Just Chillin'

There is not too much going on in my life; I've just been chilling. I'm trying to figure out my next move. I don't know where I am going, but I know the direction is up. I am trying to get back the faith I once had in Yahweh...unwavering. I am trying to get the trust I had in humanity. I want to believe that people aren't cruel and the negativity I come across is not with intentional. Life is hard. I never knew it would be this hard. I thought that if I walked on a prescribed path certain things, not everything, would be guaranteed to me. I thought I would be married by now. I thought I would have a career and I though I would be a mother by now, but none of that is the case. So, now I am trying to figure out what my future will be.

Who will be my friends and allies? Who will be the man I love; do I already know him? Will my family be okay. And the most important concern of them all is, does Yahweh have me in righteousness?

A while back I thought I found someone I was compatible with. We grew up together in the same bible school. I am starting to find, he is not who I thought he was. He seems to be worse than the men I've met on the street. He intentionally does shit to fuck with me and I know it. He won't even follow me on Twitter. I am sick of the petty games and ignorance. I can't be 100 with him without some snide comment. It's always something. What happened to friends? What happened to love? I guess it never was.

I am content, but I know I won't be this way for long. I just want to breath fresh air and have someone appreciate the life I appreciate. I want to work hard and I want to love harder. With Pierre, I pushed things and it turned out all bad. I realized this was a decade ago, but I lost my focus. I wanted to make Sean jealous and it spiraled out of control. And because of Pierre I missed the last year of Jason's life. I lost a lot for the relationship and I've never recovered. If I would have waited, better things would have been given to me. So now, I am learning patience .

There are so many things and people who don't matter, but I matter. I may never be a scholar or the type of woman who had men falling at my feet. I may die without a single soul having known the real me. In the end, I want to know I will be okay.

Many years ago I took a trip to Houston to visit Milbry. We went to a psychic on our way to Galveston. The lady told me I would always be financially stable and happy. Since then I haven't been much of either, but I have faith that I will. It saddens me that I have more faith in what some woman on the outskirt of Houston, TX told me than I do in an Elohim who has provided me any and everything. I know my faith will be back, eventually. I just hope it's sooner than later. No point in smiling if I don't really feel it.

A Day Like Today, I Miss You

I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start. I love you. I always did love you from the moment we spoke. I will love you for the rest of my life and I miss you. I miss you when it rains. I miss you when I'm lonely and I miss you when I don't have anyone to talk to, which is almost always. You were the kind of friend people dream about, but you were real. It's been ten years since we last spoke and eight years since you passed. My heart feels empty.

They say the good die young, but what of the bad? I hope you never knew them. My good friend Jay, you are the epitome of a warm spring day, of life, of love.

RIP Jason Robert Dorsey August 24, 1982~April 17, 2003 I love you.

A New Me

It's official! I have finally been cleared for my first post grad job. Who thought it would take a year and a half. The job is not even in my field and I am not going to be making nearly as much as I expected, but I feel blessed. A week from yesterday I will be entering a new era of my life. I am going to take this opportunity to start over. To be the person I should be. I hope I can do it. I hope I'll be happy.

What is the world to you. What means the world to you

Water into wine. Water into blood.

The best things and the worse things can come from the same love.

What is the world to you. A four block radius with no space to grow?

What means the world to you. Some won't experience anything worth enough to know.

My pleasure is my pain. My pain is my pleasure.

What I gave fully, I was only given in measure.

Such a paradox--those ideocracies of love.

Notions made too popular makes believable a deceptive tongue.

Do you love me for a reason, because it has none nor rhyme.

Although it claims to be infinite we assign it a time.

Anniversaries and deadlines and if someone doesn't meet our ultimatum...

We say we can't live without him, yet we won't settle for dating him?

And what is said of a marriage held on unhappy terms?

What did we come for; what did we learn?

Reality and a dream, where is the division in between?

What would you come to will if you had the means?

The glue in the beginning is what leaves things falling apart in the end.

And nothing is worse than losing a lover, save losing a friend.

What's the bottom line, what really counts?

What's closer to make believe or what's believable with out a doubt?

Over Time

I can't look into his eyes because I'm attracted and he's attractive.

So if I don't start it up, I'm just reaching for a reaction

Flirt a little here and there, but that's neither here nor there

Take it with a grain of salt, because I'd be turned by his stare

I'm not Lot's wife, but I could be his

And we aren't parents yet, but we could make kids

And a lot can spawn from the urban sprawl from which we once lived

Pipe dreams to pipping things

But where's the divide from what is real and what is seen

And a whole lot of jealousy can arise from eyes that are green

Trust, I am just blowing smoke, but remember where's there's smoke there's fire

Cause the only deception is professing that I'm a liar

Light skinned and light hearted and I wish I could get something started

But how can we have a mutual final destination if we differ from where we departed

So far yet so close and problems? Yes, there's a host

Feelings always get the strongest for the ones you try to push away the most

So instead of telling him, I tell this rhyme

And instead of it being over, I'm working overtime

Then maybe one day his feelings will be the same as mine

~OT

Moving

I need to move into my own place next month. I have been debating on what area of town I want to move to. I narrowed my decisions down to the Central area. I'm not an Columbus-East side kind of a girl and my current stint on the west side has learned me that this area isn't for me either. Downtown and Grandview Heights seem to be my only options. I'm starting a new job in two weeks and I am taking a pay cut, so Downtown doesn't seem to be as realistic of an option as it did a week ago. The good thing about Grandview is, it gives an awesome view of downtown, with half the hassle and nearly none of the unsavory characters.

This angle has me thinking a lot about life. More accurately, this angle has me concerned with my current dilemma. Do I want to be a part of the view or do I want to enjoy the view?

In life there are many things I am coming to learn I will never be. It was never in the stars and Yahweh never made it a part of his purpose. Loyal friends, certain men, even certain opportunities just don't happen for everyone. While this saddens me, I try to look at the brighter and more significant side of life. I have an amazing family. No matter how often or how much my parents have let me down, I have so much respect for them that I'd rather live in black and white than to let the color in my life disappoint them. I have two sisters who are so different yet so phenomenal that it causes me shame to look in the mirror. I have this priceless family, that for better or worse causes me to not only be, but want to be a better person.

I can't have sex. I can't do drugs. I can't lie. And with all these restrictions come freedom. The things I can't do are my peace of mind. They are the things that saves me from Yahweh's condemnation.

I don't have a boyfriend; maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that, but I have to face facts and prepare myself for what might be. As Layzie Bone once rapped, "Prepare for the worse and hope for the best and the rest is written." If I am alone, I have to know that I can buy a home, a new car, support my family solely...be okay. If seven years from now I'm still alone and I decide to become a mother, I want that option to be feasible.

Maybe I will never be rich, but I never was. Honestly, I never thought I would live past the age of 12. Where I come from there aren't expectations--but exceptions.

Life is what you make it and I've made it. Next month I will not only be moving, but moving on. I can't keep up with the Joneses, I can only live the life that My Father deems acceptable. Clubs are cool and I've always loved going out, but I think the lot of the time I was just running from my own thoughts. Sometimes a quiet room can be the loudest place.

I am okay with the woman I've become. I love my thought process. I'm proud. Not many people understand me, but I get it. I sometimes beat up on myself, but I get that too. So I guess I won't be the trophy. I won't be looked at, but me view will be immaculate.

On The Rocks (A Watered Down Poem)

I seem to want him the more I resist it

This leads me to believe I may be addicted

Not even my type but he's got me afflicted

Nothing leading up to this could have predicted...

The ups and downs, highs and lows

Where I use to be closed lipped, now can't keep my mouth closed

But most men like a chase and if you ain't playing hard to get

They're so quick to dismiss you, so quick to reject

But if you play too hard they call you a tease

A medium that's hard to find, but a medium every woman needs

I've never been into game playing, so I can't play the role

Upfront and direct, even at the cost of being alone

And I know the routine of what happens after my feelings are shone.

But one thing I can't seem to condone...

The twists and turns, hills and valleys

The road to redeeming love has only allowed me

I complain sometimes, but with growing there is pain

And I'm trying to understand if the costs are worth the gain

If the man is worth the trouble when he ain't even my type

Or if my addiction is just fueled by the hype?

~for Candlelight aka THE

Appreciation for my Brothas

Reach for the sky. See most black men hear this coming from the law.

Stopped on suspicion or stopped without cause.

Yet, when it comes from encouragement it's not as conceivable.

When will they reach up for Yahweh, is that still unbeileavble?

Because every man wants someone to believe in him, why would He be different.

And why can't we see that they only thing saving us is our sinning?

I wish I could get through to my brothers, let them know their worth.

Let them know their importance, let them know they come first.

Long Time No See

Well, a lot has happened. When Dunn died I was at the lowest point I've ever been in my adult life. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. For a while I thought it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. Let's see, I let myself down on every level possible and yet I'm still here.

Someone broke into my apartment and I can't stop thinking about it. What they took from me is something that I feel I will never be able to get back. They took my peace of mind. They took the little bit of joy that I brought away from East Cleveland. And it's fine. I probably will never stop thinking about it and I probably will never get over it. I'm a spiritual being having a physical experience, so what of it? As I struggle to get my thoughts together, this post will probably be extended and insane babbling. But non the less, I am here.

Ive been trying really hard to forgive myself. I want to let shit go. I can name a million things I will never be and I have to find a way to accept it and move on. I'm not perfect. I struggle to brush my teeth, wash my face and wrap my hair at night. I've gained 25 lbs since July. I obsess over men who feel I'm not good enough. I'm a very jealous lover. I don't know how to express myself; most people think I am cold blooded, but I am sensitive to a fault. Most days I have a chip on my shoulder. I've had problems forgiving people who betrayed me, mainly myself.

At the end of that day, very few people know me. I have means strikes, but I am fun loving and silly. I break out into song and dance at the most random moments. It's a side of me that most people will never see, but the people who have can't get enough of it. I talk shit, but overall I love everyone. I wish that people would take the time to learn the real me.

Everyone is so judgmental. They read tweets or see me out at the club and make assumptions. I came from nothing. I don't know. I guess I just need to get a lot off my chest.

I found Dave Whitted and Dalana Giles. They both have two children. And after everything and over a decade of not talking, they still love me. Dalana & Dave were my best friend since Kindergarten. They don't make love like that anymore. People who care about you for no apparent reason at all. It's not about education or occupation. No one is judging you from where you were raised or who raised you. Past relationship, none of that matters. I miss that love. It's been a long time, but I think it's coming back into my life and it's right on time.

xoxo

Inconsistent

I'm so inconsistent when I'm pushed into this instance

of life and normalcy what everyone else calls existence

Adulthood, degrees, all the things I am supposed to be.

Religious yet supersticious. A lady in the streets but a freak in between...

The sheets and pure contradictions we pile on ourselves.

Cause everyone wants to be different, but we put the real us on the shelf.

And I'm not doing well with playing parts and wearing the mask

Yeah I can code switch but who gets the last laugh?

I'm trying to be the woman my parents are proud of but is it realistic?

Because if I keep going down this road my happiness will never be considered.

I could go all nite, but I just want to get me feet wet.

Haven't been back here since May, I've been too upset.

My Dunny Bunny

In an effort to vent without venting and hate without hating, today, I am remembering my good friend in this blog--that is unworthy of his name. I met Anthony Dunn at Kirk Middle School. He turned out the be one of the most significant, caring individuals in my life. Gracious, funny, adoring, and priceless are words that lack meaning when trying to define who Dunn was. No one knows his killer, but I can't help but want to hate him.

I can not and will not compare how I feel about Dunn with any other person, past or present. I also will defer from glorifying him just because he is no longer with us. What I will do is tell the truth. Dunn was wonderful and perfect in countless ways and he did not deserve to go the way he did.

I know that when a person dies, everyone makes it seem like they were faultless, but when it comes to my friend, the statement couldn't be anymore true. I regret that he left a young son and daughter behind to mourn his death. I regret that he did not get to live more years to finish his impact on this Earth. But, more than anything, I regret that Dunn was taken away. I will remember him fondly and in good spirits. I will remember the-clown-of-a-person I had the pleasure to call my friend. I thank Yahweh that he came into my life and I find peace in the fact that Dunn knew how much I care about him and our friendship.

"But time don't go back, it goes forwards. Can't run from the pain, go towards it. Things can't be explained. What caused it? SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL, SO PURE. SHIT!" ~Jay-Z

Rest In Peace Anthony Dunn June 17, 1984-May 14, 2010 I will always love you.

Truth Time

I'm in love and I'm sure of it. I've never been sure of it before, especially this early on. I'm in love with a man who is in love with another woman. I am in love with a man who told me he wouldn't spin me and has done nothing but spin me ever since he made that statement. The sad part is, all I want to do is cry. but I've been heartbroken so many times, tears just won't fall. I don't know how I got here and I don't know why I let my guard down when this happened to me two years ago with the same man. I'm so fucking stupid and it's no one's fault but my own. I feel so bad. I'm not even depressed, I'm just really, really sad. The first time I figure I'm in love for sure and it's going to end like this? And like I said, all I want to do is cry, but I'm too cold. I guess it's over.

Kinda Depressed

How is it that I'm the one calling and texting, yet I'm not the one with the problem? I am really starting believe the theory that men don't want to be treated right. This is bullshit!

Always Will Be and Have Always Been

Because the truth is it's easier to lie, but I just can't understand how it's so easy. I've always had a problem with dishonesty. It's something I never could do. No matter how much the truth hurts, I ready myself for the backlash.

I met someone a couple of years ago and thought he was a breath of fresh air. It wasn't soon before he was playing games just like every man before him. Somehow, he found his way back into my life and true to form, as soon as I let my guard down, it's deja vu. I don't really know how I feel. It's seems I'm becoming immune to the woes of love. I can't even pretend anymore. I guess it is what it is. Men don't want women who really care about them. They don't want women who are sincere. Men want women who play roles and put on facades. They like women who stick around until you're not picked up by an NFL team then drops you on your ass. It's funny the way that women talk about these men behind their backs. There really is an even playing ground, because men play women, but the women men fall for are dirtier than them. Well, I am neither and I never will be. I will always be a sincere, caring female who loves people for who they are not because of what they can become. You can say anything about me, but the bottom line is, I will always be the truth. It just takes effort to prove it.

Projection (A Poem)

We would make beautiful babies. Am I jumping too far ahead?
We would have fun making them. Am I being to direct?
We would be so happy together...friends, dating, marriage.
Whether you're the man I one day tell my kids about or if you're my children's other parent.
I'll take whatever you're giving out, that's how much I value your existence.
And I'm open to know what you want from me, completely void of resistance.
Can't say I'll follow your every command, but I will read you mind.
You can set your clock by me baby, because I'll always be on time.
I can imagine lying with you and caressing your skin.
Massaging your scalp, breathing in your scent.
Just being under you in every way possible.
However do you want me, anything you desire is optional.
It may never happen, but "we" are together in my heart.
No cheap talk, no casual sex, everything we do is making love--in part.
I'll hold on to your every word, remember your every kiss.
Yearn for every moment your hands lift up my hips.
I want to touch every inch of you, consume your whole totality.
Don't let it end, the dream, I want to make it reality.
See other men around me, then lean my head on your shoulder.
Know I have a good thing before it's gone, well before it's over.
See other women and smile as they see you grab my hand.
You've grabbed my heat, you've grabbed my soul, you've done more than any other man.
Your smile has me on the edge of my seat, my feet on solid ground.
Everything in my life is concrete when ever you're around.
I want to be in love with you, kiss your lips.
I want so much out of this man who doesn't know I exist.

5-19-09 Inspired by J. N.

Honesty, Honestly

There are no gray areas, white lies, or half truths. If one puts a drop of poisin in your baby's bottle, will you proceed to feed it to the baby or is all the milk tainted? Some may see this view as extreme, but I have painstakingly learned that which looks real and seems real can not be fake.

We sometimes convince ourselves that what we want is always good for us, but that can't be true. I have found that when it comes to men, a lot like food, the ones that cater to my taste are usually bad for me. The 50s, the Candle Lights, the kind of men that would never give me a chance... The Charge-It-To-The-Games, The Mustangs/Caddys, the kind of men that never gave me an reason, The Big Times, The Abys, the kind of men that drug me through the mud, their taste was sweet on my lips, but their after taste is bitter in my heart.

Over the last few years, I have spent too much time being heart broken and harboring on past relationships--past men that really shouldn't and don't matter. I woke up one morning and realized that I have no say so in Yahweh's plan. If or when he has a man for me, I am sure it won't be who I expected. So, what am I doing? I decided to fall back and take it easy. I stopped calling Alias and all of a sudden he started calling me. I stopped caring about Bullshit and all of a sudden he is at my beakon call. It's funny how the tables turn.

Truth hurts, but honestly honesty heals quicker than lies ever did. Being blind sided by a man who I thought really cared almost killed me, but hoping that a man could love me, yet knowing the probabilty? That allowed me to brace myself. They say bracing breaks bones, but near death is less than broken bones and I'd rather have brokens bones than be spineless. I have a heart and there is no shame in it.

Today Would Have Been Different

If I would have had you yesterday today would have been different.
They say spirit is soul embodied, you would have been pure spirit.
Blasphemous thoughts would be clouding my mind.
If I would have had you last night, this morning you would have been mine.

But yesterday was so cold and the evening grew colder.
And when I woke up I was merely another day older.
The wind just blew by, there wasn't a breeze.
The birds just chirped, they didn't bother to sing.
Every thing was okay, but it could have been so much better.
If you were mine on the eleventh, you would have been mine forever.

If I would have had you last year, Haiti wouldn't have shook.
They say if you change one thing in the past, you change the entire book.
And even if my name came next on it's pages, I'd be ready to go.
Because my life would have been complete once you decided to show.

But the new year came as expected and the snow fell.
And yesteryear became yet another hard story to tell.
Because without you around, there is nothing to remember.

Yes, spring smelled so sweet as did summer, fall, and winter.

And last year you smiled a lot, but you would have been laughing.
What could have happened to us would have been beyond imagining.

If I could have you tomorrow, today would forever be known as the eve:
That dawned the day that Adam breathed.
That began time, because you make Earth stand still.
That brought the moment when love finally became real.

4-12-10

ALIas The Lion

Incredibly gracious, he smiled on me
His kind heart and warm ways flow so effortlessly
I find myself posing and it's almost exhausting
What earning his love is costing
It's a tale of the fittest, I must be strong
Or I'm left to envy the next girl on his arm
Because he was the king from the day I met him
No one could reach the pedestal on which I set him
And maybe it's a joke, but I'm not laughing
There may be many questions, but I'm not asking
Just wait for what is given and he always delivers
Just the thought of him on my mind and my body shivers

It's over and I still smile, glad that I was granted
There were many questions and he was the answer
I use to regret men, but I am so happy he happened
Broken hearted and still grateful amongst the pieces, shattered
Memories of mere moments I will never forget
Someone so special away from me I will always relent

Done

If this doesn't work out I promise with everything in me that I am done with love. I can not feel like this again. It's not worth it. I'd rather be alone always, that with someone for a moment that causes me so much pain that I can get through the rest of the time. It's sad but true. I've convinced myself before that things will be different this time, but they won't. The only difference is it will be worse. I am not sure about what lesson Yahweh wants me to learn. I am not sure what the purpose is in all of this, but I do know that he is the only one I have ever trusted and apparently he preordained all of which I am going through and have gone through in the past. Happiness is a choice and he made it that way. From this year forth I choose to be happy and I see that love has no place in my life. Love has never had a place in my life and most likely it never will. No one has ever loved me. I am not sure why, I guess He wants me to know that I shouldn't get comfortable here, but sometimes I feel like that cruel adjective that was mentioned about Yahweh in Scandinavian 548 was true. Either which was around, I'm done. Good day.

B.S. aka BULL SHIT (*Baron Voice)

I thought I would be sadder, but the sad truth is I'm immune
To being hurt be men after they do the things they do
About a year ago I gave up on love, then Tuesday I decided to leap
Rookie error to bet on someone I only knew one week

People don't believe me when I give them numbers, but my heart knows every digit
Every heartache, every heartbreak, that turned from too-good-to-be-true to unrealistic
That's why I move so slow, not in a rush to be let down
And the one time I change my mind, I wink and he's not around