 was true. Either which was around, I'm done. Good day.

B.S. aka BULL SHIT (*Baron Voice)

I thought I would be sadder, but the sad truth is I'm immune
To being hurt be men after they do the things they do
About a year ago I gave up on love, then Tuesday I decided to leap
Rookie error to bet on someone I only knew one week

People don't believe me when I give them numbers, but my heart knows every digit
Every heartache, every heartbreak, that turned from too-good-to-be-true to unrealistic
That's why I move so slow, not in a rush to be let down
And the one time I change my mind, I wink and he's not around

Trust, Loyalty, What Does It All Mean? S. of C.

I'm having trouble seeing clearly. The best way I can describe it is blurred tunnel vision; it's a very narrow path.

The people I once knew cared about me are gone with the wind. I'm not so sure about them anymore.

I think about J.D. a lot and I wonder what could have been...what would have been? How is it someone so special, honest... someone so perfect, maybe the only person who has ever genuinely loved me for no reason at all, had to die? I know that I have so much to be grateful for, and I hate complaining (even through my thoughts), but some things in my life are astronomically unfair. There are questions that I have, thoughts that I push to the back of my mind because I am too afraid to learn what they really mean. I think that even if they were explained to me in great detail, I still would not understand.

I can't remember the last time I met someone who cared about me. It seems most people don't care about anything at all. So, who am I to believe that I could get a rise out of anyone?

Jason Dorsey taught me everything I need to know about life; never let my guard down. The people I am most loyal to are the ones who I should trust the least. When someone has proven one's self time and time again, though it may seem unnatural, the next time will be THE time that person let's me down. Jason taught me to love the things about people that can not be bought, earned, or changed. In the short run, that lesson is a gift and a curse, because when you learn to love the little things, it's hard to let a person go...even the jerks. J. taught me to have multiple perspectives. I just wish I had acknowledged these lessons before it were too late.

On the outside I am steel, but where it counts? I am becoming a cold, unmoved individual. In my life, I do not have a soul that I trust. Everyone is going in their own separate directions.

BJ....CM...KP...RR... these women changed my life. I will always wonder, what could have been. A chain of events, where if anything would have changed, EVERYTHING would have changed...everything would be different.

I could have all these things, but what does it mean when I'm gone? What is trust and loyalty worth if he's dead? I guess I'll never know.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to TRUST NO ONE but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together."
~Marilyn Monroe

Reminiscing

Since Charge-It-To-The-Game no one else has ever meant much to me. He is the reason that all of my friendships are disposable. He is the reason why I believe everyone is phony. I spent so much time bottling up my true feelings for him, and I waited too long to tell him the truth about how I felt. Timing is a bitch. For the rest of my life I will wonder what could have been. I know this is some high school, junior high, Caledonia type shit, but there will always be a place in my heart for him. Eight years is not too late. Forever is not too late. I started writing poems about that kid in '96. Ninety six! I wrote poems about him for over five years before I gave one to him. And when I did, he tossed me to the lions. I guess that's the way love goes.

Love is a Very Hard Thing to Find in 1996

Love is a very hard thing to find in 1996
So many player haters always tripping, trying to make a conflict
In relationships all I look for is trust, honesty, respect, and nothing less
But if I didn't sleep until I found this, I wouldn't get any rest
I know no one is perfect and that's always been then same
The present is now, the future will come, and my past will never changed
I'm searching for my destination, which is someone who loves me
I want a real man who satisfies my needs
I'm gone tell you something that's very true
From much experience, you should have know I knew
Broken hearts are hard to fix
Love is a very hard thing to find in 1996

I OBVIOUSLY wrote this in 1996, 13 years ago. All of which I said is still current.Thirteen years ago, I was half my age. I wrote this poem for one of my classmates who was about 6 months pregnant at the time. Man, I was 13, a baby, knowing nothing about love... and I still don't. Crazy huh?

A Couple Lines For Alias

He made me love things that I once hated, completely changed my view.
And even though my heart is heavy, I admit I was a better woman once it was through.
Now I always look for an upside to every down story, always looking for meaning.
And I always felt like half of me was dying every time I watched him leaving.
I want to tell him how I feel, but now he's way too busy.
I want him to be my soul mate, but now he's too good for Lindsay.
All the while I know it will never happen and still I stay persistent.
Once someone is in your heart, that love is never ending.

Everything of Is a Version of Something Else

Whether is was last year, five years ago, or a decade, I've been here before. I've heard the same lines, I have heard the same lies. I put up with it because I have nothing better to do. I put up with not-much-at-all because a little is more than nothing at all. Random text messages and less frequent phone calls are the glue that continue to give me false hope.

Now that Erin is married, people are looking for my next move. My mom asked me if I have a boyfriend, and I wanted to tell her that the unrealistic 1969 antics that she pressures me to follow wouldn't get be a friends let along a caller. Instead, I just told her, "No." I know who I want and I know what I want, but I am having trouble getting there.

A lot of women say that all men are dogs. I don't agree with their angle, but I do believe that all men are the same. Every man is looking to get ahead without any consideration to their counterparts. The man I am dealing with doesn't even seem to have the natural affection that "Allah" gave him. I would blame it on being unevenly yoked, but the three men from the I.D.M.R. that I've dated were worse.

I don't want much. I just want to make love and have my husbands babies. Ten years from I hope to be that version of myself. If I am anywhere in the process, I'll be happy.

WARM-UP

So, today is the day that I turn in my first completed draft for the MLK Day Event. This will be my first byline and therefore the launch of my writing career. I am a little nervous, and in hopes of calming myself down, I decided to jump on here and relinquish some obscure thoughts that might hault my creativity.

Nothing much has been going on lately. It had been eight months since I'd seen Alias, but I broke down. I saw him last Monday and Tuesday while I was in Cleveland. I sometimes wish that I could have met a person at a different time in life. Alias seems so jaded. It never seems like he cares about anything or anybody. Or maybe it's that he just doesn't care about me? I wonder if we had met when he was 30 or 25 and I was still the same age I am now, would it have worked? It's my personal belief that we would have been perfect for each others. It's actually my belief that we are perfect for each other now, but he is in Cleveland and I am here. In a world where time is only an allusion, does bad timing exist?

Love is a tricky, sticky thing. It confuses you and leads you down a path that isn't a path at all. It's a dead end. Love traps you and won't let you go. No matter how long it's been or how much you try to move on, escaping it is impossible. Alias as a person is perfect for me, everything about him. When I smile at him he smiles back, no reservations. When I ask him a question he answers it, no snide comments. I may never know what our relationship means. He may add to a list of others like Charge-It-To-The-Game, 50, Big Time, Candle Light, Esco Bar, and BBD, and I will never know. He may never believe or know just how much he means to me. Ten years from now, I may wonder where he is. I don't know. For right now I don't want it to end.

It's nice to see good guys and wish they were mines. But there are always going to be dividing factors. They're going to hate my upbringing, complexion, attitude... something.

I just want to move and start over. I want to pack up and leave no forwarding address. I've had my cell phone number for 8 years, but I am not going to make it to 9. I want a new number. I want to shut down my Facebook, Myspace, Black Planet, Hotmail, and Twitter. I don't want to take anything I had in my old life to my new existence. My family is my only asset. Everything else is a liability. Loose friendships and even looser relationships have done nothing but drag me down for the last twenty years. Since I was old enough to know what a friend is, I've been disappointed and mistreated. Since I was old enough to get into a relationship, I've been cheated on and disregarded. Now, all I feel is resentment for all the above. I want to go somewhere with a clear mind and fresh heart. I want to ride pass a street that doesn't have some sort of negative attachment. I want to dine in a restaurant where the food doesn't remind me. And at night I want to lay my head in an environment that will let me dream. Everything will start with this script. I'm ready.